Broken Trust

All the time, people rarely gain my trust. When i finally do place my trust in them, they sometimes fuck it up (at times without meaning to) and then again it feels good to be able to experience this.

to trust means to let your guard down, to expose your self and the intimate parts of your being. If I must, I enjoy trusting others, even if it means risking being let down and dissapointed.

 

Blind Bandit.. I am so sorry that you are going through this at all. I have been where you are one too many times.

I have tried so many times to harden my own heart as a protection mechanism, and have failed at each attempt. See, I always realize that if I make myself hard it goes both ways, I will be isolated from harm, but then I would be isolated by love as well. Also, it would be going against my nature not to be a caring individual, not to love and trust the way I do, and with whom my heart chooses that I wouldn't be being true to myself. I would be giving control of myself to that emotion and I owe it to myself at least to be honest, and exactly who I am.

Life and love are not always easy things. If they are I must be functioning on the wrong channel. But I personally feel they are worth the effort and even the pain.

Another thing that has really helped me is realizing that no one should be placed on a pedestal. Every person is human after all and we all make mistakes. Everyone should try to learn from their mistakes but not everyone does, but if those people are in our vicinity, than we too should learn from their mistakes.

I'm not saying don't be guarded. I have my own little wall here as proof, but I am saying make sure there is a gate to that wall, and that you know exactly where the key is, just in case.

As for getting past this particular breach, I am entirely for forgiveness, but not forgetfulness. Remember in order to learn. Knowledge is an excellent form of protection.

You seem like an excellent friend, B.B. Stay true to yourself and remember this too shall pass. And I'm here if you want to talk more.

 

Hmmm....There is much to say, and much that will remain unsaid.

The betrayal, the breaking of trust, is a difficult thing to swallow from those whom we've allowed into the inner circle of ourselves.

But it is going to happen. It's going to happen again and again. We will even do it to others from time to time. It's part of life.

The difference is the choices you make about it. You can harden your heart against it. Or you can choose to trust and love others enough to make them an important part of your life...irregardless of the risk of hurt and betrayal you will run.

There are obvious pros and cons to each choice. And generally you can tell if you think things through...which choice is the one that best fits you.

I know from experience, that by not letting people in, you live a very lonely life. Even when you are surrounded by others. Even when you are surrounded by the very people you are bonded to through blood, or vow.

In spite of the pain and hurt that has been inflicted....just try and step back and ask if you really want to lock yourself in a one-way mirrored room. You'll see out, but no one will be allowed or able to see in.

You may find it in yourself to forgive. You may even continue to be friends. But be prepared that you will never again trust the person who betrayed you.

 

I think part of it really depends on what kind of trust was breached?

I had a really close friend of mine steal a few thousand dollars from myself and a couple mutual roommates. This I have not forgiven, and still, a year later, feel like beating the crap out of the guy if I were to run into him again.

I also have another extremely close friend, who breached my trust with some hurtful lies. I was very angry for a long time, but given some time apart, and a sincere apology on her part, I was able to forgive and rekindle a great friendship.

I have a big weakness right there though. I'm not sure if its good or bad, but I can never walk away from a sincere apology.


As for wondering if the alone is better? Of course not! You'll never lead a fulfilling life without close friends and companions, but those are impossible to obtain without trust.

 

Blind Bandit I feel your pain. In the recent past, someone very close to me shattered my trust. It was something I never thought would or could happen. I was so blissfully unaware, so content with the way I percieved the dynamic of my relationship with this person to be. I was wrong. When I found out, I felt physically sick, and numb as it sunk in. Then I woke up. It was like I had been in a dream state and suddenly I could taste reality - how things were, in comparison to my expectations. The difference was so shocking that the pain temporarily melted away and I felt alive right then. I started walking, out of my flat, down the road, I walked on and on for miles until I could walk no further. Then I made the decision to forgive this person, even though it would never be the same again. Later, as my ego re-emerged from underneath this moment of clarity, the pain came back, I railed and cried and thought bitter thoughts, but none of that could change the reality, and I'd already made the decision, the promise to continue in forgiveness, so that was that. I sought out my worn copy of Anthony de Mello's 'Awareness', and read it from cover to cover. These words hurt, but helped:

 

I think for the most part no one is that close to me. If someone betrays me I take part of the responsibility upon myself, I gave them something I was afraid to lose. I also have friends who really trust me not to tell anyone somethings and I think they remember how I don't tell. It does hurt when someone betrays me though. I forgive more then I should for the most part, but there are some things I know I cannot forgive. I conceal those things if I can, but sometimes I have no choice and I really do tell my friends how important it is to me. I have had to let a few friends go because I cannot trust them and it makes me very sad.

 

Unfortunately breach of trust is going to happen in our lives - it's a part of who we are as human beings. In order to love and be loved, we have to trust...and sometimes that person we trust will hurt us in ways we never even imagined. And it will feel like a part of our soul is ripped away. INFJs love deep and trust deep, and I think we're more sensitive to betrayal than many other types.

Saying that, it's something you have to learn to deal with. Alcyone is right, it exists and how you respond to it is key. I've had two really, *really* serious betrayals of trust in my life and they both took a long time to heal. There were no apologies, no healing of the rifts - so I had to figure out what to do with my emotions. If it's any consolation, when you get older less bothers you. So betrayals tend to be less noticed unless they're on the felonious scale.

 

I know what you mean, Blind Bandit. It really hurts when trust is broken, especially if you feel you gave someone your all and they forsake it and neglect your needs...

There's not much that can really remedy the situation. The best we can do is let it go and move on and begin the healing process...not everyone will hurt you, and you have to have the strength not to forgive them, but to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. Don't cultivate negative emotions...don't hold on to those, or it will be worse.

There will be people that will have it in their heart not to hurt you, and to understand and recognize just how much it means when you trust them. Don't allow your past pains to stop you from finding these people

 

My hug is yours whenever you need it and as far as I'm concerned you never have to feel like what you're going through is silly or pointless. You a completely entitled to feeling exactly the way that you do, and showing your emotion the way you see best. Also, don't give up on the good in life. You deserve to be happy and the good things in life most certainly should come to you.

Also, I can't see the videos you posted but one of my favorite screams is the one from Garden State made by Zach Braff. <3

 

Don't feel like there's anything wrong with the way you're feeling; I know how it is to feels to be stuck in that emotional tango with someone, and it sucks A LOT. Things will get better -- take your time and heal some in the meantime. Don't loose hope, but whenever I get in positions like these, I try to take my mind off that stuff altogether; don't get discouraged, and it's easier to do that when you're not brooding over it...


I hope things get better! Good luck!

 

There are some mighty cold people out there, and those that have no conscious about them whatsoever. I write about the extreme, but they are there. There are also people out there that have been hurt so many times they crawl inside themselves and disappear. There are those that have hurt-healed, hurt-healed, hurt-healed so many times they build walls around themselves and never allow anyone else in. Do not go there.
There are people that are in relationships that love so much they will take hurt on the chin for the other person every time, no matter what the consequences to their own self.
It is easy to become numb enough to wish to be cold-hearted and thus, less likely to be hurt. It seems to be the way some minds try to help cure the body. The human body is a most amazing thing. Your body knows what is best for it and will sometimes heal itself even if we ignore something very small. However, the mind can play tricks on us. We are capable of being led down dark, lonely roads for our own "safety". I feel one should be very wary and question our mind when tried like this. The easy way out of something, so it may actually seem to be the easy way out, may have opposite negative impacts on our own self, too.
I have so much compassion when I read where someone wants to have no more feelings because they wish to no longer suffer any pain. One good example is training for something to excel in. We push our bodies beyond that which we want to. We push and control our minds to help us keep going. The marathon runner is a great example of this. The marathon runner, or "he", trains through the pains and agonies of more than most could consider. He tries to focus beyond the pain. He tries to push that little bit beyong perception. Running through the tape at the other end of the race first before anyone else is their reward. It is an accomplishment of much training. It is an accomplishment of self-control. It takes a lot of practice, but the reward is fulfilling beyond comprehension possibly known only to those that have been there-done that-bought the t-shirt.
What does this have to do with being hurt or losing trust? Life is a constant learning process. Life throws many obstacles in our paths we must learn to overcome or avoid. Having feelings for others is a prize and there are those that could only wish to have deep feelings like some of us do. Sometimes we feel like we have "been tied to a whipping post"(Allman Brothers Band), but we learn through these times. Be strong and of good cheer if you can. Along with the many obstacles, there are resting places along life's paths and people out there to share your hurts and pains with
we learn to call friends. They may be few and far in between, but finding one is a gift of life we might never find without exploring. We often get hurt exploring, but try to work past the pain and move on. There will be plenty of time for rest when we are here no longer. Life is a treasure(quote from an old friend). Good luck but don't give up the ship. We all have hope.

Misquoted my old friend...."Life is precious."
I have to now share some of my own hurt and pain experienced through life. I use a dog because of how easily it fits in here. Sometimes dogs wander out in the road and get hit by cars. The wounded dog may hide underneath the car. I often ponder that; how a dog can find refuge underneath the very thing that has hurt them. That deserves a little exploration. Maybe it is the nearest place of refuge. Maybe it is convenient. Maybe what inflicted the pain no longer matters to the dog as much as having a place of solace. Do people do that, too, at times? I wonder...
A person may try to reach his hand out to this fluffy little guy and get his hand bit. A hurt dog will bite. Not all hurt dogs bite, but some that normally would not bite do. Do people do that, too, at times? I wonder...
If somehow the injured animal gets medical attention and returned to his home, the dog will lick his wounds. I feel people lick their wounds, metaphorically, also. Some animals lick a spot so much it can become irritated. It is this unhealthy state I wish to try and avoid. Do all things in moderation. Do not expect people to produce more than one should expect of them.
People are human and have weaknesses and learning experiences in the making. If we place our expectations too high, we can become the problem when a relationship goes south or a friend betrays our trust.
I used to expect to be treated the way I would treat people; that didn't seem to sound too much to have asked for; but, as time goes by, we may grow faster than those around us. We cannot expect someone to keep pace with us if we have experienced so much and they so little. Our hurts and pains hurt beyond others' comprehension sometimes. We learn more than they could only imagine. We have purpose and they, too, have purpose. Similarly, their strengths may be beyond our own comprehension; thus, making it possible for us to see them as being similar yet distinctively different. When we place two strengths together, the two help each other grow in areas of the other's weaknesses. This may not always be the case, but we can look for other strengths in people instead of looking for their weaknesses. We should only look for weaknesses if we are trying to address problems and thus help them find the right path or paths to strengthen those weaknesses(or if we are in some kind of competition).