Abuse is about control | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Abuse is about control

The only sort of abuse I'd wonder about not being about control is child or elder neglect.



This is what I think:
If you use people as a means to an end, you are manipulating and controlling them.
If you whip your children to discipline them, it's physical abuse and the reason for it is usually fear of losing control of the child's behavior.
 
I was physically abused as a child by my mothers partner, he use to put cigarettes out on my hands, attempted drowning me in a bath tub full hot water, to name a few things.

After my Grandfather gained custody of me the fear of men slowly disappeared. Ironic It wasn't until my grandfathers funeral that I meet my mothers partner again and all I seen was an old man...not a monster.
 
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My mothers partner always hated my father and basically took it all out on me...always hated the fact my father ran off, I guess he didn't think i was worth protecting.
 
What experiences have you had with this?
Had a verbally abusive boyfriend when I was a teenager and a bit desperate. I was 16 he was 23, we went out for a couple of years. I was already a bit all over the place (just quite depressed, anxious, eating disorders etc) and he was very, very, very controlling and jealous. When we first got together he made me go through my room and throw out anything that could remind me of a life before him - diaries, presents from other people, clothes he felt I had worn too much with past partners. I didn't get it at the time because I didn't feel anything for the stuff. It was just my stuff, but I was very self doubting at the time and he had a good way of manipulating me. He would ask about the past (sexual partners etc) then call me a slut and a whore and tell me the reason I didn't' have many friends was because I was so disgusting. He'd dump me and storm out and then a few hours later come back and say he'd had a little think about it and he forgives me and he will help me fix myself. I was a bit of an idiot at the time. His techniques didn't work for a few months because I just thought he was an arsehole but I was 16 and thought he was cool because he had a flat and a car :D I also knew he was flirting with a friend of mine over text but couldn't really be bothered to do anything about it. Then my friend admitted it to me so I dumped him. But then he curb crawled me while I was walking the dog and I thought it would be less hassle to just allow him to be my boyfriend, thinking it would be over in a couple of weeks (for some reason!). For there, it got worse, not allowed to speak to anyone male, not allowed to see my friends (only allowed to have the same friends as him), have to have sex whenever he wants it even in very inappropriate situations. Was paraded around and showed off to friends who would stand me up and talk about my body etc. Lots of verbal abuse and a bit of pushing and shoving but no proper physical abuse. No time to my own - turned up at school in free periods, lunch, breaks and took me away from the others in his car then picked me up from school and stayed there. I wasn't allowed to do anything alone and was not allowed to be around other people except one female friend.

How did you overcome it?
Started to get control of my ED which gave me some confidence and applied to uni through clearing. ONce I was 150 miles away he phoned me about seven times a day and shouted at me and wanted to know everything I'd done. One day I realised I didn't have to pick up. From then on I was empowered, felt I could defend myself. Tried it once over the phone, stuck up for myself, he went into a rage but instead of being scared I thought it was pathetic. At uni I'd started making some friends and people were treating me nicely, this reminded me I shouldn't just listen to him. Dumped him!
As for overcoming the aftermath, still getting there. Had been socially confident prior to meeting said guy but was socially phobic for a couple of years. I still felt I was hideous and I hated people looking at me so I would do things like wait until everybody was in their own rooms before going out into shared accommodation to go to the toilet or eat. Eventually had a breakdown and became agoraphobic but beat that quickly because I was fortunate enough to know how, and have been getting better bit by bit since then (seven years since broke up with him).

It's not just him, I was unhappy anyway. Even after I dumped him I felt guilty if I ever thought badly of him. I looked back on my diary recently and saw that I had written nice things about him and said he was "nice guy" and I felt sorry for him. But then a therapist told me she thought he sounded abusive and that was a big relief. I completely dropped the being nice to him thing after that. Stayed angry with him for years, though I realised it was also my fault for allowing it to continue. But then my mam asked whether I had learned anything from my experience - and I have. I think I am strong for dealing with it and carrying on when I felt very bad. I'm proud for clawing back my education after barely going in to sixth form and not getting the grades I needed in my A Levels; for working hard and excelling despite what was happening. I could have come very close to being a "Cumbrian wife" as me and my friends call it: Stuck in a tip with no jobs eating crisps, having babies and living on benefits. But I didn't do that and now I'm a journalist. And now I'm not angry with him anymore. Job done!
 
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It's not always "abuse" with harm. Sometimes abuse is harmless, but imposing nonetheless.

I don't know if 'harmless' is the right word. I think you're referring to non-physical abuse, which can still be quite harmful in it's own way, for much the same reasons physical abuse is. It just may not leave physical damage.