Happiness: From good, to proud, to happy

[Disguised]

So, here's my take on happiness. Thanks to @Ren it's here now.

I wondered if we could discuss this. Views, thoughts, debate, anything.

Posted it there too https://www.infjs.com/threads/your-life-dream-and-how-you-will-achieve-it.34293/#post-1024628 but I feel like it's more reachable here.

From good to proud to happy​

BEING GOOD
​

I bet you have seen things you have done wrong, right or didn't do at all. It leaves you wonder whether you are a good or a bad person. I think the simplest answer for that question is to ask yourself if you want to be and do good. If not, you aren’t. If you do, you are. I dare to say that you even know if the things you do now are good or bad. Judge yourself in bad just like you would appreciate yourself in good and accept the life you have lived this far. All there is to think about after realizing this, is that you can change in any way you want.

What enormously helps you to see yourself as a good man is to respect people as people, not their actions. Understanding that people have become what they are due to the circumstances they have been living in is the key to respecting them. Not all are born the same way, everyone feels and acts different. They are all human beings after all just like you are. They might also be very misguided in their lives to think they can ever be proud of themselves.

Accept the fact that the bad in your past has enormous effect in you. Previous experiences and the things that have repeatedly happened in your life tend to change the way you think. You start expecting the same outcomes as you have received before. You think you know what is going to happen. This is imagination combined with logical conclusions and the reason you make these things up is to protect yourself, from the fear and all the negative emotions you received then. You don't need to know everything about them. If the source of them runs so deep that you can't simply understand it yet, ask for help to find it. Keep asking yourself if this is the way you want to feel. You will eventually answer yourself that it most definitely is not and trust yourself enough to be able to change in any way you want. The people who don't understand what you are going through can call you disordered, that you are sick, that you need to grow up. That is the point where your faith in yourself will be tested the most. Believe in change and that some people can understand you no matter how you feel. If you don't, no professional can ever be able to help you in any way. Accept your feelings, good and bad, feel them, change them if you need to and now you’re getting to meet who you are.

Remember that our lives can be seen in an infinite number of ways and the limit is imagination.

BEING PROUD
​

This might sound a bit arrogant, or at least it did to me for a long time. What I think it means is that you can appreciate yourself as you are. What you have done. What you have become. What you have achieved and the whole shebang that is called your life. When you find pride in that good you have made in your life and accept all the other stuff that happened, you have found the key to happiness.

You can't be proud of everything you have done and you never should be nor try to be. The thing you need to know about your previous actions is that you couldn't have done it in any other way back then because of what you were. Not what you are, because you get wiser every time you do wrong. Memorizing all those things is the difficult part. If you do your best to change, it will be something for you to always be proud of.

There is no luck or destiny. There are only good and bad things in life and the rate of their occurrence is unknown, so there is no reason to expect anything. So don’t think about it. After all you can’t do but your best. This creates the excitement of life too, so it's something to be very glad about. To handle this excitement, be ready for it. What makes you feel ready is courage, knowing that you can survive anything. Courage is found eventually through the realization of your ability to survive anything. That means you have to face every fear you have and know that they were purely imaginary all along. What makes your logical side eventually know you’re ready is experience. Just go get it.

BEING HAPPY
​

Now that you can accept yourself as you are, you truly want to the best you can be and appreciate the life you have been given, I think you should try everything you've wanted to. I think this is the only way to understand what you are the best at, what makes you proud to be and have been you. I told you before that there is no destiny, but actually what I meant was I understand it quite differently. Destiny is something that you make for yourself eventually when you know what you can do and feel like you must do because of your intuition. The strangest feeling of them all. No one can tell what your destiny is and never should you let them. The emotion you need to find and embrace in yourself is intuition. That you can and should be able to trust now.


You aren't alone. You will never be if you don't want to. People will understand. Learn how to explain.

 

[Ren]

@Disguised of course we can and will dicuss this. You are open to possible objections for the sake of debate, right?

 

[Disguised]

@Disguised of course we can and will dicuss this. You are open to possible objections for the sake of debate, right?

Of course. It does say so

 

[Ren]

Awright, let's go.

All there is to think about after realizing this, is that you can change in any way you want.

Accept the fact that the bad in your past has enormous effect in you. Previous experiences and the things that have repeatedly happened in your life tend to change the way you think.

On the face of it, I'm struggling not to see these two statements as contradictory. Of course, later on in the text, you suggest ways to extricate oneself from this "influence of the bad in your past", such as introspection and asking others for help/perspective, but to me this is not sufficient. Let me explain why I think that.

Suppose I find myself going through a period in life in which I lie to people a lot. I want to progress my career, and enjoy the benefits of a relationship while being unfaithful. Therefore I lie - I lie a lot, to my own advantage. According to your theory, this behaviour will change the very way I think: in other words, I will progressively embrace my new identity as a liar, and lose the very notion that what I'm doing is lying. I will normalise the fact of lying: this is the "enormous effect" that my inveterate practice of lying for the sake of my career and infidelity will have on my identity.

But then, if "the way I think" has been impacted to such as an extent as to blur the difference between every day lying and saying the truth - if this has really crept into the very way I think, is there really any way out of it? Maybe there is, but I think that what you suggest in your text - self-searching, introspection, finding the will to change - will be insufficient, because it will only address the what of what I think; whereas the real problem for me now is the how of my thinking. And I have acquired this new how of my thinking as a consequence of my former lying actions having had an "enormous effect" on how I think. To me, it sounds like I'm doomed. But deep down, I (by this I mean Ren) am not sure that the what of my actions can actually change the how of my thinking.

So I will ask you this: what exactly do you mean by an "enormous effect"? I am not convinced that, say, going through six months of repeated lying will necessarily have an huge impact on one's thinking, or conception of lying. It might be perfectly possible for one to remain aware that one is being immoral, and even ashamed of it, while still doing it for a bunch of extraneous reasons, and eventually stop doing it. Of course, we can get used to doing bad things; but does that mean we actually think it's alright, or that we just find ways to be in denial about it? If the latter, the effort of introspection and asking friends will be more fruitful, I believe. But then, we wouldn't be speaking of a change in actual thinking, but rather a more superficial rejection or an admission of denial.

Looking forward to your response

 

[Disguised]

On the face of it, I'm struggling not to see these two statements as contradictory. Of course, later on in the text, you suggest ways to extricate oneself from this "influence of the bad in your past", such as introspection and asking others for help/perspective, but to me this is not sufficient. Let me explain why I think that.

Suppose I find myself going through a period in life in which I lie to people a lot. I want to progress my career, and enjoy the benefits of a relationship while being unfaithful. Therefore I lie - I lie a lot, to my own advantage. According to your theory, this behaviour will change the very way I think: in other words, I will progressively embrace my new identity as a liar, and lose the very notion that what I'm doing is lying. I will normalise the fact of lying: this is the "enormous effect" that my inveterate practice of lying for the sake of my career and infidelity has had on my identity.

You may be right to think that help and alternative perspective from others isn't enough to change course. I went quite far myself.

You said you are doing this all for your own good. Your motives are good for yourself but might not be for all. Even House said everybody lies, and they do. Intelligent people do this even more often due to overthinking things and responses. There is always a reason and you choose to prioritize advancing in a career and achieving experiences. Maybe you feel a certain emptiness in your relationship and that you wouldn't be where you are in your job if it wasn't due to lies and masks? Advancing is still the most important thing in life. Your lying and unfaithfulness isn't all bad and you might feel this way as well. You question if it is though, which I think is the basis of good. You certainly aren't doomed as you are calling this a period in life. You might feel unsafe exposing the truth for now. I did too and took my fair share of finding the will to change.

But then, if "the way I think" has been impacted to such as an extent as to blur the difference between every day lying and saying the truth - if this has really crept into the very way I think, is there really any way out of it? Maybe there is, but I think that what you suggest in your text - self-searching, introspection, finding the will to change - will be insufficient, because it will only address the what of what I think; whereas the real problem for me now is the how of my thinking. And I have acquired this new how of my thinking as a consequence of my former lying actions having had an "enormous effect" on how I think. To me, it sounds like I'm doomed.

Be forgiving to yourself in this area, for it surely is not easy. People say things they don't necessarily want to and regret afterwards as the replies come so easily. Easy is what we like right? Let's say you cheated on your partner and she asks you where were you. I am sure that you will answer it with a lie to protect your actions. The point of this is you haven't accepted the way you act now and will not talk about it because of this. Will to change comes after the acceptance. Same goes with your job, which I think is more understandable due to the need of a good income and advancing in your career. It doesn't hurt anyone to take a mask and wear it but yourself.

The reason I took this brutal honesty to the fullest was because I felt like I couldn't live with myself anymore. I lied for the sake of being relateable, told stories that weren't true for the sake of admiration, gave obsolete threats for the sake of being seen as powerful, held my tongue for the sake of not being left alone, took certain personas at bars for the sake of sex, basically everything I told was implemented to gain something. I lied so much that I started believing them myself as vivid experiences. Those things needed to seem authentic to others anyways. It brought me so much pain finding myself in a place where I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I saw that there were so many flaws in me that there was no way of fixing it all anymore. I was a living lie. I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. I had memories that didn't exist. So I might say like you did that everything you do on a daily basis will change you. Like it does change your values and your morals.

I might struggle with dissociation, living among lies and a fake persona to this day still if it wasn't for those experiences. I accepted myself as a I was and was able to change to brutal honesty. I figured there was no other way out of it. Funny thing is, I have lost a couple of jobs and possibly good relationships due to that too. Last job I had the employer thought I sold hard narcotics for some reason and they fired me after getting a project done. I told him all about my early childhood, friends and family. My experiences and what I was about to do on weekends. There was a clear difference now though. I didn't feel bad. I was glad for realizing that I didn't really want to be there in the first place, and didn't belong there. Sure it sucked to lose my income and the safety it brought but I wouldn't have it any other way now. I realized that there were quite a few lies thrown at me then, and I figured it's way better that I'm not among toxic people.

Nowadays I do catch myself in a lie sometimes, which is when I question my motives. On a social setting for example I might think of something that I'm doing instead of meeting a good friend. For example one of my oldest friends was having a bachelor party to which was supposed to attend. I didn't feel like going at all due to meeting some friends that I have things that are still unsettled and I felt like I would ruin the party instead of making it better. So I lied. I told him I was ill and had a dangerously high fever.

The last phrase is something I still am struggling with. "People will understand, learn how to explain".

I hope this storytime brought you some will to come forward with the truth. Living in denial brought me great pain and I wish no one will ever find themselves buried there like I did. I think there is a breaking point for everyone on that path.

Ps. one pretty amazing ENTP told me once that "don't fight yourself, that battle has been lost a long time ago"

 

[Ren]

Just to clarify things @Disguised - my 'objection' was a thought experiment, I am not actually an unfaithful career shark at least not so far... *twirls moustache*

Thanks a lot for your response and I look forward to fully engaging with it later on.

 

[Disguised]

Just to clarify things @Disguised - my 'objection' was a thought experiment, I am not actually an unfaithful career shark at least not so far... *twirls moustache*

Thanks a lot for your response and I look forward to fully engaging with it later on.

Ahh I see. Nevertheless, the story is true and will be one of the sources to this "manual" always.

I still think that everybody lies and might be unfaithful at times even in their thoughts. That is just human. An old man of 80 might not do it as much because his motives and values have grown a lot. He has been caught in a lie bunch of times, had his motives questioned and maybe lost a wife. Or maybe he is from the flipside of a coin. An old criminal with kleptomaniac's traits. Point for this is that I now think there needs to be an experience for the change. Perspective simply won't do.

 

[Disguised]

“Words do not teach at all. It is life experience that brings you your knowing. But when you hear words that are a vibrational match to the knowing that you have accumulated, then sometimes it's easier for you to sort it all out.”
~Abraham-Hicks

 

[Ren]

Until I have more time to answer, this is a quote that I find inspiring.

 

[Ren]

You may be right to think that help and alternative perspective from others isn't enough to change course. I went quite far myself.

You said you are doing this all for your own good. Your motives are good for yourself but might not be for all. Even House said everybody lies, and they do. Intelligent people do this even more often due to overthinking things and responses. There is always a reason and you choose to prioritize advancing in a career and achieving experiences. Maybe you feel a certain emptiness in your relationship and that you wouldn't be where you are in your job if it wasn't due to lies and masks? Advancing is still the most important thing in life. Your lying and unfaithfulness isn't all bad and you might feel this way as well. You question if it is though, which I think is the basis of good. You certainly aren't doomed as you are calling this a period in life. You might feel unsafe exposing the truth for now. I did too and took my fair share of finding the will to change.



Be forgiving to yourself in this area, for it surely is not easy. People say things they don't necessarily want to and regret afterwards as the replies come so easily. Easy is what we like right? Let's say you cheated on your partner and she asks you where were you. I am sure that you will answer it with a lie to protect your actions. The point of this is you haven't accepted the way you act now and will not talk about it because of this. Will to change comes after the acceptance. Same goes with your job, which I think is more understandable due to the need of a good income and advancing in your career. It doesn't hurt anyone to take a mask and wear it but yourself.

The reason I took this brutal honesty to the fullest was because I felt like I couldn't live with myself anymore. I lied for the sake of being relateable, told stories that weren't true for the sake of admiration, gave obsolete threats for the sake of being seen as powerful, held my tongue for the sake of not being left alone, took certain personas at bars for the sake of sex, basically everything I told was implemented to gain something. I lied so much that I started believing them myself as vivid experiences. Those things needed to seem authentic to others anyways. It brought me so much pain finding myself in a place where I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I saw that there were so many flaws in me that there was no way of fixing it all anymore. I was a living lie. I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. I had memories that didn't exist. So I might say like you did that everything you do on a daily basis will change you. Like it does change your values and your morals.

I might struggle with dissociation, living among lies and a fake persona to this day still if it wasn't for those experiences. I accepted myself as a I was and was able to change to brutal honesty. I figured there was no other way out of it. Funny thing is, I have lost a couple of jobs and possibly good relationships due to that too. Last job I had the employer thought I sold hard narcotics for some reason and they fired me after getting a project done. I told him all about my early childhood, friends and family. My experiences and what I was about to do on weekends. There was a clear difference now though. I didn't feel bad. I was glad for realizing that I didn't really want to be there in the first place, and didn't belong there. Sure it sucked to lose my income and the safety it brought but I wouldn't have it any other way now. I realized that there were quite a few lies thrown at me then, and I figured it's way better that I'm not among toxic people.

Nowadays I do catch myself in a lie sometimes, which is when I question my motives. On a social setting for example I might think of something that I'm doing instead of meeting a good friend. For example one of my oldest friends was having a bachelor party to which was supposed to attend. I didn't feel like going at all due to meeting some friends that I have things that are still unsettled and I felt like I would ruin the party instead of making it better. So I lied. I told him I was ill and had a dangerously high fever.

The last phrase is something I still am struggling with. "People will understand, learn how to explain".

I hope this storytime brought you some will to come forward with the truth. Living in denial brought me great pain and I wish no one will ever find themselves buried there like I did. I think there is a breaking point for everyone on that path.

Ps. one pretty amazing ENTP told me once that "don't fight yourself, that battle has been lost a long time ago"

Thanks for this, @Disguised - I finally got around to reading your text and I appreciated its raw honesty. This deep level of introspection and self-critique which you have been engaged in reminded me of Saint Augustine, for some reason. Are you familiar with his work? I am not a committed Christian at all, I identify mostly with being agnostic, but Augustine's life has always inspired me in profound ways.

Given that you offered (correct me if I'm wrong) a snippet from your own life, I was wondering if you could talk a little more about when you shifted from "doing" the lying to becoming aware of it as something that you did, and then accepting it, and then moving beyond it through having accepted it. This ties in nicely to what I expressed earlier about the actions performed by the I and the change that may occur in the I's substance as a result of those actions, for better or worse. From your words, I get a sense that there clearly came a point when you took a step back to contemplate what you had done and ways to those doings differently, or at least relate to it differently. When and how did this happen? Was it a gradual process, or the product of a series of realisations, or "aha" moments?

 

[SeekerSeeking]

Even House said everybody lies, and they do.

The reason I took this brutal honesty to the fullest was because I felt like I couldn't live with myself anymore.

Funny thing is, I have lost a couple of jobs and possibly good relationships due to that too. Last job I had the employer thought I sold hard narcotics for some reason and they fired me after getting a project done. I told him all about my early childhood, friends and family. My experiences and what I was about to do on weekends. There was a clear difference now though. I didn't feel bad. I was glad for realizing that I didn't really want to be there in the first place, and didn't belong there. Sure it sucked to lose my income and the safety it brought but I wouldn't have it any other way now. I realized that there were quite a few lies thrown at me then, and I figured it's way better that I'm not among toxic people.

Nowadays I do catch myself in a lie sometimes, which is when I question my motives. On a social setting for example I might think of something that I'm doing instead of meeting a good friend. For example one of my oldest friends was having a bachelor party to which was supposed to attend. I didn't feel like going at all due to meeting some friends that I have things that are still unsettled and I felt like I would ruin the party instead of making it better. So I lied. I told him I was ill and had a dangerously high fever.

The last phrase is something I still am struggling with. "People will understand, learn how to explain".

I hope this storytime brought you some will to come forward with the truth. Living in denial brought me great pain and I wish no one will ever find themselves buried there like I did. I think there is a breaking point for everyone on that path.

Wow, I think I so understand where you are coming from. I grew up in a series of homes, mostly alcoholic homes. I saw lies galore. I thought they probably believed their lies after a while and didn't know what the truth was ... I didn't want to lie. I wanted to tell 'my truth' but I would have really been hurt had I done so. So, I lied. But I told myself that every time I lied, I had to admit to myself that I was lying (so I wouldn't get lost in them as I saw the adults doing). I became a good liar. Lies often saved me a lot of grief. Sometimes, they didn't, but I was already in trouble and the times lying did help me--gave me reason to keep doing it. Then I became an adult in the world. Ah ha, at last, I can tell my truth.

But no. Much to my surprise, lies would fly out of my mouth. Lies were it would have been easier to tell the truth. Stupid lies, like "Did you see So N so yesterday?" I didn't, but I'd say, "I did see them. But didn't have time to talk to them." Lying had become a habit. So, to break my habit, I made myself go the the person I'd lied to and tell them I'd lied. "Sorry, I lied. I didn't see So N So yesterday." Some got angry--some said it didn't matter, but it did matter to me. So, finally, I came to a place where I told my truth. It doesn't always go over well. But, I figure the folks who ask me questions, know who I am. If they want to know if I think that hat looks good on them, really--they'll ask me. I might say, "I don't think it complements you." If they want someone to agree with them because they like the hat, they'll ask my foster sister, who thinks it's awful also, but will say, "It's a pretty color." I have to tell the truth to keep me straight. And now that is habit.

And I've lost jobs too. One doctor gave me a list of 'excuses' to hand out over the phone when he was late coming back from lunch, like 'he was held up in the OR," or "He had a case in the Emergency Room. There were 11 of these excuses and I was to rotate them. Make a mark beside the last one used--so I'd know to use the next one. I told him I was uncomfortable doing this and if he would just tell me one of the excuses I could pass it on with no problem. He said he could get any number of people to lie for him for $10.00 and hour. I thought about it over night and told him he needed to hire that next person....

Sometimes, I am told I need to quit telling the truth--but I don't want to do so. I try and not volunteer it--wait until asked--and I try and make it kind--and not use it as a weapon because another thing I learned as a kid was that the truth could be a knife that cuts. When told the lady of the house didn't feel good and I'd hve to do all her work after school because she was sick. The smart-mouthed kid that I was, on the occasion that I told my truth, said, "Well, if you hadn't stayed up drinking until 2am, you'd probably feel better." Those beatings I didn't mind as much as the others...they were righteous somehow...

So, I think I know what you mean...

 

[Disguised]

Feels good though, like the only way to live doesn't it? Honesty I think is one of the most difficult virtues to maintain, and least valued virtue there is. I have criticized all of my bosses and their manners of leading due to this, most likely seeming as a smart-ass at the same time. I find myself in these clothing issues conversations sometimes with my friends too. A friend asked me once what he liked about his "milano designer leather jacket" and I laughed my ass off telling him that there sure was better ways to spend that money. He wasn't quite fond of it, but the others laughed aloud for a while saying "well that sure was honest". So I feel like no matter how blunt it seems it must be told. Did you at any point use lying as the means for survival?

Thanks for this, @Disguised - I finally got around to reading your text and I appreciated its raw honesty. This deep level of introspection and self-critique which you have been engaged in reminded me of Saint Augustine, for some reason. Are you familiar with his work? I am not a committed Christian at all, I identify mostly with being agnostic, but Augustine's life has always inspired me in profound ways.

So late night I read about this Saint Augustine character and I was intrigued by how it did resemble my ways of thought in quite the few manners (also saw some signs while reading the wikipedia article to keep me interested I suppose ). I sort of despise religion as a whole. I think when a person will lean on to religion for hope and faith, there is much the others around that person could do more than religion itself. The only thing there is to me is faith in yourself. ¨

Given that you offered (correct me if I'm wrong) a snippet from your own life, I was wondering if you could talk a little more about when you shifted from "doing" the lying to becoming aware of it as something that you did, and then accepting it, and then moving beyond it through having accepted it. This ties in nicely to what I expressed earlier about the actions performed by the I and the change that may occur in the I's substance as a result of those actions, for better or worse. From your words, I get a sense that there clearly came a point when you took a step back to contemplate what you had done and ways to those doings differently, or at least relate to it differently. When and how did this happen? Was it a gradual process, or the product of a series of realisations, or "aha" moments?

I will to try keep this short as earlier in this post I asked @SeekerSeeking if he/she had used lies as the means for survival. I based most of my "evil" traits in me for that exact reason which lead me to believe it was quite alright I did so. My childhood depended on it, as the master manipulator that my father was needed to be defeated in his own game. As I felt love that was fake, instead it was for the means to manipulate more. I then offered empathy that was fake. We eventually got to the point of debating as I was older and moved away. Same goes with some of my friends, jobs and relationships as I felt already that survival was so much easier this way. No need to express everything I had to say as they seemed way too blunt. And my father left me the feeling anyways of "how could I possibly know better?" the logic smart-ass that he himself was.

So we move a couple years forward again in history and I'm starting to feel like I can use this to create any persona I want to. Like if some situations needed a douchebag, a leader, a friend, a friend in con, a smart-ass, a teacher anything I could do it. And to great success I used this in various situations at school, in jobs and with people. Or so I felt like. I fit the normal perception for once in my life that I felt like I could belong after all.

Love towards my old self was my breaking point. I had me always in there anyways, I just didn't want to show it to anyone. My first crush which I still adore very much came to the party I held at my place as I moved for the first time by myself. She was the love of my life I felt like after all, that nothing else would matter if I only had her. So she appeared and it felt like she belonged with me and my friends. It felt so unreal, yet so real that my friends that I had been hiding and keeping up with lies were actually the best company she claimed to be with in a long time. My habits of doing a bunch of drugs with them felt too much of a junkie label to me. The night went on and we had one of the best days in my life. We danced and danced and gazed to each other like there should be no tomorrow without this. She started crying. Like something wasn't right. She knew I wasn't like this. She knew me as the type to retract to art in classes, listening to different kind of music than most, the clothes had changed, the look, everything that there was before. I was cocky I could say. Suddenly she left from the bar and I chased her down. She didn't say nothing as I pushed her to the wall and asked her "what did I do?", just cried. She looked at me for a second and then to her feet. I lifted her chin, swept the tears away and said that "Whatever it is, don't cry for me" which she answered that "You are unresistable. I can't do this". I figured as she'd been in a long-term relationship this is the worst time ever for this, but I had to try atleast. There was no holding back anymore. I told her that she would be the one I would leave anyone for. For that dream was something that saved me from killing myself quite a few times. I knew it was possible. That night ended up in my bed and she left in the morning and I wasn't sure why. "I did everything right didn't I" I asked myself. I couldn't figure it out why she would not meet with me again. I had told her I had waited for her to show up for five years after all and she must have known how that night felt like to me.

The realization that came from this was that the dream was the hugest lie of my life that I had been living for. I lost ground, hope and faith and everything as I she was gone again. She was the reason I held my shit together for so long wishing that one day she will see me in my potential that was now based in something so ingenuine. I thought that all the stuff and all the possibilities I now had were for her. I had my identity questioned to the point of a life threatening crisis. I didn't chase her anymore after I received the last text from her saying that "I'm moving, have a good summer.". I got passive-aggressively angry and tried to tell myself things that "well she wasn't worth it anyways". Hurts even to write that stuff but after a while it turned to saying "if I really loved her I can let her go as well". That summer, after letting go, was the time I started to write this happiness thing. I knew I had always been depressed, and the joy I felt was so minimal that it was of no use anymore. I had to figure out what happiness was to live. I had my best job then luckily in which there was no need for a fake persona. There was this one guy who had that, and he was not liked that much and was left unanswered with his lies in the coffee room. His example was a memory of my actions. My oldest friends then used to accompany me all the time and it kept me wondering why. I had been real to these few people more than to anyone, with my feelings and thoughts. They valued me no matter what I did and were my pillar to lean on when needed. I had been focusing on the bad sides of me for so long that I didn't think there was any good in me left. They kept telling me things that they valued in me and I started to trust that perspective. I wrote this in a couple of days that summer. I had to. The realizations came to me the more I thought about the subject, and I had to be proud of something in my life. Most of what I did was to serve my own purposes and I felt the pointlessness of it, as it simply meant nothing anymore. What purpose would my life serve if I kept on this way? I didn't have a dream of the future like people usually do at a young age, being an astronaut or a fireman and such. I got depressed at 4 years old when I knew that my life in an universal scale is like a poo of a fly. I had reached something that had always seemed impossible to me. To be happy.

*I won't read this through as I feel like it'll take more time than it will do any good. It's good enough this time.

*edit* Okey I had to fix some irritating typos

 

[Disguised]

I'd still rephrase this a lot...
It was not precisely finding or loving my old self but the absolute feeling of a pointless life that was the breaking point.

 

[Disguised]

I thought about adding something to the being good part.

Every single one of us is unique, and the virtues some might deem impossible to obtain will come when you have striven enough in darkness to find that there is another way. There are many, yet you will come to value only the ones that you have found important. A murderer of the innocent might as well keep on killing and feeling nothing, but once he has killed something he loves there is a light in his darkness. A possibility of change. That doesn’t need to happen if you start questioning your actions soon enough.

 

[Ren]

I will to try keep this short

*Ends up writing a novel*

Thanks for sharing this story, man. It was honest and moving. Also I think it illustrates very well how no matter how resilient we are (and I think that underneath it all, you are quite resilient), we will always need to interact with benevolent others in order to save ourselves. Glad it happened to you. And I hope you'll get to write more of that stuff in the future.

 

[Ren]

I thought about adding something to the being good part.

Every single one of us is unique, and the virtues some might deem impossible to obtain will come when you have striven enough in darkness to find that there is another way. There are many, yet you will come to value only the ones that you have found important. A murderer of the innocent might as well keep on killing and feeling nothing, but once he has killed something he loves there is a light in his darkness. A possibility of change. That doesn’t need to happen if you start questioning your actions soon enough.

I like this! Particularly the idea that we tend to focus too much on the virtues we think we have "innately" or are good at, while it's always possible to cultivate other virtues, and to be good at cultivating them. Sometimes convincing oneself that one cannot become good at cultivating a virtue is a form of bad faith, in preferring not to believe in the extent of one's potential for change, because change can create anxiety.

 

[Disguised]

*Ends up writing a novel*

Thanks for sharing this story, man. It was honest and moving. Also I think it illustrates very well how no matter how resilient we are (and I think that underneath it all, you are quite resilient), we will always need to interact with benevolent others in order to save ourselves. Glad it happened to you. And I hope you'll get to write more of that stuff in the future.

Made me laugh as well when I looked at it
People are very resilient I feel like. Some just don't know it as for the lack of experience. I don't know if I had made it without my friends and my brother so there is much to be thankful to them as well.

I like this! Particularly the idea that we tend to focus too much on the virtues we think we have "innately" or are good at, while it's always possible to cultivate other virtues, and to be good at cultivating them. Sometimes convincing oneself that one cannot become good at cultivating a virtue is a form of bad faith, in preferring not to believe in the extent of one's potential for change, because change can create anxiety.

Good to hear friend! I think that people find themselves in a place of no return sometimes because change is indeed scary and hard every time. There is no experience to tell you what would happen if I did otherwise, and there is no knowledge of acting another way. Much like a ship reaching harbor that had no rations for them but set ashore for the sole reason of getting there, if this makes any sense.

We talked about this actually with an old friend today as I told her I had something for her to read. I thought it would be interesting to see what a psychologist thinks. We found much common ground. I think this will never be "complete" so I surely will write more. She asked for a translation so I might do that first.

 

[SeekerSeeking]

Feels good though, like the only way to live doesn't it? Did you at any point use lying as the means for survival?"

I will to try keep this short as earlier in this post I asked @SeekerSeeking if he/she had used lies as the means for survival.

I had told her I had waited for her to show up for five years after all and she must have known how that night felt like to me.

I had to figure out what happiness was to live

I didn't have a dream of the future like people usually do at a young age, being an astronaut or a fireman and such.


*edit* Okey I had to fix some irritating typos

Lying was absolutely a survival tool. I think I'm here and alive because of some of the lies I told...

Being as completely truthful as possible does feel good. But, I've chosen to wait until asked my opinion in most cases.

I'm glad your dream girl kept you alive. But you said, "she must have known how that night felt to me." Did she? We can't crawl into another persons skin and brain and absolutely know what they know. I would think she did not really appreciate the enormity of it--how could she? She came from a different experience, and as a teen had very limited life knowledge.

I think battered kids do not know what happiness is--I knew this as a kid. Knew I'd have to learn how to be happy. I certainly did not want to be like the unhappy folks I'd grown up around. Sounds like you reached that point to where you knew you were not happy and needed to figure it out. I think these are HUGE pluses for us--that awareness...

Like you, I didn't have a dream of the future because I never allowed myself to think even one day ahead. If I'd had to think about the next 365 days being just like the one I was experiencing in childhood--I would have offed myself. I wasn't sure I'd be alive for a future. So to reach 16 and be on my own---the future stretched out like a great black abyss, and it scared me. I only started thinking of the future when I had my first child--then I realized I'd have to think of the next 20 years to raise him.

I think survivors and thrivers are amazing people.

 

[Disguised]

Lying was absolutely a survival tool. I think I'm here and alive because of some of the lies I told...

Being as completely truthful as possible does feel good. But, I've chosen to wait until asked my opinion in most cases.

I'm glad your dream girl kept you alive. But you said, "she must have known how that night felt to me." Did she? We can't crawl into another persons skin and brain and absolutely know what they know. I would think she did not really appreciate the enormity of it--how could she? She came from a different experience, and as a teen had very limited life knowledge.

I think battered kids do not know what happiness is--I knew this as a kid. Knew I'd have to learn how to be happy. I certainly did not want to be like the unhappy folks I'd grown up around. Sounds like you reached that point to where you knew you were not happy and needed to figure it out. I think these are HUGE pluses for us--that awareness...

Like you, I didn't have a dream of the future because I never allowed myself to think even one day ahead. If I'd had to think about the next 365 days being just like the one I was experiencing in childhood--I would have offed myself. I wasn't sure I'd be alive for a future. So to reach 16 and be on my own---the future stretched out like a great black abyss, and it scared me. I only started thinking of the future when I had my first child--then I realized I'd have to think of the next 20 years to raise him.

I think survivors and thrivers are amazing people.

You're right when you're right I feel like. She didn't most likely, no. I seemed to cling on her empathy a bit. She told me afterwards that "I hope you don't feel used" as I recall now, and it seems like she wanted a one night stand with a person she could trust. Never being able to before.

I feel like a certain completeness will be achieved the "hard" way, not to be told what it is as everyone has their own issues and goals to sort out. Happiness though might be reached otherwise.

I'm sure your offspring will be an amazing person!

 

[Disguised]

Whole​

If you ask a truly happy man what makes him happy, he will most likely tell you about the things that make or have made him happy.

What he won’t tell you is that he has done much good, was proud to have lived and to live now, lived and shared happiness, loved his life like others and had achieved peace.


Being good

You can tell if the things you have done were somehow wrong, some what right and those you didn’t do at all. It leaves you sometimes wondering whether you are a good or a bad person. I think the simplest answer for that question is to ask yourself if you want to be and do good. If not, you aren’t. If you do, you are. I dare to say that you know if the things you do are good or bad, you just need to find the will to change, to be better. Judging yourself in bad just like you would appreciate yourself in good, will always improve you. It shouldn’t be that serious though, improving. You will eventually accept the life you have lived this far, and the now that you live in.

What helps in being good and staying that way is to first respect people as people, love them and don’t judge or measure them for their actions or being. Understanding that people have become what they are due to the circumstances they have been living in is the key to respecting them. Not all are born the same way, everyone feels and acts different. We are all human beings after all just like you are.

The bad and the good in your past effects your behavior, your thoughts and feelings. Previous experiences and the things that have repeatedly happened in your life tend to change the way you think. You start expecting the same outcomes as you have received before. You think you know what is going to happen. This is imagination combined with logical conclusions and the reason you make these things up is to protect yourself from the emotions you received then. A mind is like a shell, it’s never truly open. Every emotion, impulse, thought has their own source, asking for help to find them and to seek for people you can trust on is a good idea, be among people you admire, the people you can love and open up if you want help. Keep asking yourself if these are the ways you want to feel. You will eventually answer yourself that it most definitely is not no matter how difficult it might feel like. Trust yourself enough to be able to change in any way you want. The people who don't understand why you act, are and think the way you do can call you whatever they want. At that point your faith in yourself is always tested, life will test you. Just believe in change and that people can understand you and love you. If you don't, no professional can ever be able to help you in any way. Accept your feelings, good and bad, feel them, change them if you need to, and then you know who you can be, who you really are.


Having pride

Might sound a bit arrogant, or at least it did to me for a long time. To me it means that you appreciate yourself as you are, what you have done, what you have become, what you have achieved, the whole shebang that is called your life. When you can find pride in your life, you have found the key to happiness. You have the courage to be yourself.

You can't be proud of everything you have done and actually you never should be nor try to be. The thing you need to know about your actions is that you couldn't have done it any other way then. Not what you are, because you get wiser every time you do wrong. Memorizing and noticing all those things is the difficult part. If you do your best to improve, it will be something for you to always be proud of.

There is no luck. There are good and bad things in life and the rate of their occurrence is unknown. This creates the excitement of life too, so it's something to be very glad about. All you need to do to handle this excitement is to be ready for it. What makes you feel ready is courage, knowing that you can survive anything. Courage is found eventually through the realization of your ability to adapt. You have to face every fear you have and know that they were purely imaginary all along to find this courage.


Living happy

Now that you are, you want to be the best you can be and appreciate the life and others that has been given, be proud and to do good, I think you should just do, be everything you can be. I think this is the only way to understand what you truly are, what makes you proud to have lived, to be and have been you. Not like everyone else, but like you, but as different as everyone elses.

Destiny is something that you make for yourself eventually when you know what you can do, and feel like you must do because of your intuition. No one can tell what your destiny is, and never you should let them. The emotion you need to find in yourself and embrace is intuition, and to trust it above anything else.

You aren't alone. You will never be if you don't want to.

People will understand. Learn how to explain. To love. To be happy, to do good and to be at peace.


Love

Love. I believe there is not a single soul on earth who doesn’t or hasn’t felt love. What is it then? Has your love drained and replenished over time? Has anyone helped you even though you hurt them? Have you helped back? That is love. Forgiveness, sacrifice, you name it. It’s a feeling we depend on. You’ll know when you’re all alone without it. You have got the feeling at some point. It’s like a rollercoaster with it’s ups and downs but it doesn’t end.

Someone told me once that love is a sacrifice. What’s the cost? It has no limits. Ultimately, you would do anything. So much that it hurts but you’d ignore the pain. Love is to give away all that matters if needed.

On the other hand when you learn to love every soul, new born child, and people as they are you can drown in it. Be your own best friend and learn to love that friend in you, then you can treat others in the way you treat yourself. You begin to notice the things you do to yourself, and you notice that you do the same things towards others. Everyone has their own reflection.


Being at peace

What is peace? It is a state of mind. Where you know you can trust the people you live with, where and how you are. Thinking about the future sometimes can tremble that peace. No matter if you had optimistic or pessimistic thoughts about it, it most often isn’t how it happens. One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein who said that “Don’t worry about the future, it will come soon enough”.

If you do know how to love, you can trust. And if you love the people wherever you go, you can trust everyone. There’s no reason to worry if you do good, are proud, happy and love while remaining a peaceful person. People like people like that. And even if they wouldn’t, stay remorseful to yourself and others. Forgive, let go and learn.


-Erkki Rainamo