how do you handle people's lack of empathy?

[NK278]

I find people by and large aren't very empathetic. I myself at times as well. However, I notice that the majority of those who are empathetic are those detached from the person. It's easy to extend empathy to strangers. But when it's someone who knows all your flaws, they tend to frame you rigidly as opposed to seeing you as a person anymore and emphasizing with the DETAILS within the larger picture as opposed to seeing only the bigger picture full of their very own filter. It feels cruel and unnecessarily arrogant.

I read a book recently called "just listen" and it's good in conjunction towards enneagram I felt because the enneagram tool is so good at shedding your biases and bringing attention toward blind spots, that it's complimentary in that it improves communication from a healthier stand point. Interestingly enough they had a chapter about self bias (easily translatable toward enneagram material) and it made me all the more keenly aware of people's incapacity towards empathy. I'm very optimistic despite the current circumstances and overwhelming moods (which considering the bigger picture is reasonable) and yet, I'm struggling to emphasize with people's criticism and rigidity in thought towards my behavior and thought process. They dismiss my person as irrational or unstable when it's really their filter which appears arrogant but I know at heart they're not arrogant or cruel. This applies to a handful of people who know me personally including one of my parents. It's just making the process I'm going through harder.

I'm terribly sensitive to it. And I'm trying to emphasize by imagining what it's like to lack or not have as strong an EQ, which is really something I've researched and worked for over the years. This in itself challenges my EQ. To be more kind, compassionate and understanding that they can't understand, relate and that they're doing what comes natural to prevent uncomfortable feelings within themselves. It's sort of ironic. Anyways ... how do you strengthen (?) Or be more understanding of people's lack of empathy?

I'll always be a sensitive person but it would be terribly counter intuitive to allow another's unintentional ignorance to push me back towards an avoidance stance. The irony is that my attempts at overcoming my avoidant behavior is criticized and I'm fighting the urge to go back to being afraid and hiding my emotions, closing up. Any thoughts or suggestions? Can you relate or understand what I'm trying to say?

 

[Gaze]

I was/am someone who is emotionally sensitive, and I've experienced similar effects when trying to be responsive to someone else's lack of empathy. I am not sure if there is a right answer. I've had to grow a thick skin to help myself handle how intensely things affect me and how I feel. I've also become more separated from how others feel. I don't leave as much room for anyone to hurt me as much as because I don't expect things such as understanding or appreciation of these aspects anymore. I'm learning to live and leave others to their own ideas. I don't imagine I can change how people think so I've learned more recently to accept people as they are. People are not going to care because we want them to. That's all too often a losing battle. The more you fight against or resist how people are, including their lack of empathy, and realize they may never change to be who you want them be, the more time you can spend on working on changing aspects you want to change for your own sake while developing connections with people who do have the empathy you seek. The more you try to change yourself to make people like you by trying to improve for their sake, the more they will want or expect from you without making any changes themselves. That's not fair to you. So, if you make any changes, do it for you, and no one else because many may never understand, accept, or appreciate it.

 

[NK278]

elaborating because I want to clarify the point preemptivly (why would strangers be more empathic than people you know).

I have seriously met people who listen to my history and will empathize. interestingly enough, they are the very people who judge me as emotionally unstable in the current. It's ironic. also, my one parent has always been like this. And furthermore, I find, throughout the years as I grow as a person, people do not like it. because it challenges their position to me. As I grow I've practiced healthier modes of being (for example) and the people around me don't like it because then that means they have to take responsibility for their own emotions in relation to me. I can't be blamed if I'm taking care of my issues.

Quite honestly. I've never had anyone who gets too close to me be able to keep up with me as I grow. They lose interest. I'm too difficult. It's too challenging. If I'm passive and then grow, they being passive no longer hold me in high esteem but rather resent or hate me etc. Dismiss my logical thought (as I'm emotional in nature) as I'm "crazy". Which is the trend. It's disheartening. Also, it's ironic. The very process of me getting healthier and growing more, delving deeper into the issues that create my inconsistent behavior (avoidant tendencies etc.) is judged, criticized, frowned upon. I'm the one who seems to be the idiot who couldn't understand things as they were. Which is ironic. because .....

For every time you point a finger at someone, there is 4 pointing back to you.

So when I'm being pointed at and judged and criticized, (and my propensity to read people very deeply and well), I am fighting the urge to be angry or cynical and judge back because that would only impeded the process of "coming out of my shell" (?). It would bounce me back to where I was. Afraid to navigate the world vulnerably.


My intention is to gain additional personal(ish) perspective in addition to all the outside sources (other than hard concrete materials such as books) to assimilate everything I'm learning, and to have the courage (?) maybe to keep moving forward.

I just don't want it to prevent me from going in the direction my intuition knows is healthy and best (for me). I need to figure out how not to be so sensitive in order to be more understanding for the types of people who seem to have great difficulty dealing with the abstract (and/or details of life they consider inconsequential).

Does that make sense ?


This is probably super confusing to everyone but me. HA! ... anyways. I'm asking nonetheless. I hope this makes sense to someone.

 

[NK278]

I was/am someone who is emotionally sensitive, and I've experienced similar effects when trying to be responsive to someone else's lack of empathy. I am not sure if there is a right answer. I've had to grow a thick skin to help myself handle how intensely things affect me and how I feel. I've also become more separated from how others feel. I don't leave as much room for anyone to hurt me as much as because I don't expect things such as understanding or appreciation of these aspects anymore. I'm learning to live and leave others to their own ideas. I don't imagine I can change how people think so I've learned more recently to accept people as they are. People are not going to care because we want them to. That's all too often a losing battle. The more you fight against or resist how people are, including their lack of empathy, and realize they may never change to be who you want them be, the more time you can spend on working on changing aspects you want to change for your own sake while developing connections with people who do have the empathy you seek. The more you try to change yourself to make people like you by trying to improve for their sake, the more they will want or expect from you without making any changes themselves. That's not fair to you. So, if you make any changes, do it for you, and no one else because many may never understand, accept, or appreciate it.

I'm not changing myself for anyone. That's the thing. I always inevitably change for me in a healthy and positive direction. Just that over time, it feels terrible and difficult to have faith in other people's capacity to grow. I'm constantly growing. And I don't want to be constantly growing THROUGH people. I'm trying to figure out to have more empathy, for those who lack it or otherwise, in order to not be a god damn vagabond. haha!

I suppose it's confusing and difficult to wrap my mind around not caring. and I want to keep moving forward not afraid to be vulnerable. But when the process to get their is harshly judged, and one person is a parent mind you, it's so hard. I guess I got to push through it.

I wish it was super easy like picturing people naked in order to give a speech! haha. ya know what I mean ?

 

[say what]

I'm also someone who is extremely sensitive...and I get really hurt when my closest confidants don't seem to understand this, or show empathy for me. This almost hurts more than the emotional situation. I think it's because I am way too sensitive to what other people are feeling. Typically, if someone I know or care about is hurt or upset, I feel that as well...and thys I expect them to experience the same thing when I'm upset- but it doesn't happen.

I'm still learning to understand that people respond to others emotions differently than me. My mom gets angry and upset when I come to her hurt- I then interpret this as her being angry at me, but that's not the case...she's just hurt that I'm hurt. I sometimes think that this might be why different personalities misunderstand others' emotions.

I'm not sure how to help you, other than what [MENTION=1669]Framed[/MENTION] has said- try and grow a tougher skin. This has helped me a lot...but I think it'll be something INFJs deal with all their lives- it's a weakness but also a strength.

 

[LucyJr]

elaborating because I want to clarify the point preemptivly (why would strangers be more empathic than people you know).

I have seriously met people who listen to my history and will empathize. interestingly enough, they are the very people who judge me as emotionally unstable in the current. It's ironic. also, my one parent has always been like this. And furthermore, I find, throughout the years as I grow as a person, people do not like it. because it challenges their position to me. As I grow I've practiced healthier modes of being (for example) and the people around me don't like it because then that means they have to take responsibility for their own emotions in relation to me. I can't be blamed if I'm taking care of my issues.

Quite honestly. I've never had anyone who gets too close to me be able to keep up with me as I grow. They lose interest. I'm too difficult. It's too challenging. If I'm passive and then grow, they being passive no longer hold me in high esteem but rather resent or hate me etc. Dismiss my logical thought (as I'm emotional in nature) as I'm "crazy". Which is the trend. It's disheartening. Also, it's ironic. The very process of me getting healthier and growing more, delving deeper into the issues that create my inconsistent behavior (avoidant tendencies etc.) is judged, criticized, frowned upon. I'm the one who seems to be the idiot who couldn't understand things as they were. Which is ironic. because .....

For every time you point a finger at someone, there is 4 pointing back to you.

So when I'm being pointed at and judged and criticized, (and my propensity to read people very deeply and well), I am fighting the urge to be angry or cynical and judge back because that would only impeded the process of "coming out of my shell" (?). It would bounce me back to where I was. Afraid to navigate the world vulnerably.


My intention is to gain additional personal(ish) perspective in addition to all the outside sources (other than hard concrete materials such as books) to assimilate everything I'm learning, and to have the courage (?) maybe to keep moving forward.

I just don't want it to prevent me from going in the direction my intuition knows is healthy and best (for me). I need to figure out how not to be so sensitive in order to be more understanding for the types of people who seem to have great difficulty dealing with the abstract (and/or details of life they consider inconsequential).

Does that make sense ?


This is probably super confusing to everyone but me. HA! ... anyways. I'm asking nonetheless. I hope this makes sense to someone.

There is nothing wrong with sensitivity. I think people who are sensitive just have to learn to be more mature with their sensitivity, to know how to handle it.
Have you tried to read some books on this? If so, I'm curious what are these books?
I recommend the classics. There is just so much precious knowledge in the classics, yet so many people pass by them.

 

[NK278]

I'm also someone who is extremely sensitive...and I get really hurt when my closest confidants don't seem to understand this, or show empathy for me. This almost hurts more than the emotional situation. I think it's because I am way too sensitive to what other people are feeling. Typically, if someone I know or care about is hurt or upset, I feel that as well...and thys I expect them to experience the same thing when I'm upset- but it doesn't happen.

I'm still learning to understand that people respond to others emotions differently than me. My mom gets angry and upset when I come to her hurt- I then interpret this as her being angry at me, but that's not the case...she's just hurt that I'm hurt. I sometimes think that this might be why different personalities misunderstand others' emotions.

I'm not sure how to help you, other than what [MENTION=1669]Framed[/MENTION] has said- try and grow a tougher skin. This has helped me a lot...but I think it'll be something INFJs deal with all their lives- it's a weakness but also a strength.

growing a "tougher" skin is what has kept me from developing relationships with emotionally available people. It's part of the problem. The trick is to develop some sort of internal strength - not another exterior ego shell of defenses. I need to learn not to be afraid of people and in the very process, many people are quite closed minded and it's hurtful.

Although, I suppose maybe it is what it is and has been for a long time. I tend to outgrow people. I'm not judging them. I understand. I just wish I could find a happy medium but I can't I suppose. It's the superficial relationships I'm unable to carry on. Maybe that is the happy medium. But that's hard. because it's like, how to you be friends with an alcoholic or someone who habitually destroys themselves internally etc. I can't do that. I know so many people who will say, "just enjoy them for their positive attributes". But, they're hurting and I know it. But it's not my job to help so I walk away. but that's sad. And then what ?? Am I only left to date psychologists who can keep up in their mind. I'm very cerebral yet very emotional. And it's just really cumbersome for most poeple to digest my way of being. I only grow up in a healthy direction. even my mom. It's sick. It's like I'm her mom. And so many people, they sit their from a position of a "thinker" type or what have you, and it's just like, "DUDE. don't call the kettle black". Ya know ... It it's that rrrr 8 in me. that wants to punch them in the face. and be like, wtf! give me a break. I'm not sitting there judging you! but ironically I AM! because I am judging them for their ignorant judging. AHHHH! haha! It's so stupid. I hate my human-ness. I wish I were a cerebral blob that hovered in the air like in futurama.

 

[NK278]

There is nothing wrong with sensitivity. I think people who are sensitive just have to learn to be more mature with their sensitivity, to know how to handle it.
Have you tried to read some books on this? If so, I'm curious what are these books?
I recommend the classics. There is just so much precious knowledge in the classics, yet so many people pass by them.

okay. I see that. handle my sensitivity more maturely. And this is why men tend to sum up my rambling in 10 words or less. LOL! >.<


What classics. I haven't read any non fiction classics. But I do like the classics but I must say I haven't read THAT many.
Which ones are you alluding to ?

 

[LucyJr]

okay. I see that. handle my sensitivity more maturely. And this is why men tend to sum up my rambling in 10 words or less. LOL! >.<

Hey, I'm sory for that... I didn't wanted to sound that way
Allow me to explain.
I am a INFJ, just like you. I too was a very sensitive boy growing up, really sensitive to any kind of criticism. I was crying very easily, self-pity myself, but this is only the negative part of it.

But on the other hand, I ALWAYS knew I was in this respect much more mature than my peers. I was more patient, understanding, responsable. This is the positive part of it. Yes, paradoxiaclly, I was a whiny and still mature person.

So, while some people were mature in the sense that they were not sensitive to criticism, not whiny and easily crying, they were not dependent on "mama" (metaphorically speaking), I was more mature in the other sense, I was a very empathetic person, able to maturely understand people and their emotional problems, to offer good advice and so on.
In fact, believe me or not, I was very proud of myself that I can understand so easlily people, and I was thinking about people who can't do that as immature, just like they were consider me as immature for being overly sensitive.

And I underly this because I think is very important that we should know our strenghts and our weaknesses.
If I'm aware only of my weaknesses, and I don't know my strenghts, than I'll end up feeling completly a useless person. That's why is very good to understand my strengths, in order so I can succesfully deal with my weaknesses. If I don't know my strenghts, I will be very complexed by my weak parts ( and people will always "help" me to remind myself that). So its very important to understand and be proud of my natural strenghts.
I can tell you that after years of reading and practice, I handle effortlessly any kind of criticism. I am a rock in this aspect right know. And I'm still working on this. I want to be as good as a ESTJ with regard to this aspect.

And I also want to tell that all people can be sensitive. Yes, this is very true. But they don't want to do this. Just read Enneagram 8s, they got it very good. They say that 8s don't want to appear as empathetic or vulnerable and emotional, because they are afraid, they have a big fear in this respect. So what does that tells us??? Just think about it, I think its obvious...

So I think being mature is working on both parts...being sensitive to other people, and not being sensitive to criticism and to conflict on the other side. For INFJs, the first part is a strenght, while the second one is a weakness. For other people, its the other way around. So they have their own disadvantages, like INFJs too.

 

[say what]

growing a "tougher" skin is what has kept me from developing relationships with emotionally available people. It's part of the problem. The trick is to develop some sort of internal strength - not another exterior ego shell of defenses. I need to learn not to be afraid of people and in the very process, many people are quite closed minded and it's hurtful.

That's really interesting.....I never thought of that, but it makes sense. Ever since I've developed a thicker skin, I've noticed that I distance myself from people a lot more...it's like I didn't actually grow thick skin, I'm just extremely cautious of letting people in so that they don't hurt me.

...very interesting...hmm..

 

[Gaze]

growing a "tougher" skin is what has kept me from developing relationships with emotionally available people. It's part of the problem. The trick is to develop some sort of internal strength - not another exterior ego shell of defenses. I need to learn not to be afraid of people and in the very process, many people are quite closed minded and it's hurtful.

'

If what I proposed is something akin to a shell of defenses, I think it's misunderstood. I've been through almost all the pain and hurt you've experienced with this, and when I say I know how it feels, I know how it feels. I get it. It's not about being afraid of people and not opening up. It's about learning to be honest with yourself and realize when how we see things is not working out for us or is making our circumstances or people's attitudes or behaviors harder to accept. I realized I can only change myself. I can't control how other people feel or respond to me. I am responsible for myself, and no one else (unless I'm a parent or care giver). It's about realizing that many do not process emotions as we do as [MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] mentioned. It's better to be open with someone who truly is your emotional complement so to speak than someone with whom you can't reciprocate those feelings. Not everyone who is emotionally available is a right fit. It's not healthy especially for someone who is emotionally sensitive and eats up other people's energy to be open or accessible too easily even those who are emotionally available. Why? Because we absorb their emotions. One thing to realize about emotional sensitivity is that importance of establishing boundaries for yourself emotionally and socially or you'll get eaten up by everyone's feelings and emotions. It helps to figure how your needs, wants, and tolerance levels and start paying attention to the differences between the three. It also involves realizing when it's best to open up, how much, to whom, and why. Not everyone who is emotionally available is deserving of emotional honesty. What I've developed as a tough skin is not out of fear but out of necessity and honesty with myself about how things are vs. how I want them to be. Part of that internal strength comes from what makes you capable of going out into the world and not have everything that doesn't emotionally fit affect you personally. It's a skill and a process in learning how to think differently. You will need to figure out for yourself what will help you deal with those emotionally vulnerable areas to better guard against the hurt from how people perceive or respond to you or your sensitivity. Most of us who deal with this have dealt with it by finding what helps us manage our fears or inner conflicts with the outside world. For me, it started with being more honest with myself about who people are, accepting how I'm seen or perceived, and how I feel, and most importantly recognizing the difference between the three. I learned in the process that I owe no one explanations of for who or how I am. So, it's not about being afraid of people. It's about knowing that people are not there to be who we want them to be just as you are not here to be exactly who they want you to be. They are who they are. Not accepting that will make things tougher and harder to deal.

 

[NK278]

[MENTION=9401]LucyJr[/MENTION] I know I'm not "mature" because I never WILL be 100% mature until I'm dead. I'll always be growing. I just guess I'm sensitive to criticism and It feels sad. because, I've countless times will defend people (and point out how that everyone is immature and grows their maturity in different ways). I guess that sense of understanding doesn't feel reciprocated often times. Also, I am trying to have more courage. Actually ... this is the sick trend. I tend to be inspired by those attritbutes that draw me to people. So if I find someone very strong and couragous I will take that into myself and it will inspire growth. but often times, (and it happens time and time and time again, ever since grammar school) those very people don't really like it. Prime example was a person I was involved with for 2 years that kept encouraging me to come out of my shell and be more assertive and voice things, only that when I did, it set off a terrible stream of arguments and battles and it eventually got to the point where I had to say, "Dude. Grow up.". Then again, and again .. and it just feels like, I outgrow people. which is ironic. because they're the very people who inspire me to grow? but they never take in my attributes of being more loving and empathic or understanding and reflective or what have you. Or maybe they do, but they just don't extend it to me. anyways. OFF of that note. this applies to my one parent which is difficult. Over time, I grow, and I don't hold as much resentment or anger towards her indifference towards emotions. But at the same time, it's just hard. I just feel like life and the people in it are so hard on me. And I guess maybe this is self pity. But once again, when I wasn't feeling this way, I was really disregarding my feelings that were negative and I would "pretend" I was stronger than I actually was. Does this make sense ?

and I was just teasing about the 10 words or less thing. It's a quality I adore. I wasn't offended. I WISH I could speak more concisely!
It's just hard to get my thoughts out of my head sometimes.


[MENTION=1669]Framed[/MENTION] ...

I understand that. I do accept them for who they are. But it feels so sad that they don't accept me as I am. This is all kinda confusing. It's a terrible time for me right now. And I just don't want it all to discourage me. I really shouldn't care so much about people I admire. I guess your right. It's that 2 in me. I see all the good qualities in people I admire that the mean ones are harder to understand or deal with because they hurt my feelings. Which I don't want to pretend doesn't hurt anymore. Make sense?

I guess I'm being a baby. HAHAHA! Never Mind!

 

[Gaze]

@LucyJr I know I'm not "mature" because I never WILL be 100% mature until I'm dead. I'll always be growing. I just guess I'm sensitive to criticism and It feels sad. because, I've countless times will defend people (and point out how that everyone is immature and grows their maturity in different ways). I guess that sense of understanding doesn't feel reciprocated often times. Also, I am trying to have more courage. Actually ... this is the sick trend. I tend to be inspired by those attritbutes that draw me to people. So if I find someone very strong and couragous I will take that into myself and it will inspire growth. but often times, (and it happens time and time and time again, ever since grammar school) those very people don't really like it. Prime example was a person I was involved with for 2 years that kept encouraging me to come out of my shell and be more assertive and voice things, only that when I did, it set off a terrible stream of arguments and battles and it eventually got to the point where I had to say, "Dude. Grow up.". Then again, and again .. and it just feels like, I outgrow people. which is ironic. because they're the very people who inspire me to grow? but they never take in my attributes of being more loving and empathic or understanding and reflective or what have you. Or maybe they do, but they just don't extend it to me. anyways. OFF of that note. this applies to my one parent which is difficult. Over time, I grow, and I don't hold as much resentment or anger towards her indifference towards emotions. But at the same time, it's just hard. I just feel like life and the people in it are so hard on me. And I guess maybe this is self pity. But once again, when I wasn't feeling this way, I was really disregarding my feelings that were negative and I would "pretend" I was stronger than I actually was. Does this make sense ?

and I was just teasing about the 10 words or less thing. It's a quality I adore. I wasn't offended. I WISH I could speak more concisely!
It's just hard to get my thoughts out of my head sometimes.


@Framed ...

I understand that. I do accept them for who they are. But it feels so sad that they don't accept me as I am. This is all kinda confusing. It's a terrible time for me right now. And I just don't want it all to discourage me. I really shouldn't care so much about people I admire. I guess your right. It's that 2 in me. I see all the good qualities in people I admire that the mean ones are harder to understand or deal with because they hurt my feelings. Which I don't want to pretend doesn't hurt anymore. Make sense?

I guess I'm being a baby. HAHAHA! Never Mind!

No, you're not being a baby. Your feelings are understandable. I do think that you may want to start rethinking how you view people so that you're not as stressed as you are about their responses to you. What I meant by accepting people is learning to realize that they may not accept you as you are. It's a tough lesson but one that's freeing.

 

[NK278]

What I meant by accepting people is learning to realize that they may not accept you as you are.

.... yeah. I guess your right. ... thank you. <3

 

[rawr]

I lack empathy for the most part; how are you going to handle me?

 

[NK278]

I lack empathy for the most part; how are you going to handle me?

I guess I'm learning that I'm not going to handle people who can't handle me regardless of how much I admire them or what have you.

in the case of the people I can't avoid in my life such as family .. I'm gonna have to learn to not care if they don't accept me for me.

I like who I am and was every step of the way. I like my mistakes. I like me but I don't think it means I'm less to want someone to accept me for me.
Doesn't everyone want that ?

 

[Neurosis]

I don't think lack of empathy implies lack of acceptance. I accept everyone for who they are, it just doesn't mean that I necessarily empathize with them.

If people hold me in high regard and are upset that it's not a regard I find mutual, I'd say the onus is on them to not be so impressionable. I won't fake caring about someone for the sake of their feelings.

So my advice? Don't try and be friends with people like me in the first place.

 

[Gaze]

I like who I am and was every step of the way. I like my mistakes. I like me but I don't think it means I'm less to want someone to accept me for me.
Doesn't everyone want that ?

Yeah, most do but many don't necessarily think about whether people do or don't accept them. They simply live and do their thing. Being very sensitive has always been more of a negative than positive for me especially because I let it control and dictate who I was. That's why I feel the way I do now. This doesn't mean you have to look at things in this way. I think everyone has their way of making sense of things, and that's cool.

 

[sprinkles]

Empathy or sympathy? There's a difference you know.

 

[sprinkles]

I lack empathy for the most part; how are you going to handle me?

I don't know, maybe you don't need it. I think you're just awesome like that.

I can be flipping out and you're as cool as can be. Realizing that kind of shocked me awake earlier - some times I don't want everybody to feel everything. Because if they're all wrapped up then I don't have any cool customers like rawr is to kinda remind me to chill out.