Feeling boys

[Meira76]

I have two kids, aged 5 and 1,5 years, both boys. I have been wondering what their MBTI types might be; the younger one is still too young to be sure, but the older is probably ENFJ.

He is wonderfully loving boy, always eager for hugs etc. Although he is actually a bit under five (4 years and 11 months, he just learned to read and write, although slowly, and likes to write down his thoughts and feelings - at his great-grandmother's funeral he wrote spontaneously on a piece of paper "It is sad that grandma died". He is intelligent and sensitive boy, but is not particularly shy, either, but is eager to meet other kids and quick to start playing with them. Still, I am worried about him. I fear that when he goes to school (he is now in a kindergarten), he will have a hard time since he is so sensitive and, well, feeling; that kind of thing is usually not appreciated in boys, especially by his peers. How have you male INFJs here felt in childhood and adolescence? Could you be your feeling selves at school? Do you have any advice?

P.S. My husband and the kids' father is an ENFP, so the primary male model is F, too, if it helps.

 

[Brodskizzle]

If he really is an NFJ, he'll probably the develop the social skills necessary to make people like him, although if he isn't happy, he'll be very hard to deal with. When we were young, my ENFJ friend was extremely temperamental.

 

[CindyLou]

awwww he sounds like a wonderful, sweet little boy! <3

 

[Skathac]

Retrospective viewing, done alot of that over the years. I think encouraging his wanting to meet new people and enhancing his ability to socialize within group dynamics will go a long way in keeping him out of the pitfalls I struggled with. Encourage any hobby that aids in self expression, I discovered my love for playing music late in life and really wished I had gotten started when I was a child now. Video games, while a tremendous amount of fun, ended up being a drug that I was terribly dependent on. I sought anything that could be used as a tool of escape...books when I couldn't play games and video games the rest of the time. I showed an interest in girls at a young age and had family members tease me, not maliciously so but...it did make me question those feelings more than I should have. So when you notice that aspect waking up in him, nurture it...hopefully that will help with his self confidence when he actually makes it to the hormone rollercoaster of insanity.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

The F function isn't feminine at all. There are plenty of masculine feelings. An F character can end up being way tougher and have a lot more heart than a T. I believe the F function and the "warrior gene" are correlated (just my hypothesis). I always got along super good with the other boys, I was always with the "cool crowd", I was almost always the leader of my little clique, and I was probably the toughest one out of the whole group. So don't worry about the kid fitting in. All personality types have their own natural way of enhancing a community. If your kid can let his true colors show and be comfortable in his own skin, he will enhance any community he becomes part of naturally in his own unique way.

I personally would be scared to introduce a child to MBTI. It's already difficult figuring yourself out, it seems like operating under the assumption that you are a certain personality type would make the whole self-realization process more difficult. I think MBTI is most useful for young adults entering the work force who already have been through the quirkiness of adolescence.

Also having an ENFP as a father will be great for him. I'm guessing he will pick up a lot of great social skills from his father. He is also more likely to know that his parents love him if they have a tendency to express it AND show it. I love ENFP's by the way (my favorite type).

So in conclusion, I think you shouldn't worry about him being an F, and I don't think he should know about MBTI until he is older. MBTI can put people in boxes, not healthy.

 

[Tin Man]

"Feeling Boys". Not the best title for a thread which isn't about paedophilia.

I don't believe that you can type a child. Their brain's aren't yet fully developed and the experiences they have growing up will shape who they are. Of course if a child shows numerous characteristics of an NF, it's unlikely their type will change that much.

 

[MrDoobie]

The F function isn't feminine at all. There are plenty of masculine feelings. An F character can end up being way tougher and have a lot more heart than a T. I believe the F function and the "warrior gene" are correlated (just my hypothesis). I always got along super good with the other boys, I was always with the "cool crowd", I was almost always the leader of my little clique, and I was probably the toughest one out of the whole group. So don't worry about the kid fitting in. All personality types have their own natural way of enhancing a community. If your kid can let his true colors show and be comfortable in his own skin, he will enhance any community he becomes part of naturally in his own unique way.

See, I come from the opposite end. I was always a "femme" boy. I cried a lot and didn't generally get along with the other kids (I only had one friend), but that's probably because I had such a miserable home life, in retrospect. I would say the best you can do is be supportive of him and provide a loving, safe home for him. Even if he's a "femme" and the other kids make fun of him for it, I'm sure there will be more kids who appreciate how sensitive he is (and I'm sure his teachers will think he's just lovely as well). I wouldn't be terribly worried if I were you.

I've actually come to see my sensitivity as a gift, y'know? Most of the time I feel like a raw nerve and it's actually pretty exhilarating, to me.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

See, I come from the opposite end. I was always a "femme" boy. I cried a lot and didn't generally get along with the other kids (I only had one friend), but that's probably because I had such a miserable home life, in retrospect. I would say the best you can do is be supportive of him and provide a loving, safe home for him. Even if he's a "femme" and the other kids make fun of him for it, I'm sure there will be more kids who appreciate how sensitive he is (and I'm sure his teachers will think he's just lovely as well). I wouldn't be terribly worried if I were you.

I've actually come to see my sensitivity as a gift, y'know? Most of the time I feel like a raw nerve and it's actually pretty exhilarating, to me.

Exactly. If he is a bit femme but is a good person then that is how he will contribute to his community. And you are right, being sensitive to what others are feeling is a gift.

 

[MrDoobie]

Exactly. If he is a bit femme but is a good person then that is how he will contribute to his community. And you are right, being sensitive to what others are feeling is a gift.

I have to say though, I love stoics. A lot of my best friends are "T" types...

 

[Billy]

I have two kids, aged 5 and 1,5 years, both boys. I have been wondering what their MBTI types might be; the younger one is still too young to be sure, but the older is probably ENFJ.

He is wonderfully loving boy, always eager for hugs etc. Although he is actually a bit under five (4 years and 11 months, he just learned to read and write, although slowly, and likes to write down his thoughts and feelings - at his great-grandmother's funeral he wrote spontaneously on a piece of paper "It is sad that grandma died". He is intelligent and sensitive boy, but is not particularly shy, either, but is eager to meet other kids and quick to start playing with them. Still, I am worried about him. I fear that when he goes to school (he is now in a kindergarten), he will have a hard time since he is so sensitive and, well, feeling; that kind of thing is usually not appreciated in boys, especially by his peers. How have you male INFJs here felt in childhood and adolescence? Could you be your feeling selves at school? Do you have any advice?

P.S. My husband and the kids' father is an ENFP, so the primary male model is F, too, if it helps.

Heh, dont worry the real world will suck that right out of him in no time

 

[Billy]

I showed an interest in girls at a young age and had family members tease me, not maliciously so but...it did make me question those feelings more than I should have. So when you notice that aspect waking up in him, nurture it...hopefully that will help with his self confidence when he actually makes it to the hormone rollercoaster of insanity.

100% agree... I was teased mercilessly for having a crush on a girl in 3rd grade by my family. It is no wonder I was so fucking awkward around them until college when I finally began to not care what everyone else thought. It made me feel terrible and it fostered a sense of "NEVER tell mom and dad anything they will use it to humiliate me" and they did, they most certainly frickin did. Especially my mother.

 

[Billy]

See, I come from the opposite end. I was always a "femme" boy. I cried a lot and didn't generally get along with the other kids (I only had one friend), but that's probably because I had such a miserable home life, in retrospect. I would say the best you can do is be supportive of him and provide a loving, safe home for him. Even if he's a "femme" and the other kids make fun of him for it, I'm sure there will be more kids who appreciate how sensitive he is (and I'm sure his teachers will think he's just lovely as well). I wouldn't be terribly worried if I were you.

I've actually come to see my sensitivity as a gift, y'know? Most of the time I feel like a raw nerve and it's actually pretty exhilarating, to me.

Sensitivity is not femme. Its a form of heightened emotional perception.

 

[Sai]

dont worry, Chulo is right. Happened the same to me. Being an F doesnt mean you are girly. If he learns to deal with his surroundings he may even become a leader.

 

[MrDoobie]

Sensitivity is not femme. Its a form of heightened emotional perception.

Hence, femme in quotation marks. I was using "femme" as a way of describing how his classmates/society may or may not see him.

Being an F doesnt mean you are girly.

But so what if he is?

 

[Billy]

Hence, femme in quotation marks. Seeing as how in our culture sensitivity is seen as more feminine.

Yeah but why continue saying it if its subjectively dubious? Is cooking food femme? or hugging people femme? Those things are by our retarded social standards.

 

[MrDoobie]

Yeah but why continue saying it if its subjectively dubious? Is cooking food femme? or hugging people femme? Those things are by our retarded social standards.

To be succinct? Acknowledging that our culture will see him in a certain way and attempt to label him?

 

[Skathac]

100% agree... I was teased mercilessly for having a crush on a girl in 3rd grade by my family. It is no wonder I was so fucking awkward around them until college when I finally began to not care what everyone else thought. It made me feel terrible and it fostered a sense of "NEVER tell mom and dad anything they will use it to humiliate me" and they did, they most certainly frickin did. Especially my mother.

People/Parents tend to interact in a way that feels comfortable to them...not knowing how this creates distress in their offspring. Relating this to them later creates emotional strife within them(this sadness is not something I want, second guessing their decisions later in life as a parent). Avoiding this situation to begin with is best, but in us it is a hindsight situation. Then we couldn't best express how it was affecting us so they could understand a better way of nurturing our growing sense of self. Supremely agitating situation to look back upon but viewing how our experiences can possibly help others does make said agitation feel worthwhile. *chuckles*

 

[Billy]

To be succinct? Acknowledging that our culture will see him in a certain way and attempt to label him?

I am not really sure that thats succinct though, ya know? I mean being sensitive isn't seen so much as being femme like it used to be, especially after the 90s... good lord, with all the talk shows etc the 90s was absolutely dripping with sensitivity. The whole "mach man" thing became a parody of masculinity.

 

[Billy]

People/Parents tend to interact in a way that feels comfortable to them...not knowing how this creates distress in their offspring. Relating this to them later creates emotional strife within them(this sadness is not something I want, second guessing their decisions later in life as a parent). Avoiding this situation to begin with is best, but in us it is a hindsight situation. Then we couldn't best express how it was affecting us so they could understand a better way of nurturing our growing sense of self. Supremely agitating situation to look back upon but viewing how our experiences can possibly help others does make said agitation feel worthwhile. *chuckles*

Good points, I can say this, if I ever have children I know exactly what NOT to do. Try not to be like my parents as much as humanly possible. I got it from 2 ends, my mother was overbearing, I crushed on 2 girls I told her about and she TOLD THEM, told their mothers, even went so far as to have some sort of fucked up dating/sex talk with 1 of the girls (my friends sister) I was so humiliated I never spoke to that girl again more than a few words. Or any girls, it wasn't worth the risk. Then my father would humiliate me for being shy around them afterwards and mock me by pursing his lips and putting his head down almost like Rainman. I truly hated them. The worst part was when they got my idiotic little brothers involved, like the squaking fucking parrots they were they just repeated what my folks said, its no wonder I spent my entire adolescence locked in my bedroom away from them, being around them was painful. Fucking bastards.

 

[Skathac]

To be succinct? Acknowledging that our culture will see him in a certain way and attempt to label him?

I've felt a need for cultural change for awhile, not necessarily to better accept our presence because that feels a little too needy from my perspective...perhaps some innate level of understanding on their part that simply because the methodologies of interaction in another human being is different, doesn't make it "bad" in the truest sense of the word. If everyone could just accept people for who they are, not necessarily like it but just let em be if they aren't someone they want to associate with.