I often dread the pessimistic possibilities of everything I'll eventually have to face. It's heightened by social anxiety but not all dread is social, who likes chores or schoolwork anyway but I feel restless procrastinating these things, scared shitless of it all piling up on me. Success and security isn't all or nothing but I feel insecure lingering on the sloppy side of the self-preservation spectrum. Even though I'll be okay if worse comes to worse, living in a lucky country with centrelink and rich relatives, the desire to keep up with others alternates between going lassiez faire trying not to care and panicking because strained apathy suddenly couldn't escape anymore deadlines. I can only work in bursts of energy so quality of sustainability is inconsistent. I wish my perfectionistic ideals were at least a little more manipulative with applying motivational anxiety rather than accumulating wastages. Then again challenges ahead never seem to end, effort isn't ever completely paid off so its easy to fall into existential resentment.
I've come to view school and future career aspirations as a bottomless ditch I want to swerve around over a bridge; wandering into an enchanted woodland glowing with scented mushrooms and dancing cabbages, swirling pollen comets chanting rocketed round a silvery white ivory tower reaching for the clouds in the middle of a wide, sparkly, jello-groovin lagoon.
Wah, I just want plenty of free time to explore my own interests leisurely/comfortably and not have to prove how sophisticated my comprehension of them is to anyone / deal with draining, uninspiring redundant obligations reinforcing the contrived order society tries to fit us into!
glen coco~ says:
why werent u at school?
~seared conscience~ says:
duud, im onli cut owt 4 da d34d lyfstyle u no u no~
</rant>