Do INFJs long for the door slam-like ability presented in Black Mirror's White Christmas episode, where if you don't want to talk to someone you just block them?
I don’t doorslam. I ghost. I always give people an opportunity to correct things that cause me to want distance, but I won’t hesitate to quietly fade out of view while I recharge. It usually gets to this point because of emotional stress in a relationship.
I've "door slammed" a few people in my life. As a child I did it to a couple neighbors who yelled at me after I thought they were friendly. I felt indignant about how they yelled at me, rather than kindly tell me what it was they didn't want me doing or rather see me do. I just ignored them, walked past their house. Thinking back I see how narrow minded I was. They may have had legit concerns, maybe to save apples I was picking, or protect flowers I was cutting.
As an adult I did so to a family member who went off and lived with an abusive man. She since then left the abusive relationship and found a much better partner/ husband to marry. I still can't bring myself to talk to her, even though the emotions of anger have long since faded. I just feel, kind of a dread(?) about talking to her. Plus it seems she is very self focused. I am too and maybe that is part why, but I don't like to make personal growth a topic of discussion, unless it is either to a forum like this or my therapist. It just feels wrong to me if someone says "Look at how much I've improved," that it strikes me as something not happened yet. For me personality growth/ change/ whatever is something you show, don't tell.
I guess fear of facing that awkwardness keeps me from feeling eager to reach out/ call.
Other times, it isn't out of hard feelings or anything. It may not be an actual door slam, just a long pause. I don't know why it happens. I may even enjoy the time spent or the time talking on the phone. I just when I am by myself with my computer or my project, I feel focused on it and kind of lose interest in extraverting. I guess. If I think further about it, maybe it is when people start talking to me about their personal troubles and emotions, I feel a bit frozen up. I want to help, but not sure how, and if that would be the thing to do. If it is not that, them, then it may be because I got a bit too close (and felt a tinge of awkwardness as a result) and feel like I need to back off and give both them and myself some space.
As an adult I did so to a family member who went off and lived with an abusive man. She since then left the abusive relationship and found a much better partner/ husband to marry. I still can't bring myself to talk to her, even though the emotions of anger have long since faded. I just feel, kind of a dread(?) about talking to her. Plus it seems she is very self focused. I am too and maybe that is part why, but I don't like to make personal growth a topic of discussion, unless it is either to a forum like this or my therapist. It just feels wrong to me if someone says "Look at how much I've improved," that it strikes me as something not happened yet. For me personality growth/ change/ whatever is something you show, don't tell.
I guess fear of facing that awkwardness keeps me from feeling eager to reach out/ call.
Other times, it isn't out of hard feelings or anything. It may not be an actual door slam, just a long pause. I don't know why it happens. I may even enjoy the time spent or the time talking on the phone. I just when I am by myself with my computer or my project, I feel focused on it and kind of lose interest in extraverting. I guess. If I think further about it, maybe it is when people start talking to me about their personal troubles and emotions, I feel a bit frozen up. I want to help, but not sure how, and if that would be the thing to do. If it is not that, them, then it may be because I got a bit too close (and felt a tinge of awkwardness as a result) and feel like I need to back off and give both them and myself some space.
step 1: unzip his pants
step 2: pull it out
step 2: pull it out
SLAM THE FUCKING DOOR ON IT!!!
Happy Phantom
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So, I've done this twice, maybe three times in my whole life (and I'm 39). The. Most recent happened about seven years ago. I had a very dear friend who was an INFP. She had had an abusive mom growing up, and was also not great with making friends or having a lot of people to rely on in her life. She was also a single mom. So, from time to time I would help her out with food, but my husband and I did watch her child for her a lot. I did this out of love for her and because even though she was needy in those ways, she gave a lot back to me emotionally. Then after being friends for about four years, she started dating this guy who was a drug user and just an all around bad person. He was emotionally abusive and did drugs in front of her son. She started making very bad decisions. None of this caused me to door slam her. However, after a couple of years of distancing myself already (because I have a sister in an abusive relationship and I only have room for one of those people in my life) she needed up pregnant. She almost manipulated me into throwing her a baby shower, but I figured out she was manipulating me and therefore didn't do it. Still no door slam. Instead I donated all my old baby gear to her (I had just recently finished being done with having babies). Then after she gave birth by C section, she ended up getting an infection. She called me and told me she knew she was in a life threatening situation by not going to the hospital for the infection, but she couldn't leave her baby with her significant other because of the drug situation. I had just had a baby of my own not that long ago, and had post part I'm depression. I was in no place to take someone else's baby. And the worst part was she had no one else to call because I was the only person she had that still talked to her. It was extremely intense and I basically felt like if I didn't take her baby I was responsible for it dying. Or her dying because she wouldn't go to the hospital. That is when I placed out. I think I called the church I was involved in to try and get some other people to help her because I knew I couldn't. But after I did that, I doorslammed. My heart felt like a stone. I couldn't believe I felt that way. I mean, even in my mind I couldn't figure out why this particular time was the end for me and I no longer gave a fu&*. I think after reflecting, it was because she had no regard for me at all in the situation. She had decided she was going to take advantage of my kindness to get what she needed, and I felt extremely put out and she didn't even care. I think that is when I just did not care anymore. I still pray for her, and I have run into her from time time and I will say hi. But I will never be close to her again. I just can't handle feeing responsible for that many people.
Anyway, I hope you don't feel guilty for the door slam. In this situation, my friend knew she was manipulating me. She told me the last time I saw her that she would never forgive herself if her actions had caused me to no longer be her friend. Why would she be feeling that way if she had done nothing wrong? I think when we are pushed to door slam someone, it is usually because we have been taken advantage of many times and it's really the last straw.
Ah, well, my story is not particularly interesting, but I am glad to have one all the same. I had three friends in high school. Let's call them S, G, and F. S was highly emotional, and whether she realized it or not, everything she said to us seemed to have some sort of backhanded insult to it. Things like she's been having friend problems, that she had no loyal friends. Or another time, her mother was pregnant and she didn't want to have her mother miscarriage again, so she resented every part of that process, blatantly wishing she wouldn't have to deal with another sibling. G plain insulted everyone around her. She tried to conduct what they should wear, how they should style their hair, and even went so far as to fat shame. If I tired to bring something up to her that really mattered to me, she would change the topic to her crush. (I have evidence from one of our text conversations). The last friend was F. She was unkind to everyone she came across, borderine narcissistic. Instead of "Hey, is it possible to make space for me?" She would snap at us, saying something like "Scooch." (xD how do you even spell that?) Everything had to help her in order to for it to be valuable. If anything was challenging, she ducked out of the way and said screw it. Overall, I think you might be able to see why I didn't fit in. I was too practical for S, too defensive against G, and too skeptical about F, meaning I kept away from her, because she would blow up if I stepped on her toes. She was the kind of girl that would ruin your life faster than you could apologize. At the same time, these people, being all I had, avoided emotional connections that actually involved my feelings. I was unimportant, just like some robot they had bought just to have someone to talk to. I door-slammed them. Every day since my life has been better. Nothing special, lile I said. But something to be proud of, all the same.
Well, after posting what I did, I'll try to open the door a little to said family member. She seems to desire reaching out to me and I like to give people a fair chance after a while, but I don't know why it seems once I've set it in my mind that I've closed a door, it is hard to unset.
I've also done a number of literal door slammings, but since I live in my own place where rent is concerned and keeping a good rapport with my immediate neighbors, that likely won't happen. Living on my own I don't get charged up enough to have to expend my emotions that way.
I've also done a number of literal door slammings, but since I live in my own place where rent is concerned and keeping a good rapport with my immediate neighbors, that likely won't happen. Living on my own I don't get charged up enough to have to expend my emotions that way.
I have done the door slam three times, and looking back on these people, it was the classic INFJ response - I invested more emotional capital in these individuals than I should have done, and "let them in" to a degree that I would later regret. All three had issues with either mental health or alcohol, and I was trying to be there for them as friends, but they all threw it back in my face in spectacular fashion, inflicting emotional scars that are still bleeding to some extent. I will talk about the first one below.
At the time, I was a gay man slowly coming out of the closet. I won't go into too much detail to avoid embarrassment, but I met this guy online, and through some common interests (ok we shared a sexual "kink", but I won't elaborate on this too much) we eventually hooked up. He lived in London and I used to travel down from Scotland to stay with him. Eventually the exploration of said "kink"grew further, and our friendship became more intense to the point we were sharing a bed and I had my first intimate experiences with this man and this confirmed my homosexuality, and gave me the confidence to finally be myself. The part that I didn't know or appreciate was the extent of the other guy's mental health issues - he had a form of bipolar disorder and his mood could turn on a sixpence. He had turned several times on me before, but I always gave him the distance to come out of it. I used to spend hours chatting to him online and reassuring him that things were OK But one time I said a remark which I thought was quite harmless and in jest, but it was enough for him to turn on me big time, and he simply rejected me, threw me out of his life and told me never to call on him again. I was devastated as I was in love with him to some extent and couldn't handle the rejection. But a week later he came crawling back begging forgiveness. But this soon backfired and to cut a long story short it escalated in him making a false suicide attempt to try and manipulate my emotions. This was the straw that broke the camel's back and I closed the door and cut him out of my life completely. I deleted every photograph, email and memory of him. Although I know through another friend that still chats to him, that his suicidal tendencies were all bogus.
Do I have any regrets about dumping him and shutting the door. No.
At the time, I was a gay man slowly coming out of the closet. I won't go into too much detail to avoid embarrassment, but I met this guy online, and through some common interests (ok we shared a sexual "kink", but I won't elaborate on this too much) we eventually hooked up. He lived in London and I used to travel down from Scotland to stay with him. Eventually the exploration of said "kink"grew further, and our friendship became more intense to the point we were sharing a bed and I had my first intimate experiences with this man and this confirmed my homosexuality, and gave me the confidence to finally be myself. The part that I didn't know or appreciate was the extent of the other guy's mental health issues - he had a form of bipolar disorder and his mood could turn on a sixpence. He had turned several times on me before, but I always gave him the distance to come out of it. I used to spend hours chatting to him online and reassuring him that things were OK But one time I said a remark which I thought was quite harmless and in jest, but it was enough for him to turn on me big time, and he simply rejected me, threw me out of his life and told me never to call on him again. I was devastated as I was in love with him to some extent and couldn't handle the rejection. But a week later he came crawling back begging forgiveness. But this soon backfired and to cut a long story short it escalated in him making a false suicide attempt to try and manipulate my emotions. This was the straw that broke the camel's back and I closed the door and cut him out of my life completely. I deleted every photograph, email and memory of him. Although I know through another friend that still chats to him, that his suicidal tendencies were all bogus.
Do I have any regrets about dumping him and shutting the door. No.
I never feel bad when I'm pushed to that point. And it's always the selfish person that has used me. I don't blame you at all for slamming that door.
I met this guy I couldn't stand in class a couple of years ago. About 10 years younger than me, flawless looking, spoiled only son type. He was friends with this other jerk who wouldn’t stop loudly talking to him the entire lecture from the back of the room. After 6 weeks of the instructor and other students verbally asking them for quiet, I posted a scathing request for their silence on the message board. They were quieter but not always and didn't apologise. Then I got paired with this man randomly for this big project. We tried to chat, but I found his conversation limited. I read and drafted for a few days, then we sat down together and finished it in 5 hours, in which he took an hour lunch. When he put the project up online we got mixed admiring and envious sounding comments from other students. The instructor graded us high distinction and wrote us a feedback sheet praising several aspects of the project that just happened to be my personal work. She also emailed me to ask if I would be OK for her to use our work as an example of a good report for her future classes, and I then asked him if that was alright with him. We’re still contacts on social media but I have him on ignore.
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"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
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when i was younger i had to cut somebody loose because they were trying to hurt me in my feelings. it sucked really bad but sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself
There are a few reasons why I door slam. Usually it’s more of a quiet, instant, energetic withdrawal than a confrontational dramatic ending. Typically there’s a build up and one “final straw” where that Incredible Hulk rage comes up and I realize I’m hurt by a number of things this person has said & done. I wish I could say I no longer care/think about the person after a door slam, but honestly I can harbor deep feelings of resentment for a long time. (I realize this is unhealthy and want to change.)
One reason I will door slam is when I feel like the relationship is lopsided and I give a lot more than I receive. I tend to be generous with people I care about and this can lead to feeling taken advantage of when there is little or nothing returned. As I’ve gotten older, I am quick to door slam people I feel drained from – if the relationship no longer enriches my life, I’d just rather not be involved.
I’ve also door slammed people after being criticized (which makes me sound like a total snowflake, I know) but I can’t help it – I just close right up. It feels doubly-offensive because I will bite my tongue when it comes to criticizing others & don’t dish it out. (Well, mentally I criticize others – but I don’t like hurting people, so I keep it to myself.) Trust me, no one is more critical of myself than I am (INFJ perfectionism), so I don’t need to be told I’m wrong. Plus, often I can see that a person criticizes me for something that exists in their own shadows . . . . hey, if you spot it, you got it buddy. The hypocrisy kills me.
Finally, I think INFJ’s are just wired to not need a lot of social stimulation so a door slam can be an easy choice. I have my dog, my music, my books, my art . . . . I don’t get bored so it’s not going to bother me to drop someone who doesn’t value or appreciate me.
One reason I will door slam is when I feel like the relationship is lopsided and I give a lot more than I receive. I tend to be generous with people I care about and this can lead to feeling taken advantage of when there is little or nothing returned. As I’ve gotten older, I am quick to door slam people I feel drained from – if the relationship no longer enriches my life, I’d just rather not be involved.
I’ve also door slammed people after being criticized (which makes me sound like a total snowflake, I know) but I can’t help it – I just close right up. It feels doubly-offensive because I will bite my tongue when it comes to criticizing others & don’t dish it out. (Well, mentally I criticize others – but I don’t like hurting people, so I keep it to myself.) Trust me, no one is more critical of myself than I am (INFJ perfectionism), so I don’t need to be told I’m wrong. Plus, often I can see that a person criticizes me for something that exists in their own shadows . . . . hey, if you spot it, you got it buddy. The hypocrisy kills me.
Finally, I think INFJ’s are just wired to not need a lot of social stimulation so a door slam can be an easy choice. I have my dog, my music, my books, my art . . . . I don’t get bored so it’s not going to bother me to drop someone who doesn’t value or appreciate me.
The only times I've ever "door slammed" people was when I felt I was being taken advantage of despite trying to help them in some way, or when someone brought too much negativity into my life. That can actually make me physically ill sometimes. This has only happened three times that I can think of in my thirty-one years.. it really takes a lot, and I think that's true for most INFJs. We don;t easily give up on people.
There is no counting how many times I have done this over the years including people I used to know in person, lately I do more of a silent closing of the door where the other person isn't aware until much later. I generally don't feel like putting up with the bullshit anymore after the last couple of jobs that I had.