I never thought in my entire life, that I would be taken advantage of.

[namiasdf]

My ex used me because she wanted company.
It was my first love, so innocent, so giving.
She took advantage of that. She only wanted me to make her feel good.
It's why she didn't like it when I tried to exert in INFJ leadership stuff.
Trying to improve her life.
She just wanted me to make her feel good.

Fuck.

That pisses me right off.

 

[Bollington]

After my relationship broke down with my ex, I realised that in the end she just wanted me for company. For many different reasons, we went on "a break" (which is an awful term really) and eventually broke up, and shortly after that she started trying to get me back and saying how horrible I was not wanting her back, but the truth is I can now see through what she's saying. It's still fairly raw for me, because we had quite a long relationship and only broke up recently, but I'm doing my best to take any positives I can away from the situation, to use them for the future.

It's really tough that your first love ended like that, so I feel for you there. I imagine it'll take quite some time to come to terms with what's happened, and in my view you're only realistically going to be able to do this in your own way - i.e. by a process of time and self-reflection. I wouldn't presume to know a lot here, but in time try not to attach blame to either of you and see it as a step on the path to finding something better and more rewarding, because you will find someone else, someone different who will treat you better. I'm still new to this whole INF* thing, but if it's any consolation I've had my share of pain.

I hope you'll feel better about this in time, but for the moment maybe just do something that relaxes you and/or makes you happy.

 

[Kmal]

Dont let her make you any less of a man. Keep making yourself better and you will find someone better. Keep your head up.

 

[FamineGT]

It sucks when your first relationship ends on such a sour note. My recent ex in the long term did a lot of things that were similar to your situation.

She stayed with me because she felt I was "safe" and that I'd be there to help her whenever she'd run into problems.
She had an ex that she couldn't stand to be around but yet still sort of put up with him when he'd call her 15+ times a day.
At one point of the relationship, she lived about a two hours' bus ride away for about a year and even with time and money constrictions, I'd to visit when I could.
When she came back, she was debating on going back to school aiming for a certain career path and I helped her with her decision and offered to help with her finances during that time when she was short.
She said she loved me during all that time and I believed it. That's when it became quite the shocker when I found out that she cheated on me with some guy she met online because he fit her needs better at that point in time.

The biggest difference is that this wasn't my first relationship. It was my fourth. I used to be pretty giving in my earlier relationships and as the next one occurred, I became a bit more cynical and a bit more guarded.

What I find becomes a tricky point, is when some of your friends can catch the warning signs quicker than you do. It's always easier seeing things from an outside perspective but there is always that dilemma on whether you tell the person in the relationship the truth or not. The ones that do might face backlash from their friend, as he/she may not be seeing the situation objectively and may cut them off as a result.

I guess for yourself, that sign of her not liking it when you were trying to help improve her life was one of those warning signs and you realize it now. I hope that the next person will be more appreciative of your actions, even if they may not fully agree with it. As long as they even consider what you are suggesting to them, then that's a good sign of their respect for your opinion. If they disagree and are able to come up with valid reasons for their own decision, then it should reflect their consideration for your suggestions.

You're doing a fine job so far. Take the high road and don't do anything that you'll regret later with this person.

 

[Gaze]

You seem to be more invested than she was. Remember people are not perfect and can't be saints. Next time, focus more on mutual committment than giving your all to a relationship especially if the other person doesn't seem to be as committed or involved. Trust me, I know from experience how easy it is to give too much to a relationship when the other person doesn't want the same things. Sometimes, it's compatibility of interests.

Be honest with yourself about who you are in a relationship with and what you want vs. what they want. Don't confuse the two. Simply because you feel strongly about someone doesn't mean they will feel the same. Sometimes, we can get caught up in our own feelings or emotional attachments or committments to someone that we don't see them for who they are or what they want; we simply assume they feel the same way we do or want the same things we want. Sounds like you wanted or expected more from the relationship than she did. But keep in mind, people are individuals. If she mislead you, of course, this was wrong, but you can't hold her responsible for what you wanted or expected if she didn't suggest or indicate that she had the same feelings or wanted the same things. Sometimes, we miss what's really happening because we are so focused on what we want from the relationship.

In the future, get to know the next person well before investing too much. Do not allow yourself to be blinded to what the other partner feels because of what you are feeling. Remember they are a separate person with their own wants, needs or interests. If the other person is not willing to give as much or invest as much then use that to help you decide whether you should continue. If you continue to overinvest in a relationship with little return, you will get hurt. Match your investment to the other person's interest. Don't expect someone who is not as invested to give the same amount to the relationship.

See them for who they are, not what you want them to be or what you want from them. And only enter into a relationship if this person shows real interest and caring for you the person, and not what they can get from you. Remember, each person has a right to their own feelings about a relationship.

Don't get too caught up in your emotions or feelings about someone that you miss building a firm foundation of real interest, honesty, and committment if that's what you want.

 

[namiasdf]

Man, I already love you guys lol.
Thanks for this, it has given me a lot of insight.

I understand that it was partially my fault, and she should not be blamed for taking advantage of how giving I was, but I really didn't know any better.
Hopefully I can do better for the future, but I'm not exactly a person who has girls flocking to me.

But at least now, I can stop crying, and stop feeling like I'm in the pits. That always helps.

 

[CindyLou]

[MENTION=1669]Carrie[/MENTION]...that's easy to say when you're the one not being rejected. Essentially, you're just explaining to him why she rejected him. I know understanding how rejection works can ease some of the pain, but still at the core, no one likes to be rejected for who they are. Your post is still basically spot on though, not trying to nitpick

On a brighter note OP; she liked your company. Why would you try to improve her life? What?

 

[namiasdf]

Well at the start of our love, she wanted it.
We were going to budget, we were going to get a car, and were going to do everything together and start a life together.
Financially I was the rock, and I was going to school for engineering, while she was stuck in her job.

But yeah.

I have more thinking to do as I gain more revelation.

 

[Gaze]

@Carrie ...that's easy to say when you're the one not being rejected. Essentially, you're just explaining to him why she rejected him. I know understanding how rejection works can ease some of the pain, but still at the core, no one likes to be rejected for who they are. Your post is still basically spot on though, not trying to nitpick

On a brighter note OP; she liked your company. Why would you try to improve her life? What?

No, it's not easy to say. @CindyLou I know very well what it's like to face rejection a number of times. One lesson we have to learn is that you can't change the past but you can learn from it. And it's really not a good idea to see it as "rejected." That's only allowing someone to see themselves as the lesser one in the relationship. That's not good. When people get caught in "rejected" mode, they give the other person more opportunities to call the shots, and take advantage because then they feel they are not deserving or inadequate or must have done something wrong for the other person to leave, when the real issue is that other person made a conscious choice to do something that was more about them. Her choice needs to be seen as her choice. Chances are, she knew early on she wasn't in it for the long haul, and maybe always felt that way but wasn't honest or upfront. If she really saw this as a partnership, she wouldn't been more honest and clear rather than continue appearing to want more. Maybe she was afraid or didn't know how to say how she truly felt but she wasn't honest enough with herself or you it seems @namiasdf That's something only she is responsible for.


At this point, learning why it didn't work out is better than repeating the same behavior in future relationships and ending up with the same results.

 

[Bollington]

At this point, learning why it didn't work out is better than repeating the same behavior in future relationships and ending up with the same results.

I definitely agree with the other things you said, but this in particular stood out. It's best to make break ups a positive experience by learning from them and enriching future relationships with that knowledge and experience. You never know who the next person will be, but you're bound to be in a much better position if you've come to terms with what's happened to you, relationship-wise in the past.

I'm an incredibly bitter person at times, but I do know that in the past some of my relationships haven't worked for specific reasons (mine, theirs, bad timing, all sorts really) and it's been a positive thing to take that away and learn from it.

 

[Gaze]

Always go into a relationship, with eyes wide open. Don't always assume the ideal. See it instead as a process. Don't focus on what it will be but what it is. It's easy to miss what's right in front of us when we're busy making plans about ten miles down the road.

 

[namiasdf]

I just talked to her for the last time.

I told her that I will become a better person.
See, there are two me's. The me that is the INFJ, and the me that is the social barrier I created to protect myself.
When things started going south, I became the social me, and she started going on depression breaks.
Our problems continued to stack, and it just blew up in our faces, because both of us were doing wrong to each other, thinking that we were doing what was best.

So I'm going to make a conscious effort to eliminate the barrier that is the social me.
It's most due to my pot smoking habits, which would also explain my extremely high introverted antisocial tendencies now.
But I can do better.
And I will do better.
We both screwed up, but the thing is, she loved me for the me on the inside, and I will be alone for the rest of my life unless I can start to be the real me.

Cheers INFJ forum.

 

[Sai]

being the giver in a relationship its always the hardest. Many times the other person just doesn't return the same feelings. The ideal relationship is when the 2 complement each order

 

[Leticia Mejor]

'I just talked to her for the last time'. My advice to you is to make sure it is, indeed, the last time. We INFJ's can hold unto people in our hearts/minds forever. By remaining to talk to her, you might have a hard time being free.

 

[namiasdf]

You are so totally correct.
I loved her with all my heart, so it's going to be almost impossible to let go completely.
But I have to, because life needs to move on.
School, friends, family.
If one day we meet again, and things are different, then who knows.
Possibilitiesss.

 

[Skarekrow]

Sorrow may carve out your soul....but it will also open up more room for joy....

 

[namiasdf]

Also true.
Now that I've experienced love for the first time, there is a gap in my life, after losing her.
So now I have more room to create an even stronger/better relationship because now I know what I'm looking for.

The dating game seems so tiresome for me. I never dated in high school, and now I have to learn this all in university.
Thank goodness I'm a fast learner >.>. But I always have to make mistakes to learn, which is the worst part.
I foresee a lot of pain in my future, unless I get lucky.

 

[Bollington]

What is life without pain? It'll hopefully make the good parts all the better...

 

[Skarekrow]

Also true.
Now that I've experienced love for the first time, there is a gap in my life, after losing her.
So now I have more room to create an even stronger/better relationship because now I know what I'm looking for.

The dating game seems so tiresome for me. I never dated in high school, and now I have to learn this all in university.
Thank goodness I'm a fast learner >.>. But I always have to make mistakes to learn, which is the worst part.
I foresee a lot of pain in my future, unless I get lucky.

The first love is the worst pain....I remember that and how it felt so terrible, painful, hopeless....but I am still here as are 99% of the people who lost their first loves...of course you tell yourself that yours was special, different, unique....and it was, it was for you and how it will shape you and how you will love in the future...what you will look for in another person, and how you will love someone again...but it will happen...I agree that dating is horrible...never enjoyed it myself....but you have to have faith that there is someone else out there for you...just by the raw percentages of people in the world you have to agree that there is someone else out there for you...she wasn't the only one who can fall in love with you and vice-versa...yes, she will always have a special place in your heart and you should treasure that, but don't give up on love.