Do We Grow Apart With Time?

just me

just me

Well-known member
MBTI
infj
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?

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just me said:
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?

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What are you actively doing to fix the problem? Have you fallen out of love and feel there is no hope in repair? Or do you feel if something changed, that you could rediscover what was lost?
 
I feel there are many people just living like this. I have spoken with a few and noticed a few. Lets talk hypothetically, shall we?
 
I think sometimes in these situations the other person (or both partners) might need to go do something to put themselves back in-tune with themselves and what always made them tic. Sort of to center themselves. There's only so much a partner can do for the other, when sometimes the external world and other people need to provide what completes the other person. Sometimes the person may have to go at it alone. Once they get this, their spark may come back, with an even stronger love for the partner.

Everyone needs different kinds of love from the external world. Romantic love can't always bring someone everything they need. Love from friends and family is always required, sometimes they bring certain aspects of love the person is not getting in their day to day life.

I don't think it means they love one another any less, just the person needs some time to grow.
 
Anywhere But Here said:
What are you actively doing to fix the problem? Have you fallen out of love and feel there is no hope in repair? Or do you feel if something changed, that you could rediscover what was lost?
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If a person loses the desire to be touched, it can be physical, emotional, personal, their SO, or any number of reasons or excuse(s). Lot of folk in the world automatically feel there must be someone else involved. So, there are many reasons people can feel obstructed.
 
just me said:
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?

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Well one has to be sure that they are not projecting their wants and desires. And are not actually themselves making a mess of things. People have a tendency to focus on their own needs and not the needs of others. So one can say that most people problems are actually a problem with the person not being honest with themselves and in such a condition they go into the world projecting their wants, needs and desires before really knowing what they actually are. It's not love that fails. What fails is that people are not honest about their true intentions with themselves. This leads to love and relationships that never really work out. And your left with a feeling of being misunderstood and abandoned. When it's really you that had abandoned yourself a long time ago. When you lie to yourself you lie to the everyone else too.

I have been in quite a few failed relationships. I can tell you from my own experience that when they ended I found that I was not being honest and neither was the other person. It seemed like we both tried to ignore things that should have told us to go our separate ways. But we rode the ship into the shore until we could both get away from one another. Which led to anger resentment and hate. If I would have been more honest with me I would have never dated those people. I got clues but I hoped for change. I got it but not in the direction I was expecting it to go.
 
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just me said:
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?
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No.

We should not stay in any relationship where we are kept immobilized into staying the same person we once were when the relationship was formed. We should not stay in any relationship where we are not nurtured and respected.

As you say people evolve and change over time. If the other is unwilling to accept our change this results in feelings of being stifled leading to sadness and/or anger at being held back. Resentment builds and affects the feelings of love we once held.

We would all be better off if we'd make predetermined contracts with one another with "renew" clauses built in. For example every five years the two of us would get together and do an assessment of where we are. Do we want to continue the relationship or not? This frees us from the awful panic of "how do I get out of this" creating fights and drama to create the breakup. Instead - we would know the review and assessment was coming and we could sit with ourselves and take stock of who we are now and what do want in life. It would vastly improve communication between the partners. This would work especially well for those persons wishing to have children. The whole partnership could be understood to revolve around nurturing and educating children to grow up to be the best they could be. When the children are up and on their own...then the relationship could dissolve to let each parent go on to their next creative endeavour.

We'd have a more flexible mind set going in to relationships knowing it will end at some future time. Even if I wasn't ready for it to end I would respect their position and wish them well.
 
Kgal said:
No.

We should not stay in any relationship where we are kept immobilized into staying the same person we once were when the relationship was formed. We should not stay in any relationship where we are not nurtured and respected.

As you say people evolve and change over time. If the other is unwilling to accept our change this results in feelings of being stifled leading to sadness and/or anger at being held back. Resentment builds and affects the feelings of love we once held.

We would all be better off if we'd make predetermined contracts with one another with "renew" clauses built in. For example every five years the two of us would get together and do an assessment of where we are. Do we want to continue the relationship or not? This frees us from the awful panic of "how do I get out of this" creating fights and drama to create the breakup. Instead - we would know the review and assessment was coming and we could sit with ourselves and take stock of who we are now and what do want in life. It would vastly improve communication between the partners. This would work especially well for those persons wishing to have children. The whole partnership could be understood to revolve around nurturing and educating children to grow up to be the best they could be. When the children are up and on their own...then the relationship could dissolve to let each parent go on to their next creative endeavour.

We'd have a more flexible mind set going in to relationships knowing it will end at some future time. Even if I wasn't ready for it to end I would respect their position and wish them well.
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I have to agree as is seems to be the only sane thing to do anymore. I too was filled with expectations and beliefs about how things were. Quite judgemental, if one wishes to be 'nice' about it (haha) . These things have all changed, sometimes to a radical degree. What are some of us if not radicals anyway? :D Not sure about the 'grow apart' thing, perhaps just differently? There are different paths. Personally I've always been an all or nothing kinda guy. :)
 
just me said:
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?
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Yes and no. As priorities change needs shift and what we once thought was necessary becomes just another thing that no longer has the same meaning. We reason ourselves out of giving ourselves. We forget that just because something seems watered down or redundant doesn't actually mean it is. Connection happens differently, and the search for it is exhausting.

But it's too important not to look, as the rewards are immeasurable.
 
I think it's a matter of adjustment in many cases. People aren't going to be the same forever. They grow, they develop, or in some cases go in different directions. In any case, people changing doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. Each person or as a couple you may need time to be dissatisfied, unsure, uncomfortable, or even bored especially if you've been together a long time. But it's not always a bad thing to have these feelings. Expecting complete happiness all the time is unrealistic. Maybe couples may need to give each other time to figure out what changes in feelings mean, and not necessarily assume it's bad, that something is wrong, or that someone is at fault or to blame. It could simply be part of the normal course of the relationship especially in special relationships such as marriage. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of being.
 
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quote " Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of being." unquote

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/science/16tier.html?_r=0
 
Some people grow together with time as well.
 
Think about severe pain for a moment. I speak for myself here. I am neither content with it nor happy with it. I deal with it.

Happiness: what is it, anyway? a collective state of mind? Can we measure or compare happiness? Is the desire to be happy....selfish? Don't worry; be happy?

Do I think love is the most important thing? Sex makes people happy, according to science. Sometimes our love outweighs the desire to be happy. There are so many types of love, but I am so tired. Lost my thought pattern earlier to a loud TV. That I could live without.

So sometimes people grow in different speeds and different directions. People need down time to appreciate the rest. Choose different paths. Lie to ourselves. Good thoughts. short contracts. Hmmm. Need sleep.
 
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just me said:
quote " Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of being." unquote

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/science/16tier.html?_r=0
Click to expand...

This is kind of a weird research with a questionable conclusion. So basically they phoned people up, asked them what they were doing when they phoned and how happy they were and found that people who were daydreaming were less happy than those that were busy enjoying doing something and their minds weren't wandering. The not so startling conclusion is that the people who were the happiest were the ones that were having sex, and they were in the moment and concentrating on enjoying what they were doing and not daydreaming. No kidding! This is the type of experiment that didn't need to be done because the results could have been predicted by almost everybody. Taking into account all the different activities people were doing and how happy they were the conclusion was that people who were doing something where their thoughts were wandering and they were daydreaming were the least happy. Did these people not think that perhaps the daydreaming didn't cause the unhappiness but that the unhappiness caused the daydreaming? In my opinion that is a much more likely scenario, that people doing things they don't enjoy end up daydreaming as a coping mechanism as opposed to daydreaming being the cause of the unhappiness.
 
My 26 year relationship is not a good example of what you are speaking of because we didn't grow apart, we were never really close to begin with. What it does show is that two people who are determined and loyal can make a fairly good go at a long term relationship even when it isn't very fulfilling, but "forever" becomes onerous at some point.

What I can speak of that perhaps is more along the lines of what you are discussing is my parents' 37 year marriage. My parents had their differences and disagreements but they seemed somehow to always enjoy spending time with each other until my mother died suddenly. I can tell you that one thing that I realized from my parents' relationship, my mom's death, and my dad's reaction to it, is how people take each other for granted. My parents ran a business together and worked hard with not many vacations, although they would go away on weekends. My mother wanted to travel and have some fun every once in a while instead of always working. She had a dream of going on a cruise holiday. My dad kept saying that they couldn't afford to take a holiday and they were going to do all that stuff when they retired. Luckily my mother inherited a small amount of money and convinced my dad to go along with her on a cruise holiday. I'm so glad that she got to do that because within a couple of years she was dead. After my mom died my dad sold the business, got remarried and has now been on at least a dozen cruises plus other trips. He also gets to do all sorts of things that my mom would have loved to do but couldn't because my dad wanted them to work all the time, like spending time with my mom's brother and sister and their families who live in another city where my dad lives now and my mom would have loved to live too. I kind of resent my dad for living it up now when he didn't give my mom the opportunity when she was alive. If it weren't for the cruise that she did treat herself to I think that I would be even more resentful of how much he took my mom for granted and she is the one who paid the price. My dad loved my mom very much but he was so wrapped up in everyday life that he forgot to live and he forgot that she deserved to have some of the things that she wanted.

My recommendation to anyone who has been in a long term relationship is to try to get out of the mindset of everyday living and of treating the other person as just a part of the decor or the everyday functions instead of a multidimensional human being with their own desires and their own views of life. Of course, the ultimate is when both people can do that, and of course this can only work when the people in the relationship are healthy enough mentally and emotionally to do that.
 
In my experience, taking the other person for granted after time is common. I believe that infjs are loyal and the other spouse may think after many years we will be there no matter what.
What they don't know is that we need to be loved and appreciated and we can tell when they are lying. Loyalty only goes so far if one does nothing to earn it.
 
just me said:
Marriage: the ultimate get-together. Lasts for years or lifetimes. I could say so many great things about it, but that is not the subject at hand.

Over time, many people just grow differently. It feels like it is just another part of marriage, but is it?

Should we stay somewhere because of vows and past love, watching the love deteriorate into something less suitable for ourselves? Is the infj any different than others when showing this deep commitment of everything? Can the infj live when they can no longer give something their....all? Are we fooling ourselves when we think we maybe could be happier? Should we even be thinking about this? Is it meant for us not to be happy and feel fulfilled? Should we just take it in stride? Need I say anything else? Are we wrong to think we are not worthy of someone else's love? Have we acquired an affinity to be....broken?

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Real relationships or marriage is not static. The relationship is live and breathing creation between two people who are hopefully living true to themselves. If not, then yes, you will be doomed to see and experience the deterioration of your relationship because somehow the relationship was based on false facades. Change in personality or change in perspective is not an excuse to stop loving someone. If that is the case; then it was conditional love based on pretenses that suffocated the individuals which helped in the destruction or downfall anyways. Can't look at something that was not built on real stuff and be dissapointed that it didn't last neither can you be detached from your relationship without investing in any effort to revive it and blame the institution of marriage for it.
 
Marriage needs actions. If you think that once you're married you've reached a goal and just hold on to the idea of romantic love of the newlyweds to last forever you'll going to be disappointed. You are going to grow and change and so is your loved one and it's completely up to you and your spouse what is the direction you are reaching.

I like to think that marriage is like a tree. You have to have a strong trunk which grows from the both spouse's roots equally. The stronger are the roots and the main trunk the more it is possible to grow up your own branches without the tree falling. There are times when the branches seem to be growing more on the other side of the tree and that's ok as long as it someday is the other way around. Because the tree cannot bend forever without cracking.

So what I'm trying to say is that we're not just aimless drifters in the sea of life. Also in marriage, we need to share a map, a plan and a compass.
 
A marriage is like unto a small skiff drifting in deep waters with two inside. When paddling is needed, macho man does it all until he is faint and tired. The woman should help him limit his paddling with gifts of kind words and the kindness of touch. She should help him to rest when he needs rest. Yes, she should paddle a while if she thinks it will help with their survival. The man doesn't want to see his queen paddling. The queen should know the difference in a long marriage. If she acts as if she does not care, the man is paddling in futility and takes the skiff nowhere.

When the skiff is filled with love, a current carries it wherever it need be go. Time passes with love.

When the rains come and test the roots of the tree, the tree can be uprooted if it has weak roots; whether they be on one side or both. Why the weak roots that once hosted the families together? Nurturing the roots was once automatic with love. When the nurturing stops, the love is leaving. The skiff is listing to one side and taking on water.

Love is not an army that destroys all its enemies on life's path and leaves them behind. Love heals as it goes. Love takes upon itself others' burdens. Love vanquishes all doubts and all fears. Love mends fences. Love shares love. Without it, the skiff is like unto an empty skiff resting on a rock. The tree is like a fallen tree by the river's side. A map becomes useless, as two are trying to reach the goals they have made differently. The compass had as well have been stars on a cloudy, rainy night. if nurturing along life's path is thrown away by one, how can the two travel the same road to the same destination together? Would it not take one to give his very life so the other can have what they want? Who could possibly call it love to accept such a thing?

Winter comes and goes, and new life springs forth from the trees. The deep waters flow with the melting of the ice and snow. Where are they that have been left behind? One looks back and the other looks forward. Two hearts are in two different places, yet they love each other. So goes the longing of the days when birds sang and children played. Onward; onward to our destination. It seems the very spirit of the one has been left behind with those others.
 
I think you grow in the direction you are pointing in. So its important to be aware of that direction moment to moment.
I have been in a relationship for 15 years

It's like running together holding hands.
it takes constant tending and adjustment every moment we become different people.

every time I ask "who are you now?" I get to fall in love again.

It's important to ask clearly for what you need and it's important to be totally honest. Not brutally but gently totally honest.

its not a walk in the park its flying a plane you have to use autopilot sparingly. There really is no substitute for constant vigilance.

For me I feel we grow together by growing in a simular direction. That is a constant choice. So I suppose yes if you are not choosing to grow in a simular direction to someone then you will grow apart.
 
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