gretch
Four
- MBTI
- ENFP
Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship with an INFJ man for about 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, but I am finding myself very confused and hurt by him lately. I was hoping that you would be able to help shed some light on things for me.
He has been a full-time student (otherwise unemployed) for a little over a year. While he seemed to enjoy this arrangement for awhile, the stress of being "broke" is clearly taking its toll. Twice within the last 7 months, his reaction to stress seems to have completely shut himself off from intimacy. This is disturbing to me. The last time this happened we ended up arguing about it, I said something completely awful while drinking, and it took over a month for him to tell me what I said. I was horrified, and apologized profusely. I am scared of this happening again, so I am reluctant to tell him now that this is bothering me.
Specifically, he is full of mixed signals. He keeps in regular contact, still comes over consistently, and still shows interest in having me around. However, all physical intimacy is gone (aside from a quick peck when he leaves). Not to mention his transparency, one of the parts that I love most about him is gone as well. It feels like he is hiding from me, and I don't understand why. He speaks of love now as some sort of annoying and ridiculous notion. Not between us specifically, but in general.
He has one other really close friend that he "hangs out" with regularly. He used to have no problem telling me when the two of them have plans. I never asked him to tell me everything he does he just always did it. I really liked that about him, and told him so. It made me feel safe. He has stopped doing that. Although he never had to, and it's definitely not something to get mad about, the change is very noticeable. Add to that his career dreams. He wants to move to Colorado and work in a National Park. This is a tricky thing for me to navigate. He has asked me repeatedly to tell him how I feel and when I have concerns or problems. I am really trying to do this. I understand it's healthier than bottling things up. So I told him that while the thought of him getting a job like that is perfect for him, and I would be very excited for him on the one hand, on the other hand I don't see how I could follow him. I have children from a previous marriage, and their life is here. The last thing I want is to hold him back. The thought of being resented terrifies me. It's a tricky situation. I don't want him to go, yet I want more than anything for him to be happy, even if it means I lose him. I don't think I have conveyed that very well. Or if I did, it has only seemed to add to his confusion, our distance, and his lack of transparency. He doesn't talk to me about his plans anymore. Not only do I feel left out, but I am scared that he's making plans without telling me. One way or another hiding from the problem isn't going to make it go away. If anything, it will only make it that much harder if he does leave because it will have been sprung on me. I have told him that I need time to adjust and prepare myself. I need to have time to detach emotionally. Is that too much to ask?
He has always had a tendency to blow hot and cold. While he says that he doesn't have trust issues, I intuitively know that he does, and for good reasons. He hasn't had the easiest life. Not to mention, the only other serious long-term relationship he has had was a disaster. They were volatile to say the least. We aren't like that at all, but he keeps saying, "If it happened before, it can happen again". So he's clearly in full-out self-protection mode. While I sorta understand that, I also feel that it's highly unfair. I don't like feeling like I am paying for the sins of someone else.
So I guess what I am asking for here is advice and clarity. I'm starting to feel quite hopeless. I told him that I felt like I was "in the way" now, to which I got a simple one word answer..."No". So now what? What does he want? How can I address my need for continued closeness while he figures out his life outside of me? Is that even possible? Please help, I feel so lost. I am deeply in love with him and want this to work.
Thank you in advance.
He has been a full-time student (otherwise unemployed) for a little over a year. While he seemed to enjoy this arrangement for awhile, the stress of being "broke" is clearly taking its toll. Twice within the last 7 months, his reaction to stress seems to have completely shut himself off from intimacy. This is disturbing to me. The last time this happened we ended up arguing about it, I said something completely awful while drinking, and it took over a month for him to tell me what I said. I was horrified, and apologized profusely. I am scared of this happening again, so I am reluctant to tell him now that this is bothering me.
Specifically, he is full of mixed signals. He keeps in regular contact, still comes over consistently, and still shows interest in having me around. However, all physical intimacy is gone (aside from a quick peck when he leaves). Not to mention his transparency, one of the parts that I love most about him is gone as well. It feels like he is hiding from me, and I don't understand why. He speaks of love now as some sort of annoying and ridiculous notion. Not between us specifically, but in general.
He has one other really close friend that he "hangs out" with regularly. He used to have no problem telling me when the two of them have plans. I never asked him to tell me everything he does he just always did it. I really liked that about him, and told him so. It made me feel safe. He has stopped doing that. Although he never had to, and it's definitely not something to get mad about, the change is very noticeable. Add to that his career dreams. He wants to move to Colorado and work in a National Park. This is a tricky thing for me to navigate. He has asked me repeatedly to tell him how I feel and when I have concerns or problems. I am really trying to do this. I understand it's healthier than bottling things up. So I told him that while the thought of him getting a job like that is perfect for him, and I would be very excited for him on the one hand, on the other hand I don't see how I could follow him. I have children from a previous marriage, and their life is here. The last thing I want is to hold him back. The thought of being resented terrifies me. It's a tricky situation. I don't want him to go, yet I want more than anything for him to be happy, even if it means I lose him. I don't think I have conveyed that very well. Or if I did, it has only seemed to add to his confusion, our distance, and his lack of transparency. He doesn't talk to me about his plans anymore. Not only do I feel left out, but I am scared that he's making plans without telling me. One way or another hiding from the problem isn't going to make it go away. If anything, it will only make it that much harder if he does leave because it will have been sprung on me. I have told him that I need time to adjust and prepare myself. I need to have time to detach emotionally. Is that too much to ask?
He has always had a tendency to blow hot and cold. While he says that he doesn't have trust issues, I intuitively know that he does, and for good reasons. He hasn't had the easiest life. Not to mention, the only other serious long-term relationship he has had was a disaster. They were volatile to say the least. We aren't like that at all, but he keeps saying, "If it happened before, it can happen again". So he's clearly in full-out self-protection mode. While I sorta understand that, I also feel that it's highly unfair. I don't like feeling like I am paying for the sins of someone else.
So I guess what I am asking for here is advice and clarity. I'm starting to feel quite hopeless. I told him that I felt like I was "in the way" now, to which I got a simple one word answer..."No". So now what? What does he want? How can I address my need for continued closeness while he figures out his life outside of me? Is that even possible? Please help, I feel so lost. I am deeply in love with him and want this to work.
Thank you in advance.
