How do you approach your significant other's weaknesses? | INFJ Forum

How do you approach your significant other's weaknesses?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Xx Dog Lover xX, Sep 18, 2019.

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  1. Xx Dog Lover xX

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    For example, if they're a bit too slobby: do you help them clean; educate them on cleaning; clean for them; pay someone to clean for them; overlook it; a combination, or something else?

    I'm curious how you approach something you believe needs improvement? Or if you'd address it at all
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    The only effective way is through humor. A lot of the time it's more about acceptance than force of will though.
     
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  3. Daustus

    Daustus Probably Real.

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    Its funny that you picked cleaning as your example, because I deal with what I current feel is a lack of tidiness. My wife will pull something out to use it and it'll stay at the place she leaves it until she needs it again. This sounds pretty small but it can skyrocket now that we have small kids. We've run out of clean dishes, I'll not be able to find tools, things will get lost or repurchased.

    My preference is to have a designated "home" for stuff and when you are done using it, the item returns to it's home. What we've done was agree on where we keep our stuff. This is truly a mutual agreement and we had discussions about highly shared spaced like bedrooms, bathrooms and the kitchen. When it starts to bother me I clean up after her.

    I have come to accept it. I realize that it only bothers me. In the grand scheme of things this is a small annoyance and really a me centered issue. My wife would live rather unaffected if I didn't have this preference. I've come up with a way to manage it that she agreed to that works for us. I think I started with talking about my preference for having physical organization, why it bothered me, and I suggested ideas to fix it.
     
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  4. OP
    Xx Dog Lover xX

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    I like that approach, @Wyote. Sometimes when I try to use humor to diffuse things I take it a little too far. Tuning how much is something I should work on.

    @Daustus I'm a relatively messy person, and it's bothered many of the people I've dated (I think I attract cleanfreaks). I've had people just clean/organize for me just for me to mess it up again within a couple of days. So that usually only happens once. My most recent relationship, I tried to clean up a bit more because of his allergies or him seeing things as fall hazards. I believed the allergies were bullshit, but he had me convinced enough to care a bit more
     
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  5. Daustus

    Daustus Probably Real.

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    I think where I start to lose my calm demeanor is when I find food, coffee or wine a month later. I'm a neat freak, I own it.
     
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  6. ThomasJ79

    ThomasJ79 Pondering

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    Divorce or separation is the only solution.
     
  7. ThomasJ79

    ThomasJ79 Pondering

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    I'm kidding!

    Focus picking up where the other is weak. Compromise, go off one another's strengths. Reciprocate, but don't keep score. If you need help with things ask, but don't demand. Sometimes you will just ended up doing things just because, as will they.
     
  8. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    It depends on the weakness. INFJs are masters at being non-confrontational. My SO has a few weaknesses I should be in his face about but I usually tip-toe around them unless it gets serious, or unless I have an opening when we can sit down and have an in-depth talk. I need to be able to give love and support if I'm going to say something critical, no matter how constructive I am trying to be.

    Our cleaning situation is weird because due to our current set-up I do most of the cleaning. Like @Daustus' wife, he is an INTJ. I'm not sure if it is a type thing, but he leaves stuff out like she does. I'm not OCD, but I want everything to have a place. It can be difficult to keep the house clean because he takes advantage and doesn't even put his clothes in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher. As a result, I insist we budget for purchases that will help organize the house or making cleaning faster and easier. I try to minimize our possessions and keep a house (as far as decor, etc) that is easier for me to keep clean and organized, too.
    We used to share chores 50/50 and we never had any issue with one or the other slacking, but he still liked to pile things up. Hahaha.
     
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  9. dragulagu

    dragulagu Permanent Fixture

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    Nothing like a good ol' scavenge hunt.
     
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  10. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    You need a dog. LOL!
     
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  11. Daustus

    Daustus Probably Real.

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    Yes. I miss my dogs. My Chihuahua passed away about 18 months ago and my irish terrier got aggressive with food and bit my son twice. Not serious either time, but we found him a loving home with no kiddos.

    They were my walking food detectives.
     
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  12. OP
    Xx Dog Lover xX

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    @Asa, in your husband's defense, it'd be a lot less annoying to put dishes in the dishwasher if the machine were designed differently, e.g., not having to drop the door to ankle level to get stuff in. Not to mention the water dripping the whole trip from the sink to the machine.

    Part of me could see how letting them all pile up at once then loading and running them all in one shot seems efficient. But that'd take away precious counter and sink space.

    I've recently got myself trained to stick my stuff in there immediately after use. Makes it so much easier.

    The not putting dirty clothes in the hamper thing-- I can't think of any excuse for that. Unless maybe the hamper is in a weird spot, like the closet... requiring him to open a door to put away his dirty clothes, instead of just the main task.

    The second option below is the one I'd pick. That's reasonable. Anything less is lazy and anything more is too many steps for dirty clothes!

    1. Clothes off (your husband's method?)

    Vs. Any of these:

    2. Clothes off > put clothes in hamper

    3. Clothes off > open closet door > put clothes in hamper

    Adding an extra step here for effect:

    4. Clothes off > open closet door > open hamper lid! > put clothes in hamper
     
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  13. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    @Xx Dog Lover xX (what are we calling you? Xdog?) Hahaha! Thank you. :)
    He has his own hamper in the bathroom he uses most. It's a tiny room and the hamper is within reach most of the time. He leaves the clothes on the counter, floor, and top of the hamper. The other hamper is in our bedroom.

    I just do a sweep daily and neaten up.
     
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  14. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Would not be with someone whose flaws drove me crazy or whose flaws I felt like needed dealing with or that I couldn't accept.
     
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    #14 acd, Sep 19, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
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  15. just me

    just me GONE

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    Boy are you missing out. Try one whose flaws come and go, change and increase, then back to quasi-normal.
     
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  16. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I prefer a stable and easy going life. :sweatsmile:
     
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    #16 acd, Sep 19, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
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  17. l4sc5_

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    accept people and a little understanding goes a long way. we all have different preferences, approaches and thresholds to how we think things should be
    • how much are they in your face about your imperfections?
    • do you want them in your face about your imperfections?
    • are you willing to change yours?
    • who died and made you the boss?
     
    #17 l4sc5_, Sep 19, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
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  18. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I agree that it won't work long-term if you're with someone whose flaws annoy you, or if you are "in your face" and bossy about their flaws. The old saying is true that you have to love the person's flaws. If you're spending a lifetime with someone things are going to come up, though. Everyone needs improvement and relationships need to stay balanced.
     
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  19. ThomasJ79

    ThomasJ79 Pondering

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    Good communication is a must. Ideally, you should be confident enough to effectively communicate your needs and expectations early in the relationship to avoid problems down the road. Some things we expect from a partner cannot be given or provided by the partner you are with, so make sure it is something that is possible, or reevaluate what your needs really are. Encourage them to find their core needs in the relationship. For example, if your partner is really messy and you end up cleaning up after them, is the issue really the clean house, the power dynamics, or something else? With power dynamics, often a clean house is only part of a wider relationship imbalance. Are you okay with this imbalance? Maybe your needs are to have more reciprocity, fairness, and equality between people. Some people prefer and enjoy dominant/submissive relationships and power struggles.

    If one or both of the partners shut down and don't communicate, the relationship is in trouble. So if there is an issue, open up the dialogue. Make the expectations reasonable though, don't project what matters to you on other people. For example, it is one thing for someone to pick up after themselves and help with chores, it is another thing to expect a spotlessly clean house everyday.

    Talk, talk, talk. Listen. Be heard.
     
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  20. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I guess I just accept weaknesses or prefer to let the other person do their own self improvement. I wouldn't be with someone I had to nag or beg to change. People have flaws and things develop and you can choose to accept it because you love the person. But I'm thinking of the big stuff when it comes to weaknesses-- spending problems,drug and alcohol problems, infidelity, gambling, etc. I couldn't accept any of that and wouldn't give it a place in my life. You guys might think it's selfish but I'm just being real in that I won't let my partner's or anyone's weaknesses drag me down. I don't think the onus is on one party to overcome issues or to make the other person fix them. If the relationship matters just as much to either party they won't get engaged in any of that. I'm not thinking about someone who is a little messy. I think when it comes to chores both people should be ready to split tasks. My husband takes care of the stuff I'm no good at or don't like to do and I cover the stuff he doesn't like to do.
     
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