Emotional awakening and relationships | INFJ Forum

Emotional awakening and relationships

Artemisia

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May 20, 2014
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According to this article, many women go through an emotional awakening sometime between the ages of 28-32. By this time, they realize their deeper emotional needs and their current relationships do not satisfy them any more. http://www.eharmony.com/blog/ladies-have-you-had-your-emotional-awakening-yet/#.VZEkakYnLvQ

I think this is an interesting theory as I feel I am going through this right now. I have only recently started prioritizing the emotional connection above every other aspect in a relationship and no longer want to be with emotionally unavailable men.

Do you agree with this theory? Also, do men go through a similar awakening at around the same age or later?
 
Makes sense. I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship until around 30ish. Didn't get married until I was 32.
 
I know I had an emotional awakening but it was in my early 20's. I sometimes think it was brought on much earlier then normal just due to the circumstances I was living with at the time. I do believe I was much more aware of myself then is typical though so the emotional awakening was probably not quite to the same level as others experience.
 
I think it is myopic to ascribe this type of self awareness to one gender.
 
yea, its the first saturn return; rite of passage into adulthood; everyone experiences it. But for women it can be experienced more on an emotional level. Many women change careers, leave relationships, find a new expression, have babies, get married, get divorced, etc - because the emotional cocoon that was appropriate is not appropriate when you enter into your 30's. The transition period from age 28 to about age 32 is intense but very much needed and the individual must do their part in the process. Of course; everyone has a choice and can just let things slide and not partake in the process; in which case the person will pay for it a lot later in life. We all know people who just seems to have never grown into maturity.

Emotional awakening is different for women in a sense that around that time a woman is also feeling her biological clock tick loudly. Concerns related to family, children, relationships and self esteem all play a big role. The gist of all the major process is learning to become aware and change the usual emotional reactions to events and situations. It may have worked in the 20's but with new emotional awareness comes better decision making, more decisiveness and overall sense that you are who you are and it's time to just accept it. Outdated emotional reactions and pitfalls are discarded for good; making a fresh slate to enter into real adulthood and all it entails.
 
According to this article, many women go through an emotional awakening sometime between the ages of 28-32. By this time, they realize their deeper emotional needs and their current relationships do not satisfy them any more. http://www.eharmony.com/blog/ladies-have-you-had-your-emotional-awakening-yet/#.VZEkakYnLvQ

I think this is an interesting theory as I feel I am going through this right now. I have only recently started prioritizing the emotional connection above every other aspect in a relationship and no longer want to be with emotionally unavailable men.

Do you agree with this theory? Also, do men go through a similar awakening at around the same age or later?

I agree very strongly with this. The climb into my current relationship started about 3 years ago and at that time I had no idea what I wanted or what I needed in a releationship. I had just been through a whirlwind with an INTJ that I thought I was in love with but wasn't. It was chaos, like the relationship that I had before. I had felt connected to those people in some aspects but I was not fulfilled.

Strangely, my current boyfriend and I have known each other over a decade now. We dated briefly in 2008 but didn't pursue a relationship. I feel like I had to walk through the fire and back and sort out who I was as a person and what I wanted for myself. I found that as I grew in my current relationship I began to realize not only where my previous SO's were lacking, but where I was lacking as well. My relationship is exceptionally stable and I didn't know how to handle that at the beginning. I kept expecting elements of what I thought relationships were all about that never showed up. I've grown exponentially as a person since then (I am now 30) and I feel like I am at peace with my own needs and desires. I cannot begin to describe how fulfilling it is and how this sort of mindset and peace sort of weaves into the rest of my life.

It doesn't surprise me that women go through an awakening in the latter part of their 20's. Every female friend of mine has gone through the same sort of thing and now all are in stable relationships and much happier.

I wonder if men go through a similar process.
 
SpecialEdition, when you say you went through hell and back, does this mean depression? I find that my feelings shift every hour now and I have become more aware than ever that I need a strong emotional connection with a man. I am also more willing to express vulnerability, something which is new for me. Were you dating various men before you got into the relationship with your boyfriend?
 
I was a late bloomer, and went through it later than most. I dealt with this from 32 onward. Now moving into late thirties, I know what I want but I also realize the need for compromise. I've come to realize that wanting and needing something doesn't mean you are going to get it. Also, world changes. More people are independent and are expected to handle more of their own needs without depending on a partner. What men and women expect of themselves and relationships today has changed.

Although a woman may want more from her relationship with a male partner, a partner may not be ready or able to meet those needs even if they are in the same age group. Many may not even believe that it's a partner's responsibility to meet those needs. Some partners believe it is the individual, family, or friends' responsibility to meet emotional needs, not them.

Today, people don't see themselves as responsible for someone's emotions. Rather, they believe meeting social, physical, or financial needs are understandable but anything beyond that is too much added expectation. Emotional needs are treated as signs of neediness or inability to handle one's own emotions. So, beware of expecting partners to meet those needs. Even if they care about you, they may not see it as their responsibility to meet those particular needs. So, yeah, know you are, be comfortable with it but realize each partner has different needs and wants and may value each other's needs differently.

What I have noticed in the social conditioning of Western culture is a tendency to focus on money, sex, and power/status as the be all or end all of everything while ignoring social and emotional aspects of a relationship, leading to poor communication skills, less empathy, and gross insensitivity. Relationships are more like competitions than partnerships. People are not focused on buidling long term relationship skills, only getting what they can in the short term. We've essentially lost that wholistic focus to relationships that goes beyond the temporal or superficial.

In other words, if we are going to have the partners we want, our society has to retrain itself to focus on more than the material or immediate gratification approach to relationships, and develop traits that benefit development of healthy relationships for partners in the long term, so that we are not jumping from one relationship to the other to have those needs met.
 
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Today, people don't see themselves as responsible for someone's emotions. Rather, they believe meeting social, physical, or financial needs are understandable but anything beyond that is too much added expectation. Emotional needs are treated as signs of neediness or inability to handle one's own emotions. So, beware of expecting partners to meet those needs. Even if they care about you, they may not see it as their responsibility to meet those particular needs. So, yeah, know you are, be comfortable with it but realize each partner has different needs and wants and may value each other's needs differently.

So what is the point of being in a relationship with someone, then, if that person isn't meeting your emotional needs? Isn't that a recipe for a failed relationship/marriage? If emotional needs are treated as signs of neediness, then it just shows you that the person who sees you as needy when you are being vulnerable is simply not the right person.
 
So what is the point of being in a relationship with someone, then, if that person isn't meeting your emotional needs? Isn't that a recipe for a failed relationship/marriage? If emotional needs are treated as signs of neediness, then it just shows you that the person who sees you as needy when you are being vulnerable is simply not the right person.

Not necessarily. It's just the world we live in. You can't always expect people to meet those needs if they don't see it as their responsibility to be there. It's also cultural as I already mentioned. Some cultures don't see particular needs as important because they are focused on other stuff. I've seen enough and observed enough to notice that this is not simply a matter of personal experience but a general pattern of behavior in how people think or behave today, at least in the region I'm in and the one I'm from. People lack or devalue social and emotional intelligence. It's just the way it is. People would rather tell someone to go see a therapist than try to help someone with their issues or deal with someone else's emotions, because they see it is "not their problem."
 
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That article makes women sound like immature users of men. It is not a very flattering portrayal. It describes women as jumping from relationship to relationship looking to have whatever supposed current need fulfilled and then dumping the guy when they they decide it's not what they want anymore. I'm not sure I would call that an 'emotional awakening'.
 
So as a general rule INFJs shouldn't bother with relationships with people under 27. Basically, every person, male or female, who is serious about a relationship shouldn't bother until this point.

This confirms my suspicions and rectifies the difficulties of my younger years. My emotional availability was not interesting to women. Probably in a sea of men(and women) who are emotionally children and/or are unavailable due to a variety of reasons, a man(or woman) who is actually emotionally available is difficult to perceive and even seems as though they are up to something and not to be trusted.

I suspect many people lie to themselves during this awakening, and stay locked into whatever circumstance they currently find themselves in, perhaps because if they are in a state that is "good enough" it is difficult to make that leap for something unknown.

This probably occurs at this age range because it is when the majority of people have fully achieved independence and gone through an era of sexual discovery, fully realising that sex (and all that sexual nature entails) is simply one facet and not the defining driver of a healthy, lasting relationship. Sure you can "know" this at an early age, but fully separating yourself from it and understanding the ramifications is another matter.
 
So as a general rule INFJs shouldn't bother with relationships with people under 27. Basically, every person, male or female, who is serious about a relationship shouldn't bother until this point.

This confirms my suspicions and rectifies the difficulties of my younger years. My emotional availability was not interesting to women. Probably in a sea of men(and women) who are emotionally children and/or are unavailable due to a variety of reasons, a man(or woman) who is actually emotionally available is difficult to perceive and even seems as though they are up to something and not to be trusted.

I suspect many people lie to themselves during this awakening, and stay locked into whatever circumstance they currently find themselves in, perhaps because if they are in a state that is "good enough" it is difficult to make that leap for something unknown.

This probably occurs at this age range because it is when the majority of people have fully achieved independence and gone through an era of sexual discovery, fully realising that sex (and all that sexual nature entails) is simply one facet and not the defining driver of a healthy, lasting relationship. Sure you can "know" this at an early age, but fully separating yourself from it and understanding the ramifications is another matter.

I couldn't agree more. So it seems true for men as well as women then, to judge by your account.
 
I couldn't agree more. So it seems true for men as well as women then, to judge by your account.

Indeed. The divide between male and female is not so great when we tear away falsities that have been spoon fed to us.
 
This question is for SpecialEdition: did you experience depressive symptoms and frequent crying during your awakening?
 
This question is for SpecialEdition: did you experience depressive symptoms and frequent crying during your awakening?

Hm. I had a lot of fear coming into this new relationship and had a lot of emotions that I needed to process. I had to figure out that my boyfriend wasn't going to punish me for X, Y and Z. I noticed that I became very emotional during physical intimacy where in the past I'd be kind of turned off physically and emotionally. Fortunately he has been very patient for me because a lot of new and old emotions have come out over the last couple of years and he just receives them without taking anything on. I have a difficult time identifying my emotions and the source of them. Sometimes they'll come out of left field and it takes me a long time to discover their source.

I cried a lot more than I had in many years. I had pretty steep lows while other parts of my life continued to dramatically improve. It was very bizarre that I felt so depressed but it would pass quickly.

I notice through this that my tolerance for things that I have "moved beyond" is exceptionally low. My ability to handle stress over bullshit is also very, very low. In some ways I feel like I am always on a short fuse except I don't know it until the switch is hit. But I manage it well and a lot of that is fading out now. I think I feel bitter about the bullshit I went through up until the point I realized how different my life could be because I could see it with more clarity.