Did I lose my humanity trying to save it?

[vava]

Hi everyone,
First time for me to post. I’m French so I’m sorry if there is a lot of mistakes in my writing. I’m writing to have your insight an encounter I had with my therapist. I tend to overthink and overanalyze every single thing. And since I’m always right with my intuitions I tend to think that my judgment are true too. Which mostly not the case.
I’m an unhealthy INFJ (difficult childhood, unfortunate encounters as a young adult…). Now I’m trying to fix everything by meeting a therapist. It’s really helping but I feel like he really dislikes me. Last time I met him I was talking about that NGO I’m starting to help pregnant women and newborn babies… I was talking about my fear of not seeing the project come through and how stressful it was. He asked why I wanted to do it myself instead of passing the idea to a more robust organization. I replied, “I don’t want to lose the…” that when he interrupted me like “the credit, the adulation?” I was about to say “the vision”. His comment of me just killed me. He’s been knowing me for more than two months, why I am a heartless, egotistic fool to his eyes. Is it the projection I give of myself or am I overreading his comment? My bet is that I never talk about the people I intend to help, only about how it will be a chance for me to work on something I like and finally use my diplomas. I talk a lot about feeling like my professional life is a failure because I have two master’s degree and a PhD by I work as an accountant assistant because until recently I didn’t know what to with my life. That project gave me the purpose I was looking for. And I never talk about the pains I’m trying to easy because I don’t want to think about others’ pain.
Few years ago I worked as a legal advisor for asylum seekers and it just drained me. I resigned and it took me almost a year to stop thinking about some of the awful situation some of them went through, just stop thinking about them and dreaming/having nightmares about their stories. I thought that maybe I should but some distance between other feelings, others experience and mine. Did I but so much distance that now it looks like I don’t care? But how can I deeply care about babies, innocent women dying and keep my sanity?

 

[Wyote]

Can you pinpoint some of your main thoughts and concerns here? From what I gathered you have a problem with your therapist and some hesitations about your organization. Are these confidence issues or uncertainty issues? I would say that if you don't connect well with your therapist, you may want to look for one that you do connect well with. As far as your organization goes, have you invested sufficient time in learning about risk management? Do you have a clearly defined role for yourself within the organization? Brainstorm ways to protect yourself from burnout. These are a few things that may help give you confidence. Nothing is a sure bet, but you can pursue it with the right tools to be able to adapt to whatever happens.

 

[invisible]

He sounds angry and jealous. You should get rid of him and see some therapist who actually helps and encourages you.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

He may have just been unconsciously projecting his own values onto you in that instance. It might be a good idea to bring that up to him to see if that was the case or not. I wonder if he had any idea that his assumption (correct or not) would have that large of an effect upon you, and I think that your reaction is also worth exploring. Doing so may be beneficial to the both of you.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I replied, “I don’t want to lose the…” that when he interrupted me like “the credit, the adulation?” I was about to say “the vision”.

That was a definite NO, NO!! I was going to say the same thing as @Sloe Djinn - how would you feel about raising the above incident with him and telling him how you felt. It could potentially change the direction of your interactions - depending on how he reacts/his response...it may also help you to decide whether you want to continue working with him. There may be a other unconscious things going on ...I know from personal experience, I found male therapists difficult to work with because of the alpha male/hierarchy issue that would often surface (I'm not the submissive kind). xx

 

[vava]

First of all thank you all for your input.

@Wyote , you are completely right. There are two, even three different issues here.
1. My interactions with my therapist
@invisible , I’m not sure he’s jealous. I can’t figure what should he would be jealous about? I’m the one needing therapy after all. But there’s something off clearly. He looks bored or annoyed at times. Once I had to ask him if everything was ok with him. Maybe he’s frustrated that I don’t make enough progress. Or maybe I’m paranoiac as I can be when interacting with people. When I was a kid I was told several times that the more people will get to know me, the less they will like me. Those words are stuck in my mind so I tend to be defensive when it comes to human interactions. Or maybe he genuinely dislikes me. It’s hard to tell.
@Sloe Djinn @Isabella , I have to agree with you. I think I’ll bring up the issue next week and see what how he reacts. What he said bothered me so much that I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it.
Do you think that there is a possibility for me to be a narcissist despite being INFJ?
2. My fears about failing to achieve the project
@Wyote , thanks for your advices. I absolutely need to do more reading, training, thinking about the entire project. I will seek some help to put everything together too. I tend to do everything by myself which leads to burnout.
3. How I feel about making a living out of my work in that NGO
Do you guys think that I’m a bad person if I’m paid for the work I’m doing? My boyfriend thinks that there is an ethical issue since a non-profit should run benevolently? I don’t think so. I was never like “let’s start a non-profit to make some money out of it.” Is it expected to be starving while helping others?

 

[invisible]

Jealousy is real. You say you have 3 postgraduate degrees and a vision to start your own nonprofit. A lot of people would be jealous of that.

It's not the client's job to be beneficial to the therapist. It's not the client's job to have a good relationship with the therapist. It's the client's job to benefit from the therapy. That's what you're paying for. Not to get so worried by the therapy that it disturbs your sleep.

Just my 2c

 

[the]

On one hand maybe he was throwing shit at the wall to see what stuck in an attempt to help you learn another part of yourself. Obviously I don't know this guy, but maybe he is on to something, and I don't know you so ultimately it is up to you.

Do you think that there is a possibility for me to be a narcissist despite being INFJ?

Being INFJ doesn't make you immune to mental disorders.

On the other hand maybe he sucks and you should get a new therapist. You aren't stuck with the first one you pick.

Do you guys think that I’m a bad person if I’m paid for the work I’m doing? My boyfriend thinks that there is an ethical issue since a non-profit should run benevolently? I don’t think so. I was never like “let’s start a non-profit to make some money out of it.” Is it expected to be starving while helping others?

Every non-profit I have worked with has paid their CEOs and employees. (and the CEO was quite well off from it too) I think your boyfriend doesn't understand what a non-profit is.

 

[vava]

Jealousy is real. You say you have 3 postgraduate degrees and a vision to start your own nonprofit. A lot of people would be jealous of that.
It's not the client's job to be beneficial to the therapist. It's not the client's job to have a good relationship with the therapist. It's the client's job to benefit from the therapy. That's what you're paying for. Not to get so worried by the therapy that it disturbs your sleep.
Just my 2c

@invisible Thank you for views. I tend to have some self-esteem issues so it's hard for me to see how a well-rounded professional would envy me but at the same time, some people seem to be threatened by me for whatever reason. So why not? I will pay attention to it. And yes, he's supposed to help me feel better, not worst.

On one hand maybe he was throwing shit at the wall to see what stuck in an attempt to help you learn another part of yourself. Obviously I don't know this guy, but maybe he is on to something, and I don't know you so ultimately it is up to you.
Being INFJ doesn't make you immune to mental disorders.
On the other hand maybe he sucks and you should get a new therapist. You aren't stuck with the first one you pick.
Every non-profit I have worked with has paid their CEOs and employees. (and the CEO was quite well off from it too) I think your boyfriend doesn't understand what a non-profit is.

@the Sure no one is saved from mental disease (I wouldn't say that my case is pathologic though). But how can one be self-centered and empathetic at the same time?
And thank you for sharing your experience with non-profit. It's a reassurance for me.

 

[the]

... how can one be self-centered and empathetic at the same time?

Hi, welcome to the INFJ forum. Stay awhile.

 

[Wyote]

Hi, welcome to the INFJ forum. Stay awhile.

:lmao:
:hmmm::fyou::rainlove:

 

[vava]

Hi, welcome to the INFJ forum. Stay awhile.

Ok! I will never figure it out I guess

 

[Deleted member 10171]

@Isabella , I have to agree with you. I think I’ll bring up the issue next week and see what how he reacts. What he said bothered me so much that I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it.
Do you think that there is a possibility for me to be a narcissist despite being INFJ?

Hope it all goes well and the conversation is constructive and will help you and the relationship move forward.
As for your second question - am not sure where this has come from but regardless of type, anyone can fall into this category.
Questions are good and counselling is a great place to explore these things. As long as you feel safe, respected and able to work with your therapist, I would definitely take advantage of the space and time to work through the struggles that you're facing.
Much success xx

 

[vava]

Hi everyone! I’m coming back with a little update. I didn’t find the time to do it last week, sorry.
So I met with my therapist last week (we meet every Friday). I told him how disturbed I was and asked him what he really meant. He tried to “drown the fish” as we say in French, avoiding the question, playing the dizzy card: “why did you say that I was doing it to be admired” “I said that?” “Yes, in essence” “ah!” “Why did you said that?” “say what?” It was kind of annoying but he finally explained that helping others is usually motivated by egocentric needs like being loved… I was then able to explain my philosophy of life and how important it is for me to do the “right thing,” help make the world fairer…

It was all good until I met him today. Yesterday was a rocky, I felt really low, so I was really eager to meet him today to talk about it. Unfortunately, my train was late and I was really agitated when I arrived. In the middle of the session, I started blaming him for not helping me enough with practical solutions. He then suggested that we meet more than once a week. That took me aback, it just came out of nowhere. It will be more expensive for me and I’m just making enough to live decently. Plus I have a tendency in getting emotionally dependent and be too compliant. Why will he suggest that? It doesn’t look like something in my best interest. I know I should trust him more but I’m always super cautious with men in his position.

 

[vava]

BTW, how can I change the title of the thread since it's more about my therapy than anything else? thanks!

 

[Disguised]

Hey @vava ! And thanks for sharing!

How did you guys hit it off with this therapist? You talked about the recent events, but were you in better terms at first? The reason why I am asking this is that I once knew a therapist who really thought there was nothing wrong with me. Or so she liked to point it out to embrace me perhaps, but the idea of it has lingered with me ever since. I know I have quite the few issues to deal with on a regular basis, yet those things I feel as a handicap of sorts are minimal when I think about a fellow with no leg for instance.

I got the feeling your therapist might be questioning your idea himself. He might have tried to push you off to embrace you. I have no idea about this guys techniques but that's certainly what I would do. Elon Musk once told that he has turned down starting entrepreneurs by saying "you'll never going to make it". A teacher of mine also liked to rip essays during his class and calling most of them garbage, even the good ones from brilliant students. The point of it is to not seek validation no more. If you don't trust your vision from the start, it'll get torn to pieces later on much more likely.

In the middle of the session, I started blaming him for not helping me enough with practical solutions. He then suggested that we meet more than once a week. That took me aback, it just came out of nowhere. It will be more expensive for me and I’m just making enough to live decently. Plus I have a tendency in getting emotionally dependent and be too compliant. Why will he suggest that? It doesn’t look like something in my best interest. I know I should trust him more but I’m always super cautious with men in his position.

He is your therapist, not your mentor. He did exactly what you wanted in asking for more sessions, to talk more, like you wanted. Perhaps you will get to talk about the business as well, but his main goal is to help you through it mentally, not guide it. I hope you get to trust this guy. I think he might even surprise you with his methods one day. I am too very cautious with my personal things even with those who really want to help me, but that barrier is really harmful to me. Nowadays I open up to everyone, which I feel like is a good thing. Many think I'm really friggin weird, yet I wouldn't have it any other way anymore. Enough with "disguises" so to speak. How can anyone ever help you if they don't know the full story? How could they understand who you are without that information?

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

When I got a therapist, I went to three different ones and they were all really different. One, I cried at during the first (and only) session. Another made me feel nervous. The third was in a place that seemed dilapidated, but I felt comfortable talking with the therapist and she was within walking distance of my home. After seeing her for three/four years, I count myself lucky to have found someone so supportive and kind.

It sounds to me like your therapist was trying to break through your ego, which may have felt wrong to you. Us INFJs aren’t exactly known to have large egos. In that sense, he was wrong about you. It’s up to you to allow that, recognizing that people make mistakes, or make a change.

 

[La Sagna]

Bonjour vava

Not all therapists are good and not all therapists are good matches for you. Having a therapeutic bond with you therapist is really important and it doesn't sound like you are developing that kind of relationship. You might want to bring that up with him. You may be better off with a different therapist and if he's a good therapist he would be willing to discuss that with you. And you shouldn't force yourself to trust him more...go with your gut. You can't force a good therapeutic bond.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Hi everyone! I’m coming back with a little update. I didn’t find the time to do it last week, sorry.
So I met with my therapist last week (we meet every Friday). I told him how disturbed I was and asked him what he really meant. He tried to “drown the fish” as we say in French, avoiding the question, playing the dizzy card: “why did you say that I was doing it to be admired” “I said that?” “Yes, in essence” “ah!” “Why did you said that?” “say what?” It was kind of annoying but he finally explained that helping others is usually motivated by egocentric needs like being loved… I was then able to explain my philosophy of life and how important it is for me to do the “right thing,” help make the world fairer…

Regardless of his brushing you off, it was still important for you to let him know how you felt so that he may realize that he was wrong in his assumption, whether or not he's willing to admit it in person, so good job on that. It may help him to understand how his own assumptions can affect his work.

It was all good until I met him today. Yesterday was a rocky, I felt really low, so I was really eager to meet him today to talk about it. Unfortunately, my train was late and I was really agitated when I arrived. In the middle of the session, I started blaming him for not helping me enough with practical solutions. He then suggested that we meet more than once a week. That took me aback, it just came out of nowhere. It will be more expensive for me and I’m just making enough to live decently. Plus I have a tendency in getting emotionally dependent and be too compliant. Why will he suggest that? It doesn’t look like something in my best interest. I know I should trust him more but I’m always super cautious with men in his position.

I think his suggestion to meet more often is probably his offer to help you "enough", his assumption probably being that you are asking for more time with him, hence the offer of an additional session. This may not be what you meant, but I'm guessing it's how he interpreted it.