The last time I door slammed was maybe about 5 years ago, it was a friend and whenever I was with him he was always angry and raging. He was always saying racist things about other people in our country. He had a lot of expectations of me helping him with things, like on his computer. I invited him to visit me but he wouldn't visit, he expected me to always visit him. He would invite me to his parties or whatever and there were all these people there who were just too cool for me and he would spend his whole night enjoying their company and would not even spend 5 minutes of conversation with me in those evenings. I couldn't handle it all anymore, it was too much, too intense. I didn't mean to doorslam him exactly, he was hassling me to see him and I just told him we'd have to catch up further down the track, but he got the message that I didn't want to spend time with him anymore. I felt really really bad about it. I hated that I hurt his feelings. He would always show me interesting art and movies, gay cultural things that help you with your identity as a gay man in this society. He was a professional make up artist and he told me I have a beautiful and unusual nose and it makes my face special, and before that I always hated my nose so much and he really helped me to love my nose. He taught me to pluck my eyebrows so that they still look masculine, but so they look clean and tidy and "this way it really opens up your eyes". So he was a good friend to me in meaningful ways, leaving his friendship behind was not a good experience at all, it was a really conflicted and bad experience and I didn't feel good or badass or right about it, I felt regretful.
The time before that when I doorslammed was a friend who became aggressive, calling me names and approaching me with physical aggression. The friend would go from loving and adoring to scary in the space of moments. This change in my life was just a necessity. This friendship situation was frightening and I couldn't stay in that situation. This friend has recently contacted me to apologise and to tell me that they are so sorry and that they considered me to be truly their best friend at that time, and that they have gone through a lot of changes in their life that have made them a lot happier with their life and more peaceful in their self. I just told them everything is forgiven and not to ever feel bad about anything they could have done to hurt me, and that it's awesome that their life is so improved. The person really wants to reconnect with me and I'm sorry but I'm not following up on reconnecting, I just can't go back there.
I also have doorslammed my father. I heard him rape my mother when I was a teenager and after that I realised that there were a lot of other problems that I had with him. I encouraged my mother to divorce him and when they divorced I didn't see him again for about 10 years. But for some reason, my mother and my brother nagged me to see him for 10 years. He is supposedly dying but he has been dying for 10 years now. Last year I caved and let him back into my life, I made a big effort to approach him with love and authenticity and to forget about everything in the past, but it was a mistake. He told me a bunch of lies and tried to control me with lies. At this point I would not say that we are estranged again, but the situation is good. I don't want to doorslam him, but I don't want to have him in my life anymore either. I will see him with my brother only, if my brother wants that.
I have also doorslammed an ex who told me so many lies that I had a full blown psychotic episode and had to be admitted to psychiatric hospital. He came to the store where I work recently and I felt so sick about it, I kept thinking that every customer who came in the door was him, but he hasn't come back and I don't think he will, I think he knows he makes me sick.
Controlling me with lies really crosses the line for me. I'm a trusting person and I can't take being controlled with lies.
I wish that I will never have to doorslam again. It's just such a bad experience. I really hate doing it. It feels bad. There must be a better way to deal with people. If I have to, I would rather just drift away... stay acquainted... be able to say Hi if I run into them, even grab a coffee or something, or say "hey we should catch up soon!" And then go on with my life. I don't want to upset people over things they can't change about themselves. But I don't think I really have people like this in my life anymore, who act in ways that really offend or upset me. I'm pretty cautious about getting to know people because I don't want to go through this doorslamming thing again.
