INFJ dating an INFJ - Here my Story

[WadeINFJ]

Hi guys, just thought to share what i think is a pretty remarkable story even if my partner and I didnt share the same MBTI.

3 years ago I got out of a 5 year relationship and my first long term one of that in which about 6 weeks later i started dating again right away lol. I had attended a dance music festival (25 at the time) which was held during the day at a circus type showground arena. I had only been there for half an hour so i considered my self fairly sober still, when i seen the most beautiful girl i ever laid eyes on, a good 150 feet away. I tapped my friends to point her out and in no time my friends girlfriend had convinced her to come talk to me. Her phone was almost dead already (yeah shes not a very organised person a lot of the time)so i decided to stay with her. She came back with me that evening and said there was something about me she had never felt or seen before and that i was just so nice. 6 months went by we were engaged. I was absolutely head over heels for this woman she was amazing and we have everything in common together down to hobbies, interests, also the fact we do not want to have kids and ...... shes an INFJ!!!! I have only become familiar with the whole MBTI type in the past year and a half but for me to pick an INFJ out of a crowd randomly, someone who is so alike me and still be with them today as of over 3 years, i think that insanity.

However at this point in our relationship, we are very, very unstable. Always fighting with each other and both of us struggle to leave the relationship. One thing ive taken from this relationship is; The things that make me happy and mean the most to me are my FREEDOM and being DRAMA FREE in life. Our relationship is full of drama almost daily. We are both so exhausted of it. She is extremely insecure and lacks a lot of confidence in her appearance, herself and in our relationship. She is told everywhere we go how beautiful she is. She often says im too hard on her and everyone knows im a perfectionist with ocd when it comes to things like our house and cleanliness, positioning of things and clutter. I also write EVERYTHING DOWN lol goals, shopping lists ideas ect .... everything. Im extremely organised. Im just all about practicability when her personality a lot of the time is best described as "off with the fairies". ( pays bills late, puts empty packaging back in the cupboard and doesnt write down we need it, uses things ive bought then doesnt replace, throws money around; i also sometimes do this just to name a few which frustrate me and give me anxiety.

We have shared some amazing experiences together travelling, we go to the gym together often, walks, the beach, eat out ect. We spend A LOT of time together. She is my best friend. Now it seems to really be coming to a breaking point as we are about to move into an apartment i just bought (she didnt contribute to saving at the time and her employment status isn't set up stably according to the bank criteria). We have come to a fork whether she will go into her own apartment and ill move into mine. This topic is a bit rushed as im heading off to work but this has been my experience dating another INFJ. I think i definitely need to date another Introvert but this will not be happening down the track as i need my own space a lot and i plan to keep it that way.

Your thoughts...

 

[5r6jhd]

I'm not sure what thoughts you're looking for. The last few sentences indicate you're already thinking about your next relationship, so I think you answered your own question.

 

[WadeINFJ]

I'm not sure what thoughts you're looking for. The last few sentences indicate you're already thinking about your next relationship, so I think you answered your own question.

Yeh it was early this morning writing this one up before work quickly I probably would have More liked to have said " what's everyone else's experiences with INFJ and INFJ relationships or similar...

 

[5r6jhd]

Yeh it was early this morning writing this one up before work quickly I probably would have More liked to have said " what's everyone else's experiences with INFJ and INFJ relationships or similar...

Personally, I don't think it has as much to do with type as it does with maturity and compatibility. You said yourself, you're both INFJ but both have very different approaches. You're very neat, organised, orderly....
Your INFJ however isn';t as much and it sounds like those things have created some tension or discord between you. You seem a little more of a lone wolf who needs his space and she seems to need a lot of reassurance from a partner.

You may find another INFJ who fits your needs better.

MBTI is very vague. it doesn't really account for individualism.

 

[Littlelissa]

I was absolutely head over heels for this woman she was amazing and we have everything in common together down to hobbies, interests,

It's not, in my experience at least, an everyday experience to find someone your so compatible with.

However at this point in our relationship, we are very, very unstable. Always fighting with each other and both of us struggle to leave the relationship. One thing ive taken from this relationship is; The things that make me happy and mean the most to me are my FREEDOM and being DRAMA FREE in life. Our relationship is full of drama almost daily. We are both so exhausted of it. She is extremely insecure and lacks a lot of confidence

Isn't there always growth and challenges in every relationship, at least to some degree? Does the compatibility and good times outweigh the drama? It's hard to get a sense of this because what you describe sounds quite compatible but then also draining.

We have shared some amazing experiences together travelling, we go to the gym together often, walks, the beach, eat out ect. We spend A LOT of time together. She is my best friend

Best friend? It's about deciding whether you think it's worth then effort. Do you think you could work it out? Do you want to?

 

[WadeINFJ]

Personally, I don't think it has as much to do with type as it does with maturity and compatibility. You said yourself, you're both INFJ but both have very different approaches. You're very neat, organised, orderly....
Your INFJ however isn';t as much and it sounds like those things have created some tension or discord between you. You seem a little more of a lone wolf who needs his space and she seems to need a lot of reassurance from a partner.

You may find another INFJ who fits your needs better.

MBTI is very vague. it doesn't really account for individualism.

I really like your response, thanks for that. Yeh I guess I myself am kind of just expecting everyone who shares the same type be almost the same. Sounds stupid but I guess I'm judging here lol. Really enjoying everyone's input. Yes I think I am maybe destined to be that lone wolf. I don't really mind I guess...

 

[Piotrek Dzierzynski]

Perhaps our experience is different partly to our age and level of maturity, and that even among INFJs there is still much variation. We are both INFJs. My lady friend is also insecure about her appearance but she has decided that doubting me is kind of insulting, and I also try to focus on the qualities about her that she values far more than looks. We are also very easy-going about less important things and very happy about a simple life. Plus, we were ok on our own so we do not see a romantic relationship as some type of holy grail. We choose to be together because we really enjoy and respect each other, not because we need a romantic involvement or need "someone to complete us".

Perhaps it might help you to take some time by yourself to reflect on why you need to be in a relationship and how you might change in order to be more fulfilled?

 

[t56hg2bv]

Being an INFJ, I've always believed that being in a relationship with another INFJ would be self-destructive for me. There is so much depth in each of us that we can spend infinite amounts of time contemplating how things are in the world and in people. I guess I always believed being with another INFJ would send me into a downward spiral of back and forth dialogue about any and every thing or concept.

With that said, I have spent some time in socionics (the study of compatibility with relation to personality types.) It shows INFJ-INFJ relationships as identical. There is some good information on how the two will somewhat interact with one another. Here are a couple link if you are interested:

Socionics Relationship Chart - http://www.socionics.com/rel/relcht.htm
Socionics Identical Description - http://www.socionics.com/rel/idn.htm

I'm not in the habit of recommending things that I haven't actually used myself. After divorcing from an 18 year marriage, I wanted to find out what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again. I dated a very attractive woman that was an introvert and it nearly killed me with the isolation. Then I decided to try socionics (why not) because I wanted things to be easier and more fulfilling. It recommended an ESTJ as a relationship of duality (highly preferred). Now, most INFJ's will say NAY to ESTJ's, and I will agree that we are completely different in almost every single way possible; however, ALL of our MBTI functions lineup when it comes to the flow of internal and external functions. She loves my perspective on the world and I value her ability to see and appreciate all of the sensory stuff in the world. It has actually helped me grow my 4th function. Now I won't say that everything is perfect, we do have headbutting when it comes to my ideals and her logic. We both want to be right and that never seems to be good for anyone. I suspect this is the problem for most J - J relationships. Regardless, of my experience, I just wanted to offer it as a tool for understanding relationships as they pertain to types. Keep in mind that some of the types vary slightly little in socionic so i recommend understanding that and taking the test from their site.

Another tool that has helped me in relationships is understanding each of our love languages. If either doesn't feel loved then what is the point, right? Recognizing your own will help you help your partner help you. And knowing your partners love language will help you give them what they need. I know several counselors that use this as a tool in relationships. I just like it because it makes my life easier.

Finally, knowing traumas and psychological disorders / tendencies (childhood, adult) will help flesh out the exceptions to the aforementioned personality makeup (for lack of a better word). We all hide our traumas and keep them very close so that we arent hurt again in the same manner. Not everyone will disclose this information.

One other thing, above all, LISTEN. Most people want to be heard in relationships and dont take the time to listen. This is especially hard on INFJ's. We need validation and affirmation and without it we feel alone. What good is an ideal without someone to validate it; it's like being on an island with your greatest fantasy, but without validation you don't really know if you're crazy or if its real. Being understood (especially to INFJ's) is everything. HA!

 

[Hoodie]

Ah, I'm starting to wonder if I'm too picky as an INFJ. One minute I'll think someone is perfect for me, the next something so small about them as set off alarm bells that leave me with a sense that their fake. I can't shake the feeling that the people around me are fake.

So in a sense I can relate. You meet someone, you think it's perfect, and then because we live in a world that is anything but perfect, we discover that just like everyone else, this person is flawed. And we're crushed. Exhausted. Confused. Scared because for pete sake, will we ever find someone that makes us completely happy?

The only thing I can say and that I use as a template these days for potential partners is this: find someone who's flaws you can live with. We all have our downsides. Nobody's perfect. Do what you feel is right for you. I'm tempted to say fight for the relationship because to me those issues you've listed seem very small, but that's what I mean; find someone who's flaws you can deal with.

 

[t56hg2bv]

Ah, I'm starting to wonder if I'm too picky as an INFJ. One minute I'll think someone is perfect for me, the next something so small about them as set off alarm bells that leave me with a sense that their fake. I can't shake the feeling that the people around me are fake.

So in a sense I can relate. You meet someone, you think it's perfect, and then because we live in a world that is anything but perfect, we discover that just like everyone else, this person is flawed. And we're crushed. Exhausted. Confused. Scared because for pete sake, will we ever find someone that makes us completely happy?

The only thing I can say and that I use as a template these days for potential partners is this: find someone who's flaws you can live with. We all have our downsides. Nobody's perfect. Do what you feel is right for you. I'm tempted to say fight for the relationship because to me those issues you've listed seem very small, but that's what I mean; find someone who's flaws you can deal with.

I think you make some good points. When you say people are fake, what I hear is people cant be trusted. There is more likely some kind of trust issues in your past that is preventing you from connecting. You don't want to be hurt by someone who cant be trusted. The best way to get someone to be fully forthright is to be fully vulnerable yourself. People gravitate to those who are open, honest and trust them with feelings and emotions that are valued. It is a conundrum, if you trust first then you could be hurt; if you don't trust you won't likely even get an opportunity.

And nobody will make anyone completely happy. To me the reason for a good relationship is growth. Someone who challenges you and makes you a better person. Someone you can trust when thing get tough and will give you a shoulder, but will also shoot you straight about the situations you experience.

 

[Hoodie]

Sorry, @FreeSp1r1t, I didn't see your reply to me! I haven't been on in awhile.

Yeah, I suppose the "fake" thing I mention, does have to do with the idea that people aren't trustworthy. But I'm not sure that that's all of it. There's many things that make me feel that people are "fake" and it's very hard to describe sometimes. The not feeling like I can trust people comes from a few years ago, when my grandparents, I kid you not, disowned my family and we were forced to leave the home where I'd grown up. It's a long and exhausting story. Honestly, I'm not someone that keeps things from people. For the most part I'm an open book, I don't have many secrets at all! The kind of trust that I withhold and don't give to many people these days, if that even makes sense, is the kind that... is like... the shield around my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love people and let people love me, too. But I'm more likely to shut people out of my heart these days. I don't truly let many people in that far. I want to, but I can't seem to find the right people that want to be that close to me, that want me to trust them completely. It's sounds like one of those cliche character "flaws" that are super corny. But anywayyyys.

And yes, I'm aware that no one can make you completely happy, of course- that's why I was saying what I was saying in my last post.

 

[t56hg2bv]

Sorry, @FreeSp1r1t, I didn't see your reply to me! I haven't been on in awhile.

Yeah, I suppose the "fake" thing I mention, does have to do with the idea that people aren't trustworthy. But I'm not sure that that's all of it. There's many things that make me feel that people are "fake" and it's very hard to describe sometimes. The not feeling like I can trust people comes from a few years ago, when my grandparents, I kid you not, disowned my family and we were forced to leave the home where I'd grown up. It's a long and exhausting story. Honestly, I'm not someone that keeps things from people. For the most part I'm an open book, I don't have many secrets at all! The kind of trust that I withhold and don't give to many people these days, if that even makes sense, is the kind that... is like... the shield around my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love people and let people love me, too. But I'm more likely to shut people out of my heart these days. I don't truly let many people in that far. I want to, but I can't seem to find the right people that want to be that close to me, that want me to trust them completely. It's sounds like one of those cliche character "flaws" that are super corny. But anywayyyys.

And yes, I'm aware that no one can make you completely happy, of course- that's why I was saying what I was saying in my last post.

So write down what you are looking for (be specific) in a relationship. Physical / sexual, mental / intelligence, emotional, financial, spiritual. After you are done, the put it away but keep it in your mind. Then go out into the world and just live your life. Do the things that inspire you and while your doing that I believe the person you are looking for will find their way into your life.