being an outsider
- Thread starter natsky
- Start date
You pretty much described my entire senior year of high school. I think my situation was slightly different than yours, however, since we were all going to go our separate ways for college. Honestly, that fact helped me get through the rather violent breakdown of our friendships. I think I got out of my situation smoothly, at least compared to my former classmates.
One question that comes to mind here is how much you try to reach out to your friends? Have you tried spending more time with them by your own initiative? Putting forth a little effort can go a long way in these situations, I've found.
One question that comes to mind here is how much you try to reach out to your friends? Have you tried spending more time with them by your own initiative? Putting forth a little effort can go a long way in these situations, I've found.
This is not exclusively an infj problem either. Happened to me and actually triggered the most extreme withdrawal from society I ever embarked on. Just to illustrate one of the many incidents that wore on me. I love art galleries but there aren't many in the town I'm in. A small gallery was to exhibit some paintings but hadn't set the date yet so I mentioned that I had a heads up to my "girlfriends" and suggested we go together, only I needed them to keep tabs for the scheduling. Well, they never called me and when I questioned them on it they denied that I had even put them on to the event in the first place. This was just one in a long line of underhanded things they did. Eventually, I started avoiding them. Now, I realize that it's better to play the hypocrite. Take what you can get and forget the rest. I now just want excuses to get out of the house and "friends" are just a means to an end. I don't expect them to be truly friendly in any way.
I have tried to get involved in making plans a few times, but then didn't hear back... though in general, you have to come to me. Perhaps that wasn't quite enough of an effort. I guess it's just that it was never a problem in the past, I used to be even more evasive and they'd always include me. Maybe they got tired of it?
:/ I can definitely empathize... Something similar happened when I was invited to a get together, said I'd come, and was supposed to be told what day it was, then never heard back. And that's funny, that's the exact same advice my boyfriend always gives me. I guess I'm slowly learning not to expect too much from certain people
:/ I can definitely empathize... Something similar happened when I was invited to a get together, said I'd come, and was supposed to be told what day it was, then never heard back. And that's funny, that's the exact same advice my boyfriend always gives me. I guess I'm slowly learning not to expect too much from certain people
I've recently learnt that most people, in the end, will disappoint you in a relatively significant way. Sucks ay?
Indeed.
soulseeker - exactly! I'm much better at losing friends than making them, apparently. But you're not trash, you're just different. Many people don't appreciate different
Have you ever noticed the following:
You like someone => You do favours for that person.
You don't like someone => You don't do favours for them.
The trick seems to be to work the principle from the other direction if you want people to like you, get them to do favours for you. In fact, I know it is. The problem is that I have no respect for people who succumb to this tactic.
P.S. I would rather people be nice genuinely.
You like someone => You do favours for that person.
You don't like someone => You don't do favours for them.
The trick seems to be to work the principle from the other direction if you want people to like you, get them to do favours for you. In fact, I know it is. The problem is that I have no respect for people who succumb to this tactic.
P.S. I would rather people be nice genuinely.
My sense is that people at all times are doing the best they can to meet their own needs, with the resources available, given the situation they are in. Sometimes that will not be in alignment, and sometimes even in conflict, with one
I think i've read something similar to that before.. It's called the Benjamin Franklin effect:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect
I'd rather people be genuine, too. Also, I am a giving person and like to help people out, but then I have many issues with friends. I feel like when I help people out with a favor or I'm a shoulder to cry on or I give good advice, that does make them like me, but only when they need me. It doesn't generate any true bond, at least in my case. I feel it leads mostly to being used. It's natural for me to help people out, but in the end, I get no benefit from it.
& aeon - wise advice... I do place expectations on people, and end up becoming disappointed. I'm trying to learn not to, because people change and grow. But there's a difference between doing your best to meet your own needs and being selfish... I expect people to just be nice, but alas, I have been disappointed about that many times.
I cut useless people/leeches from my life all the time. When my friends started to become too "clingy" after high school, I just stopped calling/showing up/e-mailing. I used to actually worry about it during high school. At one point I had a group of friends who would rather hang out with themselves than invite me along (this was when I still gave a crap about them) but figured I was the only wasting energy on the relationships since they (obviously) weren't... so I stopped wasting energy.
I always lose my close friends. Usually they move or drop out of whatever else kept them in my daily life. Sometimes I don't initiate enough, but in the end I disappear from a community when I lose interest in it. Not out of malicious intent; just because I no longer enjoy myself with them.
As for being an outsider all the time, I just become an observer during any social event. I retreat into myself. When someone approaches me I'll maintain a carefree and humorous front, though I drop it the first chance I get.
:/
As for being an outsider all the time, I just become an observer during any social event. I retreat into myself. When someone approaches me I'll maintain a carefree and humorous front, though I drop it the first chance I get.
:/
It will definitely damage what little trust you have left. Luckily I have three friends that have always stayed by me...no matter how strange I may seem at times, hahah! I hope you find the right people...ugh..hate the LOOKING part! That means I have to venture out and meet a lot of people. AH! CROWDS! AHHHH!
-Anna
Very similar for me Psalm. If the depth of relationship is minimal, I generally will do little initiation. So unless the "friend" initiates, the friendship either dies or lies dormant, and dormancy usually has an expiration date.
I think I felt more of an outsider before when I used to be clingy (I was rrreeaallyyyyy clingy 
). The "trick" that worked for me is not to need or depend on my friends a lot.
I also used to have a specific group of friends. Now, I make a lot of friends but keep a few close friends. I hang out with different people but I make sure I don't lose connection with my really close friends.
That way, I won't really "need" or depend on them so much.
I guess it also goes back to .. loving myself and believing that I am valuable. So, if I try to reach out a lot of times and my friends still won't "accept" me, then whatever. hehehe they're not the only people in the world.
). The "trick" that worked for me is not to need or depend on my friends a lot. I also used to have a specific group of friends. Now, I make a lot of friends but keep a few close friends. I hang out with different people but I make sure I don't lose connection with my really close friends.
That way, I won't really "need" or depend on them so much.
I guess it also goes back to .. loving myself and believing that I am valuable. So, if I try to reach out a lot of times and my friends still won't "accept" me, then whatever.
hehehe they're not the only people in the world.