Hate me.

Have you ever hated yourself for not being able to love someone who loves you? To wish every day that they could just despise you because you were too much of a weakling to love them back and give them what they deserve? To find that the only thing you could give are abstractions like truth and honesty when all they want is love. To be on emotional "E"?

This song has been one of my favorites for years, I think it captures some of what I am saying.

Hate Me lyrics

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, and a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f*cking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away," just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.
For You
For You
For You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU

 

I hurt a really good girl tonight. I benefited from her company and I let her start to love me and then I broke her heart and left threw her away because I am incapable of being human any longer. I don’t know what this means for me, but I will forever regret hurting such a good person and I can only pray that she will one day find the courage to forgive me and everything I have done for her. I thought that I would be driven to drinking heavily for this, but I have decided that I will bear the brunt of this current of guilt and pain, what little heart I had left she has taken with her, and even though it wasn’t enough to plant and grow a fertile love, it is enough for me to sit here in pain and take it and feel it and drown in it because what I did to her was not fair and I am garbage for doing what I did.
I don’t know what I have left inside, I don’t think anything.

 

NTs are now forbidden from this thread. Go read a schematic or some bullshit.

 

I tried to live a new image, against my better intuitions and I only managed to hurt a couple of people and 1 person very badly.

I am really just venting I don't need my problem "solved" I solved my problem tonight, but unfortunately as an F these feelings have to run their course, and I am just full of bitter self hatred right now and I don't want solutions I want abuse, so fire away.

 

I did while I was breaking her heart. And I want to drink, but that will make the guilt go away and I would rather just bear it for now and not store it away.