ENFP asking advice on her INFJ boyfriend
- Thread starter knightchick007
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Are you really sure that this guy is an INFJ?
Most of the INFJ guys around here seem to need to be prodded into a relationships. There is lots of agonizing, self-questioning, examining every small conversation with the person they are interested in etc.
Generally, the sense I've gotten from the INFJ guys is by the time you realize they like you, they've probably already been interested in you for a long time.
The other thing that makes me question your beau's INFJ status is the fact that he wants a relationship with you but without the label.....
That strikes me as the total opposite reactions from the other INFJ guys around here. They all seem to want a relationship to be public and have no issues wanting everyone else to know it too.
In my experience however, the 'L' bomb can indeed freak out an INFJ if they have not completely finished processing their internal feelings for the other person. It kind of takes an INFJ a while to warm up to someone completely.
Most of the INFJ guys around here seem to need to be prodded into a relationships. There is lots of agonizing, self-questioning, examining every small conversation with the person they are interested in etc.
Generally, the sense I've gotten from the INFJ guys is by the time you realize they like you, they've probably already been interested in you for a long time.
The other thing that makes me question your beau's INFJ status is the fact that he wants a relationship with you but without the label.....
That strikes me as the total opposite reactions from the other INFJ guys around here. They all seem to want a relationship to be public and have no issues wanting everyone else to know it too.
In my experience however, the 'L' bomb can indeed freak out an INFJ if they have not completely finished processing their internal feelings for the other person. It kind of takes an INFJ a while to warm up to someone completely.
Yeah. I did prod him into the relationship. Like I forced him/ pressured him into asking me to be his gf. About the label thing he says he doesnt want to feel like obigated to hangout with me.
Several INFJs aren't very good at determining their own feelings, as we use Fe, not Fi. He's just being cautious, trying desperately not to hurt you. So, the deal with the word "love"; for an INFJ, that word means a huge deal. We are highly romantic beings, and feel that "Love" refers to what's found in fairy tales. However, we aren't certain really what it feels like, so we're leary of the word, and want to be 100% certain we truly love the person before we say so. This doesn't mean he's having doubts about the relationship or that he truly does care for you, he's simply afraid of accidentally defiling the sacred word that is "love." Essentially, take nothing of it, and just give him time.
Also, for getting him to open, he has to do it on his own time. Assuming he truly does care for you, it will happen, and faster than for anyone else, but the Introvert will still take time. Just make sure to listen to him when he does decide to talk, be active in the conversation, but beware cutting him off. INFJs sometimes like to take breaks between sentences or idea to gather their thoughts. try not to take these breaks as him finishing his part of the conversation, and allow him to gather his thoughts for a moment. If you don't, you may scare him off from opening up for a time. make sure to listen and he will provide. Also, know that him not saying "I love you" is not a problem of openness, but one of his uncertainty, as described above.
Also, for getting him to open, he has to do it on his own time. Assuming he truly does care for you, it will happen, and faster than for anyone else, but the Introvert will still take time. Just make sure to listen to him when he does decide to talk, be active in the conversation, but beware cutting him off. INFJs sometimes like to take breaks between sentences or idea to gather their thoughts. try not to take these breaks as him finishing his part of the conversation, and allow him to gather his thoughts for a moment. If you don't, you may scare him off from opening up for a time. make sure to listen and he will provide. Also, know that him not saying "I love you" is not a problem of openness, but one of his uncertainty, as described above.
He sounds like me when I am in that situation... he is hesitating for some reason, has he showed you to his loved ones yet? He sounds like an INFJ in shadow mode. seriously. I have been this way too, and the L bomb did send me running when i didnt want to be tied down.
Yes he has. I have met his parents sister and friends. After I told him I was falling I did say I am afraid of getting hurt and that I have to walk away from this because I am scared of him hurting me. And he got really upset and said that I was doing a great job of getting him to open up, and that I am stupid to run away from this and it is up to me what I want to do. I eventually said I wanted to stay with him.
Also. In a couple of weeks he is moving out of his family's house for the 1st time to go to college. We happen to be going to the same school. I am home for the summer but moving back in a couple weeks. He is terrified of leaving home and moving somewhere new.
Also. He was in love a couple years ago. Like deeply in love. She broke his heart, so since then he hasnt been able to be with anyone bc he is afraid of gettting hurt. So the past couple years he has learned to be independent emotionally.
What does this all mean??!
Also. In a couple of weeks he is moving out of his family's house for the 1st time to go to college. We happen to be going to the same school. I am home for the summer but moving back in a couple weeks. He is terrified of leaving home and moving somewhere new.
Also. He was in love a couple years ago. Like deeply in love. She broke his heart, so since then he hasnt been able to be with anyone bc he is afraid of gettting hurt. So the past couple years he has learned to be independent emotionally.
What does this all mean??!
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It can be different from person to person but from my own experience, the simple sign is; we are confused. When you get into deep conversations with him and are talking about relationships, and if he starts trying to talk about his emotions, thoughts, etc. but when he tries he can't fully do it. He says what he feels can't really accurately be described in words or also he admits he is very confused by what he feels (especially if it his first time falling in love).
Also pay attention to how we act. We won
Well that explains a lot. Being hurt can drive us into a shell and make it even harder for us a second time. He might be in love with you but is afraid of saying or showing it because he might get hurt. You have told him you love him which has put the pressure on him and if he does have feelings for you that was a good idea because that helps build up his security because he knows you love him.
Also he admitted that you are really helping him open up, which is a big sign that he likes you a lot. We don't open up to people we don't have strong feelings for. Becuase he was hurt, it's just going to take a lot more time to get him to open up enough to risk getting hurt again. My best advice is, just be patient. Don't get frustrated when he won't tell you every little thing that is on his mind or what he feels because that drives us away and makes us scared to show that side again.
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