Escaping the careers my enneagram 3 parents drive me towards?

[Venom]

I have enneagram 3s as parents (ESFJ and ISTP). They view it as a logical succession: they were "successful", I'm "smart enough", and they have "invested so much to prepare me" that any complaining about corporate America is just laziness rather than it not actually fitting me. They swear I'll just grow out of it. That sounds more like " give up and go numb" to me...

I understand some of the success drive, I am 4w3 after all, but I don't get putting it literally above everything. I either want a job that feels right so that I don't care about free time (like when I was coaching youth sports during college -- felt great connecting with people) OR I want a tolerable job that gives me enough free time (I'll stop there as I know these jobs don't exist in downsized America unless it's gov with masters degrees aplenty). I just hate how the whole argument with my parents is always set so black and white: either you put up with the slave stuff, MAYBE in twenty years your family can enjoy a nice house n stuff while you continue to slave away and hate your job OR you will be poor and your family will resent you for being lazy. Of course they aren't is explicit, but I can read what they really want to tell me. Being a male INFJ seems to make things even more complicated for obvious reasons. Many of our ideal settings are pnt seen as "high achieving" and therefore not up to e3 snuff...

I'm 24, second "real job", and I'm not at the point of quitting yet, but how do I deal with my enneagram 3 parents who just don't seem to get it. To make things worse, I fear that all of their limiting beliefs have seeped into my subconscious over the years, scaring me straight from ever leaving corporate to find something that makes me happier...

 

[jujitime]

Sounds like your grandparents may not have been as successful as your parents are. Was that the case? If your parents grew up in a poor family it could explain why they want you to have more opportunities than they had. Maybe if you can take their past into consideration you will understand why they are this way today.

It is so important for your future mental state to know how to deal with different personalities. Even when you find something that makes you happier, I can almost guarantee that you will have to work with an enneagram 3 type. So, I agree with you that you should do what makes you happy but it is not always practical. I would suggest that you value the lessons you can take from your parents' experiences but remember that there is much more out there to learn.

 

[Venom]

Sounds like your grandparents may not have been as successful as your parents are. Was that the case? If your parents grew up in a poor family it could explain why they want you to have more opportunities than they had. Maybe if you can take their past into consideration you will understand why they are this way today.

It is so important for your future mental state to know how to deal with different personalities. Even when you find something that makes you happier, I can almost guarantee that you will have to work with an enneagram 3 type. So, I agree with you that you should do what makes you happy but it is not always practical. I would suggest that you value the lessons you can take from your parents' experiences but remember that there is much more out there to learn.

Thanks for the reply. ESFJ mom: her dad was a HS teacher and she definitely resents the fact that he would be "home all the time" and yet they "felt poor" as if he owed the family more or something. She somehow developed all of these expensive tastes from *that* upbringing! (walking advertisement of ESFJ 3 she is!). ISTP dad: his dad was/is very successful as an investor and attorney. My grandpa was an incredible saver. He grew up depression era and is very low maintenance and frugal in some sense. He knew how to drop the hammer on carefully thought out big purchases however. My dad is less into 3ness for social respect as he is for just the love of the game (as you'd expect an ISTP 3 to differ from ESFJ).

I know how to get into the 3 success mindset as I've done it before. Ive done the whole "work day and night 70+" hours for some of the coaching jobs I did college summers. I understand how rewarding it can be to be competitive. ...Im just frustrated and resent the fact that the only socially acceptable outlet for this is "business/money pursuit". The elephant in the room is the classic "how would you support a family on that salary?". When I get down into these arguments with my parents it inevitably leads to the how much is enough? What's the "minimum" for society to not think your a lazy sack who doesn't support his family? "100k? 250k? 500k? Millions?". I just... Ugh ... I'm so sick of the way the conversation is defined. Any more advice?

 

[invisible]

it's your life!

 

[Sriracha]

When your parents care about you, all they ultimately want is for you to be happy.

A parent's job is to guide their children as they grow and yes influencing them if they see they are lost. I think it is quite possible your parents have not learned to let go and remember, they have no reason to as long as you listen to them. They have not scarred you, they are your greatest support!! It's time for you to have a "cutting the umbilical cord" ceremony, let them know you are an adult and can make decisions for your own life now.

It will hurt them, but it's part of life and they will understand.

 

[Blind Bandit]

When your parents care about you, all they ultimately want is for you to be happy.

A parent's job is to guide their children as they grow and yes influencing them if they see they are lost. I think it is quite possible your parents have not learned to let go and remember, they have no reason to as long as you listen to them. They have not scarred you, they are your greatest support!! It's time for you to have a "cutting the umbilical cord" ceremony, let them know you are an adult and can make decisions for your own life now.

It will hurt them, but it's part of life and they will understand.

I agree , but be careful some parents will take things the wrong way.

 

[arbygil]

Well, [MENTION=4423]Sriracha[/MENTION] and [MENTION=630]Blind Bandit[/MENTION] are both right, and you're old enough to make some of these decisions for yourself...but you'll also have to do it on your own, too. If you decide on a different path than the one they want for you, then don't expect any financial help from them. There's a book out there called "What Color is Your Parachute" that contains an amazing quote - Do what you love, and the money will follow. Now in these hard financial times that's not necessarily true, but the point is a valid one: If you're doing something you love, you'll make it work for yourself. You'll put in the overtime, you'll find new ways of working...you'll find ways of bringing in additional income. You'll do this naturally, because you'll be doing what you were born to do. Mind you, this can be tough if you know you were born to be a painter or a writer or a dancer because they typically don't make a lot in the first place. BUT. If you're doing a job you hate, you'll either end up quitting over and over again to try and find something that just makes you feel "normal" rather than bad. You'll end up going on a job horror treadmill for years until you're brave enough to say, "that's it, I'm done; I'm going to do something I want for a change."

It's all up to you, though.

Parents are parents, and they want what's best for you...but only you know what's best for you.

 

[Lerxst]

I have enneagram 3s as parents (ESFJ and ISTP). They view it as a logical succession: they were "successful", I'm "smart enough", and they have "invested so much to prepare me" that any complaining about corporate America is just laziness rather than it not actually fitting me. They swear I'll just grow out of it. That sounds more like " give up and go numb" to me...

I understand some of the success drive, I am 4w3 after all, but I don't get putting it literally above everything. I either want a job that feels right so that I don't care about free time (like when I was coaching youth sports during college -- felt great connecting with people) OR I want a tolerable job that gives me enough free time (I'll stop there as I know these jobs don't exist in downsized America unless it's gov with masters degrees aplenty). I just hate how the whole argument with my parents is always set so black and white: either you put up with the slave stuff, MAYBE in twenty years your family can enjoy a nice house n stuff while you continue to slave away and hate your job OR you will be poor and your family will resent you for being lazy. Of course they aren't is explicit, but I can read what they really want to tell me. Being a male INFJ seems to make things even more complicated for obvious reasons. Many of our ideal settings are pnt seen as "high achieving" and therefore not up to e3 snuff...

I'm 24, second "real job", and I'm not at the point of quitting yet, but how do I deal with my enneagram 3 parents who just don't seem to get it. To make things worse, I fear that all of their limiting beliefs have seeped into my subconscious over the years, scaring me straight from ever leaving corporate to find something that makes me happier...

I know the type of job you want, it's the same as the type I had and am looking for again. Trust me, you're better off finding something you can really develop a passion for over just a "job". Most of the jobs you'll find like that though won't exactly make you rich and will probably make your parents think you're a little more insane. I know that for a fact!

I'll avoid saying that your parents should/will understand since I know people who have been cut off from their families for not doing what they were "supposed" to do with their lives. No matter how much you might not want to let your parents down though, you're the one who has to live inside your head 24/7. At some point you'll need to confront your parents about your choice and its better to do that while you're still somewhat sane rather than wait to the point of insanity to have that argument!

 

[Ryo]

I know exactly what you mean because I was there a few years ago. For me, I eventually realized that it was easier to blame my parents and focus on their lack of understanding than it was to face the reality of the situation. I was attracted to the status and the "game" in some ways but I also knew I wanted more. That was a really hard dillemma and I didn't really see a way out. So instead I just fought my parents instead of fighting for my own future.

My advice: your parents have a legitimate perspective which it sounds like you don't entirely disagree with. Your opportunity is to build on their goals and add your own. You'll have your own path but take responsibility for it. They're not forcing you to follow their plan. You're choosing to do it. Own up to that and make your own courageous choices.