Door Slam-your stories

[Vossbaby]

I'm curious to hear of others experience with the infamous door slam.

Personally, I have had to do it several times in the last four years. And I kind of like the fact I possess this quality. It makes me feel a tad badass. But it is always always a last resort. I feel as if it is a quality of protecting ones self that we harness.

I feel like I am in the beginning stages of it again despite my best efforts. I'm not quite ready to give up but I can feel it lurking in the background.

Hope to hear your experiences with such.

 

[invisible]

What is "doorslam" exactly, and how does it come about? I think it's good to define this clearly.

I think this refers to this kind of state you go into that is very emotionally charged, where you sort of universalise a judgment on a person, and it leads to the doorslam which is a sort of giant "Fuck You!"

Perhaps with elements of "You're going to regret taking me for granted!" ? ?

Other ideas about exactly what this is, or how to define it?

Do other types do this? What is it about INFJs and the way our minds are that makes it such a characteristic INFJ behaviour?

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I'm not sure that I've ever completely cut someone off in my life...if I have it's never been the abrupt door slam...it's much more cordial and closures always end on a positive note - plus the door is always left slightly ajar. I like the idea that if I was ever to meet them randomly (for some unknown reason, this happens a lot with me), that the encounter would be a positive experience.

There's a "friend" who has been on my mind lately...it would be so easy to not have any contact with her rather than to try and carry on a friendship (I have nothing in common with her and it's a long story)...anyway, for a variety of reasons (too long to go into), I've been wanting to walk away (but of course leave the door ajar) as I don't want her to occupy space/energy in my head BUT at the same time, I want to make sure she's OK. This is what you get for caring too much! .

 

[invisible]

I'm not sure that I've ever completely cut someone off in my life...if I have it's never been the abrupt door slam...it's much more cordial and closures always end on a positive note - plus the door is always left slightly ajar. I like the idea that if I was ever to meet them randomly (for some unknown reason, this happens a lot with me), that the encounter would be a positive experience.

There's a "friend" who has been on my mind lately...it would be so easy to not have any contact with her rather than to try and carry on a friendship (I have nothing in common with her and it's a long story)...anyway, for a variety of reasons (too long to go into), I've been wanting to walk away (but of course leave the door ajar) as I don't want her to occupy space/energy in my head BUT at the same time, I want to make sure she's OK. This is what you get for caring too much! .

I think that your approach is kind of the ideal approach and outcome. It is increasingly important to me to try to be gentle. I try to achieve this in my life these days. In the past however, I did aggressively doorslam on a number of occasions. (Doorslamming was the best I could manage to do at the time, but wish I could have handled it better somehow)

It can be really difficult to decide what to do with some people who just do not respect boundaries at all, who will lie, cheat, and steal... I find dealing with people like this very difficult... I don't necessarily want to leave the door ajar for them... I want to make it clear in some sort of way that the door is closed... even in just some symbolic way that does not necessarily "doorslam". It is really difficult to deal with this certain type of person who takes so much energy to deal with that basically you just don't want them in your life anymore.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

It can be really difficult to decide what to do with some people who just do not respect boundaries at all, who will lie, cheat, and steal... I find dealing with people like this very difficult...

OK, I don't know the context but who on earth are these people - who do not respect your boundaries, lie, cheat and steal!!! I would absolutely have no hesitation (or any guilt) in removing them from my life. If that's doorslamming - then I'm very happy to do it AND in these situations....the door will remain firmly closed/bolted. In such cases, I will make an exception - I don't feel obligated to be polite or cordial around them. I don't need or want that kind of £$!$ in my life!

Sorry @invisible - sounds horrid!.

 

[Wyote]

Spoiler: Am I doing this right?

 

[invisible]

OK, I don't know the context but who on earth are these people - who do not respect your boundaries, lie, cheat and steal!!! I would absolutely have no hesitation (or any guilt) in removing them from my life. If that's doorslamming - then I'm very happy to do it AND in these situations....the door will remain firmly closed/bolted. In such cases, I will make an exception - I don't feel obligated to be polite or cordial around them. I don't need or want that kind of £$!$ in my life!

Sorry @invisible - sounds horrid!.

LOL. Thanks for that. Yeah, I have known people who behave in this sort of way. You just want them out.

 

[Wyote]

Doorslamming I think mostly these days for me comes in the form of emotional compartmentalization. Some people may float around in my life out of necessity but they're actually dead to me. The goal is to fully remove them or minimize my perception of their existence whereas for most others I'll happily continue the status quo or dive deeper with somebody.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

 

[infinite dreams]

This brings up something I find both perplexing and amusing - the idea that INFJs are the only type who "doorslams" people. I think most types are capable of doing so.

I can think of a few people I've done this to over the years. It's not like just slamming a door though. More like closing a bank vault and welding the lock shut. Complete emotional disassociation. Not something I'd just do on a whim. It's only happened when someone has betrayed my trust or wronged me in some equivalent way and I can see no further value from interacting with them. Bonus points if they won't leave me alone (i.e. no quarter for stalkers).

 

[Stu]

At one point I was out of work and on a low low budget, but before losing my job I had agreed to by a ticket for a show (the english beat) with a large group of friends. The ticket holder (who knew I was broke) decided she needed the money so asked me to pay up or she would have to sell the ticket to someone else. Fair enough, I let it go but felt if she were really a friend she would have floated me the 20 bucks till i got back on my feet. This transaction occurred in the presence of a mutual friend.
Months went by and I once again was gainfully employed (as has always been my habit) and one evening this mutual friend and I were in the presence of this same "friend" and we were spontaneously contemplating attending an even more expensive gig (don't recall the band) but our "friend" complained that she could not afford it. I told her not to worry it would be my treat. I do not recall hanging out with her after that. Our mutual friend, who was big into revenge, was impressed by the way I got even.

 

[Vossbaby]

I'm curious to hear of others experience with the infamous door slam.

Personally, I have had to do it several times in the last four years. And I kind of like the fact I possess this quality. It makes me feel a tad badass. But it is always always a last resort. I feel as if it is a quality of protecting ones self that we harness.

I feel like I am in the beginning stages of it again despite my best efforts. I'm not quite ready to give up but I can feel it lurking in the background.

Hope to hear your experiences with such.

For me it is putting my all into a relationship. Whether it be friendship or love and getting used for my need to please others or help them anyway I can and getting shit on repeatedly until I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained from that person. Despite my best efforts to discuss the issues with that person they all suggest I'll stick around no matter what I endure from them. Hence the door slam of a I give up stand point. I stay dedicated until it becomes unhealthy for me. And usually that's Years.

 

[GFW]

Door slamming is a last resort and fortunately for me, I've not had to use it. Once , I considered door slamming but instead just tried avoiding and keeping conversations to an absolute minimum with the individual.

 

[Irish]

Anyone who you care deeply about and pour your heart into getting them back to their feet and they turn and disregaurd all you did for them. Slammed.
No regret, no remorse, not even a satisfaction or slight happiness from the slam. Just an anger towards that person for wasting the piece of yourself you gave them.

 

[acd]

This brings up something I find both perplexing and amusing - the idea that INFJs are the only type who "doorslams" people. I think most types are capable of doing so.

I can think of a few people I've done this to over the years. It's not like just slamming a door though. More like closing a bank vault and welding the lock shut. Complete emotional disassociation. Not something I'd just do on a whim. It's only happened when someone has betrayed my trust or wronged me in some equivalent way and I can see no further value from interacting with them. Bonus points if they won't leave me alone (i.e. no quarter for stalkers).

Maybe it's because infjs give and give some more and try to make others happy-- so when they've finally had enough of being betrayed or taken advantage of, it's an event. Either as it plays out or in their mind. The thought of letting the person back into their life may pop up and they quickly swat it down with, "No! No, I've door slammed them. It's over. I've locked the door, thrown away the key, then ran back and grabbed the key and swallowed it for extra safe keeping so that I won't be tempted to unlock the door ever again!" It is interesting because it's something most people do-- you learn to end toxic relationships, but for infjs it seems to have much more significance.

 

[Irish]

As for a story, I had an older brother who was always pressing the limits and rules of the household through high school. Getting into any trouble he could find and go do it just because he knew that he wasn't supposed to do it. Due to his behavior he got into deeper and deeper issues that not even he could sweet talk out of so we would help him as a family any and every way we could. It was a progress of YEARS that we got him back to firm standing on his own feet. We were all exhausted emotionally and physically (some of us spotting him hundreds or thousands in cash) from the strain he put on us. Then one day we catch wind of his communication to extended family who reprimanded us as a family for how could we treat our own family member like we were treating him! And as it turned out he was playing us the whole time with a triple face of lies wearing us down for years. We addressed him as a family, he admitted and refused to change so we kicked him out to save ourselves. The door has always been open for him if he decides to change but I haven't talked to him since. That was three years ago. If he came back apologetic, talk is cheap. I still forgive him but until I see actions to back it up I won't let him waste my time. The actual door of the doorslam is not keeping them out of our lives, it's keeping them out of our trust. If they were three layers deep with us they are reset to our surface, scratching at our granite wall of emotions with plastic spork.

 

[infinite dreams]

Maybe it's because infjs give and give some more and try to make others happy-- so when they've finally had enough of being betrayed or taken advantage of, it's an event. Either as it plays out or in their mind. The thought of letting the person back into their life may pop up and they quickly swat it down with, "No! No, I've door slammed them. It's over. I've locked the door, thrown away the key, then ran back and grabbed the key and swallowed it for extra safe keeping so that I won't be tempted to unlock the door ever again!" It is interesting because it's something most people do-- you learn to end toxic relationships, but for infjs it seems to have much more significance.

That's a great point.

 

[Vossbaby]

Maybe it's because infjs give and give some more and try to make others happy-- so when they've finally had enough of being betrayed or taken advantage of, it's an event. Either as it plays out or in their mind. The thought of letting the person back into their life may pop up and they quickly swat it down with, "No! No, I've door slammed them. It's over. I've locked the door, thrown away the key, then ran back and grabbed the key and swallowed it for extra safe keeping so that I won't be tempted to unlock the door ever again!" It is interesting because it's something most people do-- you learn to end toxic relationships, but for infjs it seems to have much more significance.

That's exactly the way I feel. I have went back before but as I've gotten older I've realized most people do not change. So when it comes time to slam the door I take into account that I can't open it ever again. And I don't. I've been right every time in the last few years and immediately feel the negative energy leave my body.

 

[invisible]

I don't think it's very good to give our all in relationships. It creates a lot of pressure and expectations on the other person to give their all too, but not just what they are capable of giving as their all, but what we would perceive as sufficient to qualify as their all, what we would see as a fair exchange for our all. I think it's better to just give a respectful and caring amount, no need to give everything and ends up just draining us for our own life, and feeling disappointed when we don't feel like it was reciprocated.

It's like too much pressure... relationships should just be fun, easy, enjoying each other's company.

 

[invisible]

The last time I door slammed was maybe about 5 years ago, it was a friend and whenever I was with him he was always angry and raging. He was always saying racist things about other people in our country. He had a lot of expectations of me helping him with things, like on his computer. I invited him to visit me but he wouldn't visit, he expected me to always visit him. He would invite me to his parties or whatever and there were all these people there who were just too cool for me and he would spend his whole night enjoying their company and would not even spend 5 minutes of conversation with me in those evenings. I couldn't handle it all anymore, it was too much, too intense. I didn't mean to doorslam him exactly, he was hassling me to see him and I just told him we'd have to catch up further down the track, but he got the message that I didn't want to spend time with him anymore. I felt really really bad about it. I hated that I hurt his feelings. He would always show me interesting art and movies, gay cultural things that help you with your identity as a gay man in this society. He was a professional make up artist and he told me I have a beautiful and unusual nose and it makes my face special, and before that I always hated my nose so much and he really helped me to love my nose. He taught me to pluck my eyebrows so that they still look masculine, but so they look clean and tidy and "this way it really opens up your eyes". So he was a good friend to me in meaningful ways, leaving his friendship behind was not a good experience at all, it was a really conflicted and bad experience and I didn't feel good or badass or right about it, I felt regretful.

The time before that when I doorslammed was a friend who became aggressive, calling me names and approaching me with physical aggression. The friend would go from loving and adoring to scary in the space of moments. This change in my life was just a necessity. This friendship situation was frightening and I couldn't stay in that situation. This friend has recently contacted me to apologise and to tell me that they are so sorry and that they considered me to be truly their best friend at that time, and that they have gone through a lot of changes in their life that have made them a lot happier with their life and more peaceful in their self. I just told them everything is forgiven and not to ever feel bad about anything they could have done to hurt me, and that it's awesome that their life is so improved. The person really wants to reconnect with me and I'm sorry but I'm not following up on reconnecting, I just can't go back there.

I also have doorslammed my father. I heard him rape my mother when I was a teenager and after that I realised that there were a lot of other problems that I had with him. I encouraged my mother to divorce him and when they divorced I didn't see him again for about 10 years. But for some reason, my mother and my brother nagged me to see him for 10 years. He is supposedly dying but he has been dying for 10 years now. Last year I caved and let him back into my life, I made a big effort to approach him with love and authenticity and to forget about everything in the past, but it was a mistake. He told me a bunch of lies and tried to control me with lies. At this point I would not say that we are estranged again, but the situation is good. I don't want to doorslam him, but I don't want to have him in my life anymore either. I will see him with my brother only, if my brother wants that.

I have also doorslammed an ex who told me so many lies that I had a full blown psychotic episode and had to be admitted to psychiatric hospital. He came to the store where I work recently and I felt so sick about it, I kept thinking that every customer who came in the door was him, but he hasn't come back and I don't think he will, I think he knows he makes me sick.

Controlling me with lies really crosses the line for me. I'm a trusting person and I can't take being controlled with lies.

I wish that I will never have to doorslam again. It's just such a bad experience. I really hate doing it. It feels bad. There must be a better way to deal with people. If I have to, I would rather just drift away... stay acquainted... be able to say Hi if I run into them, even grab a coffee or something, or say "hey we should catch up soon!" And then go on with my life. I don't want to upset people over things they can't change about themselves. But I don't think I really have people like this in my life anymore, who act in ways that really offend or upset me. I'm pretty cautious about getting to know people because I don't want to go through this doorslamming thing again.