Help with ENFP | INFJ Forum

Help with ENFP

Svitkona

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Jul 5, 2017
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I have an ENFP friend (19) and I am an INFJ (39). She is in a wild and rebellious stage, and I am actually quite worried she may make some life choices that could seriously impact her future. How do I get her to open up to me, and also, how do I communicate my concern without make her think I am judging her or trying to be her mom? I want to try and guide her but not sure she will appreciate my "guidance".
 
It's may be difficult not to come across that way because your concern is, let's face it, pretty motherly.

Perhaps there are things that you could do with her that give you opportunities to model good choices and have dialogue while spending time together. Do you know any of her recreational interests?
 
It's may be difficult not to come across that way because your concern is, let's face it, pretty motherly.

Perhaps there are things that you could do with her that give you opportunities to model good choices and have dialogue while spending time together. Do you know any of her recreational interests?

Lol well unfortunately she lives in Puerto Rico so getting together is out of the question. We communicate over FaceTime. We have many shared interests, and although I am old enough to be her mom I know she also views me as a friend. It's just hard cause I know she's making bad choices but I don't want her to stop opening up to me if voice my concern for her
 
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ENFP's are difficult at 19. They are rebellious, stubborn, and really just want to be off a leash and experience their world. They think they are already grown ass adults by this age (which they so aren't!) and just want to be left alone by parental figures. Which is what you should do, let that ENFP experience life and learn from the mistakes they make. (This is really only how they'll learn) Then they will come back and talk it over with you, "I should have listened when you said blah blah blah..." but it's pretty impossible for them to learn without experiencing something firsthand. Like any good friend/mom, keep your fears at bay and from allowing them to keep your ENFP from having experiences. Pick them up when they fall, kiss away their boo boos. Let them know you'll still be there if and whenever they need you, because they will.
 
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ENFP's are difficult at 19. They are rebellious, stubborn, and really just want to be off a leash and experience their world. They think they are already grown ass adults by this age (which they so aren't!) and just want to be left alone by parental figures. Which is what you should do, let that ENFP experience life and learn from the mistakes they make. (This is really only how they'll learn) Then they will come back and talk it over with you, "I should have listened when you said blah blah blah..." but it's pretty impossible for them to learn without experiencing something firsthand. Like any good friend/mom, keep your fears at bay and from allowing them to keep your ENFP from having experiences. Pick them up when they fall, kiss away their boo boos. Let them know you'll still be there if and whenever they need you, because they will.
Thank you so much for that advice. As a J, it's very scary to watch someone you love make choices that could get them in big trouble. I love your description of 19 year old ENFP's. That is so her. It's tough to watch, but I will just have to trust that it's going to be ok. I will give her opportunities to open up, but will try not to be too preachy. That was great insight and advice.
 
Oh that is a bit of a drive. You may be able to express your concerns initially, but I think that what's far more important is that you can emotionally reinforce her good choices while allowing her the space to make poor choices without judging her, even if you knew what would happen all along.

Of course allowing her to make poor choices doesn't mean enabling her by telling her that it's always ok, but it does mean not projecting disappointment or anxiety onto her because of your own negative opinions about those choices or the results.

I think that getting her to open up will take a lot of self-discipline and self-awareness because the fact that you care for her a lot is going to cause you to want to do all kinds of stuff that would likely push someone her age away. You need to hold yourself to some degree of separation and know that she will make mistakes and will likely close some doors, the same as most of us probably do at that age.

Edit: Oh, psh @Misadventure swooping in here and solving sh** while I'm typing this rambling response!
 
Thank you so much for that advice. As a J, it's very scary to watch someone you love make choices that could get them in big trouble. I love your description of 19 year old ENFP's. That is so her. It's tough to watch, but I will just have to trust that it's going to be ok. I will give her opportunities to open up, but will try not to be too preachy. That was great insight and advice.
I think any person with enough intuition and life experience has these same fears. You know exactly what they are headed for! The problem is, they only see their road filled with rainbows and sunshine and truly cannot, at that stage in life, foresee exactly the things we fear for them.
 
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Oh that is a bit of a drive. You may be able to express your concerns initially, but I think that what's far more important is that you can emotionally reinforce her good choices while allowing her the space to make poor choices without judging her, even if you knew what would happen all along.

Of course allowing her to make poor choices doesn't mean enabling her by telling her that it's always ok, but it does mean not projecting disappointment or anxiety onto her because of your own negative opinions about those choices or the results.

I think that getting her to open up will take a lot of self-discipline and self-awareness because the fact that you care for her a lot is going to cause you to want to do all kinds of stuff that would likely push someone her age away. You need to hold yourself to some degree of separation and know that she will make mistakes and will likely close some doors, the same as most of us probably do at that age.

Edit: Oh, psh @Misadventure swooping in here and solving sh** while I'm typing this rambling response!

Ugh this is hard. I really love her and don't want to lose our friendship. I think she already knows that she is making decisions that aren't good. She doesn't really need me to tell her that. I guess maybe I just want her to help her without pushing her away. I don't know if that's possible
 
Oh that is a bit of a drive. You may be able to express your concerns initially, but I think that what's far more important is that you can emotionally reinforce her good choices while allowing her the space to make poor choices without judging her, even if you knew what would happen all along.

Of course allowing her to make poor choices doesn't mean enabling her by telling her that it's always ok, but it does mean not projecting disappointment or anxiety onto her because of your own negative opinions about those choices or the results.

I think that getting her to open up will take a lot of self-discipline and self-awareness because the fact that you care for her a lot is going to cause you to want to do all kinds of stuff that would likely push someone her age away. You need to hold yourself to some degree of separation and know that she will make mistakes and will likely close some doors, the same as most of us probably do at that age.

Edit: Oh, psh @Misadventure swooping in here and solving sh** while I'm typing this rambling response!

Also thank you for the insight. Again it's hard to watch, but being 19 is a time to figure out who you are and make mistakes.