Have I lost the ability to love when my world was shattered with the last one?

[KorJax]

I've not been around here for a while, mostly due to IRL things and feeling like I haven't really needed the advice and wisdom being around the folks here tend to offer.

Well, about a year and a half ago I was broken up with my first non-LDR boyfriend. To say it was a reality check doesn't describe it enough. He was the first person I'd ever met in my life that I could relate to on many levels. Everything I've wanted from a friend, yet alone a boyfriend, he had about him. At least, so I thought in my own little world. Sadly, I was niaeve. While we might have had everything in common on the surface, inside we were nothing alike and his attitudes twoard other people when he wasn't trying to come off as nice around me was despicable. In any case, it gave me a reality check that I really needed. If it wasn't for that breakup, I wouldn't have been nearly as confident and independant in myself as I am today, and I wouldn't have been able to find the courage to "stand up" for myself and what I want to do.

But, here's where it gets a little complicated. Several months after we broke up, I met another guy by chance. Long story short after meeting up we started dating. It was pretty casual, and I really didn't want to over-invest this time like I did last time. But... it's been over a year now since we started dating and we are still together. Tonight he said that he loved me, and a little bit of a flutter happened, but yet even still I knew my "I love you" response back wasn't nearly as sincere as I would have liked.

I feel like he's the only kind of person I'd ever want to be around all the time on a serious level. That he's the only kind of person that I could live with. He's very innocent and child-like in his personality which I appreciate, that sense of humor and sense of care that was missing from my ex, and we really deeply can appreciate each other on a mental level that I've never had before. Even if he's got no experience with that great outdoors that I love (even though I know he'd love it!). Even if physically he is attractive but not my usual type I find myself drawn to. But I can and will appreciate personality over pure instinctual attraction. Yet... I feel like I've been scarred by my last one. Because, somehow I've yet to feel the type of oozy spark that makes me want to say the words "I love you" and be totally sincere. I know for a fact if I met him two years ago I'd of been able to say it with 100% confidence, no questions asked by now, but yet today I can't say the same... and I don't know why.

Have I just been too scared to really love or take a relationship seriously on a deep level right now? I went into this relationship reserved, and while I relaxed myself with almost everything around him by now, the one part of me that still stays reserved is that "young love" spark that caused me to persue my previous relationships. It's like that part of me is no longer around, and it makes me feel like I lost my ability to love sincerely as well as pursue relationships. Have I just matured beyond that stage, if it is a stage at all? I also wonder if it's the fact that usually I am more instinctively attracted to a different type of person physically (again, I don't find anything about him unattractive or turn-offish)?

I want to love him very much. I care for his thoughts, and I want him to feel happy and feel like he's got a place in the world. The thought of him ever being in pain, emotional or physical is something that I couldn't stand. Yet I know he, perhaps in his younger innosence or ignorance, loves me more than I him. That spark has never come, and I don't know if its normal or not - I feel natural, at home with him. Even despite that I've always tried to be independant and love myself before loving anyone else, but I fear that type of mental philosophy is the kind of thing that'll stop me from loving or caring for other people. It's almost like I've changed in my personality as a matter of fact. And there's one aspect of him that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable at certain times... when I get an affectionate touch or something along those lines, its almost as if I can't appreciate it fully or connect the way he does, even though it's something I've longed for, for many years in the people I've seeked out.

Ugh, sorry for the wall of text. It's all probably very unorganized, this is just a kind of mind dump for me at the moment.

 

[Gaze]

I think I understand your feelings. It's not easy falling in love when past experiences have been so negative. Someone I'm with has a similar issue. He is unable to let himself fully love or committ to anyone because his most recent past experiences where he gave relationships his all were abused. So, he gives very little back and doesn't want to make any committments to anyone. Not that this is your situation, but I understand his desire to not give so much of himself when previous relationships were disappointing or failed. So, reluctance is natural and understandable. And I wouldn't tell you to rush into anything before you feel ready. Although your partner declared his love, don't feel pressured to return the feelings unless you feel you're ready and that it's right. Work through your feelings step by step, and let him understand what you're feelings are, not what you think they should be. Let the feelings develop naturally. Don't force it.

He will understand if he cares about you. Best.

 

[yepunsarang]

Hi Korjax, time and time again I find myself being drawn back to this forum. I'm not a consistent poster but I love reading different threads and overall marveling at how similar my experiences are (to the most nuanced detail) with so many of you folks here. Quite recently, about four months ago I started dating someone new---mind you, I had the most awful breakup which shattered my heart last year around this time. That relationship was the first time I loved someone and the first time I really gave my heart away. So I know what you mean about that spark and feeling the utter fullness of each affectionate touch and word a loved one tells you. To this day, even as i've moved on a great deal if I allow myself to, I can just let myself fall back into the memories and those specific feelings that filled my heart with so much life.

In this new relationship i'm in i've felt the same kind of sadness as you, kind of a pang. This new bf is very sweet, genuinely cares about me, even loves me (like your s.o) but I almost feel afraid of that. I don't feel that feeling, I almost don't want to, and after some thought I realized I wasn't ready. The reason why I'm telling you this is because you shouldn't be so hard on yourself...you probably aren't ready either. After having loved so fully the first time (or in general any time) and losing that, takes so much time to heal. Enjoy yourself with this new person, but be kind and patient with yourself too. In time I do believe there comes a moment when that spark comes back and so brilliantly, in flames, that you cannot deny its power. You can't help but love.

If this helps... remember that you're bound to find someone even better and how glorious and how much happier will you be then? There's so much more adventure and love waiting for you, especially since we're both 21 and very young still Cheers, have a wonderful Christmas (be thankful of your blessings) and hoping your new year brings you new life and happiness.You'll only become stronger and more resilient.