Coming out of a 20 year relationship | INFJ Forum

Coming out of a 20 year relationship

R

RocketFuel

Four
Aug 18, 2019
4
15
448
MBTI
INFJ
Hi there,

INFJ here.

So it finally happened again. My GF decided to end our 20 year relationship after she fell in love with the guy we work with. This is not the first time she cheated on me. Yet, like the dreamer I am, the stubbornness, and the hope of a future us instantly died on July 7th.

So many emotions within me. I feel like I am being swallowed by the abyss, yet at the same time, it feels so comforting. The icing on the cake? We all work together and I have a house with my now ex. Isn't life peachy keen?

RocketFuel
 
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RocketFuel said:
Hi there,

INFJ here.

So it finally happened again. My GF decided to end our 20 year relationship after she fell in love with the guy we work with. This is not the first time she cheated on me. Yet, like the dreamer I am, the stubbornness, and the hope of a future us instantly died on July 7th.

So many emotions within me. I feel like I am being swallowed by the abyss, yet at the same time, it feels so comforting. The icing on the cake? We all work together and I have a house with my now ex. Isn't life peachy keen?

RocketFuel
Click to expand...

This is terrible... I am sending you my deepest condolences. Being cheated on by the person you thought you could trust and fully loved is perhaps one of the worst feelings you can ever go through. Cheating is inexcusable, no matter the circumstance.

I don’t know your exact situation regarding finding a new place, but I do hope you can be able to move out or at least your ex finding a new place of her own. Living with your ex will just drain you and prevent you from moving on completely. Same goes for your job, do find other employment elsewhere if possible.

While this revelation and finding out that your ex indeed is a cheating POS, it’s a blessing in disguise knowing that you aren’t married nor will be spending the rest of your life to a dishonest person.

New beginnings for you here on out. Do take your time and enjoy being single for a while, and focus on yourself. This pain will hurt for a while, but you will gain immense strength after this and new founded clarity and growth.

Sending you much love and good thoughts your way.
 
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RocketFuel said:
Hi there,

INFJ here.

So it finally happened again. My GF decided to end our 20 year relationship after she fell in love with the guy we work with. This is not the first time she cheated on me. Yet, like the dreamer I am, the stubbornness, and the hope of a future us instantly died on July 7th.

So many emotions within me. I feel like I am being swallowed by the abyss, yet at the same time, it feels so comforting. The icing on the cake? We all work together and I have a house with my now ex. Isn't life peachy keen?

RocketFuel
Click to expand...
I'm really sorry this happened to you and totally get if you need to cry.
 
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As an INFJ, I grew up always feeling alone even though I have a large family. I never understood how can someone grow up in a house full of people and yet feel weird and misunderstood. As a child, I built a wall around myself. Kids would tell me, I don't want to be your friend, but I told them I didn't care. At the end of the day, I had my family. Imagine for a moment what happens when the one place you can count on for comfort is not there for you. Not that I was abused or anything of that nature, but simply not understood.

Fast forward to high school, you meet a friend that gets you. That truly gets you. This friend even understands the darkness you go through. You realize that you have feelings for each other beyond friendship. You have found the one that truly understands you. You no longer have to be alone. You can share your life with this person. You have the intimacy you so desperately crave. You cannot imagine your life without this person. Your dreams revolve around this person. You will do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.

Then it ends.....

Your world is now in every sense destroyed.

A glimpse into the ashes of my mind..
 
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RocketFuel said:
Fast forward to high school, you meet a friend that gets you. That truly gets you. This friend even understands the darkness you go through. You realize that you have feelings for each other beyond friendship. You have found the one that truly understands you. You no longer have to be alone. You can share your life with this person. You have the intimacy you so desperately crave. You cannot imagine your life without this person. Your dreams revolve around this person. You will do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.

Then it ends.....
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry, RF. I lived this in my own story. High school best friends/sweethearts (me an INFJ; he an INTP), married young, had a handful of kids, and he fell in love with one of my closest friends. Actually, they fell in love with each other. Assured me for 5 years that their boundaries were strong and it wasn't going anywhere, and then he left me and now has been with her for 8 years. I'm not sure how much of it was lies and how much self-delusion on his part. And it wasn't the first infidelity, though the others were long in the past and I thought I was safe. You invest yourself in someone for a lifetime and expect they are doing the same.

There is still a happily-ever-after in your future. May or may not be a relationship. I surprised myself today by telling someone that I was living the happily-ever-after even though I am single.

I echo the advice to change your house and your job. You will need a fresh start for your emotions. Cut ties as quickly as reasonably possible. For me, "as quickly as possible" meant many months - go at your own pace, but move steadily in that direction. Do you have kids? It's logistically harder to get the space to heal, but still possible. Oh, this is one of the very very few people I have ever doorslammed. The doorslam makes necessary interaction tolerable.

My heart is with you. It will take time. Good luck navigating the shock and finding healing.
 
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