Dealing with loss and death

[April]

@aeon @Anomaly You are both very precious. Go eat! I mean that in the most loving way possible. <3 lol

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

how to proceed grief and loss?
be there.

There’s definitely no short cut. I’m happy to have the conversation started and see everyone support each other. Loss and trauma can be difficult. Take it easy on your process, please?

 

[Kgal]

...

Oh, and 30+ years later I am still raw and bereft at the death and loss of my dog, so I won’t even attempt to talk about that. Except to say when you are loved unconditionally, and that goes away, the wound is grievous and it never really heals.

Namaste,
Ian

I can relate to this. There's something about losing the pet that never goes away. I still cry about my horse and that happened 40 years ago. Big hug for you Ian.

 

[Kgal]

Oh wowww...now I'm crying remembering the moments before my father had his catastrophic stroke right there in the hospital. The whole family was in the room with him but because no one was really paying attention to his eyes they couldn't see he was stroking out right there in front of them. I saw it. I went down to the nurses station and told them. They didn't come. I tried to tell the family. They wouldn't listen.
But Dad knew I knew...
I went back down to the nurses station and looked every single one of them in the eyes until finally one of them recognized the emergency shining through me. She flew down there to his room and by then it was too late...
Too late. Too late... No one would see the truth right there in front of them.
My faith in humans died a bit that day....and I've been grieving THAT ever since.

 

[Wyote]

I've lost a lot of people that were at the time integral to how I oriented myself within the world.
All of my grandparents have passed away at this point, though all my aunts and uncles remain.
I've lost other more peripheral relatives as well, each one like a piece of me falling away.
In elementary school I sat beside my dying grandfather as he withered away from cancer in a hospice.
In junior high I had a friend who died suddenly in a car accident. My friend's girlfriend also killed herself that year.
In high school my friend's dad and wife both died in the same year. I had been the best man at the wedding.
I was there when my friend's wife was taken off life support.
Shortly after this my own dad's best friend also died suddenly. Many of my dad's friends have passed away over the years.
I watched as my grandmother drew her final breath, sitting next to her in a room full of relatives.
My other grandmother who was the definition of Christmas spirit passed away the day after Christmas.
My own best friend and non-blood brother killed himself as well.
A family friend who was like a sister to me recently died suddenly during the height of the pandemic, not covid related.
There are many others, some more peripheral than others.
Several family dogs and three sugar gliders who I loved dearly and miss regularly still sting with pain at times.
I am no stranger to loss. And I'm quite well aware that plenty more is in store for me.
Living in the moment as happily as I can is the only thing that matters to me in this life.
It is always changing. I've been able to adapt to it all, somehow over time.
Grieving is important. Know, understand, utilize and honor your process.
The pain of loss does not end, but it does become manageable.

 

[PintoBean]

It was sad when my father died, not because he died, but because of the manner in which he died. He died of ALS. I took some comfort in his death inasmuch as his suffering had ended.

When I was a child I was taught death was a part of life, and not something to fear or wish away. So when my father died, I could accept it right away. Of course, because of the ALS, I knew his death was coming, and when his death was imminent.

Did I grieve his death? I don’t know...at least not in the way it’s often described by other people. Over the last eight years there have been times when I wished he could have been here to see something, and in that sense, I miss him. And for sure, sometimes a combination of various things come together that remind me of him, and reconnect me with my memories of him, and I cry. I mean I cry, wail, and sob, and I am consumed by my feeling of loss. And then that is over and a few months will go by until it happens again. My watching baseball is typically the key triggering element.

But I talk with my mother about him, and we laugh, and together we celebrate him...perhaps most of all the things that made him human — because he was figuring it all out as he went along just like everyone else, with all that entails, but doing so in his unique way.

My mother also experiences the bolt out of the blue where suddenly the feeling of loss completely envelops her. And so she cries, in the way she does, and then it passes.

I cry when I imagine what it would be like to be my mother, and to lose him, inasmuch as I can, using my current relationship as a guide, and I am immediately and completely undone, and my only desire is to throw myself from a great height.

I think I grieved more for my mother’s loss than my own.

The other form of loss I have experienced that is close with me every day is me having been disabled by life-threatening illness. So loss of bodily function. But that doesn’t make me sad — it simply is. I’m fortunate to still be here and I do the best I can. Those losses are just matter of fact.

I think the defining element of growing old gracefully is one’s willingness to accept loss, of whatever kind, with grace. Because loss will come...of one’s own health, of one’s loved ones, of one’s friends, of one’s visibility in society, of one’s abilities, of one’s faculties, and in time, everything.

Should we be so fortunate to reach an old age, that is.

Oh, and 30+ years later I am still raw and bereft at the death and loss of my dog, so I won’t even attempt to talk about that. Except to say when you are loved unconditionally, and that goes away, the wound is grievous and it never really heals.


Namaste,
Ian

I had trouble hitting the "like" icon on this post because of the losses expressed. Both my parents have neuro diseases and the process has been long and devastating. Not to mention, the shadow of inheriting hangs over me as well. I also find that the passing of two little dogs, one in 2015 the other in 2019 respectively, is a a deep cut that will never heal.

 

[PintoBean]

Oh wowww...now I'm crying remembering the moments before my father had his catastrophic stroke right there in the hospital. The whole family was in the room with him but because no one was really paying attention to his eyes they couldn't see he was stroking out right there in front of them. I saw it. I went down to the nurses station and told them. They didn't come. I tried to tell the family. They wouldn't listen.
But Dad knew I knew...
I went back down to the nurses station and looked every single one of them in the eyes until finally one of them recognized the emergency shining through me. She flew down there to his room and by then it was too late...
Too late. Too late... No one would see the truth right there in front of them.
My faith in humans died a bit that day....and I've been grieving THAT ever since.

@Kgal my greatest condolences. Though my father is frail and deals with multiple conditions including total blindness, he's my greatest friend in life, biggest supporter, a well of kindness. It sounds as if you loved yours so much as well. I dread the day of his passing. I fear more that he will lose more dignity and autonomy, but I still do dread when he is no longer on this plain.

 

[PintoBean]

I have been losing my mother slowly to early onset dementia for a while now. It was kind of worsened and revealed earlier than it would have been by a frontal lobe tumor (I think I talk about this in my blog), but slow loss of her mental faculties persist consistently with progressive dementia. Am I grieving? Mostly no. Making sure she is safe and cared for and has what quality of life is possible is more of a practical problem. We were never close and overall she was not a great mother. I feel she did the best she could do within her particular set of limitations, and am choosing to honor her in her time of need. I don't even grieve the mother I never had, as I have heard mention of often. I mostly feel nothing but the practical hassle of hiring caregivers, contemplating the future cost of memory care, dealing with her day to day needs and wants, which are mostly on par with those of an angry, behaviorally impaired 12 year old.

 

[aeon]

I have been losing my mother slowly to...an angry, behaviorally impaired 12 year old.

@PintoBean

I am so sorry to hear this. Sorry for you, because family caregiving is a thankless and exhausting job. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and otherwise.

Some caregivers are forever changed, and in a way I wouldn’t want to see in anyone.

You take care, PintoBean. Don’t lose yourself, and don’t be consumed by it.

Best to You,
Ian

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Too late. Too late... No one would see the truth right there in front of them.
My faith in humans died a bit that day....and I've been grieving THAT ever since.

Thats what I fear is our greatest death of all. I think I lost all of it giving it away lately.
I’m sorry to have opened this thread, and thank you for everyone who’s been pitching in to support each other. Reprocessing losing people who mattered to me that didn’t to the ones I loved is the other edge of the sword I’m trying to get through that I’ve only ever hoped to give to the ones I love. So it’s good to see everyone sharing it with one another. (In complete “isfj” fashion. *insert eye roll*)

I have to keep trying to remind myself that I’m not alone as much as I’d like to be. I’m not sure if I’m losing purpose lately or if I’m just trying to grieve. I’m going to go silent for a little while while I try to regain focus on my life. Grieve and being tempted can take a toll on all of us I’m sure. Please feel free to keep supporting one another here on loss, personal “death”, trauma, etc.

 

[Kgal]

I understand you @ExhumedMorrison. <3

 

[o2b]

Hi @Anomaly -

What you shared is so powerful. I am saddened but also blessed because I feel like you gave me depth and recollection for those that I have lost.

The manner of some of your losses -and- your experience within them, makes me cry.

(It's all good. It's a kind of emoting that is good for me.)

Thank you.

 

[April]

I've lost a lot of people that were at the time integral to how I oriented myself within the world.
All of my grandparents have passed away at this point, though all my aunts and uncles remain.
I've lost other more peripheral relatives as well, each one like a piece of me falling away.
In elementary school I sat beside my dying grandfather as he withered away from cancer in a hospice.
In junior high I had a friend who died suddenly in a car accident. My friend's girlfriend also killed herself that year.
In high school my friend's dad and wife both died in the same year. I had been the best man at the wedding.
I was there when my friend's wife was taken off life support.
Shortly after this my own dad's best friend also died suddenly. Many of my dad's friends have passed away over the years.
I watched as my grandmother drew her final breath, sitting next to her in a room full of relatives.
My other grandmother who was the definition of Christmas spirit passed away the day after Christmas.
My own best friend and non-blood brother killed himself as well.
A family friend who was like a sister to me recently died suddenly during the height of the pandemic, not covid related.
There are many others, some more peripheral than others.
Several family dogs and three sugar gliders who I loved dearly and miss regularly still sting with pain at times.
I am no stranger to loss. And I'm quite well aware that plenty more is in store for me.
Living in the moment as happily as I can is the only thing that matters to me in this life.
It is always changing. I've been able to adapt to it all, somehow over time.
Grieving is important. Know, understand, utilize and honor your process.
The pain of loss does not end, but it does become manageable.

That's a lot of loss. <3 Hugs. I look up to you for how you're able to live in the moment like that, happy as you can.

 

[April]

Hi @Anomaly -

What you shared is so powerful. I am saddened but also blessed because I feel like you gave me depth and recollection for those that I have lost.

The manner of some of your losses -and- your experience within them, makes me cry.

(It's all good. It's a kind of emoting that is good for me.)

Thank you.

Her words have shaken a lot of us, so beautifully. She is truly special. I'm glad you can feel it too.

 

[April]

Oh wowww...now I'm crying remembering the moments before my father had his catastrophic stroke right there in the hospital. The whole family was in the room with him but because no one was really paying attention to his eyes they couldn't see he was stroking out right there in front of them. I saw it. I went down to the nurses station and told them. They didn't come. I tried to tell the family. They wouldn't listen.
But Dad knew I knew...
I went back down to the nurses station and looked every single one of them in the eyes until finally one of them recognized the emergency shining through me. She flew down there to his room and by then it was too late...
Too late. Too late... No one would see the truth right there in front of them.
My faith in humans died a bit that day....and I've been grieving THAT ever since.

I'm so sorry Kgal.

 

[April]

@Kgal my greatest condolences. Though my father is frail and deals with multiple conditions including total blindness, he's my greatest friend in life, biggest supporter, a well of kindness. It sounds as if you loved yours so much as well. I dread the day of his passing. I fear more that he will lose more dignity and autonomy, but I still do dread when he is no longer on this plain.

Aww. Omg. I'm sorry. So sad. This thread... we all just need to hug.
*THREAD HUGSSS*

 

[April]

Thats what I fear is our greatest death of all. I think I lost all of it giving it away lately.
I’m sorry to have opened this thread, and thank you for everyone who’s been pitching in to support each other. Reprocessing losing people who mattered to me that didn’t to the ones I loved is the other edge of the sword I’m trying to get through that I’ve only ever hoped to give to the ones I love. So it’s good to see everyone sharing it with one another. (In complete “isfj” fashion. *insert eye roll*)

I have to keep trying to remind myself that I’m not alone as much as I’d like to be. I’m not sure if I’m losing purpose lately or if I’m just trying to grieve. I’m going to go silent for a little while while I try to regain focus on my life. Grieve and being tempted can take a toll on all of us I’m sure. Please feel free to keep supporting one another here on loss, personal “death”, trauma, etc.

Please don't apologize... it's a very real thread. That is very needed. It helps us bond and heal. Thank you for it. I hope your break does you well <3

 

[David54]

Oh wowww...now I'm crying remembering the moments before my father had his catastrophic stroke right there in the hospital. The whole family was in the room with him but because no one was really paying attention to his eyes they couldn't see he was stroking out right there in front of them. I saw it. I went down to the nurses station and told them. They didn't come. I tried to tell the family. They wouldn't listen.
But Dad knew I knew...
I went back down to the nurses station and looked every single one of them in the eyes until finally one of them recognized the emergency shining through me. She flew down there to his room and by then it was too late...
Too late. Too late... No one would see the truth right there in front of them.
My faith in humans died a bit that day....and I've been grieving THAT ever since.

It broke my heart to read this...as if I as a nurse bear some responsibility. This is why when a loved one is hospitalized I become the starts worst nightmare. An RN constantly standing watch..
More than once I have prevented serious problems...ugh
But, I think you know that your father has probably already left the body he occupies. And you know, as I do, that this is a very temporary life. The Real existence is in the stars. There, we find each other as we truly are, and will love again in such a way as is not possible here.
Yet, I understand all too well the feelings of separation and loss.
I mourn daily for all he that are no longer here. Sometimes I can't breath when the weight of the reality hits me. Even now as i write this Debbie comes to mind and my heart stops and I wonder how life continues in a world without her..the band's permanently around my arm remind me of John, my parents, and I wonder how it is that I go on...alone.
Truly, I think of joining them, yet understand it is not my time for prerogative to leave just yet.
if I could, I would surround you with a hug, and hold you until the sorrow leaves

 

[April]

It broke my heart to read this...as if I as a nurse bear some responsibility. This is why when a loved one is hospitalized I become the starts worst nightmare. An RN constantly standing watch..
More than once I have prevented serious problems...ugh
But, I think you know that your father has probably already left the body he occupies. And you know, as I do, that this is a very temporary life. The Real existence is in the stars. There, we find each other as we truly are, and will love again in such a way as is not possible here.
Yet, I understand all too well the feelings of separation and loss.
I mourn daily for all he that are no longer here. Sometimes I can't breath when the weight of the reality hits me. Even now as i write this Debbie comes to mind and my heart stops and I wonder how life continues in a world without her..the band's permanently around my arm remind me of John, my parents, and I wonder how it is that I go on...alone.
Truly, I think of joining them, yet understand it is not my time for prerogative to leave just yet.
if I could, I would surround you with a hug, and hold you until the sorrow leaves

The love here is palpable. I feel it in this thread. Support. That is a highly valued form of love to me. Thank you David and others for contributing and supporting each other so. It warms my heart.

Our real existence is in the stars... hmm... I like that. <3

 

[Anomaly]

Hi @Anomaly -

What you shared is so powerful. I am saddened but also blessed because I feel like you gave me depth and recollection for those that I have lost.

The manner of some of your losses -and- your experience within them, makes me cry.

(It's all good. It's a kind of emoting that is good for me.)

Thank you.

Wow, I don't really know what to say. I hope your tears are of some comfort for you, and that whatever recollections are coming to the surface are pleasant in nature.

I appreciate you too, Tony. (Hug)