Helping others: Has it ever strained other relationships?

G.Kai

G.Kai

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
I've had problems with this all my life. I can get so involved in helping a sick or emotionally injured friend, it hurts my other relationships. It's not that I feel guilty for saying no, but when people come to me for help, I feel a strong pull to help that person with my time, money, or whatever else I have. Gets me into trouble sometimes. Anyone here ever go past "normal limits" to help another person?
 
... yes ...

I hate saying that! The reason why is because it's usually for someone who uses and manipulates me . . . and I am aware of it . . . and I seem to be unable to say no . . . and my friends who care get especially p/o'd (which doesn't help. I'm stubborn)

I know they care, but I truly resent being told that I am wrong with such little attempt at tactful decorum, and I also don't want to be seen as someone who mindlessly agrees with others and takes orders at will (I am a free person! can you tell this is still an issue?!)
 
These days I have a need for selfishness that I'm not always comfortable with, but I had problems in the past putting anyone else's need ahead of myself and I guess this is just a natural reaction - I need to take care of myself first, to be then available to help others who genuinely need me.
 
Shaz said:
These days I have a need for selfishness that I'm not always comfortable with, but I had problems in the past putting anyone else's need ahead of myself and I guess this is just a natural reaction - I need to take care of myself first, to be then available to help others who genuinely need me.
Click to expand...

Which is why i recently told a good friend of mine that she needed to move out . . . and can no longer care for either of us without being able to recharge myself. While she, ENTJ, lives with me, I cannot do this. But I'm in grief, too. 'cause she doesn't get that I'm not angry . . . and I can't get a word in . .
 
Kwistalline said:
Which is why i recently told a good friend of mine that she needed to move out . . . and can no longer care for either of us without being able to recharge myself. While she, ENTJ, lives with me, I cannot do this. But I'm in grief, too. 'cause she doesn't get that I'm not angry . . . and I can't get a word in . .
Click to expand...

:hug:

Learning to say "No" has been hard yet worthwhile in my life. I need to stick to it though--after the initial no, I tend to cave when someone presents me with another task.
 
Kwistalline said:
Which is why i recently told a good friend of mine that she needed to move out . . . and can no longer care for either of us without being able to recharge myself. While she, ENTJ, lives with me, I cannot do this. But I'm in grief, too. 'cause she doesn't get that I'm not angry . . . and I can't get a word in . .
Click to expand...

Situations like this are hard because people refuse to understand and it's like they prefer to misunderstand. Good for you for sticking with it even though it must be rough.
 
I can relate to all of you on this thread.
When I worked at the old folks home I'd help anyone without question. Some were the manipulative sort and I knew that but ... so what? The other workers there would laugh at me and call me naieve sometimes. They'd say, "X is just using you, you know!" yeah and what's your point? Should we only help those that pass our seal of approval? Sometimes I'd be warned about certain residents - "oooh watch out for her or him. She/he is mean and cold and awful." There were many times that over time I would get to see the person under the cold exterior and those were amazing experiences. And you can't tell anyone because they've made up their minds about the person and won't change it. People have often gotten mad at me for giving attention to people they don't think deserve it but it's only because they haven't been able to see underneath.
 
Yeah, a few years ago I felt the need to just GO OUT THERE and help other people, I analysed the world and figured that the place people most needed my help was in western africa, so in order to save money I made myself a balloon out of satin and gave it horizontal wings and flew over there. My fiance of 3 months thought it was a good idea and that it would strengthen our relationship.

I spent 4 months there helping out in TB clinics, and tracking down families of people who had been kidnapped by the slave traders around diamond mines, it cost me the sporadic use of my left hand, and I have a scar up my right side. Emma was scared for me and thought that I ought to come home... No. I'd decided that the best I could ever do in my life would be to eradicate the diamond trade at its genocidal source. I spent my life savings hiring a band of mercenaries and slaughtering the guards at a few of the major camps, and reunited the families. Emmers thought that crossing the line into murder was as far as she could take, and even though we were perfect for each other she left me.

I don't think I can love anyone ever again, she was perfect and on some nights when I'm all alone staring at the moons reflection over the ocean I think of her and her beauty. My soul has shrivelled inside, but I still think I was doing what was best. :'(
 
You truly are awesomatic!
 
If you do something for anyone you need to realise that you should not be expecting anything in return. By doing that you are actually helping and not looking for others to repay you in some way. Learning to see the abusers in life will help you avoid them in the future. I have been used and I have been the user. It's a two way street. But I don't really like to be either. So I just avoid most people now because I don't have the time to help everybody.
 
I have experienced that a few Times in the Past. But I think I fixed it. Because mostly I am caring about my own Stuff. My so called Friends just never gave ANTHING back to me, not even a Thank you. And then when I wanted some Time for myself somewhen, because I have been babysitting them for Months in a Row they would get angry at me. Way to go.
Oh and it was also always very nice if they would phone me like 24/7, even when I was freaking sleeping, just to talk to me about their "soooo bad Problem", which we mostly already talked about like 10565657089 Times and where I already suggested Tons of Solutions. So yeah, awesome. =P

And ooof Course somewhen some Individuals started to go all "You have never Time for me". Uh...yeah. I have just been listening to you for 7 Months in a Row each Day for what? 5 Hours? But sure, you are right. Duh. O_o
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top