First month dating ISTJ guy = minimal communication | INFJ Forum

First month dating ISTJ guy = minimal communication

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
May 20, 2014
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OK, so it's been about four weeks since ISTJ and I dated and had sex. Granted, three days after spending the night together, I went away to another country for the holidays and am due to go back to where we both work at the end of January.

The problem with me and men is always communication it seems. He is just not very communicative via messages. He always sends long replies when I initiate contact but rarely initiates himself. It's been four days now and I haven't sent him anything....neither has he. Is he just not interested, waiting for me to come back, or is one of those passive guys who prefers to be pursued? I don't like this at all.
 
I have no idea what you are actually like, but you come across as a person who "calls the shots" in what ever situation you are in. Granted that is probably only my projection onto your posts but if that is the case, it makes it difficult for you to determine this guy's actual disposition. He may want to be close to you but is being cautious not to appear clingy. That said it is a generally understood convention that a man must initiate overtures with his female sexual partners unless he would rather her to loose interest but can't bring himself to turning her down.
 
I am not istj but I certainly do not feel like talking just to talk. I will initiate conversation if there is something relevant to say... location to meet up etc... or if its been a day and there has been no communication.
Some people need more than others.
Does he seem interested when he does talk?
 
If you've only started dating not too long ago, I don't think it's weird that there is a 4 day silence. There could be a gazillion reasons. I wouldn't worry.
 
Wow, male minds work differently indeed. It doesn't occur to you guys that the other person needs to feel wanted? Wow.
 
Maybe the sex wasn't that great for him. It's a possibility.

Really though, if he hasn't initiated contact with you in 4 weeks (regardless of you going away or anything else) then he doesn't seem to be interested. And if he is sending you long replies of irrelevant facts then there's a possibility he doesn't know what to talk to you about, which may go back to him feeling a lack of chemistry.

I don't know all of the facts obviously, but if I were you, I would stop contacting him. If he eventually decides to initiate contact, then he likes you. If not, then he doesn't.
 
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It's possible he feels insecure about his position in the relationship, which is why he is waiting on your direction. At the same time, ISTJs do not like to appear needy (even though they are starved for attention like everyone else ... they just need a brick thrown at them sometimes.) You have to remember that ISTJs are realists and are living in the "here and now", which includes actually SEEING and TOUCHING the individual. Much to dismay of what people think of ISTJs, they do enjoy being around people.

I know that it stinks you, but you will just have to tell him that you need him to initiate conversation more. Your relationship is new, and you have to communicate your needs to the other person. It's what they do with that information that counts. I was the pursuer when Mr.S (ISTJ) and I were dating, it was because his focus was somewhere else (on school, yes he's that nerdy.) He became the pursuer after he felt secure that our relationship was solid, and continues to pursue me to this day. Not saying all ISTJs are like this, but this rings true for a best friend of mine who is also married to an ISTJ.
 
Artemisia said:
The problem with me and men is always communication it seems.
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I was thinking about this, and if communication is always the issue, then (most likely) the problem is you...not the men.

Did you communicate to him before having sex that you wanted some type of commitment afterwards? Because sex does not equal commitment to everyone.

Now to be clear, I'm not judging you for sleeping with him after a month of dating. You could sleep with him in the first hour of meeting him and that would still be acceptable behavior. All I'm saying is that if you have certain expectations after sex, then you need to be upfront about them.

If you don't feel that you know the person well enough to have that discussion, then you probably should hold off on sleeping with them. Otherwise, it seems you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
 
Bah. I just don't feel good by his level of communication and am going to walk. I guess when I see him in person in about 10 days, I will just act cold and distant.
 
When you see him, don't act cold and distant; straight-up tell him you desire more communication between each other or you will leave.

Your needs in a relationship are different than his, and that's perfectly fine and you should definitely seek someone out who is as communicative as you; but don't act passive-agressive toward him when you're in person, you're bigger than that.
 
Horatio said:
When you see him, don't act cold and distant; straight-up tell him you desire more communication between each other or you will leave.

Your needs in a relationship are different than his, and that's perfectly fine and you should definitely seek someone out who is as communicative as you; but don't act passive-agressive toward him when you're in person, you're bigger than that.
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Yeah, why not? I should let him know the truth.

I'm just glad that I am now able to realize within the first month of dating when my needs are not being met and to walk early on.
 
Artemisia said:
Bah. I just don't feel good by his level of communication and am going to walk. I guess when I see him in person in about 10 days, I will just act cold and distant.
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Really?

Your need to feel wanted is your psychic business, not a universal human trait that he is obliged to understand intuitively.

But equally, it is not a nutty feeling to want to know you're wanted. Far from it.

That suggests it needs to be communicated somehow and that might be difficult, it might go badly and he might not be able/willing to help you in that way.

It might go the other way though. And if it does, that's only as big a step forward as you consider it to be.

Do you have difficulty communicating your feelings to the people who they directly relate to? Is there anything you could do in 10 days about that?
 
Cornerstone said:
Really?

Your need to feel wanted is your psychic business, not a universal human trait that he is obliged to understand intuitively.

But equally, it is not a nutty feeling to want to know you're wanted. Far from it.

That suggests it needs to be communicated somehow and that might be difficult, it might go badly and he might not be able/willing to help you in that way.

It might go the other way though. And if it does, that's only as big a step forward as you consider it to be.

Do you have difficulty communicating your feelings to the people who they directly relate to? Is there anything you could do in 10 days about that?
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I have disappeared from social networks this past week and plan to disappear from other forms of contact for the time being. Let's see how he reacts.
 
Cornerstone said:
Really?

Your need to feel wanted is your psychic business, not a universal human trait that he is obliged to understand intuitively.

But equally, it is not a nutty feeling to want to know you're wanted. Far from it.

That suggests it needs to be communicated somehow and that might be difficult, it might go badly and he might not be able/willing to help you in that way.

It might go the other way though. And if it does, that's only as big a step forward as you consider it to be.

Do you have difficulty communicating your feelings to the people who they directly relate to? Is there anything you could do in 10 days about that?
Click to expand...

I have disappeared from social networks this past week and plan to disappear from other forms of contact for the time being. Let's see how he reacts.
 
I agree with @Artemisia in the sense that it shouldn't be rocket science to know that your partner needs to know they are wanted, and that it's important to let them know you are thinking of them or care about them in some way. If there are long periods where the person doesn't communicate, it's going to make their partner feel ignored or unwanted. These are relationships skills 101. It's normal for romantic partners to want to see evidence whether it's a text or call or nice gesture from their loved one to know that the person is still interested. It's not unrealistic to expect that type of recognition if the person cares about you. Yes, they may not be able to do these things all the time, but it would be normal to expect some sort of contact a few times a week, especially if you don't see them regularly. Making a connection with someone and sustaining it are two different things. If you don't do things to show interest and maintain it, then people will start to feel ignored, unwanted, and even rejected. You can't simply view it from one side or assume "they should know I care about them, and that should be enough." Actions always speak more than words. For the relationship to continue, you have to want to consider and think about how your partner feels and how your actions affect them. You can't simply think about yourself and what's important to you.
 
Artemisia said:
Wow, male minds work differently indeed. It doesn't occur to you guys that the other person needs to feel wanted? Wow.
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You post a lot about how you start relationships and are dissatisfied with them.

You know what the constant is in every one of these?

You.

e: To clarify, you are willfully getting into relationships with guys who you are aware don't care about you, don't care about self-growth, etc. and then complaining about it. Sever, take the lessons you've learned in these relationships, and start over by adhering to new, stricter criteria.

Oh, and don't fuck guys you've only been dating for a month, I guess?
 
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pics said:
I agree with @Artemisia in the sense that it shouldn't be rocket science to know that your partner needs to know they are wanted, and that it's important to let them know you are thinking of them or care about them in some way. If there are long periods where the person doesn't communicate, it's going to make their partner feel ignored or unwanted. These are relationships skills 101. It's normal for romantic partners to want to see evidence whether it's a text or call or nice gesture from their loved one to know that the person is still interested. It's not unrealistic to expect that type of recognition if the person cares about you. Yes, they may not be able to do these things all the time, but it would be normal to expect some sort of contact a few times a week, especially if you don't see them regularly. Making a connection with someone and sustaining it are two different things. If you don't do things to show interest and maintain it, then people will start to feel ignored, unwanted, and even rejected. You can't simply view it from one side or assume "they should know I care about them, and that should be enough." Actions always speak more than words. For the relationship to continue, you have to want to consider and think about how your partner feels and how your actions affect them. You can't simply think about yourself and what's important to you.
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This is all true if you are in a relationship. But are they in a relationship after dating for one month? And just because she had sex with him? I doubt it. Being that she has admitted to having communication issues with men, I'm sure she never communicated to him that sex means commitment in her world. So yes, actions do speak louder than words, but not everyone interprets actions the same way, especially if you barely know the person. His (possible) interpretation of her having sex with him? She was horny. That's it. Nothing more. I definitely wouldn't read 'relationship' into that.

If she wants more from a guy she hardly knows, than she needs to speak up.
 
pics said:
I agree with @Artemisia in the sense that it shouldn't be rocket science to know that your partner needs to know they are wanted, and that it's important to let them know you are thinking of them or care about them in some way. If there are long periods where the person doesn't communicate, it's going to make their partner feel ignored or unwanted. These are relationships skills 101. It's normal for romantic partners to want to see evidence whether it's a text or call or nice gesture from their loved one to know that the person is still interested. It's not unrealistic to expect that type of recognition if the person cares about you. Yes, they may not be able to do these things all the time, but it would be normal to expect some sort of contact a few times a week, especially if you don't see them regularly. Making a connection with someone and sustaining it are two different things. If you don't do things to show interest and maintain it, then people will start to feel ignored, unwanted, and even rejected. You can't simply view it from one side or assume "they should know I care about them, and that should be enough." Actions always speak more than words. For the relationship to continue, you have to want to consider and think about how your partner feels and how your actions affect them. You can't simply think about yourself and what's important to you.
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You are right. Some people just don't know how to have a relationship, or don't care. I'll give this another month (since we will be in the same city in a few days) and then bolt if it doesn't work. I have a feeling that this guy is inexperienced in relationships, which is odd for someone about to turn 30.
 
Anywhere But Here said:
This is all true if you are in a relationship. But are they in a relationship after dating for one month? And just because she had sex with him? I doubt it. Being that she has admitted to having communication issues with men, I'm sure she never communicated to him that sex means commitment in her world. So yes, actions do speak louder than words, but not everyone interprets actions the same way, especially if you barely know the person. His (possible) interpretation of her having sex with him? She was horny. That's it. Nothing more. I definitely wouldn't read 'relationship' into that.

If she wants more from a guy she hardly knows, than she needs to speak up.
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There's a childish way to deal with dating or relationships and the grown up way. He took the childish way out.

Although everything may not have been figured out between them, doesn't mean communication should suddenly stop taking place. If he sees she wanted more but he didn't, he could have been more up front. This idea of I'm just going to hide away or duck out is immature and irresponsible. If he communicated that he didn't want more, but yet she keeps pursuing, then yeah, she would then be responsible for own unwillingness to let go. However, not being clear and ignoring the person is just rude and bad manners, no matter how justified the person feels in not wanting to pursue anything more.

It's also a convenient cop out to say that because they hadn't agreed what the relationship was that this excuses the unwillingness to communicate. Simply because you have sex with someone casually, doesn't make this kind of response ok. A real adult owns their feelings and takes responsibility. Avoidance is child's play. Sounds more like game playing. This idea of I'm going to ignore someone until they go away is just rude, or acting as if you're interested and then ducking out, is not something to encourage or justify. It may be a popular way to deal with unwanted feelings or conflict, but it's just rude and a sign of immaturity.
 
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