Emergency: losingb my infj | INFJ Forum

Emergency: losingb my infj

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Triedandtrue, Nov 4, 2017.

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  1. Triedandtrue

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    I am a 33 year old enfp who dated a 30 year old infj for 2.5 years and it was long distance except for the first month of us dating before she had to move to Florida and I stayed in cali. I broke up with her this past January because I felt like I couldn't wait any longer to get tofether and possibly get married Dec 2017 but we kept in contact over the phone.

    She was devastated and hurt and we sporadically stayed in contact but fit the past 2months we have been texting and talking everyday and I flew out too see her in September and she said it doesn't feel the same and I said okay but then she said she didn't want to lose me and I flew back to Cali and got mixed signals your another month when we finally got into an argument and she said she had nothing left to give. I feel crushed. She said basically we can stay friends but is there any way I can get her back after 10 months of being broken up.


    The breakup was my fault and due to my depression and long dostance strain and mom tried to commit suicide but I think her idealismMay not allow her to give it a 2nd try or maybe we just need time apart because she did she wants to look at things with fresh eyes. Is it over?
     
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  2. LostInTheForest

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    First off, I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your mother, and the whole situation in general.
    I've a had a couple long distance relationships, and they were both strained because they felt almost 'virtual' in a way even though we had spent time together and cared for one another. The determining factor in each case was that neither of us was sure enough about the relationship as to be prepared to move, which is hard enough, but when you want to be there for your family, it's even more stressful. Time will tell if things settle down enough that either of you feels comfortable with spending more time together and possibly moving in together.
    I'd say give it time...if you still feel for each other when things are a bit more settled down in your lives, then it may work out.
    I know that feeling of losing someone, and it's hard to make sound decisions when our world is crashing all around us.
     
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  3. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    I feel as though she already made a decision based on her Ti we have been talking over the phone for the past two months regularly and she didn't know what she wanted to do and one big argument or discussion made her blow up where she said I have nothing left to give and then nite she seems a little indifferent. It's been two days. What can I do veggie she completely shuts me out and rationalized that we were not meant to be
     
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  4. LostInTheForest

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    Well...I don't know that there is anything that you can do.
    Maybe the best, (and hardest thing) to do is to just take a deep breath and take some time, for both of you.
    Give it a week. Neither of you are going anywhere quickly, right?
    i hope this is of some value to you.
     
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  5. Wyote

    Wyote Humanistic Reductionist
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Is there a way to condense these threads into one? I realize I just read the same question I think three times.
     
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  7. Pin

    Pin Permanent Fixture

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    Man... You can't make her come back to you. That's up to her.

    She's not "yours."

    You can improve your own life, make your own moves. It's her decision to date you again if she likes what she sees.

    You're the only person that can change your life.
     
    #7 Pin, Nov 4, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2017
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  8. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler
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    Yup. ENTJ is correct.

    Ldr’s aren’t easy and it takes two strong, patient, committed, communicative and understanding people who truly love one another to make it work. There are times where one might feel upset, and maybe you didn’t mean to break up with her, but your emotions got in the way.

    That being said, if you are dead serious about your feelings I would keep her as a friend, and perhaps visit her in person as friends (as long as she agrees to this) and see where it goes from there.
     
    #8 Happy Phantom, Nov 4, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2017
  9. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    Is it possible to be in a long distance relationship for 2 and 1/2 Years and love each other and then break up and be friends and then go back to being lovers?
     
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  10. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler
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    Anything is possible. This is assuming you’re not messing around and you both have feelings for each other.

    Here’s something a friend asked me once. If your friend told what you posted in your op, what would your advice be?
     
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  11. James

    James Is this the Library ?
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    I feel I have to ask, why has it been a long distance for such a length of time?

    Did you have plans to move to Florida or her back to California ?

    Only you really know all the details of your situation. If you really do care for her, try to work out what's in her best interests. It comes across that you do love this person. I think if you do, you should tell her, but don't expect that to fix things.

    If you love her you will want what's best for her, and be prepared to just let go. I know it's very painful. Take some time to think things through very carefully, before you say/do more.

    That's about the only thing, I think you can do. I wish you both the best.
     
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  12. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    I would say fly over and have a face to face. But she is hesitant about that.
    I got so many mixed signals from her. She wanted to meet up at one point and then didn't want to.
     
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  13. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    She said she has anxiety and she feels scared of getting back into a relationship with me and it doesn't feel the same to her so when I say okay I'll let you go, she says no. But I'm thinking if I just sore her consistency as a friend and just tell her that I'll wait for her no matter what, Maybe that will make her feel more comfortable and want to start slow to build it back up.
     
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  14. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler
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    Of course she’s afraid, I would be too. I’m with James. Would you move closer to her?

    Wait, you have two threads going? lol
     
    #14 Happy Phantom, Nov 4, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2017
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  15. James

    James Is this the Library ?
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    I think that's a better way to go. If you put her under any kind of pressure, I think you'll lose her altogether. I take it you initiated the break up? It would be hard for her to trust you after that. Even if it was done gently.

    If you are patient and kind to her, and show her you are genuine, then maybe things will gradually change. She may only want to be friends from now on. Trust is a fragile thing. Hard to build and easy to break.

    If you give her time and support, she will be in a better place to understand how she feels. Then at least you've done the right thing, whatever the outcome. Take care of yourself.
     
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  16. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    How do infjs look at a situation like that? I would move but she's not ready for that. I feel so so sad. It's almost been a year since the break.
    We text everyday but maybe she's just being nice and doing the slow door slam?
     
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  17. James

    James Is this the Library ?
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    It's very difficult to know, all you can do is focus on yourself and your situation. Be kind and patient to yourself, as well as this woman. When was the last time you just had fun, saw a movie, read a book, went to the gym?

    If you focus all your energy just on making this relationship work, you're putting both of you, under a lot of pressure. If you're feeling more relaxed and happier that will help both of you. Try to help her do the same, without interfering or hassling her.

    You are still both young people. The best way forward is to enjoy the relationship, even if it is friendship, rather than romance. If you're both enjoying life I think there's much more chance things will work out.

    Try to relax. and let her tell you how she feels in her own way. I was sorry to read that about your mother, that must have been difficult. I hope you have some family and friends helping you.

    Keep posting here if it helps, and work on the things you can do to help yourself in a practical way. Every day it will get better.
     
  18. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    Thank you so much. Your post truly helped. :) I've been really down and stressed and so depressed. Are you an infj? You guys are heaven sent :)
     
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  19. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Phantom Traveler
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    We’re too empathetic and won’t usually be as blunt as an NT.

    I still say take @Pin’s advice and work on yourself first.
     
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  20. OP
    Triedandtrue

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    Well I tried to find a job out there to move out there to be with her but I couldn't and I would always ask her to take the pharmacy license test so she can move out to California but I know that that wasn't originally what we agreed on because in the beginning of our relationship before we started dating officially I said that I would move to her and she doesn't have to worry about moving to me but when you're in a relationship for two and a half years and you can't find a job anywhere out in Florida I feel like you can make a compromise and come to me in California if you truly love me and care about the relationship.
     
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