You picked the most convenient choice for a relationship? Accccck! | INFJ Forum

You picked the most convenient choice for a relationship? Accccck!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Kero, Jan 4, 2010.

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  1. Kero

    Kero Newbie

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    I get on well with two girls. One I don't know so well but have known for a while (Anne), the other I'm better friends with (Sarah). As friends, I like spending time with them naturally. I was intrested in getting to become better friends with both of them, and they have proven to be good potential friends.

    Lately I've been talking alot more to Anne and getting to know her better. Our contact was always more of friendly teasing (non-sexual) since she was a friend of a close friend. After a while it became alot more obvious that she was interested and after a while confessed quite recently as I got to know her. Sarah on the other hand is someone I met at some university counselling training services, so I knew we were likely to have things in common straight away. There are times when I think that she likes me, and I wouldn't be too surprised if she thought the same of me. Both friendships came into my life around the same time, back in March. However I only started talking to Anne properly much later (September), while my friendship with Sarah developed straight from the beginning.

    Anyhow after the confession and some stumbling with being uncertain about how I felt... I decided to see where things might go with Anne. But there's one major concern.

    Did I choose to see where things might go with her because she was the first one that came along? Why didn't I consider Sarah? It's just the idea that had I gotten closer to Sarah first, and had one of us spoken up earlier about the minor romantic interest, would my choice have been different?

    I mean I'm now sort of commited to Anne, even though we're not together. If I'm considering one person, I'm not going to be considering other people, in that sense I've decided to just keep my friendship with Sarah as just that.

    But it worries me. That I'm might unconsciously being going with Anne for the wrong reason. That it's all fake. I suppose the only way I can be certain is to travel down this road, but I'd rather not hurt my important friends.
     
  2. Afrelen

    Afrelen Community Member

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    Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Sounds like your worrying more about possibilities than reality, man. If you've no special feelings for one or the other, go with what's happening right now. What you know now is all that you know now. You don't know what could be. If either relationship is going to work, you've got to stop worrying about what could be with the other.

    If, on the other hand, you do feel special about Sarah. Perhaps you need to confront the issue with her and make the move. Sounds like you're in a do or die situation here, so to speak.
     
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  3. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Anne made her interest known, and you thought it was agreeable and acted on it, what else would any good person do when another potential so is not giving any signals (perhaps she's waiting on you!~)? Would your choice have been different if Sarah made her interest known? Sounds like it, sounds like you like Sarah more than Anne to be honest. If anne was your true interest, I don't think you would make a post like this basically second guessing yourself. Although, I can see why you did, all those possibilities and such.
     
  4. OP
    Kero

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    I wouldn't say so. There's nothing deep formed beyond good friendship at the moment, but we don't talk that often.

    If it's so easy for me to remove the idea of a potential relationship with Sarah and be happy with friendship. Then I'd think... I'm not that into her. It's not a big loss.

    Guess the only question I really need to work out is if I'm that into Anne when I agreed to see how things would go. That I'm not just going with her because she confessed...

    Bah I hate the idea that I'm playing the field. Playing with my friends hearts :(

    But thank you for the advice.
     
  5. OP
    Kero

    Kero Newbie

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    I don't really trust my feelings. :(

    Yes. I doubt myself too much. Earlier on I was worrying about whether my low self-esteem meant that I just liked her because of the attention she gave me, and it took me a while to work out that it wouldn't be...

    There's too much mind doubt...
    Too little heart thinking...

    I know I like spending time with her... and at one point I was holding onto her hands (very simple stuff). But I was scared that I was doing it because of the attention, now it's a different worry.

    Then I worry about how I'm automatically self-sabotaging relationships, and how I might be doing so with her.
    Too much thinking. It's obvious that I don't trust my own judgement, and in some ways that might mean I'm not mature enough for a relationship with anyone. :(

    Thank you anyway. I don't want to break it off with her though since I like her, I want to see where it goes... but I'm kind of scared that I'll end up hurting her because of all this.

    Why do I like her? I haven't quite figured it out yet... I suppose I like our interactions and she's slowly opening up to me...

    Another weird feeling I feel the more I get to know her, the more likely I'm going to become attached to her and potentially fall for her... Just a matter if I'm willing to let myself do that... I have to say the idea of losing myself (control) is quite scary as well.
    Suppose that might be another possible reason for me not to get involved, but I don't know... I still want to see where things might go with us for the time.

    Blegh. Lots of disconjuncted thoughts, fears and everything in there.
     
    #5 Kero, Jan 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
  6. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known monster
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    Hmm, I think the one thing you need to ask yourself here is, if this situation was reversed and you were pursuing Sarah (who confessed her feelings) over Anne, would you be wondering about Anne?

    If the answer is yes, it's likely you're more worried about "missing out" rather than making the right decision... and probably wouldn't be happy with either girl, because you'd always want what you don't have.

    I think the key here is just being honest with yourself and sorting out how you feel about each girl. If at the end of the day you still can't figure it out, carpe diem! If you're already on track with Anne, why not see where the journey takes you? Could be someplace great!

    Best of luck!
     
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    #6 sassafras, Jan 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  7. Feelings

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    Use Ni. Fi will fuck with you via infatuation and doubt. Ti will make it worse.

    It sounds to me like an in-betweener though. Even if one mate would be slightly more compatible with you than the other, you'd go with the one with which you have more shared experiences with which is fine and proper. So if it is a close call, then it really doesn't matter.

    Perhaps you could have played your cards differently. It seems like at this point your relevant options are to proceed with Anne or completely call it off with Anne. Don't worry about actions you've already made, but focus on the relevant decision given what you've already done.
     
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