It took me a while to finally dare to write on this forum, so here I am. I want to share my story here, in hope that it will help me to move on. Right now all is a burning mess from bitterness, disappointment, and sadness.
We met 9 months ago, online via a website for language exchange. At first, it was indeed language practicing, partnership, and interesting conversations. With time, our communication grew more personal – slowly, but surely we started sharing not only our thoughts/opinions/views on different subjects, but also getting to know each other’s lives, personalities, outlooks on life etc. He shared even more details about himself. We got in touch on a regular basis, usually once a week for a long call on Skype, and sometimes during the week we chatted on FB. Although we are very different people, at the beginning it wasn’t a problem: I admired his intelligence and calm approach to life, he seemed to like my emotionality and expressiveness. The better I got to know him, the more I liked him. It seemed to be mutual, but I don’t know for sure, not anymore. I used to have one internet relationships, which ended not so well for me at that time, although we’ve stayed as friends with this guy and I’m very pleased with this friendship. What I mean is that I didn’t want to fall again in this trap, as I knew from experience how difficult it is to be real, maintain a relationships in distance, and how easily one can misunderstood/misinterpret their partner due to internet communication’s distortions. So, I didn’t want that, but couldn’t help myself: I fell for him. Everything was fine till we approached 6 months period of our acquaintance. By this time I’d found out that he was INTJ: he had suggested this test once and we took it. I had been aware that I’m INFJ long ago, however, but nonetheless was curious to know his type and learn about it. Since things began to fall out between us, and it has lasted for the last 3 months, I turned to MBTI explanations not once. I was looking for answers, read people’s thoughts and insights both here and on INTJ’s forum – nothing helped. Anyway, going back to the time when all went wrong. I guess for me half-a-year of knowing him meant something, and I wanted further development between us. Maybe, more of his attention and presence in my life. For him, it was OK to continue having conversations once in a week; for me – this and other differences between us bothered me as signs of non-interest. Conflicts, or rather misunderstandings followed by not easy conversations started. One was when I started to feel like I was bothering him, needing him more than he needed me, writing more often and getting offended when he didn’t respond. He explained that it was normal for him, that even with the closest friends he interacted once in a week the most often. He didn’t understand my need to stay in touch at least, as that was an indication of care and being there for me. He was sure we’ll be fine, I’ll understand his way of communication and get used to it. I read in it insensitivity to my needs. We tried to stay for each other as random communication partners, as we both were satisfied with our intellectual talks, but nothing more, nothing personal anymore. He was the one who eventually broke this agreement, by starting talking with me in our old personal manner and wanting me to write to him also every once in a while, sometimes first, as it used to be. I missed him so much that I agreed to start over. Meanwhile I tried to get to the core of things, to understand, so that we’ll not have these problems again. I must mention that he is very classical INTJ type. Of course, the problems started again: I still needed him, felt like we’re stuck, felt insecure, needy, and dissatisfied with his rare availability, as if my emotions and needs weren’t heard. In return, he felt tensed, as he put it – because we kept having conflicts on the same matter. As an INTJ, he tried to reasonably explain himself, but it didn’t work – surely, I understood him from the logical point of view, but deep in heart my questions stayed unanswered. We began communicating less and less often. Next was the classical “INTJ/INFJ Death Spiral”: the more I tried to mend things, the more he distanced himself. We had these rough talks, couple of times we were close to breaking up completely. I don’t know what kept us together. Both of us could clearly see that there are huge problems on emotional and communication levels, but neither of us could handle them: he due to his avoidance, me because of my reactiveness. Then he started disappearing for weeks, apologizing later that he was going through some personal crisis (unrelated to me). I tried to be supportive, but not overall, as he needed. Then there was a long silence once again. These periods of being quiet were the worst for me. They felt as big gulfs between us which couldn’t be mended. When we don’t talk, all my black thoughts, doubts have a fertile ground to grow. I mentioned it to him, - and I told him that it would work if he were there for me more often, for example having short chats between our Skype calls, - he did so. I acknowledged his efforts. For some time, things run if not smoothly, at least normally between us – we chatted quite often, shared stuff, joked, discussed topics etc. However, it has been a long time since we had a proper call, due to routine and reasons like family’s birthdays etc. OK. Next fight was when I was about to share some of my old writings from my diary, as he previously had had some interest in, and he suddenly backed off from the idea. I felt rejected, almost lost temper in response. Then was again “the silent” week or so, which maybe was good for him to think and horrible for me to stew. After that was our regular tough talk of clarifying things, and he wrote that we kept having these conflicts, although he understood they were inevitable in any relations and therefore he wasn’t suggesting ending us or anything. I got it that he was confused, he said that he felt like I believed him to be the reason of why we couldn’t happen… I suffered and started more and more perceiving him as cold, detached – yes, I know, I know, INTJ would object me saying that for that fellow a sign of interest is that he’s willing to spend time with me on meaningful conversations, but it’s not enough for me. I needed to feel some bonding, to know that I matter to him. I couldn’t bring myself to write to him, and there was another week’s silence – I’d laugh now if I wasn’t so devastated. He eventually wrote to me as if nothing happened, I pretended as well. We were in touch, chatted nicely, but whom I was going to fool – when I’m hurt, I’m hurt, and it will show sooner or later. I just can’t get over things when they are not worked through, they leave scars… So, we stayed in touch, until there was another stupid conflict, - I didn’t respond to his message in my usual ample manner, which made him unexpectedly rude. We clarified it, but in the end I wrote that apparently I didn’t know him. As a result – please don’t laugh! – there was another weekly silence, which nearly killed me! His avoidance, instead of working through difficulties, has worn me off. It was a couple of weeks ago. I plucked up my courage and wrote to him with the aim to end this nightmare which our relations has become. Unfortunately for both of us, we preferred talking over writing. It was horrible. I was cross, he was detached, - he guessed that I was mad because of another f*cking silence. Unlike most of INTJ, he is not a direct person, to my horror. He couldn’t verbalize any disturbing stuff to me, he doesn’t know how. I tried to discuss things, he was mostly listening, until I said in despair that I couldn’t keep talking things for both of us. Yes, he said sorry. Yes, he said that understood me, - not like he felt the same, but like in abstract sense. Yes, he admitted that he cared for me, that he simply didn’t know how to mend things between us – but I had to pull it out of him. Awful. I said twice that I liked him, he didn’t say it in return… He said that he expected that eventually someone would write to another one, apologize, and all would be good – just like that! Asked me whether I still going to visit his country (that was our old plan), and on my surprised confirmation he said that it would be nice to see me in person, if I still wanted it… We even laughed during that horrid conversation! In the end, though, it gone a nightmare: I needed answers, pushed him, he locked up and was – literally – silent for the hell of time… I suggested mending things – silence. I suggested saying goodbye to each other right now – silence. Then I suggested taking a pausa – he supported that idea. On the next day, though, I switched couple of times from ending things to giving them last chance. We agreed on keeping silent and thinking about our condition once more, and getting in touch later. I sent my wishes on his bd, which was a few days ago, and nothing since. I feel it as dead end. Another factor in addition to my resentment – I noticed that he visits that website for meeting new people for language exchange (or not only for language practicing?..), and does it quite actively. I felt betrayed. Of course, running for fresh relations is much easier than trying to repair the current problematic one. However, nothing can be repaired. I’ve had this feeling for rather a long time, but I was clinging to this relationships – out of hopefulness, feelings for him, or more likely my own destructiveness. I admired his brains, vast knowledge, wittiness, satire, endless curiosity to life, kindness, and much more. But I’m damaged emotionally by him, and there is no way back. The most traumatic thing for me is that not only didn’t he understand my emotions/feelings, how it was like for me, the way I reacted to him and life – he even didn’t validate my emotions, as if he didn’t believe them to be true, genuine. Another sad thing: he’s intuitive enough, he knew that I was hurt, and couldn’t be bothered to reach out to me. Maybe, he didn’t care enough, or maybe I imagined everything and for him it was usual friendship and weird girl overreacting.
Anyway, I wrote this awful piece in hope that writing itself will help me, as it usually does. Thank all of you who read it J I hope it may be useful for those of you who have encountered INTJs and maybe have some struggle. One part of me wants to scream to all the INFJs out there – if you ever meet INTJ, run! For your own sake, as eventually it would be you who get hurt! On the other hand, some conclusions can be drawn on my story. I read that there are happy INTJ/INFJ couples. Maybe, it can work out, if both partners are mature enough. In my case, we are both 28 year old with unhealthy background in terms of building relationships. Any comments are welcomed.
P.S.: Sorry for my mistakes, English is not my native language.
I know it can be hard. I'm not that insightful. I've just gone through similar breaks time and time again.
