Being at peace with what you dislike.

[Matty]

Just reflecting on how a lot of people get uneasy with their preferences, especially their negative preferences (things they don't like). For example, introverts being unsettled with their dislike for noisy parties, or boisterous groups of friends, and actually wanting to immerse themselves in those situations, somehow hoping they'll enjoy it.

This can be called people wanting to push themselves outside their comfort zones, and almost implies a discomfort with one's own comfort zones.

I don't really understand the phenomenon, and can only guess the underlying issues or factors motivating the disquiet with being contented many people seem to experience. Perhaps it's envy of others, or perhaps it's wanting to be less marginal and more mainstream, or perhaps it's some sort of philosophical or moral ideal motivating the pursuit of a different affect.

Insights or sharing about disquiet with one's dislikes would be awesome.

 

[Wyote]

Great topic. I think the sooner a person can be ok with their own preferences and ok with other people's preferences being different, the better.
The problem is when a preference injects bias into circumstances that create disadvantages for others.
At least that seems to be the core of any issues there would be for preferences.

 

[Pin]

I don't like that my "forging" process isn't over yet as a young man. I have a lot to accomplish before I can get to where I want to be financially, socially, physically, romantically.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

So long that it doesn't create and impose situations where others are forced into accepting this as a social standard where long standing problems are not dealt with while new one creep up to where it is like a frog in the pot scenario.

 

[noisebloom]

I think it's a lot easier to be at peace with others' differences when you're at peace yourself.

There are certain personality attributes/tendencies that I dislike (in order of most disliked to least disliked):

1. Micromanaging/controlling
2. Inability to commit to things or properly plan
3. Excessive reliance on personal emotional beliefs
4. Excessive reliance on traditional notions

I've noticed that these tendencies have really bothered me in the last half year, to the point that it's become damn distracting and disconcerting. Normally, this isn't the case. This leads me to the conclusion that the lack of "inner peace" I feel, i.e. anxiety, unrest, etc. is magnifying how much I let my dislikes bother me.

I think being a healthy person and taking healthy actions (diet, exercise, meditation, positive social connection) can help one deal with their dislikes in a much more controlled in a less controlling manner. I would wager that I'm not the only one struggling with this during the pandemic.

I also have been struggling with what @Pin mentioned; sometimes I feel ashamed/disappointed that I'm not "complete" yet... though at the same time, it's ludicrous to expect that I would be. Life is a continuous process of growing and learning.

 

[slant]

The premise that I operate under is that we all are a result of the experiences we've had and the stories we've told ourselves. I don't think that preferences are necessarily fixed; they change over time. I'll give you a remarkably strange example.

I have hated mustard my entire life.

About 4 days ago, I suddenly developed an insatiable craving for mustard. It is to the point that I'm eating spoonfuls of it. I don't understand why I changed my preference on it, but it was rather dramatic.

We get used to disliking and liking things and as we develop as human beings we can find that the stories we tell ourselves no longer apply.

I tried liver once, and I did not like it. However recently I tried liver again; and I still did not like it. I ate it anyway because of the nutritional value and I realized there were things that I did like about it.

Perhaps what we dislike is not always something we can avoid or should avoid and so we learn to adapt.

I truly believe that adaptability is the one thing that makes people happy. If we learn when it is time to adapt, to change our thoughts or beliefs, we can go towards what we are wanting as opposed to staying stuck.

However.

This does not mean that we accept ourselves conditionally on the basis of these changes.

Me eating liver was never "if I don't like liver, there is something wrong with me, I am bad". I accept that I still don't like liver. But I also accept that in life the most damaging belief is that we can avoid getting what we don't want. The trick to happiness is to learn what to do when you are experiencing what you don't want, how to adapt to these circumstances, because we will not always get our ideals. We will not always be comfortable.

 

[Pin]

I also have been struggling with what @Pin mentioned; sometimes I feel ashamed/disappointed that I'm not "complete" yet... though at the same time, it's ludicrous to expect that I would be. Life is a continuous process of growing and learning.

A process of growing and learning indeed.

 

[hithere]

The problem is when a preference injects bias into circumstances that create disadvantages for others.
At least that seems to be the core of any issues there would be for preferences.

I agree.
I also think that staying in a comfort zone, which I guess you can call one "want" can often conflict with another "want". Sometimes it's worth it to push ourselves if the second "want" is more important.
Personally, this is something I struggle with all the time: knowing when to accept things as they are vs when to push myself.

 

[Matty]

So long that it doesn't create and impose situations where others are forced into accepting this as a social standard where long standing problems are not dealt with while new one creep up to where it is like a frog in the pot scenario.

What are you thinking about, when saying that? It just seems too vague and general to even begin to guess what scenario you might have imagined.

 

[Matty]

I think it's a lot easier to be at peace with others' differences when you're at peace yourself.

There are certain personality attributes/tendencies that I dislike (in order of most disliked to least disliked):

1. Micromanaging/controlling
2. Inability to commit to things or properly plan
3. Excessive reliance on personal emotional beliefs
4. Excessive reliance on traditional notions

I've noticed that these tendencies have really bothered me in the last half year, to the point that it's become damn distracting and disconcerting. Normally, this isn't the case. This leads me to the conclusion that the lack of "inner peace" I feel, i.e. anxiety, unrest, etc. is magnifying how much I let my dislikes bother me.

I think being a healthy person and taking healthy actions (diet, exercise, meditation, positive social connection) can help one deal with their dislikes in a much more controlled in a less controlling manner. I would wager that I'm not the only one struggling with this during the pandemic.

I also have been struggling with what @Pin mentioned; sometimes I feel ashamed/disappointed that I'm not "complete" yet... though at the same time, it's ludicrous to expect that I would be. Life is a continuous process of growing and learning.

See, I don't understand why you would plan out some sort of therapeutic lifestyle to try to make things like micromanagement more palatable to yourself. In general, I agree being at peace with oneself makes it easier to be at peace with others, but why make an exception regarding your dislikes? To follow your maxim, be at peace with your disdain for micromanagement.

In terms of practical application, it's entirely possible, practical, and realistic to engage with what one dislikes in a constructive way: to politely and professionally work with or for a micromanager, while also being absolutely clear with oneself, that it is disagreeable to oneself.

 

[noisebloom]

See, I don't understand why you would plan out some sort of therapeutic lifestyle to try to make things like micromanagement more palatable to yourself.

It's not to make the idea more palatable, it's (as you described in your OP) to be at peace with the dislike.

Have you ever had an argument with someone that turned ugly? There is a difference between having a constructive, healthy argument versus one that stirs up anger and frustration.

A therapeutic lifestyle can help one release their emotions appropriately and not let their dislikes "consume" them, which can lead to all sorts of mental and physical health issues long-term (been there myself!).

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

What are you thinking about, when saying that? It just seems too vague and general to even begin to guess what scenario you might have imagined.

That is the thing about NTs where it has to be a certain way otherwise the message is lost, being direct and honest about it I am not fond of stoicism especially where it gets imposed on a social level regardless of the setting or situation.

 

[Ren]

This can be called people wanting to push themselves outside their comfort zones, and almost implies a discomfort with one's own comfort zones.

I don't really understand the phenomenon, and can only guess the underlying issues or factors motivating the disquiet with being contented many people seem to experience. Perhaps it's envy of others, or perhaps it's wanting to be less marginal and more mainstream, or perhaps it's some sort of philosophical or moral ideal motivating the pursuit of a different affect.

It's possible that people may experience a disquiet with being contented, but I don't think this is what motivates pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone. Quite simply because being contented is not the same thing as being comfortable (in the sense of being within the 'comfort zone'). You can be comfortable lounging on a plush sofa watching Netflix all afternoon whilst actually being very discontented in another sense—for example in your sense of how you should lead your life, the projects you hope to realise, etc.

There is usually a degree of pain and effort in realising fulfilling projects which it wouldn't make sense to describe as 'comfortable'. So in this sense you push yourself out of your comfort zone to realise those projects, and that will ultimately (hopefully) lead to greater existential contentment.

I think there is a parallel here with the idea that when we are depressed, one of the most recognisable features of our depression is that our world shrinks more and more. We end up sticking to the only the most unshakeable elements of our comfort zone. Does this mean we are contented? Of course not. But we still find ways of being comfortable.

 

[Ren]

Another argument in favour of pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone, I think, is simply that we can never know exactly what the boundaries of our comfort are. Something we thought we would dislike may turn out to be something we enjoy; but in order to experience this we can't assume too quickly that we know the boundaries in advance.

This happens to me all the time with travel, for example. I'd often be like, "don't wanna travel, it's so much stress!" but typically when I do end up travelling I realise that I had a fantastic time and feel very much refreshed and more energetic when I come back.

 

[Asa]

This is about balance. Growth occurs when we push outside our comfort zones. Failure to cross the boundaries of our comfort zones leads to stagnation. Childhood is about discovery, learning, and exposure. Imagine a child that is never exposed to new experiences. It is the same for adults, though it isn't as obvious at first glance.

That said, being true to oneself is valuable, too. We must honor our boundaries and feel confident about rejecting those experiences and paths that are not right for us.

Agreeing to everything that makes us uncomfortable is just as big a weakness and rejecting everything new. The 'discomfort' is a signal. It can mean we need the experience, or that we should avoid the experience. Learning the difference between these two discomforts is key.

 

[Ren]

This is about balance. Growth occurs when we push outside our comfort zones. Failure to cross the boundaries of our comfort zones leads to stagnation. Childhood is about discovery, learning, and exposure. Imagine a child that is never exposed to new experiences. It is the same for adults, though it isn't as obvious at first glance.

That said, being true to oneself is valuable, too. We must honor our boundaries and feel confident about rejecting those experiences and paths that are not right for us.

Agreeing to everything that makes us uncomfortable is just as big a weakness and rejecting everything new. The 'discomfort' is a signal. It can mean we need the experience, or that we should avoid the experience. Learning the difference between these two discomforts is key.

I agree with everything you said. Your post is well within my comfort zone it seems

 

[slant]

Another argument in favour of pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone, I think, is simply that we can never know exactly what the boundaries of our comfort are. Something we thought we would dislike may turn out to be something we enjoy; but in order to experience this we can't assume too quickly that we know the boundaries in advance.

This happens to me all the time with travel, for example. I'd often be like, "don't wanna travel, it's so much stress!" but typically when I do end up travelling I realise that I had a fantastic time and feel very much refreshed and more energetic when I come back.

I travel so that I can be really happy when I get home "ah, that bullshit is over!! Home!!"

 

[Ren]

I travel so that I can be really happy when I get home "ah, that bullshit is over!! Home!!"

Lmao. I think the logic is somewhat similar in my case... but still, even if the only point of travelling was that it makes us appreciate the value of being home, it would still be worth it at least from time to time.

Also, when I'm on annual leave I find that travelling around a bit makes me feel more genuinely like I am 'on holiday' than if I were to just stay at home, and it's definitely a very nice feeling. In this case opting for mere comfort would ultimately stifle me a little.