Assessing Attachment In Toddlers: Three Years and Up

[CindyLou]

When adolescents have not learned proper self control, they are more prone to getting into trouble or doing drugs ... they will be hell to deal with, rule the roost and you will be nothing but a doormat.

My (oldest) ISTJ son at a young age ALWAYS got into trouble. He was very high strung and difficult. He was about as dramatic as a girl and insisted he get his way. Now at age 10 he is very rule abiding, but he likes to negotiate. Pretty much the only discipline he ever receives is if he is fighting with his brother (hitting or kicking) or if he continues to ask for something repeatedly after he's been told NO. I don't tolerate violence in any way, I never have. He is such a good kid, and I trust him. He has incredible self-control and patience with others. My (youngest) ENFP son was a perfect baby and easy toddler. He was a "go-with-the-flow" child and never dramatic. His discipline is nearly the same as the oldest ... the difference is that I have to tell him that I am very "hurt, sad or disappointed" with his actions. His empathy understands the severity of his actions ... his mind doesn't. He has more difficulty with self control ... he does something without thinking of the affect (like running out in the street without looking for cars ... I STILL have to get on him about that.) He's already cracked both elbows by doing something stupid. The funny thing (and I've heard it more than once) is that toddlers who were difficult end up being easy (perhaps b/c they require more energy/work) and toddlers that were easy end up being difficult. This tends to be true in my case. I'm quite proud of both my kids.

That's just how they are different. I hope that my experience helps you to feel better. You need to be loving, but you also need to be firm. Structure equals predictability and that is what you are striving for. When she gets to be a little older and you understand her personality better, tweak your discipline to cater to what gets through to her. For now it's the basics.

I hope you're right about the hard toddlers being easy later! That gives me some hope. I guess I was a very easy toddler but I was difficult when I was older. More so than normal anyway.

 

[CindyLou]

I can certainly empathize with the bolded. Mine are 5 and every once in a while I still have to haul them out of the park, market, etc. kicking and screaming. I need a nap after episodes like this and we usually end up taking one together lol. I think the tantrums are normal even though it can be embarrassing and taxing for you. What type of discussions do you have with her on the way back from the Meltdown? Or is she still screaming and stuff in the car?

It seems parenting is a constant troubleshooting process. You get one thing down pat, here comes the next thing. Wondering about the legitimacy of your actions is part of good parenting IMHO. Please be gentle with yourself and go with your instincts. Your daughter knows you love her. Trust.

She screams and cries all the way home! The entire time! It ruins everything and the trip home is so emotionally draining I feel like an utter failure when I get home and I'm starting to take her to do fun things less often. I could be the most successful person in the world and that car ride home would make me feel like a grain of rice. I am trying to suck it up and just prepare for it, but I get these icky feelings like she is taking advantage of me being kind and backing off on my authoritarian style parenting and I'm sooooo second guessing myself because when she wants to act like a brat she sure knows how!

 

[CindyLou]

my nieces throw tantrums, I find it best not to play their game. I will just scoop the tantruming one up, run her ass upstairs, toss her in her bed and let her cry it out alone. If she tantrums because I make her share the Ipad, she loses Ipad rights for the day and has to watch her sister get exclusive usage to it. i know people think it sounds offensive, but training kids is a lot like training dogs, just reward the good behaviors you want to instill, ignore the annoying ones, and punish the bad ones.

Would you think bad behavior is screaming and throwing a fit or is that just annoying behavior? I justified it when she was two by telling myself that being mad wasn't "wrong" so I would let her throw her fits but I'm losing my mind with them now. lolol

 

[Billy]

Would you think bad behavior is screaming and throwing a fit or is that just annoying behavior? I justified it when she was two by telling myself that being mad wasn't "wrong" so I would let her throw her fits but I'm losing my mind with them now. lolol

I would call that annoying behavior. She will do that as long as you give her a reaction, just don't react to it, put the music up and sing along to it and let her scream it out. Bad behavior would be like violent behavior, hitting, biting etc. My niece Chloe hits sometimes, which worries me because she doesn't do it out of anger, she will just walk up to her brother and bop him on the head with her doll say, not a playful bop either. I will usually punish her for that, yell at her and drag her off to her bedroom and scold her that she is supposed to protect her brother and that she is being selfish. And that I am very VERY disappointed in her. Usually that's enough to get her crying and thinking in her room and she will come out and apologize and hug him and then I will hug her and tell her I am proud that she was able to admit she was wrong.

Its all about owning the situation. They're kids... ya know? its up to us to make sure they understand that they are not the ones in control of the situation. That worries me sometimes because I don't want to hinder their independence, but I cannot allow hitting. Especially as a form of aggressive bullying or out of jealousy.

 

[CindyLou]

Its all about owning the situation. They're kids... ya know? its up to us to make sure they understand that they are not the ones in control of the situation. That worries me sometimes because I don't want to hinder their independence, but I cannot allow hitting. Especially as a form of aggressive bullying or out of jealousy.

Me neither. That has been my main thing is to let her have some choices, freedom, independence and a little control.

I understand not allowing hitting or bullying. She probably picked that up at school since she doesn't seem to be hitting him out of anger. It's good that you squash that now. I say that because I'm soooo fucked up from my twin sis being mean to me when we were little! Lol I'm kidding...not really *sob*

 

[CindyLou]

[video=youtube;rtDjrOxvGbI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtDjrOxvGbI&feature=relmfu[/video]

Interesting video. I'm going to try the watch idea. I don't believe I broken a promise to her but I've never really communicated promises and commitment to her.