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Has anyone ever...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by SweetDreams, Feb 7, 2010.

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  1. SweetDreams

    SweetDreams Regular Poster

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    ...told you something in an attempt to manipulate you into staying friends with them?

    It's just that recently someone who I would consider to be a close friend told me something really personal about themselves, and although I am sure that what they told me is true, something about the way they told me doesn't seem genuine.

    This is because recently I have found myself drifting away from this person, as I feel that she doesn't give me enough space (something which I really need a lot of) and have explained this to her. I feel like she brought up the subject sort of out of context and that it wasn't appropriate for the time or place, and that maybe it was an attempt to make sure that I remain friends with her.

    I don't know if this is in the right section, but I would just like some thoughts on the matter, and would like to know if anyone else has experienced this?
     
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  2. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    This has happened to me a few times and I've also seen it happen in front of me (a few times).

    I get these 'off' vibes just like you when it happens.
    There's something exaggerated or just inconsistent with what they say and how they act while saying it.

    I think you should keep your guard up, even if you feel they have good intentions. The people in my experiences had good intentions --but they get sour quickly. They are self-obsessed and always wanting. Emotionally unstable, immature. It's already clear there is something wrong in their thinking if they manipulate to get what they want (and they justify it by saying they have good intentions). I'm wary of anyone who feels they have to change themselves in order to be liked. They can be dangerous in the long run.
    On the other hand it is up to you to wager based on what other info you can get about her behaviour. I have sometimes come off as fake because the way I act in one event is too drastic a change compared to how I act most of the time. I just get excited sometimes if I am in a good mood etc. Or I have planned what to say, wrote it down and rehearsed -so when I say it, it comes out cold with no feeling.. in a situation that should have feeling.

    But I think it will be clear to you because this kind of action repeats itself, not just a one-time thing.
     
    #2 Top cat, Feb 7, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
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  3. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Nice thoughts maetel. yes, i totally agree with one point and it is true. Some people are emotionally unstable and manipulative.

    I reminded one of my friend, she floated away because she realized i am going to change myself and i will make some fantastic progress in my life. I am on right track to get things. She advised me: You should be emotionally stable and mature. I knew what she was trying to say.
     
  4. Tulip

    Tulip Community Member

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    The question you need to ask yourself is - do you still want to be friends with her?

    If you still want to remain friends, aren't you glad that she values the friendship and tries to stay friends with you? The space issue would then be just a matter of communication to figure out the perfect compromise which would make you two both feel comfortable with the arrangement.

    If you don't want to be friends any more, then it probably doesn't matter whether she tells you something personal or not...as you have already made up your mind...

    :ranger:
     
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  5. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Seems like smoke and mirrors to me. Be careful of magicians, because they will lead you down their own path, rather than accompany you on a shared journey.
     
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  6. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    wow, I read that situation completely differently. what's you're friend's MBTI, if you know. To me, it seemed that she confused why you're pulling away (probably thinking that "needing space" is really you just trying to be nice and hiding some real reason). It sounds like she's trying to clear the air a bit by letting out this little something that she may have been hiding.
    my 2 cents.
     
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  7. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    You are so good at putting things in a nutshell!
     
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  8. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    Very good point

    I guess my first thought was that she might be willing to continue
    but that could be a form of compromise ^^;;;
     
  9. OP
    SweetDreams

    SweetDreams Regular Poster

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    Yes I am keeping my guard up and I haven't made contact with her since that day...I just don't feel like talking to her at the moment. But then again I feel like I might just be a little paranoid, I don't know...

    Also I don't think she was being fake, it's just her intentions for telling me that i'm concerned about. I get a feeling that she's trying to emotionally manipulate me so that I won't end my friendship with her.

    Yes she can be a very manipulative person, however it's not usually with me.

    The thing is I do want to continue being friends, but not if i'm manipulated into it. This person knows me very well, and therefore knows that I don't abandon people just because they have some kind of issues, but rather, I make sure that I'm there for them. I feel like she's trying to take advantage of this part of me.

    Wow...I agree with Sumone, I love the way you put it! Thankyou.

    [quote=N
     
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  10. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    An ENFP I slept with a few times said she'd kill her son to keep me.

    Does that count?
     
  11. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    An ENFP I slept with a few times said she'd kill her son to keep me.

    Does that count?
     
  12. OP
    SweetDreams

    SweetDreams Regular Poster

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    Um...yes it does, and I'm sorry that it's something you had to experience. Btw, your situation also makes mine seem so childish in comparison...
     
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  13. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    yeah, I was guessing she would be an NFP. They have a strong tendency to twist what people say to try to fit it to their preconceptions. If you no longer want the friendship, then you're doing it right. However, if you want to hold onto it, try reaching out, and try again to explain you need air once in a while, and you can't go as hard as she can. eventually it will sink in. I disagree with what most here have said. I don't take this as her trying to manipulate you to anything more than the apparent (trying to keep you as a friend).
     
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  14. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    I see :smile: Yeah it's a different story if she is not faking anything
    In a way it sounds nice she confided in you, in hopes it would bring you closer


    In my cases, the people were ESFJ (several) and ESFP
     
  15. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Manipulative people (even if it's not with you) are going to end up manipulating you sooner or later. I had a friend that manipulated the people around me, while she confided in me. And I didn't think she'd ever manipulate me. I wonder why I even stayed friends with her as long as I did.. She was very shady and most of our conversations consisted of her justifying her actions by telling me outlandishly dramatic things that made no sense, and me trying to unravel the knots and direct her to her folly. Ha.

    It's really not heartless to cut manipulative people from your life. Feeling pity for them and giving them your time (whilst slipping into their web) only enables them. Sooner or later, reality has to come crashing down, causing them to face their issues and their lies--and hopefully work on changing for the better.

    But the worst manipulation tactic I've dealt with was an ex-boyfriend who said he'd kill himself if I left him because he couldn't live without me. It worked for a bit, me trying to stick around until I said to myself, "Well, but I can live without him." And of course, he ended up not killing himself.

    If you feel manipulated, it's because you are being manipulated. You're not being paranoid.
     
  16. Tulip

    Tulip Community Member

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    Whether it is friendship or relationship, the feelings need to be mutual. I don't believe in manipulating people into friendship or relationship.

    Once a friendship or relationship ends, it ends. You can try your best to save it or to resurrect it. If it doesn't work, there is not much you can do about it other than to walk away...as it will never be like what it was before if the emotional investment isn't mutual any more.

    :rain:
     
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  17. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    I disapprove of how everybody is acting as though this friendship is over when SD has already said:
    lets NOT tear apart a friendship on a suspicion, shall we?
     
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  18. OP
    SweetDreams

    SweetDreams Regular Poster

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    [quote=N
     
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    #18 SweetDreams, Feb 10, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2010
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