[INFJ] - How to stop being anxious in relationships? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] How to stop being anxious in relationships?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by damian lee, May 28, 2019.

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  1. damian lee

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    How do I stop feeling anxious in a relationship? I constantly feel on edge or worried. I don't want to burden my partner with my problems so I struggle with being open about my true thoughts and feelings (I always eventually do). Also, I worry too much about their feelings being genuine although they reassure me countless times. I have been cheated on in the past and the trauma may be coming back to me. Any advice or tips? Thank you! <3
     
  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    You can be philosophical about this, and break down the potentialities:

    1) You trust her, and she is trustworthy
    2) You trust her, and she is untrustworthy
    3) You don't trust her, and she is trustworthy
    4) You don't trust her, and she is untrustworthy

    Work through these four states of possibility and analyse the outcome of each one. You yourself can only control if you do or don't trust - you can't control how she is. This is how I see it:

    1) Perfect, nothing to worry about.
    2) Neither your fault nor your problem. You'll find out eventually, and then you can just kick her to the curb.
    3) You're being unfair and may introduce undue tension to the relationship.
    4) Get out.

    For me this means that the only position is to trust, because you're dong your part there. Now, this doesn't mean not to keep your wits about you, but it does mean not to devote more time to suspicion than it's worth.

    Suspicion and mistrust are corrosive emotions, and we would all do well to excise them from our hearts. What you want to cultivate instead is an objective bullshit detector that doesn't give a fuck either way. You can do this, or you can devolve the responsibility to a friend or fourteen.
     
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    To be honest, though, your gut feeling and my sniff test tells me that she's no good.

    Just an opinion, though, and entirely opposite to the one I just promoted :neutral: lol. Consider the above advice in general, and this one an intuition about your situation.
     
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  4. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Honestly, I'd just cut to the chase and ask her if there is someone else. If you have stronger evidence than her word that she is cheating on you, leave her because cheating is abuse.

    Don't tolerate abuse.
     
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  5. Puzzlenuzzle

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    What Pin said, and please don't make stories/narratives in your mind.

    I honestly though feel like there is nothing going on and on that note:
    You are simply projecting your fear onto her. You should tell her. It can be difficult to love and to be loved, it's not easy, and at times it can be the hardest thing. Also, remember that she reassures you and that in itself is a beautiful thing as not everyone is ready to take into account that people don't have a clean slate, or are willing to go through the ups and downs.
    Allowing someone to love you is also sharing your struggles whilst not being judged, you two seem to have that (when you eventually share).

    Share with her your fears and thoughts when they come up which btw is much better than to approach it by needing reassurance or by necessarily asking questions that sprout momentarily from fear: "would you ever..."&c.. that honestly just creates a vicious cycle as the reassurance can only last that long. So, aim for the root of it.

    Eventually you are also just going to have to decide to share your vulnerability with her or not. You can fear for that emotional rejection all the time or you can later wish you had just gone for it... still, you seem to know that ..Like you said, you always eventually share.

    Also, don't forget that doubting someones sincerity and being sceptical in a relationship when they are sincere is playing with fire. If done repeatedly, it can quickly become an emotional rejection even abuse in some cases. She needs to feel safe too y'know.

    I'm glad to see that you acknowledge that this might just be a projection, treat it as such. :blush:

    Still,

    If something is going on:
    Leave or work through it together.
    Either way, what's the worst that could happen?

    ----

    Question, are you ready for a relationship?
     
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    #5 Puzzlenuzzle, May 28, 2019
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
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  6. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Corrupt AF.
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    Interesting thread.

    You've been cheated on in the past. Were you like this before you got cheated on? If not, it only makes sense. Cheating is betrayal. That hurts to the core, changes you. Takes time to heal, to learn to trust again.
    Does your current partner know about this?
    She's not to blame for what your ex did of course, and I even agree with Hos that it isn't entirely fair to her.
    But that's feelings. They're not fair, they just are.
    The only thing that works is to talk to her. Be completely open about all your fears and insecurities. "I'm anxious when ABC because in the past XYZ." For example, you can start by sharing that you're afraid of being a burden to her with your problems/feelings and why you feel that way.
    If she loves you, she will react with compassion. Then work with her. Be open with each other. With time, it will diminish. Yes, that's hard, but it's the only way.
    If she reacts dismissive or hostile or turns it back on you, then your anxiety will only increase and it won't work between you.

    I have no idea who your partner is by the way, so this is general advice.

    Ps: Distractions work when you can't talk to your partner right away. Books, games, tv shows, sports, hanging out with a friend. Something that keeps the mind busy. At first you'll find it doesn't work well cause your mind will keep coming back to the anxiety. But over time you'll get better at it.
     
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  7. Infjente

    Infjente Community Member

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    An anxious person should usually not "go with their gut" when they are anxious. From the way you describe your situation, it sounds like you have a tendency to be anxious in relationships? If that's the case, that's what you need to work on, as you stated in the title of this post.

    What's the most common way to bite the head of anxiety? Exposure>>experience of mastering your fear>>acceptance>>fear is neutralized/anxiety is gone. In your case, you are constantly exposed to your fear from being in a relationship, so you need to jump right to the process of acceptance. Accept that your partner can't make you feel secure. Accept that your partners passion and feelings for you might and will vary. Accept that your partner have secrets and won't share all their thoughts with you. And so on. Be clear on what your personal boundaries are. If you comprise on those in fear of being rejected, it will trigger even more anxiety.

    Break the vicious circle. We got secure, anxious and avoidant attachment styles, right? In a relationship between two people, an anxious person can trigger avoidance in an otherwise secure person. An avoidant person can trigger an anxious style in an otherwise secure person. This is because both the anxious and the avoidant person will look for evidence that they are in danger, and those who look will find (often not rational). Once they have found these evidence, their behavior in the relationship will change slightly or significantly. The otherwise secure person will sense that something is wrong, but have no idea what it is or why, and will usually respond in a way that confirms the anxious or avoidants irrational suspicion. And there you have the perfect recipe for a slow and painful death of a relationship.

    Giving into the anxiety (doing things you normally wouldn't do to please your partner, accepting behavior that is not in line with your boundaries, seeking reassurance etc) will only reinforce it, because it gives you temporarily relief and your partner is still there. Facing your anxiety will be a temporarily disaster because there is no relief, no reassurance, and your partner may be upset and leave you as a result. Always choose disaster over relief, and you'll be fine.:wink:
     
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  8. Ceara Forest

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    Hey there! I kind of understand the position you're in. I know what it feels like to have someone you love sleep with someone else (it's pure pain) and I know that it can affect the way you think about relationships and sex. Well, maybe not sex in your case. I think one of the most important things is don't accuse her of anything if you don't have any proof she's untrustworthy. But also, I think the best thing you can do is make sure you two are communicating a lot. If you are talking to her a lot and are a kind person and she is guilty of something, probably her conscious will let it slip at some point. And if not, you have nothing to worry about and you'll feel less anxious over time. At least, those are my thoughts. Hope you feel better about everything soon :)
     
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