[ENFP] INFJ breakup need help

..I’m hurting and please help me .

I met her and we started our relationship and went off to a amazing start we started talking about “life partnership “ and said she’d never loved someone or been a lover like she was with me . Never met a man like me etc. Had great adventures , conversations, connection and love .
My car engine exploded on a trip to see her so I owed a lot on the car and looked into bankruptcy.

She felt I was hiding something- I didn’t tell her immediately I waited a week or two after thinking about the bankruptcy. I maybe wanted to not burden the relationship and to make sure we stayed together I admit that , however I also just wanted to decide and handle it before telling her. We weren’t going to buy a house together and everything was going to work out . It was the best decision for my future .

She asked if there’s anything after she wondered if I was cheating and said she knows I’m betraying her! so I told her and explained . Couple weeks later she brings it up and I was defensive because she said I was deceiving her like manipulative.. I said if you don’t believe me then don’t bother with me (in so many words ). So I flew out the next day we talked it out ,made love , I understood and apologized, and we decided to transform our relationship. Had a wonderful morning and next day. I thought it was healed.

She wasn’t really over this emotional anger from me so she comes out for my birthday says “let’s love with out attachment. “ so I think she’s going to leave me . I got emotional asked for reassurance and hugs - she wanted space . I paced around the room and wanted to go for a walk- she said she was going to leave and get a hotel i begged her not to end it like that . She stayed and the next morning went fine but we didn’t talk much and I told her apologies.

Long story short , we don’t talk for a week and she’s on vacation-she breaks up when she returns after I deeply apologized and took responsibility.
a few days later she said let’s move forward with love . Then a couple days later, text me saying it’s totally over and she doesn’t align with me . Later that day she asked me to fly out to see her .
I did yesterday .



We had a long talk and I showed her I changed . I listened to everything she said and didn’t react .
she tells me Doesn’t want an unstable man , needs emotional security, that night showed a pattern that I couldn’t control myself . Says she needed a man to just own their shadow and be authentic . Told me I wasn’t authentic and That I have self loathing and shame when I told her “why does she think of me so negatively” she said she needs a man who would just own all parts of himself .
I said sure those are parts of me and told her all about me and my life story . I haven’t had someone tell me something like this in my entire life . She said it’s because she can see me better than anyone else even my close friends for over decade.
I gave her a masssge and hugs and went to bed.
I told her it can be the start of something new and we could take it slow as I wait for her to trust and feel emotionally intimate with me again . She said that’s not what she wanted.
She remembered some good times and told me she still loves me and there’s a lot of love between us and our connection is strong . Said she couldn’t make love as it would confuse her .
I told her I would wait for her .
She said that’s not good for us.


I am working on myself and I was willing to give it a chance . Now I feel so defeated and exhausted and regret.

Im hurting so bad please advise .

 

Those are helpful questions and I know INFJ likes to see past patterns.
As an ENFP we are know to fall in love quick I’ve had a variety of relationship types from flings to saying we were “married .”
Last relationship fell in love fast and moved in quick but didn’t work out and I dealt with that in therapy .

the only person that reminds me of this sort of situation was a narcissist (clinically diagnosed) that said very hurtful things at the end and they were very similar . After breaking off an engagement. That started my journey of therapy for me .

It will help me to talk more … I want to talk about what’s bothering me . First is I feel it’s all my fault .
Also I think that when she said “she needs a man who integrated his shadow and will not lash out when things are brought up because of shame,”. Maybe I haven’t developed enough as a person .
She said I have my scars right on my sleeve and won’t integrate it . We talked for hours and hours during this break up talk. I can’t believe I flew out there for one night for that .

so it bothers me because she is referring to two times she brought up in vivid detail
1 when she brought up that I deceived her by not disclosing the bankruptcy decision straight away to her . We had this conversation on the phone and I was drunk I did shout and say “if you think I’m such a. Liar and believe nothing I say then don’t fuck with me!” I meant why be with me if I’m like that . So I flew there the next day as planned and we talked everything out . Decided to transform our way of relating during conflict and has An amAzinf time . A couple weeks later

2. when she came out on my birthday and then she said “let’s love without attachment to outcome ,” and that she has accepted the possibility we may not be life partners .she said it’s becusse I hadn’t healed the issues that got me into self betrayal to go into debt .” I kinda got emotional I said if you’re going to break up with me then do it .thanks and I wish you well. “
Then she asked for space I left for twenty minutes came back and asked for a hug . She said no and I was unhealthy . I went to leave and then she said no I’m leaving and I begged her to stay and not go to a hotel on my birthday.

so after a week of space I took full responsibility that I hurt her and I’m taking accountability etc
She broke up with me anyways .

so the other night , when she brought these things up she said I can’t meet her emotional needs of security . That I scared her and was “unstable “ then she went on about how I reacted shows I haven’t incorporated my shadow and I wouldn’t have done that I would’ve just walked away . She said I’m not able to control myself .

i told her see how I’m sitting here just listening I am capable of change like I said and promised I would .
She said it’s too little too late .
What do you think of that? Am I not developed enough as a man ?

finally one other story , we drove on a road trip in her car but I drove . While there thr e first night she got overwhelmed because bugs were there so we switched rooms drove away and got a different place . She got upset telling me she wouldn’t destroy her sleep and work week for our relationship. I was hurt . She did apologize the next morning . Then we had a great time and so on . On the ride back , she kept telling me not to speed I said okay mom.” And she really got ina. Rage and told me it wasn’t a joke that I’m cruel and tried to hurt her etc .
I kind of just kept in my anger and drove home . Then she left and came back due to a. Windstorm and told me she had to tell me that she really wasn’t going to move here because she got approved for a massive down payment assistance for a home in her state . Then we made love and she cried and told me some bad dreams and memories and told me how wonderful of a man I was si vulnerable and open hearted and loving and beautiful .

so that last story all Happened before I told her the bankruptcy. She said why would I go on a trip if I’m going bankrupt. However the lawyer told me that I had to wait 90 days anyways and that whatever was before rhe 99 days would be erased as long as it wasn’t above 859 dollars .

anyways . That’s more context . This hurts me immensely because she thought so highly of me and then different .
She said my pattern of behavior shows I’m unstable and so on as I wrote above .

im also concerned abojt how I lash out and none of my friends think that about me she said I was so crazy that birthday night . But really I was scared and wanted a hug .

Am I just so I’ll equipped for such a developed woman ?

I mean she said all this kid things ar the end and how she still loves me and there’s a lot of love and connection and she will always remember me. Asked me to remember her smh
Yeah that’s everything thanks for listening

 

I do agree but my point was not to say I am correct. I actually am hurt coming to terms with the fact that I believe that I ruined the whole relationship. Like it is true I did raise my voice when she said for the third time that the bankruptcy was a betrayal. And I did get made when she said it's because I did not heal my betrayal that got me into debt.
I got into debt and was paying it off but the car blowing up and me owing so much on it changed everything. I got a substantial raise, so the lawyer advised me it's my only chance to get out of the debts.

I am not thinking of this as getting back with her- just want to think of all the pain I am in and if I truly wrecked this relationship. It's like I believe what she said has some truth she also told me her gift is to see into people and see them and she will not be silenced for her truth that was silenced in multiple past lifetimes.

I feel bad because I also did ask for hugs and stuff and didn't give a ton of space after she said "love without attachement" on my b-day told me my anxiety is not more important than her emotional well-being. Are these things true? Or not true but, is it really messed up how I acted? I feel really terrible about it.
And she said me feeling ashamed just shows I don't own my shadow- that seems true and is really hurtful. These things have done a number on me

Then before leaving we were hugging and holding each other and she was saying the connection is still there and she still loves me, etc.

I just want to make sense of these things about me and I just appreciate these outside persectives.

 

one more thing.. that break up night I took full responsibility, apologized and laid out how I would not do those things again and I would simply walk away if there was something going on upsetting or listen and respond later. Also, I told her didn't my demeanor during this tough conversation show I had changed? and I was willing to change.

 

Thanks so much for all this help .
I really just wanted the redemption of being able to try again in the right way with her . I did many things so right from the kindness I showed and the way I taught her things , how I listened and tried to understand, how I apologized and try to sooth , how I cared for her with touch and massage and like she said how “I truly saw her - one of the only times she ever felt seen.” And I put it in a poem (I’m an artist ) and now she mailed it back to me .

ok, I wish I wasn’t drunk I will start there when I yelled on the phone .
I’ve been dealing with my anger by basically letting it go by punching pillowed and such then I do trauma processing work with my breath and movement including dances and self expression .

Honestly Asa, I agree with you I was upset because it felt so untrue towards me . I felt like projectiles thrown at me . I didn’t betray myself for debt I literally fixed my exes car and she promised to pay me back then she left . And gave me a a bit . The rest of the debt like 10k total was things like restaurants and drinks . I was promised a raise I didn’t get for three years and I am a single father and was making under 45k
She’s very successful and makes a huge salary that I never asked about .
She said she values saving .

why did I go there ? Only if I knew lol I thought I would have this Romantic reconciliation we would work it out and make love .
She told me for the first time in her life she was a lover with someone. She had been a gf or wife but said she’d never been a true lover before that never met a man who wants to be so loving and place her first in love making . And it is something I try my best . I am a emotional man and a poet by trade .
She made me a better poet too.

she told me how much she learned and how it meant so much to her that I came there and it was brave to talk.

i don’t know why I said I would wait but she said that would only cause more pain .
i said let’s just take it day by day and build trust again and the flame will return yet she said she doesn’t want to ans it would only hurt us both .

i fell like she’s done a number on me tbh

 

@aeon thanks for breaking it down point by point- I really relate to another ENFP lol.
And you can recongnize just how much I am taking too much blame. I wish I would've stood up more for myself that night, but I have compassion for myself because that was quite a difficult situation to be int. I am going to reflect more now.

 

thank you for that. I think what’s becoming clear is that I still am willing to put up with so much pain and suffering for love.I did suffer a lot in the relationship. I did spend too much time apologizing. She would get so upset and bring it up and she was very clear about her criticism and overbearing in a way . It hurt me . I am sensitive too. And when she would go away for days or even a week and not talk except on her time this made me very upset . But I was trying to learn to be someone who gives space better .
I want to emphasize that I really did love this woman . As an enfp, I meet new people all the time and I have since exactly one year ago dated four people that I saw multiple times and sometimes quite often each broke up for different reasons and most thought I wasn’t in love with them enough but I only bring this up to say I wasn’t expecting to fall so hard for her.
But she connected with me in a different way she was very interesting and also very interested in me. We talked for hours and hours and I wasn’t bored . And also we would both be very excited what I liked most is I loved to share things with her - something I wrote , an obscure book, a childhood memory, food , a favorite place of mine and she made sure to share experiences too.
So I did love her .

i was beyond blinded when we went from that to her saying “love without attachment “ so yes I defineltu was emotional and kinda running around like a chicken with his head cut off . But to be perfectly honest it was our second or third argument . I usually don’t argue much in relationships so ironically I did here because honestly I was so scared to lose her .

i think the way she brought my psychological growth and spirituality into question was very messed up to do and manipulative and also it was just not kind . It shows she thinks of herself superior.
Seriously I appreciate this forum . And I can’t wait for the day I’m not angry .
I don’t know if I will ever reach out to her again . And I wish that night I would’ve maybe told her about her errors too but I guess idk how to stand up to being put down 20 years later .
Being together I didn’t like how I made more effort and she said she made a lot of effort so I think we are just fundamentally much different and at this point I don’t even think anything positive about her

 

I would like to mention something about this- I drove to see her when the car exploded and I kept her up to date on the process where the dealership wouldn't give me my car back and corporate didn't help fix it etc. She was like I can't believe how well you handle stress etc. It's just once I started thinking of bankruptcy I didn't tell her- she had expressed to me before how much it mattered a partner is financially there, because she took care of her ex-husband and he didn't work hard. Ok, so I did not tell her right away it was about 2 weeks- and during that time she used her intuition to pick up on my feelings- but the accusations were ridiculous- she said it has something to do with the 8th house and a tarot card relating to deception I think 6 of wands? then she said there's another woman I've betrayed the relationship for- then asked maybe it was another man and I am bisexual and haven't told her.
So I said stop thinking all this it's a bankruptcy I didn't tell you right away as I was waiting for the right time and know it ruined your last partnership.
Ok, so just wanted to throw this out here to show her predictions- however she said they were all accurate that some of my female friends love me and that I do share energy openly with my guy friends and she misinterpreted that as sexual. She truly believes she is not wrong because of her psychic gifts.

I have been re-reading this thread and thinking about how she has to own her part in the conversations as well- for instance she chose, two weeks later to bring up the bankruptcy again, she chose to say it shows I haven't healed my betrayal. she chose to not ask me how I felt, she chose that was a big value to her, she chose that me not telling her quicker was betrayal,
I chose not to tell her while on a road trip having fun and yeah that's a sort of lie.
like @Sometimes Yeah said I have my intuition as my main function, too, and I just knew she would trip out.
Literally, all of my friends supported me on it- yeah it was my chance to get out of debt. Her judging me for past debts saying it shows my values and behavior not only is not true but it's not even curious to see why. I explained it all top to bottom to her and took responsibility for my own debt- I did mention exes who took advantage of me financially, but that was a bad choice because it was my decision. I got into 10 k of debt over 5 years. most was nothing extravagant. I grew up with zero life skills taught and I kept good credit my whole adult life after my father ruined my credit at 18 by running up a credit card n my name. I've come a long way and am proud of myself. I got two new jobs now and the bankruptcy will free me.