How has the death of a parent affected your relationships?

[Artemisia]

I'm curious to hear the opinions of others who have been on the same boat. Over 2 years ago, my dad (with whom I was very close) passed away at the age of 64 after a short illness. My mom is now in her late 50s. I am an only child and I dealt with his passing with anger, which surprised me. I think it made me feel very insecure in relationships and I would lash out at the man I was dating for the slightest reasons, which needless to say, didn't end well although we are still cordial.

So, for those of you who have lost a parent, how did the loss affect your relationships? Were you single at the time? Were you in a relationship/married?
I realise that this is not a pleasant topic to discuss, but I am trying to figure out a few things about myself.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Single at the time. When my father passed away when I was 24, I felt sick, confused, disoriented. I felt weak as well, like a little kid again. The world took on a ominous feel. I worried greatly for my mother. I was always used to them together and well it just sucked.

When my mother died a few years later I felt heart broken. It was very quick. One day she was there, healthy and the next she had aged 20 years and well, it was bad.

In the end it changes you. It just does. It leaves holes that never get filled but that you learn to move around.

Today, I am getting closer each day to having been alive longer without them in my life then with them. Very sad really but, I dont think about them all the time anymore. You simply cant. You have to get on with your own life and live it.

Oh and there is fear associated with it as well. My parents had my back. When you lose that, you feel very alone. Very exposed. Its unpleasant until you learn how to move on.

 

[Sriracha]

Let's see ... 16 years ago my mother and her new husband of 2 weeks were both killed in a car accident. This occurred on a Saturday, I was notified on Monday b/c the only phone number the police could find to contact relatives was my stepfather's business card. That Monday I was also supposed to be in route to move across the country, as I was planning a wedding. The funeral was Saturday, and I moved the following Monday. Mr.S asked if I wanted to postpone the wedding. I told him that even though my mind was a blur, no I did not. We were married three months later.

I really get emotional even now thinking of how much Mr.S has had to endure with me. There are times I felt our marriage started on the wrong foot b/c I was dealing with grief and depression, but he stuck with me. Part of depression is not just sadness, but irritability, loss of sex drive, loss of interest in everything, tiredness, etc. I know it certainly wasn't fun for Mr.S to deal with. I don't think he knew how to console me, I don't know if it were possible anyway ... but he took his vows to me very seriously. That's an ISTJ for you. As much flack as ISTJs get on MBTI forums ... they can be the most devoted, dedicated and loyal spouses.

I think I was able to begin pulling away from my grief when our first child was born (5 years later), and that's mainly b/c I had no choice in the matter to redirect my focus on my son. For probably the last 5 years I feel like I've moved beyond all those stages of depression, anger, etc. I had to deal with it all on my own basically. You never get over losing a parent, you just have a different view of the experience. We're moving back to my home state very soon and I know discussing my mother with my sister and father is bound to happen ... almost like the final healing process since we all tucked it away and went on with life.

 

[Nixie]

My father died in February. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have every experienced., I still find myself crying at the oddest moments. Some flash of memory about him and I tear up. I am not in a relationship. I am normally emotionally distant, refusing to allow people close to me.

I have made some life changing decisions in the past few months since his death. I am quitting my job of 14 years and moving across the country to be closer to my mother and the rest of my siblings. I don't have a job lined up or even a plan other than going home.

My dad had a stroke last December. My sister and I made the harrowing drive across country to be home. By the time we drove to Oregon from Kansas, he was out of the hospital. We stayed for a few days and then it was another 3 day, in the middle of winter, across the Rocky Mountains drive back to Kansas. Little did my sister and I know that was our "goodbye". Dad had a massive heart attack in early February and died. Even though he was sick, we were all confident he was doing better, he had even gone back to work. His death felt very sudden and unexpected.

Honestly, I doubt I have processed it all. I do feel that the security I felt is gone. There is a massive hole inside, like [MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION] speaks of. I am focused on "action" at the moment....winding down at my job....then getting my household stuff sold and figuring out how to move what we want to keep...then settling in when we get to Portland. This "busy" work had kept the full brunt of grief from overwhelming me but I know I have to deal with the loss. I think those of us left behind are lucky in one sense that the business of life keeps us moving forward. I think you just have to be AWARE that the grief is there and allow yourself to experience it...rather than stubbornly pushing it away...shying away from the pain.

Native custom allows for a year and four days to grieve. After that time you are expected to put your grief away. It dishonors the fallen and the memory of their lives to hold onto your pain selfishly. The dead cannot rest if your pain and grief tie them to you. They have earned the right to move on by living their lives and it is only right that you let them go. I have my year.

 

[Artemisia]

My problem was that I became involved with someone a few months after my father passed away. Our relationship was wrong for many reasons and started on the wrong foot. It lasted on and off for a year, but looking back I was very needy for his presence, although not clingy. I think I deflected a lot of my depression and anger over my dad's loss to him, which ruined the relationship.