Emotions and Validation

[Introvacist]

I've recently come to the realization that I'm a very emotional person. I've found that I have a need for my feelings to be validated by others, so that I feel useful or needed or loved, and especially by someone that I'm particularly close with.


My problem is that she (an ENTJ, I think,) doesn't seem to understand, or be able to always provide me with this sort of validation. I don't lack any empathy for her situation, she's in a place in her life where she has to find herself and be on her own, but I don't see why these needs can't coexist.


Do other INFJ's feel a need for this sort emotional validation? Do others have a hard time recognizing or giving it?


I hate extremes, but this is a difficult thing for me to deal with. It seems as though it's all or nothing, either I get the support I need to feel good about myself, to be happy and succeed, or I have to withdraw from the person completely, in order to protect myself and prevent continuing disappointment or pain. That's not something I want to have to do.


Any thoughts on how to stem this emotional hemorrhaging? Or how to deal with the need for emotional validation from others when they aren't in a position to give you what you need?


Thanks.

 

[Satya]

Do other INFJ's feel a need for this sort emotional validation? Do others have a hard time recognizing or giving it?

You should try arguing relentlessly. That is what I do.

But seriously, learning to validate yourself is just about the only way around this. Determine what rights and boundaries you have and consistently enforce them.

I hate extremes, but this is a difficult thing for me to deal with. It seems as though it's all or nothing, either I get the support I need to feel good about myself, to be happy and succeed, or I have to withdraw from the person completely, in order to protect myself and prevent continuing disappointment or pain. That's not something I want to have to do.

Although I have been guilty of the same crime, I strongly suggest that you learn to find the middle. There is nothing wrong with just being friends.

 

[Entyqua]

Oh my I could have written this myself when I first found this place! My husband is a INTP (I think) and the feelings just aren't there its not that he doesn't care for and love me, its that the expression of feeling or understanding feeling is alien to a NT.

Like Satya Said and I agree 100% you have to learn that you can validate your own feelings and just understand, OR Use your Intuition and empathy to KNOW that person really does love you unconditionally but is in no way able to express that love.

 

[entjForever]

My problem is that she (an ENTJ, I think,) doesn't seem to understand, or be able to always provide me with this sort of validation.


Thanks.

Why must you say its an ENTJ.

Well really ENTJ don't like to deal with emotions, but they understand situations easy so they don't see much need for emotions.

And when people say emotions they mean sadness. Cause I am sure if you were happy, she would be happy right along side you, but if your sad she would probably feel like running.

ENTJ don't like to deal with negative emotions. What you should ask is what they understand from their thinking that makes them see the situation so much different that they are unemotional.

But typical ENTJ reasoning is like this: Crying or being sad wouldn't help the situation, it probably my exacerbate it.

She might even try to convince you of her reason and hope you adopt that reasoning. Typically, people just want to express their hopelessness, when an ENTJ core belief is everything can be fix so they avoid persistently hopeless people.

 

[Introvacist]

learning to validate yourself is just about the only way around this....

...learn that you can validate your own feelings and just understand...

Learning how to validate yourself is easier said than done, and believe me, I've never had a problem with it before.

...Use your Intuition and empathy to KNOW that person really does love you...

This has popped into my head before as well, "She does care but she's just a different person with different ways of expressing herself."

The problem is that I feel like I'm spending so much time, energy, and emotion on her, doing things 'her way' because I understand how she works, that I should be getting something in return. No relationship is ever a one way street, and I'm tired of things always being someone else's way.

Regardless of the fact that I'm the only one that can ensure my own happiness, it seems off to me that I put so much effort into trying to make her happy, yet I'm still stuck being told that I should be the one "validating", i.e. helping, myself.

...There is nothing wrong with just being friends.

My issue is that just being around her is what provokes the need I feel for support or validation. Therefore, being "Just friends," isn't out of the question, but if we stay friends, I'm still going to have this need.

I've resigned myself to three options really:

A) I find the support I need in her, either by making her more keenly aware that I need it, or learning how to take what she gives me in such a way that it feels sufficient.

B) Finding it with someone else, so that we can remain "Just friends." (Which doesn't seem too likely...)

or

C) Taking her out of the picture completely. I would have no problems if I was on my own, cut out the cause and you remove the effect as well.


Of course, (A) isn't possible if her feelings don't coincide with mine, she's closer to me than anyone I've ever known, achieving that with someone else (B) will be difficult, and cutting someone so close to me right out of my life (C) is almost unthinkable.

 

[entjForever]

A) I find the support I need in her, either by making her more keenly aware that I need it, or learning how to take what she gives me in such a way that it feels sufficient.

I think A) is the right choice, and you should be more specific. what kind of validation you want from her when you say you want validation.

 

[Satya]

My issue is that just being around her is what provokes the need I feel for support or validation. Therefore, being "Just friends," isn't out of the question, but if we stay friends, I'm still going to have this need.

It might help if you stop thinking of it as a "need". Your desire for validation is not a necessity, and you will not die from failing to be emotionally validated. Looking to others to make you feel useful and needed is also not a healthy way to live your life. Every choice you make in your life should validate who you are and what you feel.

The question you should ask yourself is why you desire such emotional validation. You claim that it is so that you can satisfy a need for belonging and love, but you are perfectly alright with no longer associating with this person. It does not seem like you need a feeling of love and belonging, but desire an expression of love and belonging. Why do you desire such an expression from this person? Why isn't the fact that they want to be with you enough?

 

[Introvacist]

It might help if you stop thinking of it as a "need". Your desire for validation is not a necessity, and you will not die from failing to be emotionally validated. Looking to others to make you feel useful and needed is also not a healthy way to live your life. Every choice you make in your life should validate who you are and what you feel.

The question you should ask yourself is why you desire such emotional validation. You claim that it is so that you can satisfy a need for belonging and love, but you are perfectly alright with no longer associating with this person. It does not seem like you need a feeling of love and belonging, but desire an expression of love and belonging. Why do you desire such an expression from this person? Why isn't the fact that they want to be with you enough?

They aren't expressing a want to be with me. That's the point.

We don't feel the same way about each other, hence her inability to give me the support I "need". I say need because, unlike before when I was perfectly ok without something like this in my life, I feel differently now. It's not that I'm heavily reliant on others to feel any self worth at all, it's that at a time I really needed someone, and I turned to the only person I truly care for, they weren't there for me. It's not something that happens everyday, but it's not something I can let happen more.

And by the way, I am not "perfectly alright with no longer associating with this person", I love them very much, I never said that doing such a thing would be easy for me, let alone "perfectly alright."

The type of validation I mean, is validating the feelings I have for her. It shouldn't be so hard to figure out. The fact of the matter is, because we don't feel the same way, she can't validate me, end of story.

So what it really comes down to, if we want to remain friends, is me finding it with someone else, or totally shutting myself off to the world emotionally. And since, after all this, I'm really not in the mood to be feeling anything, I think the latter sounds much more appealing.

 

[Satya]

They aren't expressing a want to be with me. That's the point.

The point is, it sounds to me like you desire that they express that they want to be with you, not that you need them to be with you.

The type of validation I mean, is validating the feelings I have for her. It shouldn't be so hard to figure out.

That really isn't much better. It is still your feelings, that you want validated. That is your desire.

The fact of the matter is, because we don't feel the same way, she can't validate me, end of story.

If you know that is the case, then why is it an issue?

So what it really comes down to, if we want to remain friends, is me finding it with someone else, or totally shutting myself off to the world emotionally. And since, after all this, I'm really not in the mood to be feeling anything, I think the latter sounds much more appealing.

You are going to dichotomize your choices? Why not just be practical here and realize that part of being an emotional creature is you aren't always going to feel great about how things turn out? You sound like the child who doesn't want to get their hopes up in fear of dissapointment. Perhaps I have missed this, but have you clearly communicated to this person that you believe she doesn't want to be with you?

I just think you don't want to separate you desire to be emotionally validated, from your need to be with a person. It appears to me like you are trying to create an ultimatum where if you don't get what you desire, then you will sacrifice what you need. If that is the case, then that will ultimately be your choice.