Abuse is about control
- Thread starter brite
- Start date
Abuse takes so many forms. So many on this forum, type nines, are so because their parents or large families imposed themselves upon the subject. Abuse is relative.
Lurker
Half of communication is listening (or reading here). Been practising.
Last edited:
The control my mom used was abusive, I first attempted to overcome it by leaving home right after highschool. I am sure I still suffer from the abuse
I agree that it is about control... and domination.
At the root of it, the abuser feels empty and insecure and afraid and must to everything in their power to make others feel this way in order to feel in control and secure.
I suppose there are many forms of abuse...
Physical
Verbal
Sexual
Emotional
Mental
Religious
Financial
But they are all just manifestations of the same thing: The abuser's own feelings of powerlessness and fear.
Abuse is never harmless.
It has a lasting effect on those involved and unless the emotional and mental issues associated with sustaining abuse are resolved, the abuse will continue on as a cycle in the lives of those involved and those they involve themselves with.
I've been through it. I overcame it because I had a support system of people who repeatedly told me that I was being abused.. and then they were there for me when I finally realized it.
I spent half of my childhood witnessing my parents abusive relationship. It definitely caused lasting harm that has taken me years to even realize and begin to work through.
At the root of it, the abuser feels empty and insecure and afraid and must to everything in their power to make others feel this way in order to feel in control and secure.
I suppose there are many forms of abuse...
Physical
Verbal
Sexual
Emotional
Mental
Religious
Financial
But they are all just manifestations of the same thing: The abuser's own feelings of powerlessness and fear.
Abuse is never harmless.
It has a lasting effect on those involved and unless the emotional and mental issues associated with sustaining abuse are resolved, the abuse will continue on as a cycle in the lives of those involved and those they involve themselves with.
I've been through it. I overcame it because I had a support system of people who repeatedly told me that I was being abused.. and then they were there for me when I finally realized it.
I spent half of my childhood witnessing my parents abusive relationship. It definitely caused lasting harm that has taken me years to even realize and begin to work through.
Yes I see we all understand each other. I was speaking in the manner StudebakerHawk did, pointing out that my mom's neediness and control over me (an only child) was abusive although it wasn't illegal. So sometimes abuse is harmless (without actual physical damage) but is imposing nonetheless. And by imposing I mean unfair and abusive.
Great points. I might add the concept of neglect ... educational, medical, basic needs (home), inability to parent, etc. 3 of my cases involved children who were left in the care of a relative b/c meth was taking control of the parent. The very sad thing is that now there are more children coming into the care of the state b/c of horrific abuse and I wonder if it has a connection to the economy, i.e. out of work parents, etc.
Elaborate.
I think what he means is abuse doesn't have to be physical, or explicitly criminal, to be painful.
Just my two cents, I tend to see abuse as dispossession of what a thing is in exchange for what the abuser wants. Increased power coupled with a feeling of being responsible by denying moral pacts and care.
Look at the traits of the Average and Unhealthy Enneagram type 2 for more clarification
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/typetwo.asp
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/typetwo.asp
abuse doesn't have to be self conscious or intentional. Sometimes, people with the best of intentions i.e. family or friends, may say or do things which in their view is good or beneficial to you or their loved ones, which is still abusive. They do not realize the harm in what they're doing because they're convinced that they're doing the right thing. So, abuse is not always about power.
Someone who is dismissive or neglectful or does things to make you constantly doubt self or suppress who you are, is being abusive, although they don't think they're doing anything hurtful or harmful. In many cases, they even think they're helping by encouraging you to develop a thick skin. But when it's taken to the extreme, it's harm, not help.
Yes, when someone is imposing on someone's will by pushing them to make decisions or insisting they behave or act in a particular manner, to please them, then this is abuse, although the person may not think it is. e.g. and another aggressive or even more insidious form - the passive aggressive bully.
Emotional abuse has long term consequences, as most kinds of abuse, and may last until late adulthood. It's often assumed that when you get older, you simply get over the abuse and it no longer affects you because it's mental/psychological and is the least visible form of abuse. Not true. It often affects the way you approach relationships, your self esteem, and success in achieving personal goals.
Someone who is dismissive or neglectful or does things to make you constantly doubt self or suppress who you are, is being abusive, although they don't think they're doing anything hurtful or harmful. In many cases, they even think they're helping by encouraging you to develop a thick skin. But when it's taken to the extreme, it's harm, not help.
Yes, when someone is imposing on someone's will by pushing them to make decisions or insisting they behave or act in a particular manner, to please them, then this is abuse, although the person may not think it is. e.g. and another aggressive or even more insidious form - the passive aggressive bully.
Emotional abuse has long term consequences, as most kinds of abuse, and may last until late adulthood. It's often assumed that when you get older, you simply get over the abuse and it no longer affects you because it's mental/psychological and is the least visible form of abuse. Not true. It often affects the way you approach relationships, your self esteem, and success in achieving personal goals.
Last edited:
I don't think all abuse is about control.
Some people use others as a means to an end. Many people lie, not to control others, but for some financial gain.
Indeed, most people seem to seek to control others in a way that is not abusive. Disciplining of children, regulation of road traffic, commerce, consumption, etc. all make modern society possible.
That having been said, there is such a thing as abuse of control. This would be when people control others for their own personal benefit/enjoyment in a way that is detrimental to others.
I haven't had a lot of experience in this sense - except one of my early instructors was a horrible, manipulative bastard. While the experience was unpleasant, it was in many ways beneficial. I thinks it's true with most things, that if it doesn't kill you, it's good for you.
Some people use others as a means to an end. Many people lie, not to control others, but for some financial gain.
Indeed, most people seem to seek to control others in a way that is not abusive. Disciplining of children, regulation of road traffic, commerce, consumption, etc. all make modern society possible.
That having been said, there is such a thing as abuse of control. This would be when people control others for their own personal benefit/enjoyment in a way that is detrimental to others.
I haven't had a lot of experience in this sense - except one of my early instructors was a horrible, manipulative bastard. While the experience was unpleasant, it was in many ways beneficial. I thinks it's true with most things, that if it doesn't kill you, it's good for you.
I agree with above. My own mother had unintentionally abused me emotionally when I was a kid, thinking that she is helping me deal with problems.