Friends with an ex? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Friends with an ex?

I don't know if it's possible, but I am friends with one. I think being young and not lasting long helps, since we didn't take things as seriously, and we have almost all of our friends in common, so that makes it a necessity. It works out reasonably well, but I lapse every now and then, unfortunately.
 
porcelinapunk said:
Do you think it's possible to remain friends with an ex-lover/partner/spouse?

What impacts this ability? (Length of relationship/cause for breakup/age?)

Have you successfully managed this? Has an attempt crashed and burned or merely fizzled out?

I guess part of why I'm asking a bunch of INFJs is because of the notion of detachment. I feel like there needs to be a certain level of detachment to end a relationship, but I'm not sure how that would pan out for attempting a friendship afterwards.

Give me all your wisdom :eek:)
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Yes definately possible. Its possible to be friends with anyone if you genuinely want to and are prepared to make the effort. Im very close, best friends with my ex. We have a child together but he would have remained friends regardless. he is like my brother and i love him dearly. no physical attraction or chemistry exists and the relationship concluded on great friendly terms. It is not awkward. Its nice.
Im friends with my previous exs as well. With the second last, it was pretty hard because he took the break up badly and was resentful towards my new partner at the time. He still had strong feelings so it made it hard to be friends for a while. We ended up drifting apart but remained in contact and now we are on much better terms. Its still hard but ultimarely worth the effort. Not perfect but getting there.
The other one i rarely see but its always nice when we catch up.

No bad blood. I dont understand how its possible to stop loving someone. All of my partners became really great friends during the relationship so i guess it seemed entirely natural to remain friends with them. I like them all for the people that they are. All awesome people.

Other people do comment on how strange this all is sometimes. It wouldnt be possible for me to be with anyone new unless they accepted that i choose to remain close to my other friends. I dont really understand why its strange. Friendship is just about communcation and effort. You either like someone or you dont. Either want them in your life or you dont. If you choose to have someone in your life, you find a way to make it work. If its too hard or if people arent willing to put in the effort it simply wont work and it will run its course- which means that neither party is interested anyway. sometimes people will drift away as they grow in other directions. Whatever, we all grow and change as people and no reason to be hurt over it and dwell. I suppose it helps that i have not a jealous person and all my relationships have been with great people. I care about them all and want them to be happy
 
The ex's from high school are still on friendly terms, but I wouldnt call them to hang out. Ex's from my adulthood are gone for a reason: I dont like them for one reason or another.
 
I'm bad at keeping in touch with friends, let alone people I break ties with.
 
my default answer is always no. the feelings were there at one point and at some point someone will like someone again, and the balance is unequal. i don't really call an unequal situation "friendship" because it's too complicated for men and women to just be friends. i do not like staying in contact with ex's--stirs up unnecessary drama.

then again, it's been years and years since i dated one person who i consider a "friend"--but he has a not so obvious crush on me still, which makes me nervous. he lives far away though and i rarely see him. we've changed a lot since we dated and he is an interesting person, just not for me. he does have a pretty good sense of humor, and he knows me fairly well. if i started dating someone who was friends with their ex's, it would make me leery because i do not believe in "just friends"!
 
I am an INFP, and my ex-bf/greatest friend i've had is an INFJ .
The first transition is hard, because he was the one who realized that our relationship isn't growing nor going anymore.
As an INFP, of course i questioned so much, breaking down etc. n again as INFJ he did the "slamdoor" for no explanation like he was a heartless person.
Before i found out he was an INFJ, i hated him so much.
He was the one who reach back to me , caring n all. INFJ is a caring sociable person, so it took me time to learn that he has no intention to get back together either. He just care about u. Strong underline.
He "slamdoor" on you, because he's giving time for you to calm down, to avoid any conflicts that will come out, and also to reflect on himself, sumtimes i saw there is a strong guilt somewhere in him, that i try to convince it's alright.

Overtime, i learn to go around his secretive side, and learn to accept him as a great friend that who always surprise me. The connection was undeniable, but i learn to take it as a huge crush on my own close friend.
It definitely took time, and depends on how each individual try to reach out for it. Sometimes the effort doesn't seem to worth it, but it is for my case.

I guess because i am young too, the healing time works faster for me.
 
I've never had a relationship end due to bad sex or not enough candlelit dinners. The relationship fails because the friendship fails.

But if I ever love, I always love--whatever they've done or however long they've been gone. I love everyone I have ever loved.

I would welcome most of them back as platonic friendships even now but there's a good chance that whatever failed in the friendship would still be a gap and though I may not pursue it, I would not be able to fully conceal my deeper feelings.

Most of my relationships have grown from friendships. I attach strongly, never want to let go, and consider my partner to be permanent family. When it ends, I am torn apart for having lost a best friend, a lover, and my family. And I keep trying, anyway. Romantic or stubborn.
 
INFJ / INFJ breakup-friends

Have recently broken up with an INFJ and I am an INFJ. It is long distance. We tried to go from 3 skypes a week and heaps of messages...to one Skype a week and really limited messages.

After 3 weeks we spoke and realised both felt in limbo and not broken up so we have now taken a proper break. It's rough as we were very close in terms of support for each other.

I know it takes time, but I am really not sure what to do to help navigate. In every other instance as an adult I have done the 'slam the door shut' thing referred to here.

It is getting old though and I think the door slamming is not healthy for mean and leaves unresolved guilt.

This person is lovely and I really want to have them in my life...previous couple did not like as people on reflection.

Any guidance appreciated x
 
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