Emergency: losingb my infj

[James]

What do you mean by positive manifest and confidence line set. Will that approach work with INFJs. Also what is your Myers-Briggs and what would convince you to get back together if someone broke up with you.

I think it's better to focus on how you can cope, and feel better whatever the outcome. Your partner is an individual not an mbti type.

Right now you're stressed and need to unwind. It's difficult, but try to distract yourself with whatever your hobbies are. Give yourself some chance to relax. Spend time with friends and family if you can.

I did a lot of walking and listening to music after breaking up with my partner. You had a life before this, and you still do now. I think if you give things time it may still all work out. But even if it doesn't, you'll be prepared for that as well.

I know its tough, but keep steering towards the things you enjoy in life. Then when you talk to her you'll be far more able to communicate.

What was the last film you watched? Step back into the regular life you lead. It will help.

 

[LostInTheForest]

Do you think I should map out something to say to her. I know infjs process things differently so I would have to speak in a way that she will understand for example if I were to just talk about the past only it would hurt and bring up bad memories but if I just say hey I'm really sorry about what happened and I'm really sorry about breaking up in the reason why I did was because I was under a lot of stress and it was an emotionally driven mistake and I'm really sorry. But I want to look to the Future and build something even better between us if we decide to get back together. It will be better it will be more Improvement and it will be stronger than ever before and that is something that I can look forward to. If we get back together I will definitely work to be more of the type of person I need to be in a relationship. I Look To The Future and I know that our relationship will be even stronger if we choose to get back together.

In other words since infjs far future orientated and think about possibilities I should structure my conversation in order to talk about the positive possibilities that could occur if we get back together. I should only bring up the past to ask for forgiveness and to talk about pretty much why it happened and then let it be and just think forward and move forward. How do I appeal to a infj in order to change their mind or influence them do I need to appeal to their Fe which takes into account how others feel so if I say hey I really really want to be with you and make this work and I'm hurting without you and I can't live life without you and I love you that will make her more inclined to take that information it in and feel it as well and then choose to want to be with me more so than me not wanting to be with her. And the sudden insights that she gets from her and I how can I make it that she can see the possibilities if a future with us rather than focusing on the past.

I hope you're not asking for some type of short cut to manipulate her into wanting you again. If you are talking to each other on a daily basis then that's good...just keep communicating! Be sincere with her and with yourself, you're both going to get way more out of this if you go at it that way.

 

[LostInTheForest]

Also do INFJs ever change their mind on taking back somebody once their Mind Is Made. How long does it take for a infj to make up their mind on a relationship whether they should rekindle it or let it go after a breakup.

Maybe you're making more of the INFJ thing than it really is. We're not from another planet or anything.

I can only speak for myself. When I care about someone, and let's just say they aren't interested that much and are moving on; ( which has happened more times than I'd like to admit) I tend to hang on way longer than I probably should. I really wish I knew how to forget them and bounce into another relationship, but it just doesn't work for me even though I've tried. It sucks!

In a case where I don't feel a deep connection with someone and cannot see a future with them, ( this is a requirement, by the way) it doesn't take long to move on, probably longer than most people I know, but I don't sit around thinking about them a year later after the fact like has happened in the first situation I mentioned. Well..on second thought I do, but it doesn't prevent me from moving on for as long as it does when it was something that I wanted to work out but didn't.

Does that make any sense?

Dang. I really need to get off this computer and go for a walk.

That's it. I've been online too long...I must...disconnect...now...

 

[CleverKate]

How did you guys go about reconnecting and making the relationship work after the break up. Also what are your Myers-Briggs. And what is a good thing to do after you guys broke up. How long were you guys broken up for and did you guys do no contact in order to give each other space and how long did you guys give each other space before you started talking about getting back together and when do you even bring up that conversation.

I am INFJ; he is INTP. I think the main way we reconnected was that we never stopped talking, and we always support each other as friends first. Every relationship is different, and though people may seem to fit into a certain type, everyone is still different. That said, in my situation, we were much younger (late teens - early twenties), and I initiated the breakup when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship; I worried about how young I was and how attached, yet lonely, I felt much of the time. We were only apart for a few weeks, but I still called him everyday, and he always took my call - he played the role of my best friend, not my ex. He helped me work through my own fears, and feelings, without interjecting his feelings, or persuading me to see things his way (though I know he was hurting). Sometimes we just talked about what we did that day, and didn't even discuss our relationship. We eventually agreed that we were happier together, and agreed that communication was was key for us, so that things don't build up until the dam breaks (it's hard work, but worth it).

There's no formula for how long to wait before reaching out. When I say to give each other space, please know that I don't mean to stop talking. I mean that not every conversation has to be about your relationship, or trying to convince her to forgive you and take you back. Personally, I think that's asking a lot given that you ended the relationship and it was months before you reconnected. Yes, you should say that you're sorry for the breakup and make it clear that you are happy to reconnect, but don't push for more than that right now. While it is promising that she is responding to your messages, I think you run the risk of pushing her away if you pressure her for a decision she's not ready to make.

Were you friends before you started dating? If so, trying going back to that and replicating your connection from that time. I say don't focus on the past, or the future, at this point. Focus on the present. If you focus on what connects you right now, and enjoy spending time together, maybe you can build upon that, and the future will become clear and start to feel achievable.

 

[Triedandtrue]

I am INFJ; he is INTP. I think the main way we reconnected was that we never stopped talking, and we always support each other as friends first. Every relationship is different, and though people may seem to fit into a certain type, everyone is still different. That said, in my situation, we were much younger (late teens - early twenties), and I initiated the breakup when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship; I worried about how young I was and how attached, yet lonely, I felt much of the time. We were only apart for a few weeks, but I still called him everyday, and he always took my call - he played the role of my best friend, not my ex. He helped me work through my own fears, and feelings, without interjecting his feelings, or persuading me to see things his way (though I know he was hurting). Sometimes we just talked about what we did that day, and didn't even discuss our relationship. We eventually agreed that we were happier together, and agreed that communication was was key for us, so that things don't build up until the dam breaks (it's hard work, but worth it).

There's no formula for how long to wait before reaching out. When I say to give each other space, please know that I don't mean to stop talking. I mean that not every conversation has to be about your relationship, or trying to convince her to forgive you and take you back. Personally, I think that's asking a lot given that you ended the relationship and it was months before you reconnected. Yes, you should say that you're sorry for the breakup and make it clear that you are happy to reconnect, but don't push for more than that right now. While it is promising that she is responding to your messages, I think you run the risk of pushing her away if you pressure her for a decision she's not ready to make.

Were you friends before you started dating? If so, trying going back to that and replicating your connection from that time. I say don't focus on the past, or the future, at this point. Focus on the present. If you focus on what connects you right now, and enjoy spending time together, maybe you can build upon that, and the future will become clear and start to feel achievable.

Yes so true! Focus on the now and maybe it will start to crystallize and seem more achievable in getting back together.

 

[Darc]

What do you mean by positive manifest and confidence line set. Will that approach work with INFJs. Also what is your Myers-Briggs and what would convince you to get back together if someone broke up with you.

I think this is a psychological projection.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

I think what many posters here have zeroed in on is that, as you’ve said, you broke up with her when you were under emotional stress - stress that has nothing to do with her or her relationship with you. That means you have a lot to work on yourself first. I’m glad that you recognize it was a mistake. Now, you have to figure out why you reacted the way you did. You didn’t talk to her. You didn’t ask for her support. What you did was you broke up with her.

Instead of giving her all these reassurances that you’re committed to her and this relationship (which you failed to follow through on since you broke up with her...), figure out why you didn’t follow through on your promises. Figure out why you feel she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her, even though she’s done nothing (as far as I can tell) to make you feel that way.

I’ve had a family member attempt suicide and know how abandoning that can feel. It is why it is considered a selfish act, though being selfish is the furthest thing from the mind of the person trying to kill themselves. If you don’t feel like your ex was there for you - that says a lot about how you feel about her.

 

[Triedandtrue]

I think what many posters here have zeroed in on is that, as you’ve said, you broke up with her when you were under emotional stress - stress that has nothing to do with her or her relationship with you. That means you have a lot to work on yourself first. I’m glad that you recognize it was a mistake. Now, you have to figure out why you reacted the way you did. You didn’t talk to her. You didn’t ask for her support. What you did was you broke up with her.

Instead of giving her all these reassurances that you’re committed to her and this relationship (which you failed to follow through on since you broke up with her...), figure out why you didn’t follow through on your promises. Figure out why you feel she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her, even though she’s done nothing (as far as I can tell) to make you feel that way.

I’ve had a family member attempt suicide and know how abandoning that can feel. It is why it is considered a selfish act, though being selfish is the furthest thing from the mind of the person trying to kill themselves. If you don’t feel like your ex was there for you - that says a lot about how you feel about her.

Yes she did feel abandoned. She did feel hurt and she felt like I just left her and she didn't know why. Now I understand why she is so hesitant and gets anxiety whenever I say hey let's make a decision now on getting back together or separating. It is based on her anxiety on me doing it again or me having a breakdown again it's all based on that and she's afraid and there's no way I can get her over that fear I guess. How would I best be able to get over that fear.

 

[Triedandtrue]

I think what many posters here have zeroed in on is that, as you’ve said, you broke up with her when you were under emotional stress - stress that has nothing to do with her or her relationship with you. That means you have a lot to work on yourself first. I’m glad that you recognize it was a mistake. Now, you have to figure out why you reacted the way you did. You didn’t talk to her. You didn’t ask for her support. What you did was you broke up with her.

Instead of giving her all these reassurances that you’re committed to her and this relationship (which you failed to follow through on since you broke up with her...), figure out why you didn’t follow through on your promises. Figure out why you feel she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her, even though she’s done nothing (as far as I can tell) to make you feel that way.

I’ve had a family member attempt suicide and know how abandoning that can feel. It is why it is considered a selfish act, though being selfish is the furthest thing from the mind of the person trying to kill themselves. If you don’t feel like your ex was there for you - that says a lot about how you feel about her.

Yeah she definitely felt abandoned and I think as a infj that really affects their view on life and goals and things that make them unique. It really shook her foundation and is very traumatizing so I think the best thing for me to do is just be her friend and maybe in the future if everything comes back together you know maybe we can be friends again or be something more you know and yeah I think that would be the best thing to do.

 

[Happy Phantom]

Yeah she definitely felt abandoned and I think as a infj that really affects their view on life and goals and things that make them unique. It really shook her foundation and is very traumatizing so I think the best thing for me to do is just be her friend and maybe in the future if everything comes back together you know maybe we can be friends again or be something more you know and yeah I think that would be the best thing to do.

Go see her. If you both love each other it’s worth it.

I would forgive a man I loved if he gave me an honest, heartfelt apology, and when you broke things off you really had a lot happening at once. If there is love she will understand.

 

[Triedandtrue]

She is hesitant about me coming to see her because she feels vulnerable and doesn't trust me or there's trust issues so I think she just doesn't have trust in me and it takes time to build and so she wants space so she can just process things so I told her cool I'll just give you space but I told her everything what was what I was sorry about I'm what I really felt and what I really went through.

Go see her. If you both love each other it’s worth it.

I would forgive a man I loved if he gave me an honest, heartfelt apology, and when you broke things off you really had a lot happening at once. If there is love she will understand.

 

[Triedandtrue]

She is hesitant about me coming to see her because she feels vulnerable and doesn't trust me or there's trust issues so I think she just doesn't have trust in me and it takes time to build and so she wants space so she can just process things so I told her cool I'll just give you space but I told her everything what was what I was sorry about I'm what I really felt and what I really went through.

Go see her. If you both love each other it’s worth it.

I would forgive a man I loved if he gave me an honest, heartfelt apology, and when you broke things off you really had a lot happening at once. If there is love she will understand.

 

[Hana]

ENFP(F) married to an INFJ(M) - it can be rocky and hard, but our relationship was built around communication, consideration, devotion, trust, self-sacrifice, our values + interests, and a deep appreciation for one another. ( We've been hard to separate for long - even worked at same jobs. )

From what I've read of this thread, given the long distance and the trust being gone ... my sympathies, but I feel like there's no fully coming back from this.

But if she really deeply matters to you (and vice versa) and you can stand the idea of being just friends, perhaps she will guardedly let you in at some point.
Send good vibes, kinds words, honesty, and consideration. For now, she probably does need the space, but she's also maybe weighing the future relationship against the pain of the past one. Be consistent, reliable, honest, and trustworthy - tell/warn her when you're struggling with things that you feel make you unstable at all. Tell her how much she means to her and how deeply sorry you are, and how wrong you were (to give up on her - in a really hard time, I understand - when you should have leaned on her). And be graceful about whatever response you get from her (still be honest about how you feel... especially the good stuffs).

And best of luck to you. I hope you both find something beautiful and lasting in your relationships to come.

 

[Littlelissa]

I would forgive a man I loved if he gave me an honest, heartfelt apology

She is hesitant about me coming to see her because she feels vulnerable and doesn't trust me or there's trust issues so I think she just doesn't have trust in me and it takes time to build

Was it a truly heartfelt apology, or a 'mental' apology? If you are 100% sincere and come from the heart - and understand what you did wrong, she could trust you again. Maybe she doesn't think you really 'get' it. Part of a heartfelt apology is to do with processing properly what has gone wrong, and how you want to make amends. Don't be afraid to tell her how much she means to you, this isn't clingy or needy is it is said in a heartfelt way.

 

[Triedandtrue]

Hey guys! So I'm back. So basically over the past week we really talk things out and got past the whole breakup situation. She felt a lot of pressure in the beginning whenever I wanted to get back with her because she was uneasy but then I just said hey I'm going to be friends I'm putting myself in the friend zone so she doesn't feel such pressure. Now she invited me out to go to North Carolina with her and her friend to go see Christmas lights in the middle of December. I guess that's a good sign and we text and talk everyday but it's mostly me making the initiative. I am just afraid that I am going to end up in the friend zone or I'm already in the friend zone and there's no actual attraction. How are INFJs attracted to people and how do they get attracted?

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

This sounds like a healthy step to me. I think let her know you even more and continue talking. The important thing for you, I feel, is letting her be there for you and accepting that what she gives, to you and this relationship, whatever form it takes, is enough.

 

[CleverKate]

I'm glad to hear things are going well, and you're able to talk with her and be responsive.

Now she invited me out to go to North Carolina with her and her friend to go see Christmas lights in the middle of December. I guess that's a good sign and we text and talk everyday but it's mostly me making the initiative. I am just afraid that I am going to end up in the friend zone or I'm already in the friend zone and there's no actual attraction. How are INFJs attracted to people and how do they get attracted?

Inviting you to visit definitely seems like a good sign (how exciting for you!!). For one thing, it shows she's capable of imaging a future event with you and I'd say that seems promising considering how things just a few weeks ago.

As far as initiating daily calls/texts: I hope you know this can be difficult for most introverts in general. Throughout your relationship, who initiated most of the contact? Was it mutual, or was one of you more likely to call or text the other to reach out first? Make sure you have a realistic expectation about this.

As far as your question/concern about attraction - what leads you to believe there is no actual attraction? Is this a feeling you have, or something you are getting from her? Also, you would be able to answer the question of what would attract this specific person better than any of us could provide a generalized "INFJ" answer. After all, you dated this person long distance for over 2 years. Your intimate knowledge of this person is the best tool for gaging this.

My general suggestions: Be patient, Don't overthink it, Be positive, and Don't rush her.

She's likely trying to see if you are someone she can trust and rely on once again. Rushing her would indicate the exact opposite. Also, don't become so focused on her that you forget about yourself. It's a balancing act. Show her you can listen and meet her needs, while also keeping yourself mentally/emotionally healthy. So much of being successful at anything in life is about managing your own expectations.