Avoiding people? | INFJ Forum

Avoiding people?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by easy_rider, Jun 3, 2009.

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  1. easy_rider

    easy_rider Community Member

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    I seem to do this a lot. One friend of mine got all pissed off at me and I just stopped talking to her and haven't spoken to her for 1 and a half years, but she's always watching me in class but ignores me. Someone that I met last year coz she was in the same classes as me, I got on really well with and I think she liked me (i pretended not to notice though coz I didn't want to go that far) and then this year we had no classes together and I haven't spoken to her for half the year now, she's never alone. And sometimes I just avoid someone for a shorter while, sometimes with no real reason. Does anyone else do this, how do you get over it, if I want to talk again after ages without seeing them, coz I'm too worried about umm I dunno what they'll think maybe? not sure why I just am
     
  2. rainrise

    rainrise Community Member

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    don't be worried about what they think
    just go for it :)
    you'll either friend them again or you'll find they don't want to be bothered. usually, they won't do the latter.
     
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  3. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    This thread might be of some help to you.

    Really, you shouldn't withdraw so much that you lose people entirely and find it difficult to reapproach them. I know it's easier said than done, but if you keep that up you risk alienating people in your life and winding up alone, which is really not a good place to be for an INFJ.

    Sometimes it's hard to make that first step to approach someone after a falling out, but I've learned you can't sit back and wait for the other person to do it. Don't let too much time pass.
     
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  4. firstjudge

    firstjudge Regular Poster

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    Avoiding people is something I do very often. Sometimes I don't even know why I do it.
     
  5. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    That seems like more of an act out of anger.

    If you hadn't been mad at your friend and you were just ignoring her, that's more how I am. I see someone I know in a store and instantly shove myself behind the nearest shelf. Someone calls me, I pick up and want to make the phone conversation brief and to the point. I only want interactions when i want interactions.
     
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  6. firstjudge

    firstjudge Regular Poster

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    lol. That's me. Sometimes even if its a friend of mine I would still hide.
     
  7. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Yeah, 'people I know' is meant as a subsitute for friends.
     
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  8. secretsmile

    secretsmile Regular Poster

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    I avoid people as well. I want to see people on my own terms. If I notice someone I'm acquainted with out in public, I go out of my way to make sure they don't see me. It's not out of anger or dislike for the person, I just really don't like those kinds of interactions (most of the time). If it's someone I have more of an established friendship with, someone I feel very comfortable with, then I don't mind "bumping into" them. Otherwise, meh, no thanks. I don't really have any good explanation for it. If I'm out with my mom, for instance, and I say "oh, there's so and so," she'll ask me "are you going to go say hi?" I'll tell her "no" in a tone of voice that sounds like "why would I do that?" lol

    I've been so bad about avoiding people throughout my life that I have literally maintained no solid friendships! With my husband being deployed, I finally decided I had to put that to an end. I can't stand the loneliness and boredom anymore, so I went out of my way to meet some girls to hang out with who are in a similar situation. :)
     
  9. court

    court Newbie

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    I avoid people too. Like secretsmile, I like to see people on my own terms. I usually only have enough energy for one relationship (outside of my children) also. So, I devote all my time to that one person and avoid everyone else.

    I have no friends. I always thought that it was because I was a military dependent and we moved around so much growing up that I never developed the necessary skills to keep friends. Now I know that that is just a small piece of the puzzle, the fact that I am INFJ has more to do with it. If it were just my lifestyle growing up then none of my siblings would be able to maintain friendships either and they most certainly can.
     
  10. chasing the wind

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    I know that the reason I do this sometimes is because of the imagined conversations I've had with people. I have imagined that they will reject me and so I assume I know what their reaction will be before even speaking with them. This is why I avoid actually talking to them. For me it is usually a certain kind of people (people who intimidate me).

    To illustrate this, there is a story I heard about a man who's car broke down one night in a somewhat remote area. He saw a light from a farmhouse and decided to ask if they had tools to fix it. On the way to the house he kept thinking of what they might say..."It's late, we don't know you, leave us alone you sicko," etc.. So, when he rings the doorbell, a woman answers and says, "Hi. Can I help you?" He responds..."JUST KEEP YOUR STUPID TOOLS!" and runs away angry.
     
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  11. squashballer

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    well actually the way I see it of why we avoid people is simple.

    Naturally we like to associate with people we have a connection with, so if we don't have a strong enough connection we tend to just ignore them.

    Also, we are jealous too especially when our friend which we are close with spends more time with someone else instead of us.

    We seek lifelong relationships, so we sometimes push too much onto others and it scares them off, and as a result we end up not giving them enough adequate space.
     
  12. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Nice theory, but what if you avoid people you have a 'connection' with as well? What if you just avoid everyone?
     
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  13. secretsmile

    secretsmile Regular Poster

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    Yep! We didn't move around a lot. We were lucky enough that once my dad got stationed here, we pretty much stayed here for the rest of my childhood. However, everyone else came and went. The military lifestyle definitely doesn't help the issues an INFJ has with friend-making, but it's not the only factor either. I agree with you. I finally just realized it's me, it's a choice I make, lol.

    I didn't have any friends outside of my husband either, but with him being gone I just couldn't take it anymore, so I forced myself to open up and look for friends. It's not that I haven't had other friends before. In fact I think when I do make friends I'm quite warm and friendly and bubbly with them. I love to laugh and I'm always smiling and joking around with them. But I can just as easily fall out of touch with people, even if I never intended to. It's not even that it bothers me, it just becomes more obvious at certain times. Like now, while planning my wedding, formulating a guest list - it's going to be all family, very few 'friends.'
     
  14. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I have to agree with chasingthewind, I tend to avoid people because I come up with the most absurd scenerios of how the conversation is going to be so I lose interest of approaching them and actually finding out that our conversation was almost exactly as how I imagined. After that it becomes an awkward experience mostly for me to start a random conversation with a person with whom i haven's spoken in a while.
     
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  15. Bored Now

    On Holiday

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    I moved around a lot too and I avoid people all the time. I have social skills but I just tend to find MOST people irritating/boring/uptight after a bit. I used to think it was shyness, but really its just introspective arrogance and self absorption. I like my boyfriend though. And to be perfectly honest, i don't really need any other friends because *no one* gets me like him. I'm screwed if things don't work out because I ignore everyone else for the most part.
     
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