Dilemma: Let be or be principled

Erlian

Erlian

Community Member
MBTI
intJ
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It's not something personal, but something I've seen someone else doing.

I'm on exchange. I live in a large hallway with mostly other students. Right opposite my room lives a French girl. She's nice, seems a bit shy sometimes.
Her boyfriend came visit for like 2 weeks in February, they were together only since half December. Tonight she slept with a different guy. Do I track her boyfriend on facebook and tell him?
If I was him, I'd certainly want to know.

So here's how I would do it if I were to stick to the principles.
1) Find him on Facebook (should be possible). Just so I'm not threatening things I cannot even do.
2) Confront her. Ask"you have a boyfriend right?" or slightly more direct "did you break up with your boyfriend?". If they broke up, I can back off.
3) If it turns out that she is indeed cheating, I'll advise her to come clean to her boyfriend, 'because he deserves to know'.
4) If she seems careless or totally without intention of telling him, I'll subtly drop that I might tell him. Because if I was in his position I'd want to know.
5) If she still doesn't care. I'll do it. If she begs me to not do it, I'll comply if she tells him instead.
6) If she promises to tell him, she still might not. I'll tell her in a week I'll toss a coin. If heads I'll tell him regardless of whether she has and won't inform her about it. Just to be sure she actually told him :p

Or I could just tell him right away. But it would be a bit awkward if they're not together anymore. Also, I want to give her a chance to explain herself.

I'm not afraid of any negative feelings that she might gain towards me. She probably will and I couldn't care less. I only say hi to her. Our hallmates are pretty non social so her anger won't be transfered over to others. Both our friendgroups have no to little interaction. She can hate me all she wants, if I believe I did the right thing I don't mind.

I feel telling him is the right thing.
Still I want your advice. What would you do? What do you think I should do? Why?

If I get an overwhelming 'let them be' from multiple sources (also outside INFJ.com), I'll likely stick to that.
 
Let it be....particularly as you barely know the girl or her soon to be maybe ex-boyfriend - the truth has a habit of surfacing of it's own accord. Personally I don't think you should get involved.....but something tells me that you are just bursting to say something. :lol:
 
Isabella said:
Personally I don't think you should get involved.....but something tells me that you are just bursting to say something. :lol:
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Yeah, mostly because if I was him I'd really really really want to know.
Truth indeed has a way of surfacing, but that's exactly why I should share the truth now. If the truth would never surface, it's easy to let it be, because it won't matter to them anyway.
Now the guy is off on his own being infatuated for months and then when she gets back it's all broken. I'd rather break it right away.

TooShyToSay said:
Do you know for certain that their relationship was monogamous? Also, you might be right in guessing that they broke up. If you know her well enough, you can ask her a few questions to find out what happened. If you don't know either of them that well, remember that you are not the relationship police. Your input might not be appreciated by either side.
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Nope, I don't know anything. That's why I would first enquire about those things.

I already feel much less urge to do it, but I perceive that as a weakness as lazyness. I still think it's the right thing to do.
 
If anything, confront her first. Going behind her back telling her boyfriend isn't gonna help her resolve her problem but is rather just making it a "punishment" for her.
Confront her, tell her that this is probably not a good thing for their relationship, and if she's not in love with him anymore she should break up. It's easy to live in a "dream" telling yourself that "it's not that bad", but when someone else gives an "external" view of the situation it can strike hard on how bad you're actually living. If she's not caring, then I don't know what to do. It depends on how much of a "moralist" you feel like :P

EDIT: I probably should explain that what I meant by "if anything, confront her first" was that if you ARE gonna confront one of them, make it be her. But overall not confronting anyone of them of course is an option. It depends on how you feel about mankinds freedom to intervein in eachothers lives. I myself would probably not dare, but would find it good to confront her in a good manner - NOT condemning, but rather explaining that this probably is destructive for both her and him.
 
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Let them be.

What we see from the outside is only our interpretation of any situation. If you get involved in something that really isn't any of your business you could make it worse.
 
I don't even see how this is any of your business..
 
It's not your responsibility to bring someone else's relationship to an end. People are often quite capable of doing that all on their own.
 
Erlian said:
If I was being cheated on, I would shower in praise a random stranger that brings it to light.
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YOU feeling that way doesn't make their business your business.
 
Elegant Winter said:
YOU feeling that way doesn't make their business your business.
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I'm projecting my personal wishes onto him. A lot of humans do this. Then they're surprised that other is different than they are.
Hence I asked here first :p
 
At most just talk to the girl. Don't just go around enforcing your morals onto others' lives like a pathetic micro-Hitler. Just imagine all the ways that other people could hurt you and ruin your life if they made their own personal morals into your business the way you are doing unto others.
 
niffer said:
At most just talk to the girl. Don't just go around enforcing your morals onto others' lives like a pathetic micro-Hitler. Just imagine all the ways that other people could hurt you and ruin your life if they made their own personal morals into your business the way you are doing unto others.
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You manage to put down in a much more beautiful manner than I did, but this is what I was trying to say :)
 
If it were my relationship, I would find your interest quite disturbing and maybe even pathological.

In fact if somebody I hardly knew came out of the blue and told me I'm being cheated on, I would find it hard to believe and question their sanity and motives because that sort of thing simply isn't done. It would seem very hyperbolic to me.
 
You already have an overly elaborate plan, so there's no stopping you. You should continue meddling in other people's lives, let us know how it works out!
 
the said:
You already have an overly elaborate plan, so there's no stopping you. You should continue meddling in other people's lives, let us know how it works out!
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Haha, no that's just me. I make a dozen elaborate plans each week. Only a fraction survives a day. And even if the intention sticks for a while, I might not actually execute it.
It's like I'm some slow law-making government. Hearing experts, advisor and committees. Making new suggestions and amendments. Passing it through parliaments.
At least all the social stuff goes like that. I like all the planning and don't mind that I plan things I never do. I do mind that I hardly do anything, even though the plans seemed so promising. I'm (possibly too) risk-averse.

I don't think I'm going to follow through on this, seeing the reactions here. Maybe if she does it again, I see a confirmation of the continuation of their relationship and I see a good opportunity to mention it. Those are unlikely odds.

I feel defeated though. The warrior against evil is hold back. Is cheating considered to be morally grey? I thought it was morally black.
Aren't we as westerners incredibly involved with meddling with the lives of people around the world? Feeding them with our morals and values.
Does your church send missionaries? Do you support Amnesty International or some other worldwide charity (that doesn't just provide food/health/shelter)?
And going really extreme, do you think we should leave the islamic state alone?

Is it because I'm interfering with personal space like relationships?
I'd consider the western perspective on a culture where a husband can beat his wife to also interfere with the personal space.
Am I targeting a specific person or case, instead of trying to address the broader issue in a general manner?
Well, it would be weird to condemn it in general and let it be in a specific case.

Where lies our disagreement? Did I oversimplify in one of the above arguments? Did I miss something?
I want to understand YOUR perspectives, so that I can learn them and consider them in the future if I come across a similar dilemma.
 
Erlian said:
Haha, no that's just me. I make a dozen elaborate plans each week. Only a fraction survives a day. And even if the intention sticks for a while, I might not actually execute it.
It's like I'm some slow law-making government. Hearing experts, advisor and committees. Making new suggestions and amendments. Passing it through parliaments.
At least all the social stuff goes like that. I like all the planning and don't mind that I plan things I never do. I do mind that I hardly do anything, even though the plans seemed so promising. I'm (possibly too) risk-averse.

I don't think I'm going to follow through on this, seeing the reactions here. Maybe if she does it again, I see a confirmation of the continuation of their relationship and I see a good opportunity to mention it. Those are unlikely odds.

I feel defeated though. The warrior against evil is hold back. Is cheating considered to be morally grey? I thought it was morally black.
Aren't we as westerners incredibly involved with meddling with the lives of people around the world? Feeding them with our morals and values.
Does your church send missionaries? Do you support Amnesty International or some other worldwide charity (that doesn't just provide food/health/shelter)?
And going really extreme, do you think we should leave the islamic state alone?

Is it because I'm interfering with personal space like relationships?
I'd consider the western perspective on a culture where a husband can beat his wife to also interfere with the personal space.
Am I targeting a specific person or case, instead of trying to address the broader issue in a general manner?
Well, it would be weird to condemn it in general and let it be in a specific case.

Where lies our disagreement? Did I oversimplify in one of the above arguments? Did I miss something?
I want to understand YOUR perspectives, so that I can learn them and consider them in the future if I come across a similar dilemma.
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I think it is interesting that you are seeking out the mobs approval when it comes to staying true to your principles. It's usually the opposite, and I find that refreshing. Is it still your principle or did you change values thanks in part to peer pressure?. Are you sure you are intj?
 
Erlian said:
If I was being cheated on, I would shower in praise a random stranger that brings it to light.
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No you would not. Trust me I've pranked enough INTJ with said scenarios. You simply cry wolf until you are blue in the face. This whole over dramatized shtick reads like the most cheesiest of bad Stephen King rip offs. You are just jealous that you aren't that second guy sharing her bed. That is what this is all about.

Now seeing as you are hell bent on confronting and hooking up with this supposed 'slut' this random stranger demands praise in the form of pics of said fraternizing escapades in particular a 'golden' shower if you will. Godspeed to thee ya horny dingo.
 
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