Broken Trust

[Blind Bandit]

I've wanted to write something on this for a while now. It seems thought out my life I have lived with myself exposed to others offer so much only to get nothing back. Often to have pecies of myself taken from me and my sprit worn down and broken. I don't seek anything else than to have someone as a friend and someone to give me support and trust back. It seems more often then not I'm left bleeding my trust broken, feeling my heart has been ripped from chest. No one seems to care. I wonder if all INFJ have felt this way.

I talked about in another thread being so numb after a loss in the family. It was like I had lost my Fe all together. I wish I could do that now. I've had the trust of someone I consider a good friend broken . The specifics aren't important. What is is I feel betrayed and like I'm again bleeding on the floor. And some how I feel like I should know better by now.

I wonder if the amount of pain is worth it sometimes. I'm trying to get past this great breach of trust. I know I will because I care deeply about this person. But I don't know if how to do it. I don't know if I can have things the same anymore.

But again I wish I had a heart of stone so it didn't hurt so damn bad. I'm so tired of trying to be there for people on for them to turn around and stab me in the back.

But that seems to be my life. Alone or with people and being hurt.

I wonder if once and a while the alone would be better?

Have you had issue with major breaks of trust? If so how did you deal with them?

And as INFJ is there any way to steam the flow of pain in still have friends and people close to us?

I apologize for the rambling of this. I needed to say something. I just needed to get this out some how.

 

[shallowbastard]

All the time, people rarely gain my trust. When i finally do place my trust in them, they sometimes fuck it up (at times without meaning to) and then again it feels good to be able to experience this.

to trust means to let your guard down, to expose your self and the intimate parts of your being. If I must, I enjoy trusting others, even if it means risking being let down and dissapointed.

 

[dneecey]

Blind Bandit.. I am so sorry that you are going through this at all. I have been where you are one too many times.

I have tried so many times to harden my own heart as a protection mechanism, and have failed at each attempt. See, I always realize that if I make myself hard it goes both ways, I will be isolated from harm, but then I would be isolated by love as well. Also, it would be going against my nature not to be a caring individual, not to love and trust the way I do, and with whom my heart chooses that I wouldn't be being true to myself. I would be giving control of myself to that emotion and I owe it to myself at least to be honest, and exactly who I am.

Life and love are not always easy things. If they are I must be functioning on the wrong channel. But I personally feel they are worth the effort and even the pain.

Another thing that has really helped me is realizing that no one should be placed on a pedestal. Every person is human after all and we all make mistakes. Everyone should try to learn from their mistakes but not everyone does, but if those people are in our vicinity, than we too should learn from their mistakes.

I'm not saying don't be guarded. I have my own little wall here as proof, but I am saying make sure there is a gate to that wall, and that you know exactly where the key is, just in case.

As for getting past this particular breach, I am entirely for forgiveness, but not forgetfulness. Remember in order to learn. Knowledge is an excellent form of protection.

You seem like an excellent friend, B.B. Stay true to yourself and remember this too shall pass. And I'm here if you want to talk more.

 

[alcyone]

Hmmm....There is much to say, and much that will remain unsaid.

The betrayal, the breaking of trust, is a difficult thing to swallow from those whom we've allowed into the inner circle of ourselves.

But it is going to happen. It's going to happen again and again. We will even do it to others from time to time. It's part of life.

The difference is the choices you make about it. You can harden your heart against it. Or you can choose to trust and love others enough to make them an important part of your life...irregardless of the risk of hurt and betrayal you will run.

There are obvious pros and cons to each choice. And generally you can tell if you think things through...which choice is the one that best fits you.

I know from experience, that by not letting people in, you live a very lonely life. Even when you are surrounded by others. Even when you are surrounded by the very people you are bonded to through blood, or vow.

In spite of the pain and hurt that has been inflicted....just try and step back and ask if you really want to lock yourself in a one-way mirrored room. You'll see out, but no one will be allowed or able to see in.

You may find it in yourself to forgive. You may even continue to be friends. But be prepared that you will never again trust the person who betrayed you.

 

[Eh18]

I think part of it really depends on what kind of trust was breached?

I had a really close friend of mine steal a few thousand dollars from myself and a couple mutual roommates. This I have not forgiven, and still, a year later, feel like beating the crap out of the guy if I were to run into him again.

I also have another extremely close friend, who breached my trust with some hurtful lies. I was very angry for a long time, but given some time apart, and a sincere apology on her part, I was able to forgive and rekindle a great friendship.

I have a big weakness right there though. I'm not sure if its good or bad, but I can never walk away from a sincere apology.


As for wondering if the alone is better? Of course not! You'll never lead a fulfilling life without close friends and companions, but those are impossible to obtain without trust.

 

[Puck]

Blind Bandit I feel your pain. In the recent past, someone very close to me shattered my trust. It was something I never thought would or could happen. I was so blissfully unaware, so content with the way I percieved the dynamic of my relationship with this person to be. I was wrong. When I found out, I felt physically sick, and numb as it sunk in. Then I woke up. It was like I had been in a dream state and suddenly I could taste reality - how things were, in comparison to my expectations. The difference was so shocking that the pain temporarily melted away and I felt alive right then. I started walking, out of my flat, down the road, I walked on and on for miles until I could walk no further. Then I made the decision to forgive this person, even though it would never be the same again. Later, as my ego re-emerged from underneath this moment of clarity, the pain came back, I railed and cried and thought bitter thoughts, but none of that could change the reality, and I'd already made the decision, the promise to continue in forgiveness, so that was that. I sought out my worn copy of Anthony de Mello's 'Awareness', and read it from cover to cover. These words hurt, but helped:

A young man came to complain that his girlfriend had let him down, that she had played false. What are you complaining about? Did you expect any better? Expect the worst, you’re dealing with selfish people. You’re the idiot—you glorified her, didn’t you? You thought she was a princess, you thought people were nice. They’re not! They’re not nice. They’re as bad as you are—bad, you understand? They’re asleep like you. And what do you think they are going to seek? Their own self-interest, exactly like you. No difference.

Can you imagine how liberating it is that you’ll never be disillusioned again, never be disappointed again? You’ll never feel let down again. Never feel rejected. Want to wake up? You want happiness? You want freedom? Here it is: Drop your false ideas. See through people. If you see through yourself, you will see through everyone. Then you will love them. Otherwise you spend the whole time grappling with your wrong notions of them, with your illusions that are constantly crashing against reality.
It’s probably too startling for many of you to understand that everyone except the very rare awakened person can be expected to be selfish and to seek his or her own self-interest whether in coarse or in refined ways. This leads you to see that there’s nothing to be disappointed about, nothing to be disillusioned about. If you had been in touch with reality all along, you would never have been disappointed. But you chose to paint people in glowing colors; you chose not to see through human beings because you chose not to see through yourself. So you’re paying the price now.

 

[Dutch Cake]

I think for the most part no one is that close to me. If someone betrays me I take part of the responsibility upon myself, I gave them something I was afraid to lose. I also have friends who really trust me not to tell anyone somethings and I think they remember how I don't tell. It does hurt when someone betrays me though. I forgive more then I should for the most part, but there are some things I know I cannot forgive. I conceal those things if I can, but sometimes I have no choice and I really do tell my friends how important it is to me. I have had to let a few friends go because I cannot trust them and it makes me very sad.

 

[arbygil]

Unfortunately breach of trust is going to happen in our lives - it's a part of who we are as human beings. In order to love and be loved, we have to trust...and sometimes that person we trust will hurt us in ways we never even imagined. And it will feel like a part of our soul is ripped away. INFJs love deep and trust deep, and I think we're more sensitive to betrayal than many other types.

Saying that, it's something you have to learn to deal with. Alcyone is right, it exists and how you respond to it is key. I've had two really, *really* serious betrayals of trust in my life and they both took a long time to heal. There were no apologies, no healing of the rifts - so I had to figure out what to do with my emotions. If it's any consolation, when you get older less bothers you. So betrayals tend to be less noticed unless they're on the felonious scale.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I know what you mean, Blind Bandit. It really hurts when trust is broken, especially if you feel you gave someone your all and they forsake it and neglect your needs...

There's not much that can really remedy the situation. The best we can do is let it go and move on and begin the healing process...not everyone will hurt you, and you have to have the strength not to forgive them, but to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. Don't cultivate negative emotions...don't hold on to those, or it will be worse.

There will be people that will have it in their heart not to hurt you, and to understand and recognize just how much it means when you trust them. Don't allow your past pains to stop you from finding these people

 

[Blind Bandit]

Wow this thread has been harder to respond to than I thought

So for a little info about what happened.

If you see my thread about love and Fe you will understand better.

I've received an apology and an expiation but really its not enough. I hate to say that but I'm going to take a bit to be ok with all of this.

But I'm thankful I got it none the less.

So this is about a relationship with a friend. And I've had strong feelings for this person for a while.

The thing is as usually I had a very deep connection and I felt what romantic love for this person. I see it was clearly what I was thinking.

Anyway I had come to the conclusion that it wasn't possible for anything to happen between us.

I felt bad for possibly engendering my friendship with her. I wasn't ready to loose a good friend.

So I tucked those feelings away. She had understood and to a degree reached out but nothing came of it.

So I settle for a really good friendship.

Anyway just recently there was some things said and I was really hurt by a few of them. We had not talked in a bit and I thought we would never talk again.

But we are talking again and I eventually found out that she is involved with someone else and that is partly why this is hard. But whats really hard is its mutual friend and seeing the circumstances it hits too close. It seems like I lost there. I know that sounds odd but it feels like I lost something in this maybe it was a part of me I had thought I found. I felt like it could have been me.

Anyway what the trust comes in is this apparently had been brewing for a long time and she at first wouldn't tell me and I find out now and it seems like its hard to get past this. I understand she didn't know for sure but ya I deserved to know what the hell was going on.

I'm sure to anyone who is being rational this it looks silly that it bothers me so much. But of course I can't truly do that. I truly can't do that. As I love this person and I feel and I still have feelings.

So maybe I'm more angry at myself for ever thinking I would be the one to get the happy turn of life for once.

I've hard terrible times with interpersonal and romantic relationships.

I haven't had a romantic interest in at least 5 years. And I also struggle to keep friends.

It seems like people don't care as much as I do that seems to be very infj.

So ya I'm not happy but I'm happy for her. But still a sea of pain and anger right now.

Blind Bandit.. I am so sorry that you are going through this at all. I have been where you are one too many times.

I have tried so many times to harden my own heart as a protection mechanism, and have failed at each attempt. See, I always realize that if I make myself hard it goes both ways, I will be isolated from harm, but then I would be isolated by love as well. Also, it would be going against my nature not to be a caring individual, not to love and trust the way I do, and with whom my heart chooses that I wouldn't be being true to myself. I would be giving control of myself to that emotion and I owe it to myself at least to be honest, and exactly who I am.

Life and love are not always easy things. If they are I must be functioning on the wrong channel. But I personally feel they are worth the effort and even the pain.

Another thing that has really helped me is realizing that no one should be placed on a pedestal. Every person is human after all and we all make mistakes. Everyone should try to learn from their mistakes but not everyone does, but if those people are in our vicinity, than we too should learn from their mistakes.

I'm not saying don't be guarded. I have my own little wall here as proof, but I am saying make sure there is a gate to that wall, and that you know exactly where the key is, just in case.

As for getting past this particular breach, I am entirely for forgiveness, but not forgetfulness. Remember in order to learn. Knowledge is an excellent form of protection.

You seem like an excellent friend, B.B. Stay true to yourself and remember this too shall pass. And I'm here if you want to talk more.

Thanks

Thanks for the hug I needed that.

Hmmm....There is much to say, and much that will remain unsaid.

The betrayal, the breaking of trust, is a difficult thing to swallow from those whom we've allowed into the inner circle of ourselves.

But it is going to happen. It's going to happen again and again. We will even do it to others from time to time. It's part of life.

The difference is the choices you make about it. You can harden your heart against it. Or you can choose to trust and love others enough to make them an important part of your life...irregardless of the risk of hurt and betrayal you will run.

There are obvious pros and cons to each choice. And generally you can tell if you think things through...which choice is the one that best fits you.

I know from experience, that by not letting people in, you live a very lonely life. Even when you are surrounded by others. Even when you are surrounded by the very people you are bonded to through blood, or vow.

In spite of the pain and hurt that has been inflicted....just try and step back and ask if you really want to lock yourself in a one-way mirrored room. You'll see out, but no one will be allowed or able to see in.

You may find it in yourself to forgive. You may even continue to be friends. But be prepared that you will never again trust the person who betrayed you.

Very true and probably one of the things I hate most about being an INFJ.

We live in this paradox of wanting to feel but not wanting to be hurt. And it seems we can't have one without the other.

That seems so cruel and terrible.

Blind Bandit I feel your pain. In the recent past, someone very close to me shattered my trust. It was something I never thought would or could happen. I was so blissfully unaware, so content with the way I percieved the dynamic of my relationship with this person to be. I was wrong. When I found out, I felt physically sick, and numb as it sunk in. Then I woke up. It was like I had been in a dream state and suddenly I could taste reality - how things were, in comparison to my expectations. The difference was so shocking that the pain temporarily melted away and I felt alive right then. I started walking, out of my flat, down the road, I walked on and on for miles until I could walk no further. Then I made the decision to forgive this person, even though it would never be the same again. Later, as my ego re-emerged from underneath this moment of clarity, the pain came back, I railed and cried and thought bitter thoughts, but none of that could change the reality, and I'd already made the decision, the promise to continue in forgiveness, so that was that. I sought out my worn copy of Anthony de Mello's 'Awareness', and read it from cover to cover. These words hurt, but helped:

You knowing what I do you would think guess I wouldn't be so foolish.

I have know for a very long time that I'm not the one who get happiness or who wins in life.

No I get screwed and not in the good way.

I've known sense highschool that there are facts that show why people are selfish and can in some ways not know it. I mean that dosen't really cover this issue but it shows that the world we know and the world we want aren't the same.

Unfortunately breach of trust is going to happen in our lives - it's a part of who we are as human beings. In order to love and be loved, we have to trust...and sometimes that person we trust will hurt us in ways we never even imagined. And it will feel like a part of our soul is ripped away. INFJs love deep and trust deep, and I think we're more sensitive to betrayal than many other types.

Saying that, it's something you have to learn to deal with. Alcyone is right, it exists and how you respond to it is key. I've had two really, *really* serious betrayals of trust in my life and they both took a long time to heal. There were no apologies, no healing of the rifts - so I had to figure out what to do with my emotions. If it's any consolation, when you get older less bothers you. So betrayals tend to be less noticed unless they're on the felonious scale.

At least I got an apology that was very kind of the person. I respect them for that.

I've been betrayed fair worse and never received an apology.

so ya I will keep on trudging but I'm starting to wonder if I'm hoping for something I'll never find.

I know what you mean, Blind Bandit. It really hurts when trust is broken, especially if you feel you gave someone your all and they forsake it and neglect your needs...

There's not much that can really remedy the situation. The best we can do is let it go and move on and begin the healing process...not everyone will hurt you, and you have to have the strength not to forgive them, but to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. Don't cultivate negative emotions...don't hold on to those, or it will be worse.

There will be people that will have it in their heart not to hurt you, and to understand and recognize just how much it means when you trust them. Don't allow your past pains to stop you from finding these people

Don't worry I'm trying to deal with this the best I can.

I figure I need to get this out now or it will riot me from the inside.

I've found over my life that being an INFJ its really really bad to not deal with problems that cause emotional stress.

I don't want but I'm trying. Its rather tough with ES people in the house.

I need a vacation.lol

This person didn't mean to hurt me. I know that to be true.

But they didn't and its heavily my fault for caring too much.

Some songs that really represent how I feel right now.

Not happy and I think this video really shows that well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5ZbdDDNz3c

I think all Fe people can relate to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP5xFQBvwIs

I could use a good scream like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR7Sc6cKQ1A&feature=related

 

[dneecey]

My hug is yours whenever you need it and as far as I'm concerned you never have to feel like what you're going through is silly or pointless. You a completely entitled to feeling exactly the way that you do, and showing your emotion the way you see best. Also, don't give up on the good in life. You deserve to be happy and the good things in life most certainly should come to you.

Also, I can't see the videos you posted but one of my favorite screams is the one from Garden State made by Zach Braff. <3

 

[Blind Bandit]

My hug is yours whenever you need it and as far as I'm concerned you never have to feel like what you're going through is silly or pointless. You a completely entitled to feeling exactly the way that you do, and showing your emotion the way you see best. Also, don't give up on the good in life. You deserve to be happy and the good things in life most certainly should come to you.

Also, I can't see the videos you posted but one of my favorite screams is the one from Garden State made by Zach Braff. <3

Thanks and your right but I'm to the point where I don't see much good coming my way anymore.

I fixed the videos.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

Wow this thread has been harder to respond to than I thought

So for a little info about what happened.

If you see my thread about love and Fe you will understand better.

I've received an apology and an expiation but really its not enough. I hate to say that but I'm going to take a bit to be ok with all of this.

But I'm thankful I got it none the less.

So this is about a relationship with a friend. And I've had strong feelings for this person for a while.

The thing is as usually I had a very deep connection and I felt what romantic love for this person. I see it was clearly what I was thinking.

Anyway I had come to the conclusion that it wasn't possible for anything to happen between us.

I felt bad for possibly engendering my friendship with her. I wasn't ready to loose a good friend.

So I tucked those feelings away. She had understood and to a degree reached out but nothing came of it.

So I settle for a really good friendship.

Anyway just recently there was some things said and I was really hurt by a few of them. We had not talked in a bit and I thought we would never talk again.

But we are talking again and I eventually found out that she is involved with someone else and that is partly why this is hard. But whats really hard is its mutual friend and seeing the circumstances it hits too close. It seems like I lost there. I know that sounds odd but it feels like I lost something in this maybe it was a part of me I had thought I found. I felt like it could have been me.

Anyway what the trust comes in is this apparently had been brewing for a long time and she at first wouldn't tell me and I find out now and it seems like its hard to get past this. I understand she didn't know for sure but ya I deserved to know what the hell was going on.

I'm sure to anyone who is being rational this it looks silly that it bothers me so much. But of course I can't truly do that. I truly can't do that. As I love this person and I feel and I still have feelings.

So maybe I'm more angry at myself for ever thinking I would be the one to get the happy turn of life for once.

I've hard terrible times with interpersonal and romantic relationships.

I haven't had a romantic interest in at least 5 years. And I also struggle to keep friends.

It seems like people don't care as much as I do that seems to be very infj.

So ya I'm not happy but I'm happy for her. But still a sea of pain and anger right now.

Don't feel like there's anything wrong with the way you're feeling; I know how it is to feels to be stuck in that emotional tango with someone, and it sucks A LOT. Things will get better -- take your time and heal some in the meantime. Don't loose hope, but whenever I get in positions like these, I try to take my mind off that stuff altogether; don't get discouraged, and it's easier to do that when you're not brooding over it...


I hope things get better! Good luck!

 

[Blind Bandit]

It amazing I can barely type.

I'm most certainly buzzed

or even close to flat out tanked.

But I can still feel.

damn I don't want to feel anymore.

Yet I can still feel this pain in my heart.

I guess the moral of this story is no matter how fair you run you can't escape the feelings.

I wish I could just stop feeling.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap and falling for people who will never love me in the way I want them too.

I'm so tired.

I just want to have some sense of happiness ...

I'm sorry if this makes little sense.

I'm struggling to keep my sense about me. It so much easier to just fall into the buzz and revile in the good feelings.

 

[just me]

There are some mighty cold people out there, and those that have no conscious about them whatsoever. I write about the extreme, but they are there. There are also people out there that have been hurt so many times they crawl inside themselves and disappear. There are those that have hurt-healed, hurt-healed, hurt-healed so many times they build walls around themselves and never allow anyone else in. Do not go there.
There are people that are in relationships that love so much they will take hurt on the chin for the other person every time, no matter what the consequences to their own self.
It is easy to become numb enough to wish to be cold-hearted and thus, less likely to be hurt. It seems to be the way some minds try to help cure the body. The human body is a most amazing thing. Your body knows what is best for it and will sometimes heal itself even if we ignore something very small. However, the mind can play tricks on us. We are capable of being led down dark, lonely roads for our own "safety". I feel one should be very wary and question our mind when tried like this. The easy way out of something, so it may actually seem to be the easy way out, may have opposite negative impacts on our own self, too.
I have so much compassion when I read where someone wants to have no more feelings because they wish to no longer suffer any pain. One good example is training for something to excel in. We push our bodies beyond that which we want to. We push and control our minds to help us keep going. The marathon runner is a great example of this. The marathon runner, or "he", trains through the pains and agonies of more than most could consider. He tries to focus beyond the pain. He tries to push that little bit beyong perception. Running through the tape at the other end of the race first before anyone else is their reward. It is an accomplishment of much training. It is an accomplishment of self-control. It takes a lot of practice, but the reward is fulfilling beyond comprehension possibly known only to those that have been there-done that-bought the t-shirt.
What does this have to do with being hurt or losing trust? Life is a constant learning process. Life throws many obstacles in our paths we must learn to overcome or avoid. Having feelings for others is a prize and there are those that could only wish to have deep feelings like some of us do. Sometimes we feel like we have "been tied to a whipping post"(Allman Brothers Band), but we learn through these times. Be strong and of good cheer if you can. Along with the many obstacles, there are resting places along life's paths and people out there to share your hurts and pains with
we learn to call friends. They may be few and far in between, but finding one is a gift of life we might never find without exploring. We often get hurt exploring, but try to work past the pain and move on. There will be plenty of time for rest when we are here no longer. Life is a treasure(quote from an old friend). Good luck but don't give up the ship. We all have hope.

Misquoted my old friend...."Life is precious."
I have to now share some of my own hurt and pain experienced through life. I use a dog because of how easily it fits in here. Sometimes dogs wander out in the road and get hit by cars. The wounded dog may hide underneath the car. I often ponder that; how a dog can find refuge underneath the very thing that has hurt them. That deserves a little exploration. Maybe it is the nearest place of refuge. Maybe it is convenient. Maybe what inflicted the pain no longer matters to the dog as much as having a place of solace. Do people do that, too, at times? I wonder...
A person may try to reach his hand out to this fluffy little guy and get his hand bit. A hurt dog will bite. Not all hurt dogs bite, but some that normally would not bite do. Do people do that, too, at times? I wonder...
If somehow the injured animal gets medical attention and returned to his home, the dog will lick his wounds. I feel people lick their wounds, metaphorically, also. Some animals lick a spot so much it can become irritated. It is this unhealthy state I wish to try and avoid. Do all things in moderation. Do not expect people to produce more than one should expect of them.
People are human and have weaknesses and learning experiences in the making. If we place our expectations too high, we can become the problem when a relationship goes south or a friend betrays our trust.
I used to expect to be treated the way I would treat people; that didn't seem to sound too much to have asked for; but, as time goes by, we may grow faster than those around us. We cannot expect someone to keep pace with us if we have experienced so much and they so little. Our hurts and pains hurt beyond others' comprehension sometimes. We learn more than they could only imagine. We have purpose and they, too, have purpose. Similarly, their strengths may be beyond our own comprehension; thus, making it possible for us to see them as being similar yet distinctively different. When we place two strengths together, the two help each other grow in areas of the other's weaknesses. This may not always be the case, but we can look for other strengths in people instead of looking for their weaknesses. We should only look for weaknesses if we are trying to address problems and thus help them find the right path or paths to strengthen those weaknesses(or if we are in some kind of competition).