Did you ever have an underlining feeling of dread?

Yeah, I get this a decent amount.

 

Oh goodness yes.
As a young child I was TERRIFIED my parents would get a divorce every time they argued. I understand that this is a concern of many children but I was unbelievably terrified of the idea. My fear was, at the time, unfounded. They argued like any couple, but no worse than any of my friends' parents.
My senior year of High School - they did get a divorce. When they told me they expected me to be shocked. I wasn't. I knew it was going to happen and I was finally old enough to realize that I knew they were going to eventually, I just didn't know when. It was very strange.

I get that feeling about other things too. And I am usually right about them. I've called many a friend to check on them only to find that they were in a car wreck, a family member had died or they were contemplating suicide.. I've learned to listen to whatever I feel and my friends have found that once in awhile I'll call them and simply ask, "Is everything okay?" Because I have that 'feeling' again and can't seem to pinpoint where it is coming from.
The morning of 9/11 was a living hell for me and I didn't know why until it all happened.

You aren't alone in this at all I am sure.

Great question though.

 

I usually feel like everything that is holding my life together is about to become unraveled, and I'm going to be thrown into this paroxysm of chaotic circumstances.. Can't even pinpoint what it is that I dread.. but the feeling is there..

No idea where the root of it stems from.. I'm not a rigid control freak and I'm excessively laid back, nearing slacker. Probably an existential crisis.

 

I try to get away from whatever it is if it's something that I can.

 

I see you slighly differently than this. Someone out there and in chaoticville? yes! beautifully, YES! Just like you are in connect with your right brain hemisphere. This is so your vibe to me.

 

haha yep!
(Oh, and I see you've found your avatar. Very nice!)

 

I always picture myself as having some sort of momentum that can't ever stop -- like riding a bike. I'm always afraid that if the momentum stops everything will fall apart. So, I'm always so frightened to take a vacation or just chill out for a little while. I can't explain it. It's just being driven for the sake of being driven; like a shark that can't stop swimming or else it won't be able to get oxygen through its gills. There is a rushing current pushing me in a direction and to fight it seems not only pointless but dangerous.

 

Sounds terrifying..Reminds me of how I felt when I first learned to drive and I had this kind of day-mare that one day the breaks would give out and I'd be forced to keep driving at whatever speed I was going to avoid crashing into anything..

 

I've been in that position too. My parents died when I was kinda young, and I worked on a farm from about 11 to 14 years of age to get food and shelter and stuff, but I had learned to drive and get a provisional license and I drove some really bad vehicles and sometimes the brakes did give out. I wasn't supposed to drive in town, but I did a couple of times because while I want to obey the laws, I want to obey them in the spirit, not in the letter.

 

Right-on. That's funny.

 

That's interesting. I was always hoping that they would get a divorce. I knew their relationship had no chance of survival anyway...

 

Yeah, I've told my mom on numerous occasion that the best thing she ever did for my brother and I was divorce our father..

 

My parents divorced when I was 4, and it was one of the biggest and bestest dicisions my mom has ever made.

 

I often dread the pessimistic possibilities of everything I'll eventually have to face. It's heightened by social anxiety but not all dread is social, who likes chores or schoolwork anyway but I feel restless procrastinating these things, scared shitless of it all piling up on me. Success and security isn't all or nothing but I feel insecure lingering on the sloppy side of the self-preservation spectrum. Even though I'll be okay if worse comes to worse, living in a lucky country with centrelink and rich relatives, the desire to keep up with others alternates between going lassiez faire trying not to care and panicking because strained apathy suddenly couldn't escape anymore deadlines. I can only work in bursts of energy so quality of sustainability is inconsistent. I wish my perfectionistic ideals were at least a little more manipulative with applying motivational anxiety rather than accumulating wastages. Then again challenges ahead never seem to end, effort isn't ever completely paid off so its easy to fall into existential resentment.

I've come to view school and future career aspirations as a bottomless ditch I want to swerve around over a bridge; wandering into an enchanted woodland glowing with scented mushrooms and dancing cabbages, swirling pollen comets chanting rocketed round a silvery white ivory tower reaching for the clouds in the middle of a wide, sparkly, jello-groovin lagoon.

Wah, I just want plenty of free time to explore my own interests leisurely/comfortably and not have to prove how sophisticated my comprehension of them is to anyone / deal with draining, uninspiring redundant obligations reinforcing the contrived order society tries to fit us into!

glen coco~ says:
why werent u at school?
~seared conscience~ says:
duud, im onli cut owt 4 da d34d lyfstyle u no u no~

</rant>