ENTP and INFJ, don't really know what to do anymore

[High Grade Duck]

We used to be so close, in fact i loved him (we are both dudes and he knows i am gay).. even though he couldn't reciprocate because he's in a relationship (with a girl), but he'd get really jealous and possessive (this doesn't happen with other friend of his) while i am with other friends, this is when i start distancing myself from others as well to cater for his feelings. So i do think he cares, a lot... and we got really close when his relationship was not working well and he needed emotional support, but of course later it seems like it was back to normal. and really i was fine with that because i love him and i just want him to stay happy.

But of course after that we had a talk of setting boundaries and i told him i would no longer love him because it might have been a burden for him. feel like i can return to my usual self of being a extravert and just distance myself a bit from him.... but i still really want to salvage this friendship..

And now i just gets doorslammed, or i guess sort of a doorslam because we see each other at work but he'd ignore me and only talk to me while necessary, i texted him to ask and he says we are still friends and i asked him exactly how much distance he wants to keep, frequency of me contacting him etc.. but even when i followed exactly what he told me, and goes beyond what he told me in order to respect his boundaries, (maybe only talk to him a few sentence a day even though he said we could just act like "normal" friends)... I could see how tired he was everytime he has to interact with me, it feels so forced and i always get so guilty for making him feel like that. It feels like it's only because of work harmony that he is not completely doorslamming me, sometimes it feels like he doesn't want me to feel bad so he is trying hard to reply to my interactions.. either way i do not want to force him.

Now i just began to blame myself for everything bad i might've done to him , (even though i think the truth is that in our relationship, we have both made wrong decisions and caused pain for each other, but there were also so many memories of happiness) and i am considering if it will be better if i just completely stop all interactions with him to give him peace of mind... but i am also afraid in doing so it would hurt him even more as if i didn't care about him.

Really, i just wish him to stay happy, and now i've realised that i am the reason for his unhappiness... it's saddening but it's also the reality.

I know i haven't been clear with all the details because there is just so much things that has happened, i just want some input and to see other's perspective and advice on this matter. Sorry for the long post and bad english...

 

[Deleted member 16771]

We used to be so close, in fact i loved him (we are both dudes and he knows i am gay).. even though he couldn't reciprocate because he's in a relationship (with a girl), but he'd get really jealous and possessive (this doesn't happen with other friend of his) while i am with other friends, this is when i start distancing myself from others as well to cater for his feelings. So i do think he cares, a lot... and we got really close when his relationship was not working well and he needed emotional support, but of course later it seems like it was back to normal. and really i was fine with that because i love him and i just want him to stay happy.

But of course after that we had a talk of setting boundaries and i told him i would no longer love him because it might have been a burden for him. feel like i can return to my usual self of being a extravert and just distance myself a bit from him.... but i still really want to salvage this friendship..

And now i just gets doorslammed, or i guess sort of a doorslam because we see each other at work but he'd ignore me and only talk to me while necessary, i texted him to ask and he says we are still friends and i asked him exactly how much distance he wants to keep, frequency of me contacting him etc.. but even when i followed exactly what he told me, and goes beyond what he told me in order to respect his boundaries, (maybe only talk to him a few sentence a day even though he said we could just act like "normal" friends)... I could see how tired he was everytime he has to interact with me, it feels so forced and i always get so guilty for making him feel like that. It feels like it's only because of work harmony that he is not completely doorslamming me, sometimes it feels like he doesn't want me to feel bad so he is trying hard to reply to my interactions.. either way i do not want to force him.

Now i just began to blame myself for everything bad i might've done to him , (even though i think the truth is that in our relationship, we have both made wrong decisions and caused pain for each other, but there were also so many memories of happiness) and i am considering if it will be better if i just completely stop all interactions with him to give him peace of mind... but i am also afraid in doing so it would hurt him even more as if i didn't care about him.

Really, i just wish him to stay happy, and now i've realised that i am the reason for his unhappiness... it's saddening but it's also the reality.

I know i haven't been clear with all the details because there is just so much things that has happened, i just want some input and to see other's perspective and advice on this matter. Sorry for the long post and bad english...

What are your ages?

When you say you 'love him', do you mean romantically?

 

[Krypton]

Do you know why he's distancing himself from you? I feel like that might help you figure out what to do next.

What did you mean when you said he got possessive when you were with other friends?

 

[High Grade Duck]

Do you know why he's distancing himself from you? I feel like that might help you figure out what to do next.

What did you mean when you said he got possessive when you were with other friends?

it's just a typical infj being jealous and insecure because i put attention on people other than him. he'd get really fidgety and uncomfortable, then stand up and walk over to check on whats going on while staring at me begging for affection/attention lol.


-----------------anyway
we had a chat and i think everything is clear and fine now, basically after his relationship with his gf strengthened and healed, he has to distance himself from me in order to not dislike me, because if i had cross the "friendship - love" boundary again it would mean he can no longer accept me as a friend. (it was lucky that a specific situation happened which allowed me to confront him in order to force the door-slam open, as the doorslam was in my opinion, partly because of some misunderstandings that needs to be cleared.)

well, and the other reason that i suspect (actually i am sure because my romantical feelings were reciprocated a few times we go out together, luckily it didn't go too sexual besides just some skinship） is that... he needs some time too to distance himself from me, in order to not get tempted into crossing that boundary himself and causing a potential cheating scenario to happen which would be detrimental to all of us.

anyhow i think things are solved and they are going in a good direction, i stated from all angles on why i could stop loving him romantically and see him as a friend, and he also stated that he does not want me to like him anymore. (we understand each other on a good level so it wasn't hard for us to express our points subtlely but knowing that each other would understand)

i am still young and it's my first time having experienced such a close relationship, and for him it's his first time where his same-sex friendship crossed boundaries, either way i was super sorry and apologetic towards the fact that i did such a terrible thing, but the good thing is through this experience he taught me so much and now i strive to be a better, more moral person and wish to help others to become better as well in the future.

a great example of infj-entp mentorship relationship where we both got some great insights and self-improvement. (although it was really immoral almost, but there wasn't really any harm done and we didn't do anything that cross the line besides things like eyecontact and shoulder rubbing.) i am still terribly guilty though and sorry. (but this was also because of his gf's financial issue and lack of communication problem where it caused him insecurity and feeling that she's cheating on him)

either way if we wanted to, we could find excuses to justify some of those actions, but i myself personally are deeply reflecting on this matter, and really feel the need to become a better person in the future, there was still in my opinion, so much damage done to both him and me despite the results being acceptable

we are both in our early twenties and he's 2 years older than me (20 and 22)

 

[Pin]

Honestly, the only way to be successful in love is to be as ruthless as Joseph Stalin.

Get so successful that the person you love can't ignore you. Master your professional life and get to the top of the game.

Once you're on top, they'll smile at you because they're scared shitless of what you can to your enemies.

"Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."
-Henry Kissinger