How to win back an INFJ guy

[kotachi]

Once an INFJ guy has broken up with you, is it possible to win him back? How do you do it?


Is it possible, once they've told you they no longer feel attracted except physically/don't feel they are in a psychological place to be in a serious relationship because they are going abroad for a year next year? We are both living at our parent's houses. He is employed and I am looking for work. He told me to move on and that he only cares as friends, and I handled the breakup really badly. However he was so indecisive during our protracted 2 month separation I feel like maybe I could win him back. we broke up once due to distance, with promises of dating again when we were back in the same place. then, after a bunch of drama entirely my fault, he changed his mind once I moved back and decided he didn't want to date, even casually.

It was my first real relationship and unfortunately I made a lot of mistakes. I lashed out at him during stressful times after our first breakup and hurt him badly (although he claimed to have forgiven me. I acted very clingy and controlling. I was very insecure and felt like he was too good for me which I think led to my behavior. (I have a lot of issues with emotional intimacy due to my upbringing). I was codependent and lost myself while dating him..my self-esteem tanked. I became someone I wasn't. i realize i have big problems in relationships due to how i was raised and am currently seeking help with it.

To make things worse, upon moving back home 400 miles away from my college town with my entire network to live with my parents in the suburbs (who were previously very abusive), I had a breakdown. Lost 15 lbs and fell into clinical depression for the first time in my life. I am starting to crawl out of it now but I confided to him at one point that I felt suicidal and freaked him out. He helped me and let me call him and listened/was concerned, but now I realize how inappropriate it was to place that burden on him and have been relying on other friends for the past week as I get through this.

the last time i saw him, we got dinner. it went okay he asked if we could get dinner again in the future (but he's the type that frequently will say stuff and then not follow up). and then when i'd asked him to hang out this weekend he made up some lame excuse. however then two days later he messaged me a friendly "how's your friday going" (the first time he'd initiated contact with me in a while), and I messaged him a friendly "hello" today with a cool fact i'd read in nat geo. However I have now deleted his number to resist any attempt to contact him as it's been very one-sided and to be honest i am still not completely in control of my current clingy/needy state of mind. :/


I want nothing more than to win him back... now that I've had some time I am kicking myself over how i acted and the mistakes i made. I am slowly getting better and when we hang out it feels like there might still be some attraction there in him...but I am noticing that I am the one doing all the initiating.

He has a lot of female friends, but how can I get him back if I'm not his friend? Could it be too late/have I passed the point of no return?

I've never met someone like him in my life and I was completely in love for the first time. He is literally the perfect person for me and I can't handle the idea of having lost him due to my behavior. But I am afraid that I could lie firmly in the category of "crazy ex", and although he kept saying he understood and didnt' judge me, I am really afraid that he is only being friends with me to make sure I don't off myself and then once I seem okay, will run away.

 

[barbad0s]

This sounds like what happened to me during my first "real" relationship (with an INFJish type too), almost word for word. The depression, the part about your parents... just, everything.

My advice? Before you even worry about "winning him back", get the help you need and learn how to be you again. Do not rely on his presence--or anyone else's, for that matter--in your life, for your emotional stability and happiness.

If he is going abroad for a year and doesn't think he'll be in a psychological place to be in a serious relationship, I think you should respect his wishes. It is probably for the best. Don't push it. Two people who are not in an ideal psychological place will not be able to build a proper relationship.

If it is too painful for you to stay friends and you don't think even having a healthy friendship is possible for you right now (i.e. one where you're sure you won't be a crazy clingy ex with ulterior motives), consider distancing yourself from him even from being able to interact casually online. If you can manage it however, maybe you can maintain a friendship with him.

And you know, it might not work out and you'll have to learn to live with it. If you truly love him, the fact that you and him have found your own happinesses separately should be satisfactory.

 

[Skathac]

I once broke up with a woman I had deep feelings for because I knew she was bound for a direction I could never go in. This was eight years ago and if I close my eyes I can still smell her and feel her eyes trying to dissect my very being to see if she can figure out what makes me tick. I still have feelings for her and hope she is doing well, but I still don't feel that we were meant to be forever.

I can say that I thought the matter through for a very long time before I came to that decision. When we say it is us not you, I can honestly say ninety nine percent of the time that is exactly what we mean.

I can't tell you a definitive methodology on how to win him back or if you should win him back. At the end of the day our heads can be just as f'ked up as everyone else's, might want to keep that in mind before putting him too high up on that pedestal.

 

[kotachi]

"When we say it is us not you, I can honestly say ninety nine percent of the time that is exactly what we mean."

that's what he had initially said, multiple times in different ways. but i was so convinced that it was something i'd done/freaking out that I pushed him until he finally said he wasn't attracted and admitted that I had played a role too. i also made the mistake of telling him that I was in love with him. overall i handled the breakup in probably the worst way one could imagine, but at the same time i was so stressed out (losing weight, not sleeping) over having to move back that I wasn't in control of myself. it was a bad time. (and the transition from college to the real word is probably universally stressful).

i wonder if, i hadn't pushed him, if it would have been different. initially it was "just friends until I move out" but i just kept fucking pushing him because, with how stressed out and alone I felt, I wasn't able to control myself in a mature way. can't stop beating myself up over it because i did literally every single fucking possible thing wrong over the months that our relationship was in limbo.

i keep hoping that maybe in enough time, it'll be water under the bridge, but i know that is a fantasy. i'm trying so hard to let go but it is so difficult when you have so many regrets.

 

[Skathac]

Sometimes I think it is human nature to replay every little thing we do and perceive it as wrong when at the time it just felt like the right thing. Part of life is making mistakes and trying to learn something from them. I'm 32 and sometimes I feel like I haven't learned anything...keep trying to though.

The heartache will get easier with time, it will feel tender if you dwell on it hardcore like...but there will come a time you will look back on what happened and understand that you did the best you could then based on what you were feeling and what you knew. Your side is just one side, there may very well have been better ways for him to conduct himself as well...there are two people here so you can't put all this blame just on yourself.

 

[barbad0s]

"When we say it is us not you, I can honestly say ninety nine percent of the time that is exactly what we mean."

That makes me feel a lot better to hear, because that's what he had initially said, multiple times in different ways. but i was so convinced that it was something i'd done/freaking out that I pushed him until he finally said he wasn't attracted. i also made the mistake of telling him that I was in love with him. overall i handled the breakup in probably the worst way one could imagine, but at the same time i was so stressed out (losing weight, not sleeping) over having to move back that I wasn't in control of myself. it was a bad time.

i wonder if, i hadn't pushed him, if it would have been different. initially it was "just friends until I move out". can't stop beating myself up over it because i did literally every single fucking possible thing wrong.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. We all make mistakes, even when it comes to things we truly valued and wanted to work out perfectly, but it's never the end of the world. You did the best you could knowing what you knew. I am really really empathizing with you right now.

When I broke up with my ex who was overseas in his home country, a month later I caved and told him that I would drop everything else in my life, move to the other side of the world, and marry him if he would stay with me. And all this was while I was dating (ahem, rebounding with) another (INFJ) guy who I frantically snagged shortly after the breakup just for a shoulder to lean on to ease my pain and insecurities. I was on medication and severely depressed and anxious. I was a wreck. I was 17 years old and in my mind my only three options I had left with my life were to give my entire being to this man I was in love with, to live the rest of my days in darkness and despair, or to end it. And of course, I put the burden of all of this on him. He had to get me to promise him that I would not kill myself. Every minute alive was a struggle.

I can say that throughout my journey recovering from all of this, I have come full circle and I can tell you that the last thing you should be doing is beating yourself up about it. Don't let your experiences make you want to change into someone who you aren't just to win someone back. I tried to uproot my entire life for him and ended up a shell of a human being. And after the long painful ride back to reality, I have returned to who I once was, and I've realized that I am once again the person that my ex once fell in love with, except even better. I remembered how to love and to respect myself. I will also never forget what he once told me about why he liked me. It was because I was confident and comfortable with myself, cheerful, and ambitious. No man will love you if you don't love yourself, and few relationships that involve someone who is emotionally unstable will be destined for success. It's not something that you can fake. If you focus on doing what is right for you in your life right now in order to achieve your personal goals and happiness, I guarantee that any "methodology" to get any guy that you want will reveal its stepping stones to you when the time is right. We ENF females might have a knack for that when it comes to guys.

If you want to know how things turned out between us, I have basically lost any semblance of friendship with him aside from polite "Facebook" interactions once in a blue moon, but we are both in relationships with other people now. I am happy and I hope he is too. I hope he ends up marrying the person he is dating, or does so with someone soon, as he is at that age. Complete 180 on the mental outlook for me.

 

[Eric86]

One thing I can say is that telling him you were suicidal is not necessarily putting a burden on him. I personally would not consider it a burden at all and would be glad to help any way I can (and I have done this with my ex, which was my first and only relationship so far, it was her first relationship as well). I had no problem with it and it didn't stress me out or anything.

 

[acd]

^^red flag, ladies.

 

[Nitesteamer]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=6717]kotachi[/MENTION].

I'm sorry for the suffering that you are experiencing. Even though you have made mistakes (like the rest of us), throughout your post I have noticed a theme of personal maturity and of taking responsibility. I have to believe if you take some of the very good advice seen above, and truly allow yourself the necessary time to heal, that you will become the apple of someone's eye.

 

[Eric86]

^^red flag, ladies.

What do you mean?

 

[Korg]

blowjob.

 

[Cerce]

One thing I can say is that telling him you were suicidal is not necessarily putting a burden on him. I personally would not consider it a burden at all and would be glad to help any way I can (and I have done this with my ex, which was my first and only relationship so far, it was her first relationship as well). I had no problem with it and it didn't stress me out or anything.

There's the red flag.

Also, based on personal experience, it's not healthy. It's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for her, and if you really do succeed in 'helping' her, she only grows dependent on you and makes it all harder in the end.

 

[Eric86]

I don't see how it's a red flag. That was back when we were in a relationship, we don't even talk any more now. I did help her quite a bit and she did not become dependent on me. She is way better now to the point where it isn't even an issue for her any more. I don't think it was unhealthy for either of us. My personal experience is definitely not the same as yours.

 

[kotachi]

thanks all for your advice. i just got word back from a paid internship i applied to - i got it! amazing how much having something good happen in your life can help you feel better.


my question though still.. i mean, at this point has it gone past the point of no return? should i never contact him again, or hope that it could be reeled back in once I am in a better spot and have sorted out my insecurities? if he decides to not go abroad? do INFJs forgive/forget with this kind of stuff?

i guess it just confuses me that he texted me even after blowing me off for hanging out this weekend. it makes me wonder if he is still confused, maybe a little. when i am feeling confident he pulls closer ive noticed. the whole relationship was very push-pull with him, actually.

i am also one of his only local friends here.... im worried about the dynamic. but i feel like if maybe i could get to a point of confident swagger again things might go in my favor? work up the sex appeal? understanding other people's motives is my achilles' heel.

 

[Sriracha]

INFJs will let a "nonworking" relationship linger on forever before they will do something about it. I think partially b/c they are hoping the other party picks up on the bad vibes they project in order to make the separation mutual, and not heartbreaking. When an INFJ makes a bond with you, it can never be broken ... so he may go back and forth a few times.

I think you BOTH should move on to greener pastures.

 

[BMatt]

INFJs will let a "nonworking" relationship linger on forever before they will do something about it. I think partially b/c they are hoping the other party picks up on the bad vibes they project in order to make the separation mutual, and not heartbreaking. When an INFJ makes a bond with you, it can never be broken ... so he may go back and forth a few times.

I think you BOTH should move on to greener pastures.

There is incredibly too much truth in this statement.



I'll apologize early for the bluntness of this next bit, but it is probably the truth:

YOU CANNOT WIN AN INFJ BACK THROUGH CONSCIOUS EFFORT.

Any INFJ will be wary of such attempts, and see right through them. You can't get an INFJ back until you attain wholeness on your own, which kinda requires not wanting to win back the INFJ. The advice here would be that you need to carry on with your life and find your path to the future without this INFJ. If you're ever at a point where you are happy without the INFJ and are struck by an odd impulse to say 'Hi', you might just be granted a chance to test if your newly-found wholeness of self will mesh with the INFJ.

B

 

[Faye]

I don't think you're past the point of no return. I don't really have enough information to say more, but I think that if you communicate all of this stuff to him, he might be willing to try again.

My big question is whether or not he has strong feelings for you. Is he emotionally and physically into you? You can rebuild trust, but you have to have that chemistry.

 

[Jill Hives]

I echo much of the sentiments of those above me.

In my experience, going into this sort of thing with the idea of "winning someone back" is not a good idea. That term is, in and of itself, utter BS in my opinion. People can't really be won. They either want you or they don't. Care about yourself and if he sees you as someone desirable again, you'll have him of his own free will. If not, then rest assured there is someone else out there who will see you as desirable.

 

[sassafras]

I am really sorry to hear that you have had so many emotional struggles in your life, kotachi. There are many of us who have grappled with a lot of the troubles you have and we can sympathize how difficult it can be to get healing, let alone the challenge of doing so when the people who had supported us are no longer there or want to be involved.

I understand that you still love your ex, but given all these psychological issues you've named and the fact that you've stated that you've been co-dependent in the past, I think its important to ask yourself how much of that anxiety you're going through right now is due to your affection for him and how much of it is discomfort of removing a safety net. It is a blunt question, but it is a fair one, and I think that if you truly love your ex, you'll also consider his point of view and the emotional toll this relationship had taken on him. It could very well be that he's burned out and is simply not capable of giving you the support you need without buckling under the psychological burden of your problems. It's not fair to demand that of him if he wants to build a life separate from that. Even if you have made some small progress, I'm sure given your history, you can understand how long it takes for some psychological wounds to scab over. The uncomfortable but honest truth is, it's probably going to take him some time to detach from the emotional drain and memory of the stifling relationship you just described.

All hope is not lost, however. It's possible you might get back together in the future, but that hugely depends on you resolving your issues and giving him time to heal and to notice that you've changed. This means you need to be brave and live your lives separate from one another. It may mean that he dates other people and you have to respect his decision to do so even if it hurts. Personally, I'd suggest you cease contact for a little while and try not to seek him out, in person, Facebook, online, etc. Out-of-sight and out-of-mind, as they say... and this is especially true when treating co-dependency.

You need to give yourself a chance to build up your independence and self-esteem and given your past patterns, I really don't think you'll be able to do that while you're involved in a relationship. I know you feel strongly about him, but you need to let him go (for now) and focus on you. It's going to be uncomfortable, it's going to be stressful, you're probably going to spend a lot of nights crying, but that's part of the process... eventually you're going to come to the very conscious decision that you're in control of your life and that no matter who you meet or what happens to you, you've still got the ability to decide how you will respond and you won't crumble just because you're faced with hardship.

And then, who knows? You two might meet again and have a healthy, happy relationship together and give each other the very best each of you has to offer. In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck. I think you have a lot of healing and soul-searching to do.

 

[kotachi]

thanks everyone. what is so distressing about this is that I *did* have a second chance, but then i ruined it with my truly juvenile, crazy and selfish behavior upon moving back. and i dont have anything to blame for it except myself but it is even beyond me how i could have acted in such a way. honestly if somebody had acted the way I did towards me i would want nothing to do with them after. as i said before i dont have a family really, and i was so convinced he would be the one...even though we only dated for 4-5 months i knew i'd never met anyone like him before...

getting over this would be easier if my life weren't so shitty in general right now. living at my parent's house in the middle of nowhere. i come here asking for hope but i know the chances of that are zilch at this point. to answer the question yes i can definitely tell he is still physically attracted to me but considering that all i did was talk about how insecure i felt and about all my problems during the relationship, in addition to being controlling as hell, i doubt that is something he will ever be able to forget.

not to mention the two fights i picked with him. the stuff I said was truly and honestly, personally, hurtful. you truly shouldn't feel any sympathy for me. he called me and left two voicemails where he started to cry and the second time this happened...that was when he suddenly started calling me his friend. i truly hurt him.

i have never been in such a bad place before in my life and the internet is the only place I feel I can turn to at this point. i am so full of self-loathing it is unbelievable.


removed him from facebook about a month ago and definitely giving him a whole lot of space and not contacting him unless he contacts me. (which i have a feeling may not happen now that he's no longer afraid I am going to hurt myself). the relationship was a whole slew of me completely flipping out in an immature way because i dont know how to express my anger or communicate in an effective way and then groveling on my metaphorical knees for him to forgive me because i have so many problems, etc, so i'm sure the last thing he wants right now is yet another apology.

and it's true. if i truly cared about him i would realize how awful i've been and never presume to attempt to enter his life again. i am afraid i may have even been somewhat abusive. i just dont know. all i know is how much i hate myself right now for ruining this and how terrible i feel. and how out of control i felt in that relationship, with my insecurities completely driving me.

thanks all for your words of advice. hoping therapy will help me regain my life. I have my first appt tomorrow.