[INFJ] - ENFP woman INFJ man relationship issues | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] ENFP woman INFJ man relationship issues

gretch

Four
Feb 3, 2014
4
0
0
MBTI
ENFP
Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship with an INFJ man for about 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, but I am finding myself very confused and hurt by him lately. I was hoping that you would be able to help shed some light on things for me.
He has been a full-time student (otherwise unemployed) for a little over a year. While he seemed to enjoy this arrangement for awhile, the stress of being "broke" is clearly taking its toll. Twice within the last 7 months, his reaction to stress seems to have completely shut himself off from intimacy. This is disturbing to me. The last time this happened we ended up arguing about it, I said something completely awful while drinking, and it took over a month for him to tell me what I said. I was horrified, and apologized profusely. I am scared of this happening again, so I am reluctant to tell him now that this is bothering me.
Specifically, he is full of mixed signals. He keeps in regular contact, still comes over consistently, and still shows interest in having me around. However, all physical intimacy is gone (aside from a quick peck when he leaves). Not to mention his transparency, one of the parts that I love most about him is gone as well. It feels like he is hiding from me, and I don't understand why. He speaks of love now as some sort of annoying and ridiculous notion. Not between us specifically, but in general.
He has one other really close friend that he "hangs out" with regularly. He used to have no problem telling me when the two of them have plans. I never asked him to tell me everything he does he just always did it. I really liked that about him, and told him so. It made me feel safe. He has stopped doing that. Although he never had to, and it's definitely not something to get mad about, the change is very noticeable. Add to that his career dreams. He wants to move to Colorado and work in a National Park. This is a tricky thing for me to navigate. He has asked me repeatedly to tell him how I feel and when I have concerns or problems. I am really trying to do this. I understand it's healthier than bottling things up. So I told him that while the thought of him getting a job like that is perfect for him, and I would be very excited for him on the one hand, on the other hand I don't see how I could follow him. I have children from a previous marriage, and their life is here. The last thing I want is to hold him back. The thought of being resented terrifies me. It's a tricky situation. I don't want him to go, yet I want more than anything for him to be happy, even if it means I lose him. I don't think I have conveyed that very well. Or if I did, it has only seemed to add to his confusion, our distance, and his lack of transparency. He doesn't talk to me about his plans anymore. Not only do I feel left out, but I am scared that he's making plans without telling me. One way or another hiding from the problem isn't going to make it go away. If anything, it will only make it that much harder if he does leave because it will have been sprung on me. I have told him that I need time to adjust and prepare myself. I need to have time to detach emotionally. Is that too much to ask?
He has always had a tendency to blow hot and cold. While he says that he doesn't have trust issues, I intuitively know that he does, and for good reasons. He hasn't had the easiest life. Not to mention, the only other serious long-term relationship he has had was a disaster. They were volatile to say the least. We aren't like that at all, but he keeps saying, "If it happened before, it can happen again". So he's clearly in full-out self-protection mode. While I sorta understand that, I also feel that it's highly unfair. I don't like feeling like I am paying for the sins of someone else.
So I guess what I am asking for here is advice and clarity. I'm starting to feel quite hopeless. I told him that I felt like I was "in the way" now, to which I got a simple one word answer..."No". So now what? What does he want? How can I address my need for continued closeness while he figures out his life outside of me? Is that even possible? Please help, I feel so lost. I am deeply in love with him and want this to work.
Thank you in advance.
 
Hi There,

It's so difficult when you're in love with someone and suddenly you find yourself questioning things. You're the only one that knows what your relationship is like, so I can only speak to my experience and what I did for clarity.

I would ask yourself these questions: What am I giving to this relationship? What am I getting from this relationship? Do the good things and good times, outweigh the bad? If this was my friend or my daughter, what would I think of this relationship and what advice would I give them?

It's hard to be objective in such an emotional situation, but it will help.

I would also say that you need to be upfront with him about how you're feeling and your concerns- this includes the long distance potential.

I'm not sure if that helps. I can't speak to what he's thinking or his actions, all I can tell you is that you need to be open and honest...and if that can't be done, then think about whether or not that's a critical quality of a relationship you want.
 
Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship with an INFJ man for about 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of ups and downs, but I am finding myself very confused and hurt by him lately. I was hoping that you would be able to help shed some light on things for me.
He has been a full-time student (otherwise unemployed) for a little over a year. While he seemed to enjoy this arrangement for awhile, the stress of being "broke" is clearly taking its toll. Twice within the last 7 months, his reaction to stress seems to have completely shut himself off from intimacy. This is disturbing to me. The last time this happened we ended up arguing about it, I said something completely awful while drinking, and it took over a month for him to tell me what I said. I was horrified, and apologized profusely. I am scared of this happening again, so I am reluctant to tell him now that this is bothering me.
Specifically, he is full of mixed signals. He keeps in regular contact, still comes over consistently, and still shows interest in having me around. However, all physical intimacy is gone (aside from a quick peck when he leaves). Not to mention his transparency, one of the parts that I love most about him is gone as well. It feels like he is hiding from me, and I don't understand why. He speaks of love now as some sort of annoying and ridiculous notion. Not between us specifically, but in general.
He has one other really close friend that he "hangs out" with regularly. He used to have no problem telling me when the two of them have plans. I never asked him to tell me everything he does he just always did it. I really liked that about him, and told him so. It made me feel safe. He has stopped doing that. Although he never had to, and it's definitely not something to get mad about, the change is very noticeable. Add to that his career dreams. He wants to move to Colorado and work in a National Park. This is a tricky thing for me to navigate. He has asked me repeatedly to tell him how I feel and when I have concerns or problems. I am really trying to do this. I understand it's healthier than bottling things up. So I told him that while the thought of him getting a job like that is perfect for him, and I would be very excited for him on the one hand, on the other hand I don't see how I could follow him. I have children from a previous marriage, and their life is here. The last thing I want is to hold him back. The thought of being resented terrifies me. It's a tricky situation. I don't want him to go, yet I want more than anything for him to be happy, even if it means I lose him. I don't think I have conveyed that very well. Or if I did, it has only seemed to add to his confusion, our distance, and his lack of transparency. He doesn't talk to me about his plans anymore. Not only do I feel left out, but I am scared that he's making plans without telling me. One way or another hiding from the problem isn't going to make it go away. If anything, it will only make it that much harder if he does leave because it will have been sprung on me. I have told him that I need time to adjust and prepare myself. I need to have time to detach emotionally. Is that too much to ask?
He has always had a tendency to blow hot and cold. While he says that he doesn't have trust issues, I intuitively know that he does, and for good reasons. He hasn't had the easiest life. Not to mention, the only other serious long-term relationship he has had was a disaster. They were volatile to say the least. We aren't like that at all, but he keeps saying, "If it happened before, it can happen again". So he's clearly in full-out self-protection mode. While I sorta understand that, I also feel that it's highly unfair. I don't like feeling like I am paying for the sins of someone else.
So I guess what I am asking for here is advice and clarity. I'm starting to feel quite hopeless. I told him that I felt like I was "in the way" now, to which I got a simple one word answer..."No". So now what? What does he want? How can I address my need for continued closeness while he figures out his life outside of me? Is that even possible? Please help, I feel so lost. I am deeply in love with him and want this to work.
Thank you in advance.

He probably feels like you rejected him, especially if you didn't articulate yourself well enough as to why you don't think you can move with him. He's probably just as sad and confused as you are, if not a little angry. Building up a wall so he can get away unscathed. You should have an in depth talk with him about it, that you want to go but feel like you can't, and what you two can do as you still have feelings for him. You're going to have to put yourself on the line if you want to keep him in your life. I'll say when someone tells me in depth what I mean to them, it's pretty amazing. I'd say find the courage in yourself to confide in him what he means to you, but that'd be harder if you don't feel safe anymore and from what you're saying I doubt he feels safe either.

Try. The worst that can happen is you'll lose him forever. If you don't try, the worst that can happen is you'll lose him forever. It's better to try than to not.
 
He probably feels like you rejected him, especially if you didn't articulate yourself well enough as to why you don't think you can move with him. He's probably just as sad and confused as you are, if not a little angry. Building up a wall so he can get away unscathed. You should have an in depth talk with him about it, that you want to go but feel like you can't, and what you two can do as you still have feelings for him. You're going to have to put yourself on the line if you want to keep him in your life. I'll say when someone tells me in depth what I mean to them, it's pretty amazing. I'd say find the courage in yourself to confide in him what he means to you, but that'd be harder if you don't feel safe anymore and from what you're saying I doubt he feels safe either.

Try. The worst that can happen is you'll lose him forever. If you don't try, the worst that can happen is you'll lose him forever. It's better to try than to not.

I think the problem is that I have made it known that I don't want him to go. So now he censors himself. There are no solid plans yet, that I know, but it's still putting him in a tricky position. I understand that, but it's still really hard. I know we need to discuss it, but I'm not really sure how to broach the subject when he's already super stressed already about his life in general. He is in transition, I don't know of any other way to word it than that.
We have been through several rough patches, and always seem to come out stronger. I'm hoping that this will be the same, but I don't know. This is kind of huge.
 
If you don't mind my .02$ worth, if you decide to speak, perhaps you could approach it from the perspective of your fears about the situation? Many infj are likely to respond to the distress of those we care about. If you could do this in a non-blaming way with little of judgement it may be more likely to get an authentic response.

:m178: