Are people who have lost a loved one more conscious of their mortality?

[slant]

I've been fortunate to not have yet experienced a major death yet. My father on the other hand- every woman he's ever dated but my mother is dead, and he's had several close friends and mentors die suddenly. I think this impacted him in the sense that he doesn't seem able to really make connections anymore. After you see so much loss maybe it gets scary to form emotional connections again for fear of just losing it.

Only speculating, though, since it's not my experience.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I don't think it's appropriate to speculate that death makes one avoidant in a thread like this.

Nobody is 'damaged' for having suffered the passing of their loved ones.

 

[FiftySeven]

Nobody is 'damaged' for having suffered the passing of their loved ones.

There are plenty of damaged nobodies out there that could trace their trauma of origin to another's death.

 

[FiftySeven]

When I was a kid my Uncle died. He was buried by his brothers who each took turns with the shovel. The finality of the sound of those clods against his coffin are buried deep within me.

 

[slant]

When I was a kid my Uncle died. He was buried by his brothers who each took turns with the shovel. The finality of the sound of those clods against his coffin are buried deep within me.

Was that a tradition within your family to be buried like that?

 

[FiftySeven]

It was.

 

[SpecialEdition]

It was.

They dug their own brother's grave? I guess there would be some feeling of closure in that, being the ones to dig out your loved one's final resting place and laying him to rest with your own hands. It's not something I've ever seen done where I am - it's usually all done for you and the only thing the family does is throw hand fulls of dirt on the casket with flowers and the rest is taken care of by someone else.

 

[FiftySeven]

..... is throw hand fulls of dirt on the casket with flowers and the rest is taken care of by someone else.

We have become overly paternalistic in our death rituals. My brother forbade me from suggesting to my family that we do the same for my father.

 

[SpecialEdition]

We have become overly paternalistic in our death rituals. My brother forbade me from suggesting to my family that we do the same for my father.

Is that something you would want to do though?

 

[FiftySeven]

That is how it should be done. The digging was done by younger family and friends but the burial was done in the presence of those who attended the funeral and could bear it.

 

[John K]

That is how it should be done. The digging was done by younger family and friends but the burial was done in the presence of those who attended the funeral and could bear it.

It sounds like a very fine way of honouring physically the life of the one who has died. We dislocate ourselves so much from the cycle of life and death.

 

[SpecialEdition]

That is how it should be done. The digging was done by younger family and friends but the burial was done in the presence of those who attended the funeral and could bear it.

Navigating death can be such a complicated thing. I hope that when the time comes you're able to honour your father's passing in a way that allows you to feel closure.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

There are plenty of damaged nobodies out there that could trace their trauma of origin to another's death.

What I mean is that I find it at best insensitive and at worst suspect to insinuate that someone who has lost a partner (like me) would then be incapable of forming 'emotional connections'.

This person has accused me of 'emotional unavailability' before, and is engaged upon a bullying programme of making digs against me, some more obvious some more subtle.

This one has a lot of plausible deniability, of course, though if it isn't intended as a dig then I'm sure a reassurance would be forthcoming.

In any case, I do think it's a tad insensitive for those of us here who have shared here about losing partners. Your own use of the word 'nobodies' is of course a strange one, too.

 

[MoonFlier]

Death rituals are so different not just country to country, but region to region within our own. In my area we have some prayers at the grave site and leave the coffin hovering above the dug out spot in the earth. We tend not to stick around for the burial.

 

[FiftySeven]

I think what you (@Deleted member 16771 ) mean is that my post, and everything else that you read on this forum, is about you. If that is the case then you have my most sincere apology, if not be clear that what I am saying is that death defines us in almost every way, to think that it does not damage us is to misunderstand what psychological growth is all about. The OP has a predilection to making everything, really, about her something we all do but some of us much much more than others.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I think what you (@Deleted member 16771 ) mean is that my post, and everything else that you read on this forum, is about you. If that is the case then you have my most sincere apology, if not be clear that what I am saying is that death defines us in almost every way, to think that it does not damage us is to misunderstand what psychological growth is all about. The OP has a predilection to making everything, really, about her something we all do but some of us much much more than others.

No, what I mean is that there is cause for me specifically to be suspicious of posts like that for interpersonal reasons.

Your post, here, however, is weirdly targeted at both me and the OP now.

You really do have nothing to do with these 'dramas', and yet you insist upon insinuating yourself into them, stoking the fires, writing comics about it, creeping on blogs, &c.

You can be as snide as you like, but I'm really over giving space to passive-aggression, and if you'd like to twist that back on me (as is the way with manipulative types) then that's on you, but I don't care.

 

[FiftySeven]

i resent being thought of as passive

 

[Deleted member 16771]

i resent being thought of as passive

Lol, fair enough.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

There are plenty of damaged nobodies out there that could trace their trauma of origin to another's death.

Kinda amazed how he didn't think of how suicide affects those left behind between the loss of losing someone as well the guilt that sometimes goes along with that. I guess that it is nothing to think about until after the fact. The other scenarios that are still sadly common is often the loss of a parent or sibling from ill health or accidents ect. Ran across one story on reddit where one guy lost his sis to murder where her remains were found hacked up in burn barrel. Its a shit world really.

 

[Artemisia]

I think it is difficult for people who have not lost parents/children/spouses to understand this. And the more people you lose who are very close to you the worse it gets because each death also brings about the pain of the previous ones, also forcing you to think "I will be next". For me these deaths have probably been the most important growth experiences in my life.