How do you use extraverted feeling? How do you experience it? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

How do you use extraverted feeling? How do you experience it?

Fe is quite tricky because of the Ti since it can become a self-sacrificing function. It can also make one bitter if the Harmony one has strived for it not respected. It can take many turns if the mind is not stable..

I have found that once I started working with my Se, the Ti has become less important and more quiet. The self-limiting barriers most of us carry with us are slowly becoming more and more loose. This enable me to be more spontaneous and welcoming. Instead of using Fe as a tool to fix and fixate things, I use it to create openness. There is no need to control outer circumstances to achieve balance. The balance begins within and is expressed effortlessly everywhere. Kind of “coming out of the shell” I guess.

I no longer feel responsible for maintaining harmony. I am more in tune with myself and this is felt naturally by everyone I meet. People are at ease as I meet them, not that I try to do this but simply because I reflect the calmness I experience within. People are telling me all the time how peaceful and joyful they perceive me.
 
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TheFool said:
Fe is quite tricky because of the Ti since it can become a self-sacrificing function. It can also make one bitter if the Harmony one has strived for it not respected. It can take many turns if the mind is not stable..

I have found that once I started working with my Se, the Ti has become less important and more quiet. The self-limiting barriers most of us carry with us are slowly becoming more and more loose. This enable me to be more spontaneous and welcoming. Instead of using Fe as a tool to fix and fixate things, I use it to create openness. There is no need to control outer circumstances to achieve balance. The balance begins within and is expressed effortlessly everywhere. Kind of “coming out of the shell” I guess.

I no longer feel responsible for maintaining harmony. I am more in tune with myself and this is felt naturally by everyone I meet. People are at ease as I meet them, not that I try to do this but simply because I reflect the calmness I experience within. People are telling me all the time how peaceful and joyful they perceive me.
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:)
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John K said:
I think this is a very good example of Salt Nurture, combined with Sour Spite which sustains a problem in someone else in order to balance a problem in your own ego - it's a touch vampiric. But let's be honest - many examples of nurturing are going to be mixed. A professional counsellor will hopefully be motivated by the desire to help others through their personal difficulties, and this may involve some challenges and initial out of comfort zone experience for the patient, so we are in the Nurture Zone. But the counsellor is also making a living out of this, and probably wouldn't be involved if there was no income from it, so there is Exploitation here as well - of a good sort.
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True, human relationships have that inherent complexity irrespective of Fe or Fi dynamics. And alienated forms of political economy do not help matters.
 
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I don’t know. Fe is kind of magical. Feel like it’s the most ‘human’ of functions

I don’t have much of it—it just sort of lurks in the background

There is an element of it that says bend or break rules for the sake of compassion knowing it’s against what you really believe in. But again, that’s what it means to be human

It’s what brings the idealist out in me

Honestly, I rarely use it unless someone or something has touched it. Or it’s a way to pop charisma into an otherwise dry or analytical context
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
I don’t know. Fe is kind of magical. Feel like it’s the most ‘human’ of functions

I don’t have much of it—it just sort of lurks in the background

There is an element of it that says bend or break rules for the sake of compassion knowing it’s against what you really believe in. But again, that’s what it means to be human

It’s what brings the idealist out in me

Honestly, I rarely use it unless someone or something has touched it. Or it’s a way to pop charisma into an otherwise dry or analytical context
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I've heard people say that they have received the most amazing Fe from INTPs - because it's your inferior, it can come straight from the unconscious heart. It may not be refined, but it can be absolutely warm and completely authentic.
 
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John K said:
I've heard people say that they have received the most amazing Fe from INTPs - because it's your inferior, it can come straight from the unconscious heart. It may not be refined, but it can be absolutely warm and completely authentic.
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Yeah, it’s like a pure Fe bomb

So awesome when it happens—straight tremors

I delivered an Fe bomb once to my boss as I was leaving a company. I remembered he told a story about hiking as a Boy Scout, and he had a big copy of Anna Karina in his backpack

So I bought Anna Karina and told him why I did and said I got the paperback version because I didn’t want it to weigh him down

He melted. It’s just like pure I was in your shoes, man

Ironically enough, I shared that Fe bomb story (just something that happened during my day) with an INFJ I was pursuing and ended up dating

She paused to absorb it, and then it hit her so hard she gasped, reached, grabbed and squeezed my hand. We made out for the first time

Fucking Fe electric

Like oh my god I FELT that
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
1) The Selfish Coward
This guy was an assistant principal in my school, and a nice man on the whole. I think he was something like xxFJ. However, his inability to challenge the principal or cause any kind of fuss meant that he pushed through illegal policies and facilitated the fraud of the academy trust CEO, to keep his cushy job. He ran from confrontation as a deflection tactic, asking people to 'talk with him after' whatever meeting we were in. I hate this terminology, but he was a classic 'beta orbiter'; a disgustingly servile creature sucking the cock of evil to fill his belly with its filthy lucre. In his case, 'Fe' was used to deflect resistance and ensure compliance; a mask of 'professionalism' used to obscure literal illegality. Fe has this tendency to normalise really bad shit if it seems to be socially acceptable, and so there were a lot of 'Fe users' in my school who engaged in toxic behaviours because it had this quality of the 'normal'.
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Out of curiosity, what was the type of the principal who handed down those illegal orders...
 
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John K said:
How do you understand and use extraverted feeling? What is it like to be on the receiving end of Fe?

I had a lot of problems understanding the functions when I was trying to establish my type. I think one of the things that confused me was the way Fe is equated with ‘Harmony’ in many of the sources. While catchwords like this are powerful hooks that give a vivid mental image of something abstract, they can also replace the fundamental meaning with a truncated and sanitised version of it.

I’m certainly happy that Harmony is an aspect of Fe, but surely it’s not all of it? I’d like to move away from the idea that Fe is only a good, nice function, and accept that it can be used for good or ill judgements, just like extraverted thinking. It’s hard to go against such a powerful meme though - so I’ve tried to crack it open by extending the catchword approach to 5 suggested types of Fe behaviour and mapping them onto the 5 different sorts of taste: Sweet, Salt, Savoury, Sour and Bitter. Of course, just as food can have a blend of these tastes, it seems to me that Fe can be a blend too - sweet and sour, salty savoury, etc.

Let me know what you think ……

View attachment 48840


SWEET HARMONY is the flavour we are all familiar with: It’s I love you, you are loveable. It’s when I want you to feel good. And it’s when you make me feel good. It's ... that was a great thing you did. It’s when I forgive you. It’s when you don’t like me, but you still want good things for me. It's when I can’t thank you enough, or when I will sacrifice a lot to make you happy. It’s let’s find a way to sort this out. It’s well done! ... It’s how awful! I’m here for you .... or how pleased I am that things have worked out so well for you.

SALTY NURTURE is the Fe that cares for people’s development: education, social skills, safety, health, spiritual growth. It’s the parent that removes a dangerous object from a child, or teaches them to share. It's the teacher who challenges misbehaviour, poor attitude. It’s a coach that pushes an athlete beyond the pain barrier in training, the manager that deliberately places a promising member of staff outside their comfort zone so they will develop. It’s the friend who challenges us when we are doing something wrong.

SAVOURY EXPLOITATION covers a range of possibilities that run from gaining advantage through to taking advantage for an ulterior purpose. It’s the advert that says ‘buy me and you will be happy – everyone else is doing it’. It’s the politician or clergyman glad-handing, their eyes already shifting over your shoulder to the next person while their smile is still pointed at you. It’s when you mother insists you can’t have a quiet wedding because the family wants a big one. It’s when you are buying a car and you make friends with the salesman, so you and he are all nice guys and he gives you a bigger discount. It’s please fix this problem - I’m pretty upset and annoyed about it.

SOUR SPITE is the Fe that tailgates you because you are in my way and I want you to go faster or get out of my way. It’s when you boost your self esteem by making me feel inadequate. It’s when I don’t like you and want you to know it because that gives me a kick. It’s when I want to control you for your own good - I love you, why don’t you do what I want. Or trust me - I want to scam you. Or, I need you to remain vulnerable because that feeds my feeling of self-worth

BITTER DISCORD is the polar opposite of Harmony. It’s hate - I wish you harm. It’s destroying your ex-partners possessions after a break-up. It’s when I enjoy hurting you and making you despise yourself. It’s when they aren’t like us, they are different, rubbish, dangerous. Or, it’s when I will sacrifice a lot to harm you. Or again, it’s when I am unforgiveable / I can never forgive you. And it’s when revenge is sweet. It's when I make you obey me by compelling you with fear and pain.
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This is all me. How do you know me so well?
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
I memed it up...
View attachment 48879
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Accurate. I have this notion that my biggest mistakes in life were when I used Fe and I couldn't control it.

Ewe you're making me recall a disgusting story that I particularly hate about myself but here goes.

When I was 10, I was roller skating with my neighborhood buddies when this girl older than I am, 11, I think was flashing her new pink skates. Meanwhile, I had to menacingly borrow min because my mother always dissuaded and disallowed me from physical games that involved a certain amount of danger - bicycles and roller skates included. Suffice to say I was deeply envious of this girl and her new pink skates. Also, her mom is always with her and my mom is always at the office. She is also particularly flirty -- at 11, she would always find a way to watch community basketball games in short shorts and ribbons in her hair to cheer boisterously for her crush. I stayed patient but the skate thing really annoyed me.

So that afternoon, I said we should race while I was using borrowed skates. I lost. She was faster and argh. I got so angry I threw my helmet on the road and screamed at her. I said she is such a flirt and I told her she was stupid (and so many other hurtful things). Of course she was crying, and then I walked out and screamed crazy and went back into our house slamming doors. Lol (i'm not proud but I have to laugh at myself to forgive myself)

I went out later in the afternoon to return the skates to the owner and to apologize to her. I said I missed my mum too much but I couldn't admit to my jealousy. She said it was okay but after that I didn't speak to her for a year. We are still not good friends. Lol.

Sorry, world, Lord, neighbor.
 
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MINFJToothFairy said:
This is all me. How do you know me so well?
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Glad you approved of my thoughts on this. When I wrote it I was worried that I was way out of line with how others saw Fe. It took a rather big opening post to express it lol. I think that the Harmony thing gives a distorted view of Feeling.

MINFJToothFairy said:
Accurate. I have this notion that my biggest mistakes in life were when I used Fe and I couldn't control it.

Ewe you're making me recall a disgusting story that I particularly hate about myself but here goes.

When I was 10, I was roller skating with my neighborhood buddies when this girl older than I am, 11, I think was flashing her new pink skates. Meanwhile, I had to menacingly borrow min because my mother always dissuaded and disallowed me from physical games that involved a certain amount of danger - bicycles and roller skates included. Suffice to say I was deeply envious of this girl and her new pink skates. Also, her mom is always with her and my mom is always at the office. She is also particularly flirty -- at 11, she would always find a way to watch community basketball games in short shorts and ribbons in her hair to cheer boisterously for her crush. I stayed patient but the skate thing really annoyed me.

So that afternoon, I said we should race while I was using borrowed skates. I lost. She was faster and argh. I got so angry I threw my helmet on the road and screamed at her. I said she is such a flirt and I told her she was stupid (and so many other hurtful things). Of course she was crying, and then I walked out and screamed crazy and went back into our house slamming doors. Lol (i'm not proud but I have to laugh at myself to forgive myself)

I went out later in the afternoon to return the skates to the owner and to apologize to her. I said I missed my mum too much but I couldn't admit to my jealousy. She said it was okay but after that I didn't speak to her for a year. We are still not good friends. Lol.

Sorry, world, Lord, neighbor.
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This is how we learn a lot of the time. Like a small child learning to talk, we go by trial and error. You learnt a lot out of this. Your friend probably did too. You know ... insecurities push us to seek affirmation. She learns that behaving in a particular way gets her some great attention and approval. She learned the hard way that the very same behaviour can have the opposite effect. In a way, this is like a small child learning to walk and having a few tumbles, but we were too young to remember those of course.

I don’t know if it’s a type thing, but I’ve got several of these guilt tape recordings in my Si/Fi that sometimes play on repeat in the small hours :( :D
 
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