[INFJ] Any of you really really hate yourself?

HelloItsMe

HelloItsMe

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I hate myself a lot. Like for years the main words repeatedly going round my head are 'i hate myself, i hate myself', 'stay away from people', 'im sorry'. I know loads of people dont like themselves/hate themselves, but do any of you feel it really strongly?

Every time I socialise, I can't help but go out when the plan is easy - fomo? - and i also cant help but talk usually, I sound confident probably, I sound like I like myself probably. Then the second I walk away this shitting dread comes along, 'fuck, fuck, what have you done, why did you talk again? why cant you just keep quiet? you worded things the wrong way, you talked about the wrong things, you must've been annoying people, get over yourself, i hate myself, i hate myself' - and that's every day of my life.

I know others must feel the same way, I just never get to talk to people who feel it as strongly as me, I guess its personal and/or people might be too nervous to talk about something like that. I think the purpose of this post is to try to start a conversation, people who feel this way might need it too. Why do we feel it this strongly? Are we as bad as we think we are? Why do you think you hate yourself so much? Is it obvious to you? Why do you think other people don't hate themselves as much? Is there any way to run away from this feeling? I'm tired.
 
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Yeah I share this tendency. I'm not sure where it stems from, but it's like a mix of being overly critical of things that can't be changed, and too focused on external validation. It's something I battle on a daily basis, like ruminating on some stupid thing I said years ago or obsessively replaying some interaction in my head for the millionth time.
 
Sloe Djinn said:
Yeah I share this tendency. I'm not sure where it stems from, but it's like a mix of being overly critical of things that can't be changed, and too focused on external validation. It's something I battle on a daily basis, like ruminating on some stupid thing I said years ago or obsessively replaying some interaction in my head for the millionth time.
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I feel this way all the time.
 
I don't 'hate' myself. I view myself as a sort of outsider... like one would view other people. I see all my faults (which make me cringe) and while I see the awesome things about me, I keep it in perspective. I know I'm not special and that my existence is essentially pointless (just like everyone else). I accept it, and feel sort of neutral about it. What choice do I have? I can't change it. I'm lucky to exist at all! We're lucky life exists at all.
When I say things like this, some people interpret it as 'depressing', but to me it is liberating, and makes me feel lighter and "at peace".
I love being alive and seeing the beauty of life all around me. I'm thrilled and inspired by it every day, and I'm grateful that the container my brain lives in is able to experience that. So, how could I "hate" being alive and getting to experience all of this?
 
As a child/teen I frequently felt that my differences and small imperfections were critical weaknesses that I'd never overcome. My (sharply negative, cynicism-charged) home environment did a lot to reinforce this. So yeah, I definitely hated myself at times. "Why can't you coast through life like others seem to?" "Why do you make things more difficult than they have to be?" "Why can't you just be NORMAL?" These were all questions I asked myself constantly.

Growing older I still ask myself these questions from time to time, but I filter them through a different lens. I've learned to adapt my strengths to carve out a place in the world I can be satisfied with. I've learned to observe and note the weaknesses of others, which may not be as apparent but are certainly there (no one is perfect or even close). In short, my self-image has evolved to where I no longer place blame on myself for my shortcomings. They simply are what they are and I have to cope with them. I find that I best cope with them by leveraging my strengths, thus rendering my weaknesses less significant.

@Asa your viewpoints below are very similar to how I look at things today, particularly the bolded. Once I learned to leverage one of my inherent strengths (objectivity, Ti-dom if you will) this became so much easier.

Asa said:
I don't 'hate' myself. I view myself as a sort of outsider... like one would view other people. I see all my faults (which make me cringe) and while I see the awesome things about me, I keep it in perspective. I know I'm not special and that my existence is essentially pointless (just like everyone else). I accept it, and feel sort of neutral about it. What choice do I have? I can't change it. I'm lucky to exist at all! We're lucky life exists at all.
When I say things like this, some people interpret it as 'depressing', but to me it is liberating, and makes me feel lighter and "at peace".
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I hated myself and my life growing up due to many frustrations. I had no grasp on what my purpose was.

As an adult I find that eliminating as much stress as possible is very helpful. Also I try to avoid using the word hate. Negativity breeds negative thoughts and outcomes.

@infinite dreams @Asa
:heartu:
 
I've been fortunate to not be wired to hate myself at all really, which can actually be a hindrance in some surprising ways. I feel special and significant, but no more than any other individual. I view everything as significant in some capacity.

Growing up, being given messages of being some sort of "mistake" by God and a burden on society in some way even if you remove the religious aspect, I had to wrestle with what the point of me being alive even was very early on in life. For me it ultimately came down to happiness. We have such little time, I don't give much of a fuck about a lot of life's noise, I just want people to find some sense of happiness without infringing on other's pursuit of the same. Not saying I'm great at propagating this, but I try.

I'm just a smiling cog in a fucked up system.
 
Asa said:
@Wyote
Ahhh :) Now I want to give you a giant, smiling cog hug.
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Hate (in my opinion) is reserved for truly despicable people: people that shit on others without remorse, people who are destructive and don't do anything about it, etc. Even people I've hated in the past have changed my opinion of them over time.

It's not really fair to yourself to hate yourself for self-perceived faults. I know it's an emotion and it's hard to rationalize feelings like this (and sometimes counter-productive), but we are all very flawed people that make mistakes. Human beings are malfunctioning machines. We're just a bunch of fuck ups. I don't really know you very well personally, but are you really that much more flawed than the rest of us? I'm willing to bet you're... human.

It takes time to learn to accept yourself, but I think that is something you need to do over time. The fact that you can even express these feelings is laudable and makes you a worthwhile person, in my book. You will get there. Do what you want to do, laugh, absorb as much positivity as you can, etc. There are books that can help, meditation, exercise, etc.

I myself grew up with a critical father, which was tough. I also was the younger sibling. I felt like I was never good enough. Some other things happened in my early life that I can't/won't really share that demolished my self-esteem. When I grew up I was never good enough for myself. I still struggle with that. I want to be much more than I am. It's hard to look at myself and see good, accomplishment, etc. However, I'm able to look outside these feelings I have and realize that they are arbitrary and unimportant. Life is what you make of it. I try to push myself, but not be too hard on myself. Took me years to strike a healthy balance. I think I'm close.

I'm also Hitler
 
Happy Phantom said:
Negativity breeds negative thoughts and outcomes.
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Truth. ;)
Asa said:
I accept it, and feel sort of neutral about it.
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More truth. ;)

I find that when I treat myself as equally well as I strive to treat others--being balanced--squashes the negative patterns. Also, I believe knowing ones self well helps with the neutrality.
 
If you look around and notice human objectively you can always see people who have it worse, make worse decisions, are less capable, more awkward than you, etc. The point is not everyone of them noticed this in themselves, and some even feel proud of being dumb and awkward, because they can make people laugh, etc. If they can think of themselves like that, why can't you? Believe it or not, even people who look smart and put together, underneath there is so much of self-doubt and flaws. People make mistakes all the time. Let's think about it and you'll see that there is no point in hating yourself. I suggest using a lot of Fe, look around and observe people objectively, you'd be surprised how much you have it a lot better than many people (especially if you're INFJ).

Also, practicing self-love affirmation may help in time of crippling self-hatred. You can write it down on your journal or say it out loud.

self_love_affirmations_1.jpg
 
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This is what I was like some years ago and things did eventually get better but that kind of pain is worse than losing family and friends as it drains the core of who you are while eating away like a cancer at everything that matters. Try to find and explore the nicer things about yourself then run with it, don't worry about what normal people think of you as most of them have their own problems some just as bad.
 
Ah, yes. I know this mentality very well. I went through a long and miserable phase a couple years back where the idea of suicide felt less scary than it had before. I literally despised myself and every little mistake was blown out of proportion. I had a perfectionist mindset and so I was setting unreasonable expectations on myself, much like I tend to do to others from time to time. Honestly, going on an anti-depressant has been the most beneficial thing for me personally. I find it very hard to exist day to day without it. My self hate and depression were amplified anytime things in my life weren't going according to my plans. I'm a mother of one now and I couldn't tolerate that shit anymore. I needed to give my child a chance at having a normal parent. After testing the waters off my medication and comparing the differences, I won't dare try it again. Nowadays, I feel more at peace. After a lot of self discovery, finding this forum, leaving a depressing marriage and finding true compatibility with others...I cope much better. I'm starting to appreciate myself more. Not love...but appreciate. I suppose those are the first steps to love.
 
Asa said:
I don't 'hate' myself. I view myself as a sort of outsider... like one would view other people. I see all my faults (which make me cringe) and while I see the awesome things about me, I keep it in perspective. I know I'm not special and that my existence is essentially pointless (just like everyone else). I accept it, and feel sort of neutral about it. What choice do I have? I can't change it. I'm lucky to exist at all! We're lucky life exists at all.
When I say things like this, some people interpret it as 'depressing', but to me it is liberating, and makes me feel lighter and "at peace".
I love being alive and seeing the beauty of life all around me. I'm thrilled and inspired by it every day, and I'm grateful that the container my brain lives in is able to experience that. So, how could I "hate" being alive and getting to experience all of this?
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I'm not talking about hating being alive at all, just myself. Did you ever feel differently? At times when I've had a big break, like a 2 week holiday where I'm not even socialising with my best friends much, I am able to feel the way you do. But the moment I get back to people the same thoughts come back. It's so hard to work out what is my problem and what isn't. I know it's not others problem, so that leaves me. I know people are different and thats OK and a good thing, it's hard to describe what I mean. No one ever complains about me, no one seems upset or annoyed at me, no one has made me feel like I'm wrong- they have in the past, but not my close friends.
 
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