Are people who have lost a loved one more conscious of their mortality?

[Artemisia]

I have noticed that a few people, including myself, who have lost parents or loved ones at younger ages (childhood, young adulthood, 20s) tend to be more conscious of their own mortality and also of the passage of time. I lost both of my parents by the time I was 34 and now, at almost 39, I feel like I reflect on my own death a lot and on how short life's duration is. I also find that I have this urge to complete the things I want to complete in order to leave behind a legacy.

Does this sound like something other people have been through? Is this constant time urgency and contemplation on the shortness of life a constant in later adulthood, I wonder?

 

[Reason]

I think losing a parent when I was 12 had me confront mortality at a young age in a serious way. I don't feel any urgency to build a legacy or anything like that but I would say it made me much more aware of my limited time on earth. I feel much at peace with the idea that I'll be gone forever one day, I don't much worry about it.

 

[David54]

Yes. Also the way realization that saving for rainy days doesn't mean much went the storm hits. Life is shory, it needs to be lived.
It was quite a mind fuck to become older than my friend older brother.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I'm not sure.

My reaction to the illness of a partner has tended to be tinged with the fear of her death; I'm assuming to a degree greater than most. I know that.

All the death that I've seen has also tended to make me more jealously protective of the few of my family that are left, and protective of our bonds.

I'm not sure that this understanding of their 'preciousness' is really the same as a closer awareness of mortality, however.

 

[Bellosome]

Yes. Lost my dad in my early 20s and lost my first ex around the same time, both rather unexpectedly. But even before their deaths, (as in as a kid/teens) I lived the saying "live as if it's your last day on earth".. it just heightened because of their deaths.

What I don't like though is that, I feel pressured all the time to do good and guilt myself if I have selfish needs because I don't want to leave and die upsetting people. Also feel time pressured when it comes to doing things. I cannot relax because I feel I am wasting my time and everyone's time and tend to do things at the same time which leaves me burned out and a little controlling.. which can be unhealthy..

But these experiences, also made me appreciate every little thing that surrounds me and the things people do for me and be more vocal about how I feel for them which I wasn't before.

 

[Wyote]

The closer we are to Death, the more urgently and fully we want to live Life

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

My first introduction to this was my great grandmother passing when I was only 6 after a family episode which hit hard as we were close. Lost a lot of close family in my 20s due to old age and ill health with the most recent being the only decent father figure I had passing at the age of 92. Sucks when a lot of family passes and the cherry on top was growing up never knowing who my dad was but I guess that has gotten to be increasingly common these days.

 

[John K]

I’ve found the thought of death very comforting since I was eight and wanted to escape from problems at school. It seemed like a good way out, and ever since I was an infant I’ve known that it’s a transition, the end of a chapter not a book. I remember a dream I had when I was five or six when I was shot by a ray from a flying saucer and I died with a wonderful feeling of peace.

I’ve never wanted to actually end my own life - that feels very wrong. It’s more like there’s a feeling of prospective end of term before a long summer vacation. Or like looking forward to retirement.

What I have found as I get older (I’m early 70s) is that the process of dying has profound consequences. One of my father’s friends died suddenly of a heart attack even though he seemed healthy. That was good way to go for him, but desperately hard on his family. My own parents and one of my grandmothers died after several years of falling apart with dementia and that was terrible for them and hard for us in a different way as their family. In these slow dying situations death becomes a blessed release for everyone and it’s filled with a sense of relief as well as sadness.

As I get older the practicalities of death are prominent. Who will go first - me or my wife? She has a chronic psychological illness that means she’ll struggle on her own. Then there’s the issue of whether to move to a home that is easier to manage if we get to our 80s and 90s - but the stress of moving is not something easy to contemplate, because it triggered breakdowns for my wife in times gone by. Also, I dread being a burden on my family if I too get a slowly deteriorating final illness.

So I guess where I am is embracing the metaphysical reality of death as a friend, but I’m pretty nervous about the logistics as I get closer to my own death.

 

[Artemisia]

@Bellosome, I feel exactly the same way. I hate the pressure I put myself through every day to produce more and more work. I am actually doing very well, but it is a rare day that I feel I am doing enough. In the back of my mind, I am afraid that I will run out of time and that I will not leave anything behind. It's an irrational feeling but it is there no matter what.

 

[Bellosome]

@Bellosome, I feel exactly the same way. I hate the pressure I put myself through every day to produce more and more work. I am actually doing very well, but it is a rare day that I feel I am doing enough. In the back of my mind, I am afraid that I will run out of time and that I will not leave anything behind. It's an irrational feeling but it is there no matter what.

Yes this is me everyday after their death. And I'm doing pretty good as well but can't really shake of that feeling and thoughts at the back of your mind if you've done everything you needed to do. It also comes off as OCD-like for me specially when I'm about to sleep. Like I mentally list down everything I've done and if I've covered enough that if I die, I was able to deliver what was needed.

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

From the age of seven years old till now I've lost many close ones of all ages. However, I became more aware of death when I was 18. So death is something I've never been afraid of, I think of death every single day and try my best to enjoy each day as though it is my last. It's not easy though and I am only human but I try as much as I can. If it is my time to go, it's my time to go.

When I do leave this world I would hope to go in peace and leave a positive impact on all the lives I've touched.

 

[Asa]

I've lost so many loved ones – both family and friends. Losing loved ones didn't make me more "conscious of my mortality". I've been conscious of my mortality for almost my entire life anyway. My parents didn't really shelter us the way kids are sheltered now, so we knew what death, sex, etc, were at a young age. My mother's death did give me a different timeframe for my life that people without such experiences lack. It was important for me to reach life goals before the age my mother died. This is common for people who've lost a parent, but others thought it was weird. Losing my mother also gave me certain wisdom prematurely. It felt like learning something I wasn't supposed to know until I was older.

 

[John K]

@Bellosome @Artemisia

I don't know if my own experience is of any value to you, but I've found that life and fulfilment is about what I am rather than what I have done. I've still had that urgency to do things in the way you describe, because it's not completely voluntary, and I've even been a bit of an adrenaline junkie in my time - but it became a response to what I am rather than what defines it, and that removed the deep existential imperative for me and I stopped needing to achieve things urgently as a kind of self justification.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but I thought I'd try and express it because it has been a very important thing for me to learn in the past, and it may be so for other people too.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Growing up I lived in a mobile home park that was geared to senior citizens. I remember we would walk to our little post office and they had a Canadian flag there and it would almost always be at half mast. We knew as kids that it meant someone had died. At some point it felt like every week someone was dying so I was very comfortable with the idea of death even as a little kid.

Members of my family started dying around grade 6 and everyone in my grandparent's generation is dead on both parents sides. If I go through my high school year books there are several "In Memoriam" pages for all my peers that died during the school year and in college one of the first friends I made and my lab partner died one weekend due to a diabetic coma.

I think being fairly suicidal myself for most of my young life it just felt like death wasn't all that scary or upsetting. If my mom calls me to tell me someone is dead I'm just kind of like "Oh ok let me know when the funeral is." It doesn't really make me think of my own mortality or like I haven't lived enough because someone else is dead. I only get that feeling when I wonder how long I'll be alive and if I'll be satisfied with how things are but it doesn't last long enough or come on strong enough for me to wake up a different person.

 

[David54]

Suicidality adds a whole different layer to the question. My own mortality has come and gone throughout my life.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

@Bellosome, I feel exactly the same way. I hate the pressure I put myself through every day to produce more and more work. I am actually doing very well, but it is a rare day that I feel I am doing enough. In the back of my mind, I am afraid that I will run out of time and that I will not leave anything behind. It's an irrational feeling but it is there no matter what.

That can make for one hell of a burn out especially when pressure is being applied by others be it on the job or at home.

 

[MoonFlier]

There are much harder things in life than knowing we'll die some day.
Having so many family and friends pass away in the last year just added to the sorrow for those left behind and the messes they're now in due to the person having left them unprepared.

That is my concern. "Get your affairs in order" means more than just pay your bills, set up POAs and your will. It means don't leave family hanging. Plan for that day when you aren't here so they can continue on.

That is what I've experienced. It really has nothing to do with mortality itself, just cleaning up the "paperwork" and implementing a plan.

 

[John K]

That is my concern. "Get your affairs in order" means more than just pay your bills, set up POAs and your will. It means don't leave family hanging. Plan for that day when you aren't here so they can continue on.

Definitely - it isn’t just in case you die unexpectedly either. When my father developed dementia in his 90s I had to sort out his house and all his finances - probably put quite a few man months of effort into that. At least they were in good order when he died several years later - it would have been a nightmare otherwise.

 

[FiftySeven]

I wonder what @the would have to say about this, he usually cut right to the point on these posts.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I wonder what @the would have to say about this, he usually cut right to the point on these posts.

I'm giving this the side eye, but I'm not sure why.

That seems a bit incongruous, 57.