Can't understand an INFJ girl (just friend)

[artecbleu]

Hello !

Being an INFJ male myself, I realize HOW MUCH INFJ are complex only now that I have to deal with an INFJ girl.

Here's the story :

There's an INFJ male (ME) who met an ENFP girl who became his girlfriend. Unfortunately, the ENFP girl had an INFJ best girl friend who had a crush on the INFJ male. A serious crush. I shouldn't know it but I know it. (And she doesn't know I knew it)

The INFJ girl then travelled (something planned for ages) for six months so I didn't see her, and then she came back.
Maybe she forgot me during this time ? Maybe not ? I really don't know.

At first I thought that the situation would be complicated because I often see the INFJ girl since she's my girlfriend best friend, but in fact she was really cool in real life everytime I saw her. She was smiling, happy to see me, very welcoming and funny. I was happy because I truly wanted to be accepted by her as a friend and I thought it wouldn't be possible.

BUT these last days, I had to talk with the INFJ girl on Facebook to organize an event (group travel with my girlfriend and all her friends) and she became really strange. It was like she was snubing me, just like we never talked and laughed together before. She takes ages to reply to my messages (hours), and she almost talks like I was a stranger, without smileys etc. Almost like a corporate discussion. Thanks of Facebook, I also saw that often she connects several times and waits 30 minutes before actually reading my message, and then she often waits like 20 minutes to answer. But she was the one who talked to me at the beginning !

I'm so confused because I thought I was becoming her friend and I don't understand now. In "real life" she's smiling and seems happy, and on Facebook I feel like I'm unwanted. It's important for me because I can't just give up, she's my girlfriend best friend and I don't want to create trouble.

I'm an INFJ myself so I know that I know nothing about what she really thinks. That's a terrible feeling.
Of course I never wanted to date her and I could just ignore her, but I feel responsable of what happened and I'm not sure what I should do.

I could use some guidance or opinions.

Thank you !

 

[muir]

She has maybe twigged that you like her and so she is laying down boundaries....you know...on account of her friend being your girlfriend and all

if you like this girl...then you are going to need to end things with your current girlfriend otherwise you are going to be stringing her along while you schmooze her pal...which is pretty ....well...uncool

 

[thirdhalf]

You could reach out and try and have a conversation about it with her. Might talk with your girlfriend first if its something that should be brought up first before you talk to her friend.

Keep in mind a few things. You cannot force a certain outcome, things will lie as they lie and trying too hard is a lot of times the cause of the trouble. In the lack of observable behaviors that your intuition feeds off of (such as on an impersonal thing like Facebook) don't drive yourself crazy reading too far into things. Lastly, unless you are certain all this is about you don't assume its all about you.

 

[Scientia]

You are dating her best friend. She is probably backing off because you are off limits. If she is a true INFJ, she has also figured out a way to kill her feelings for you because she can't ever have you. My advice is to stop analyzing her every Facebook move and enjoy your relationship with the best friend.

 

[artecbleu]

She has maybe twigged that you like her and so she is laying down boundaries....you know...on account of her friend being your girlfriend and all

if you like this girl...then you are going to need to end things with your current girlfriend otherwise you are going to be stringing her along while you schmooze her pal...which is pretty ....well...uncool

No I don't like her more than as a friend, and I don't want to her boyfriend at all. I love my girlfriend !

 

[artecbleu]

You could reach out and try and have a conversation about it with her. Might talk with your girlfriend first if its something that should be brought up first before you talk to her friend.

Keep in mind a few things. You cannot force a certain outcome, things will lie as they lie and trying too hard is a lot of times the cause of the trouble. In the lack of observable behaviors that your intuition feeds off of (such as on an impersonal thing like Facebook) don't drive yourself crazy reading too far into things. Lastly, unless you are certain all this is about you don't assume its all about you.

Maybe I'm indeed analyzing too much. This is one of my weaknesses.

 

[artecbleu]

You are dating her best friend. She is probably backing off because you are off limits. If she is a true INFJ, she has also figured out a way to kill her feelings for you because she can't ever have you. My advice is to stop analyzing her every Facebook move and enjoy your relationship with the best friend.

That was I thought at first, but she is the one who came talking to me. I never asked anything and she could have send one of her friends to talk with me. But yes, I will stop with the analysis since it doesn't allow me to understand anything.

 

[Artisan]

No I don't like her more than as a friend, and I don't want to her boyfriend at all. I love my girlfriend !

Then don't read into this as shes giving you that space to have a relationship with your gf. shes just locking down her own feelings. In a way, you've been door-slammed so she can be a friend to her friend.
It is not complicated at all and if you pry into it you'll probably pry open doors better left closed.

 

[muir]

No I don't like her more than as a friend, and I don't want to her boyfriend at all. I love my girlfriend !

well if you're sure about that then don't worry about it...you can't be friends with everyone

 

[artecbleu]

You're probably right. Damn, now I'll feel guilty every time she smiles in real life.

Edit : but she has doorslammed me on Facebook but not in real life ?

 

[muir]

Just figure out what you want and then set out your stall clearly so that everyone knows where they stand

The problem is that if you do end your relationship and then make your move the INFJ will then be forced to chose between you and your girlfriend because your then ex will likely not want to be continue her friendship with the new dynamic

So if she (the INFJ) goes with her friendship (because she already knows that works) then you could end up losing both of them

 

[thirdhalf]

You're probably right. Damn, now I'll feel guilty every time she smiles in real life.

Edit : but she has doorslammed me on Facebook but not in real life ?

..you are doing it again. Be who you are. Leave her room to be who she is. And let whatever happens happen.

 

[muir]

Edit : but she has doorslammed me on Facebook but not in real life ?

facebook is public

In real life you can share a cheeky knowing smile between you without anyone else catching it, but on facebook everyone from your nan to the NSA gets to see it

That's probably why she is being cautious there