Advice Needed: Emotional Connection with INTJs | INFJ Forum

Advice Needed: Emotional Connection with INTJs

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by AureliaSoleil, Nov 26, 2015.

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  1. AureliaSoleil

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    I am an INTJ female dating an INFJ male. Within a very short period of time, we fell deeply in love with one another. I really want our relationship to be the very best it can be and so here I am doing a bit of research into his personality type. For those of you who have dated INTJs, what did you like and dislike about the relationship? Something that my INFJ tells me is that he feels that it is sometimes difficult for him to connect with me emotionally and I'm not entirely sure what he means by that. Did any of you feel that way with your INTJ partner? How can I improve the emotional connection between us?


     
  2. invisible

    On Holiday

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    INTJs are so cool and funny <3
     
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  3. Trent

    Trent Community Member

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    Perhaps another question would be why did you fall deeply in love? How do you compliment each other? Maybe build on the things that you both have going. I think some sort of emotion will follow. Also, when does he touch your heart? When does he inspire you? When do you get the a-ha moment with him? Those are the things you may already be sharing, but if I were and INFJ male [I am] and she was the Unicorn :) those questions and like questions would be ones to engrave into the relationship. Hope the best for you two.

    One more thing. Is it like you read each other's minds almost? Very cool.
     
  4. OP
    AureliaSoleil

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    We both have feelings for one another. It's just that he sometimes doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. So please allow me to rephrase my question. What makes you feel loved and emotionally connected in a relationship?
     
  5. OP
    AureliaSoleil

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    Yes, we do! Often we will both come out and say the exact same thing at about the same time. I love the connection we have.
     
  6. Trent

    Trent Community Member

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    Hmmmm. Perhaps, there is hope for me :) Thanks & again best wishes.
     
  7. What's stopping you from asking him if he could elaborate and help you to understand what he means about the lack of emotional connection?

    One of the great things about the INFJ and INTJ combo is that they both appreciate openness, honesty and directness - that's what builds the immediate and initial connection (for me anyway) - so just ask him. :)
     
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    It's difficult to connect with another person. We're all so different from each other. There will always be things that separate us, and that's healthy. I think to focus on the things that bring you together.
     
  9. OP
    AureliaSoleil

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    I have asked him but he won't say exactly. I'm not sure why he's uncomfortable with it. I've even asked him about how he thinks I can improve on our emotional connection. His response, "Nothing." For some reason, he's very reluctant to say.
     
  10. Wyote

    Wyote (#/-\[]$ ([]`/[]'|'[-
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    The thing is, you both have to be ok with it not being perfect. Sometimes it will be difficult to connect emotionally, sometimes it will be difficult to articulate feelings... it's fine.

    Just tell him directly that you want to make things work and that you will use your strengths.

    It's hard to tell where he is at with his statement. I could say something similar and it would simply be my perfectionism talking. Nothing/nobody is perfect, though. If it's more from a viewpoint of like... yea ok my emotional needs aren't actually being met... then it is a problem. But it's nothing that can't be worked out if you are both willing to talk through it.
     
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  11. If he won't say, feels uncomfortable and response is nothing then personally I would park it. Probably frustrating for you but regardless of type or gender, you need to give the unresponsive person the time and space to process things themselves.

    You say within a short period of time, you both fell in love deeply with each other....how long have you been going out? Are there any other signs to indicate that this lack of emotional connection is impacting other areas of your relationship? Are you both still deeply in love?

    As long as you are both genuinely interested in each other (ie he excites you, you look forward to spending time together, connections exists in so many other areas of your relationship) then try and not dwell on this one particular issue. When the time is right the conversations will just happen naturally - things like this should never be forced....encouraged, yes, but never forced.
     
  12. j654dgj7

    j654dgj7 Please delete this account.

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    Remember to let him into your world!
     
  13. OP
    AureliaSoleil

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    Yes, we are. It's very frustrating not to be given an answer but I have to get better at giving him time to express his feelings when he's ready.

    Thank you Ezra! I will.
     
  14. Jcnel

    Jcnel One

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    Hey there! I think I have a good idea what your guy means. I'm an INFJ, I was in a relationship with a INTJ girl for over four years. We fell hard and fast, too. One thing about being like me, I feel, is that I like to be told out loud how much you like me, think I'm attractive. Reassure me with words. One issue with my former INTJ girlfriend was that she wouldn't really do that. She would show small affections, when I wanted just a little more talk. Just a little, just an unexpected I love you or something sweet. Something that would make me feel loved, beyond the physical elements. Maybe what he means by that statement, judging from my experience, is that he's having a hard time understanding what you're thinking and feeling sometimes because you're uncomfortable with sharing that, or simply don't operate on emotion like he does, so he feels a little insecure, especially telling you that. Because it's a little embarrassing and very vulnerable to say, especially to someone who seems so confident, who might find flowery words and things like love letters silly. I hope this helps! Be well.
     
  15. novello17

    novello17 Newbie

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    I was in your situation but as a male INTJ - Basically over time the INFJ will warm up your feelings. It's just to be there for them, they get really emotional, so:
    When they're down, they want reassurance that its gunna be okay - not a strategic draft to a solution, to them that means nothing, they just want warmth and you to experience the pain with them.
    To allow them a comforting environment to come to you, to hold their hand and look into their eyes when they are sad and to just "be there" in the moment with love - Not point out what the issue is.
    If you manage to cry with them they really like that
    To become soft, let all strong intj thoughts go and be supportive

    Obviously don't lose yourself - they like your hard nature. Just recognise in their eyes when they are down. Don't ask "whats up" - they won't tell you.
    Be like: *sit next to them and hold their hand* - INTJ: "I can see something is bothering you, do you want to talk about it?" INFJ "No, Im fine". INTJ: "it's okay, you can tell me, are you feeling like [insert feeling]" INFJ: "No, I just feel like this and this, this is whats up". INTJ: "Well its okay! you're alright . *give hug*

    They basically would like somebody to unload their feelings to - but because everyone does it to them they feel a bit lost, they are the natural counsellor, but they need counselling. INTJ's are terrible naturally at this!!

    Good luck!
     
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