How would you react? | INFJ Forum

How would you react?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by acd, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    How would you react to someone you are dating (long term) asking you, "Why are you with me?" after an argument?


     
  2. yepunsarang

    yepunsarang Community Member

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    wow...I would be pretty silent for a while. If I were feeling emotionally vulnerable, I'd probably just start crying and not keep it in. But if I were prepared to ans that question, I'd probably tell that person the truth...and turn toward them seriously ask and them what THEY think. I really dislike playing games.
     
  3. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    i'd be a bit hurt, but i probably wouldn't say anything. it'd be like "you know why" and if they didn't.. then i'd wonder why they were with me.
     
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  4. Gaze

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    I think it's a pretty reasonable question. And it really depends on the length of the relationship, the comfort level with the partner, the reason for the disagreement, etc. If someone feels as if the person they've been with has only been with them for reasons that are quite different than what was expected then it's makes that person question. If the argument in some way makes the person question whether or not their partner truly understands them, then they may wonder whether this person really knew them at all and really understood who they were, and if they didn't understand and appreciate that, then why would this person continue the relationship after all this time.
     
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  5. Bored Now

    On Holiday

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    Ha I'm the queen of answering a question with a question. I think my first instinct would be to answer that question with :'Why are you asking me that?' or 'Where did that come from?' I'm not sure if that's the proper way to go about things though. Questions like that make me scared to be honest and I need to know the motivation for asking them before I answer anything like that. "Are you looking for reassurance or clarification with that question?" But I tend to be overly cautious and over-think everything.
     
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  6. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    yeah but it's implying they don't want to be with you.. or they don't think you want to be with them. and after an argument unless the argument is about breaking up, it's like you're bringing that idea to the forefront. i wouldn't mind if they asked it at any other time, just not straight after a fight about something else.
     
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  7. under skies

    under skies Community Member

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    ... I think I would answer the question. Or cry. I cry a lot when I should be answering questions.

    But, I mean, I wouldn't object to getting around to answering it. I could definitely see myself accidentally letting something like that slip at some point, because sometimes you just have to wonder.

    Anyway, I'd probably just try to explain that I understand the differences in how we see whatever it is we were arguing about and that I understand that there are some things we will just never agree on. And then I'd explain how that difference wasn't an issue for me. Depending on the situation, I suppose I might ask if the difference is an issue for them.



    I don't know. This is a very broad topic and there is very little information available. It so depends on the nuances of the situation.
     
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  8. Gaze

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    But suppose this is just one argument among many they've had, and it's the last straw. Well, if the person feels they're being treated unfairly, taken for granted, or mistreated in some other way, then it does beg the question, doesn't it?
     
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  9. OP
    acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I agree with this. This is what I feel. I don't see how an argument could raise such a question especially when arguments are infrequent. It's just weird.


    People argue then they work it out, you don't always need to question the relationship..

    Unless only one party is sure of their feelings.. And that party wouldn't be asking, "Why are you with me?"

    This is the discussion I'm about to have with someone, that's why I ask.
     
    #9 acd, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  10. rawr

    rawr ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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    taken aback. probably be quiet for a long while... did someone say that to you? :(
     
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  11. Gaze

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    This^^
     
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  12. Roger

    Roger ...

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    I will say, i am sorry. May be i am wrong choice for you. Mine true partner is still to come, so i should not be with you. So, i had happy time with you and now let go to move ahead on each others path.

    I know this is painful question.
     
  13. Bored Now

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    But isn't it easier to just say "I feel you're treating me unfair, I feel taken for granted, I feel mistreated" Rather than to ask a question like "Why are you with me?" It's almost a passive aggressive way to make a statement. I'm NOT saying that was the case, because I don't have enough information to determine that. i'm just saying, say what you mean, you know? It leaves very little room for confusion. And for me confusion causes insecurity...
     
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  14. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    even if they feel that way just saying "why are you with me" is passive aggressive and won't really solve anything. it's probably better to directly say what you think, that you feel hurt or that you don't think the relationship is going to work.
     
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  15. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    First, I would answer their question.

    Then, if they were open to receiving me, I would ask them why they had asked me the question - what need of theirs were they trying to meet in the asking of it.


    cheers,
    Ian
     
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    #15 aeon, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  16. Gaze

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    The question could open up a discusssion about the real source of the conflict.
     
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  17. OP
    acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Thanks for the input.
     
    #17 acd, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  18. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Agree, I am also feeling like this. But it's hard. Question makes your dating partner, after an argument. We don't know what was their past, i mean how they spend time with each other.
     
  19. Gaze

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    Agree.
     
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  20. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    true but so could the ways i proposed, and they would probably work better because it would focus in on what the actual source of the problem is. "why are you with me" is very indirect and can lead to confusion, the person might say "because i love you" misunderstanding the intent behind the question, and their partner would feel even more misunderstood and upset
     
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